Reading Corner

Links related to the weekly posts.

 

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This week, we wrote about how individuality and a sense of “we” can coexist in a relationship. Here are some interesting articles on different philosophies and therapy models on this topic.

The Meaning of “We-ness” “This formula of “we-ness” represents “two people who are balanced and individually strong”…but have in the process have created something else- the two has become three. and this third reality is the relationship between the two of them that they now share and nurture.”

What Is We-Ness Versus Enmeshment? “I first heard the term “we-ness” in graduate school. That was a while ago but well after Aristotle wrote things down. In talking with other research psychologists about relationships, the term would come up from time to time, denoting a relationship where two people had formed a depth of connection that supported a sense of shared identity. When I turned my focus to the study of commitment in 1983, I found supporting ideas consistently arising in that literature. Harold Kelley and John Thibaut described how two partners who were growing in interdependence would move from having only individual goals to developing a view of the future based on joint outcomes. [i] They called this “transformation of motivation.” Although they almost never used the word “commitment,” what they were describing was the psychological formation of it. Similarly, George Levinger noted that ‘‘as interpersonal involvement deepens, one’s partner’s satisfactions and dissatisfactions become more and more identified with one’s own.”[ii] Social exchange theorists such as Cook and Emerson discussed how the “transformation” from me to we changed a relationship from an exchange market where two individuals were competitors to a non-competitive relationship that could maximize joint outcomes.[iii] One is no longer seeking (only) individual gains from the other, but something for us as a team.”

Creating We-ness “What does me-ness look like? What does we-ness look like? What are the tools with which to move from me-ness to we-ness? In me-ness there is a sharp line separating me and you. I might say in response to a situation “What’s in it for me?” I might also decide to cooperate or be helpful. In any event what’s good for me has no relationship to what’s good for you. We are living two parallel lives. In enmeshment on the other hand there are no boundaries. I have no sense of self. I might take care of others needs at the expense of my own or I might think that what they want and need must be the same as what I want and need. We-ness is different from both me-ness and enmeshment. In we-ness the people involved feel themselves to be individuals with boundaries and they act accordingly, with behaviors that promote things like privacy and uniqueness of taste and style. However, my assumption, if I have a we-ness mentality, is that what’s good or bad for me has an impact for good or for bad on what’s good or bad for the other and vice versa.”

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This week, we said that it’s important to look at your feelings and find words for them. Here a re some articles that offer suggestions on how to articulate your feelings.

Putting Feelings Into Words: 3 Ways to Explain What You Feel “Have you ever had trouble finding the words for what you’re feeling or thinking? Most of us have encountered this difficulty at some time or another. It often happens just when we most need to be able to explain ourselves – when we’re feeling something particularly strongly or in a crisis or just want to communicate a strong feeling. If this happens to you more than it seems to happen to other people you know, you may suffer from a problem called ‘alexithymia.'”

Why It Helps to Put Your Feelings Into Words “Putting feelings into words can have attenuating effects on the actual experience of emotions. For example, when participants in one study were asked to label their emotional states as they looked at negative emotionally evocative images (e.g., snake, hospital scene), they reported feeling less distress than if they merely observed the images passively.”

How to Communicate Your Feelings “Being understood and accepted are universal human needs. So, when you share your inner experiences and feelings, you’re more likely to connect in deep and meaningful ways. You’re also more likely to get your needs met, leading to happier and healthier relationships. Sharing your feelings can be a daunting proposition. When you share your feelings you allow yourself to be vulnerable. This vulnerability can be scary; it leaves your open to the possibility of being hurt, but it can also lead to the deepest connections.”

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This week, we wrote about why it is important to learn what your core values are. Here are some other writers with lists of values and how to use them.

Understanding Our Core Values: An Exercise for Individuals and Teams “In Dare to Lead, Brené [Brown] presents a list of values. The list includes a diverse set of over 100 values, values like accountability, achievement, balance, competence, excellence, family, giving back, joy, legacy, order, patience, recognition, resourcefulness, travel, wealth, and wisdom. You can also add your own values. The exercise is to narrow this large list of values down to your two core values.”

How to Uncover Your Core Values “Whether you know explicitly or not, you all have a set of core values that determine almost everything in your life. You are at your best when your actions correspond to your values and your beliefs. But how can you rely on a value that you cannot name? How can you infuse your life with core values that you cannot understand.”

Core Values: Which Ones, How Many and What to Do With Them Once You Have Them “Core values are the heart of who you are and what you believe in; how you need to operate in the world to be true to yourself. Choosing your core values is a process, so give yourself time and space to find the ones that fit just right. These are going to be the grounding points of your business and your life. They will serve as your compass for how you want to show up as a business owner, leader, client and partner; in conflict, in change, in celebration. When you know who you are and what you stand for, you can rely on that day in and day out. You have a ballast, a guiding foundation for what to do in any situation.”

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This week, we wrote about how it helps to remember you’re on the same side in relationships. To our surprise, we could find no articles discussing this, so are listing some of our earlier posts covering this topic.

Why It Is Important To Remember You Are On The Same Side As Your Partner “We often caution you to remember that you and your partner (the same applies to all intimate relationships) are both on the same side. This understanding and a mutual awareness of it are vital to a peaceful loving relationship. And yet, couples rarely talk about this together, and few realize how this simple statement can lift you out of so many of those unnecessary feelings of separation and distance, even feelings of being threatened or attacked.”

Know You are on the Same Side in Your Relationship “In any relationship, there can be a feeling of being on the same side that is quite delicious. It may be no more than the grizzled assistant at the hardware store helping you decide the best way to construct a raised flower bed. He’s not trying to maximize the sale; he’s working with you to find the best approach. Or maybe it’s you and your partner planning the garden or a trip or the blog you write together. Whatever it is, become attuned to that feeling, because if it vanishes, that’s a warning signal that you may be swerving into the path of a full-blown argument”

Know You Are on the Same Side in Your Relationship (same title as above, but different post) “If we find we are approaching things differently, or not immediately finding our way to understanding each other, we always know this is just a misunderstanding. We know that we will find agreement eventually. We use Our Process to find mutual solutions, but what enables us to do that, and to rest assured that we will find mutuality, is this underlying knowledge that we are on the same side.”

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This week we wrote about the importance of balance in your relationships. It was difficult to find articles discussing the issue as we did, but these three look at it from some interesting viewpoints.

4 Things You Can Do To Build a More Balanced Relationship “I like to sit in the park and watch couples interact. I note who puts a blanket down, who says thank you, who acknowledges the other person before picking up a phone or putting their head into a book. I do this because I’m interested in observing healthy relationships or catching parts of interactions that I like and want to apply to my own relationship.”

How to Create Balance in Your Relationships “today, we want to talk about the importance of balance in your relationships, and how to create and maintain healthy, balanced relationship dynamics. Perhaps you’re trying to navigate a new relationship, support your partner through a hard time, or make more time for yourself and set boundaries. Regardless of if you’re feeling overwhelmed or underwhelmed in one of your relationships, here are some tips to help you feel like you can still be yourself and keep your relationships balanced with the rest of your life.”

Interpersonal Relationships “A number of theories have been formed to understand interpersonal relationships. There is merit to looking at relationships from the perspective of each of these theories. To believe exclusively in one theory and disregard the other theories would limit our understanding of social relationships.”

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