Reading Corner

Links related to the weekly posts.

 

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This week, we wrote about why it is important to listen to both your head and your heart. Here are some interesting posts on how people decide on which to follow.

Resolving the Head vs. Heart Dilemma “My thoughts say one thing, and my feelings say another. It’s a real conundrum. We might decide one way, change our mind, and even change it back again. We might put off making a decision, or make no decision at all, sometimes losing out on an opportunity. Or, we might make a quick decision to get it over with, but later regret it. When we believe our head and heart are in conflict, the decision-making process becomes uncomfortable and frustrating, and this – as you are about to learn – only compounds the problem.”

Should You Follow Your Heart or Your Head? “Friends and family will likely tell you to “listen to your heart,” as it “knows what’s best for you.” … But is that really good advice? Think back on the times when you did follow your heart. How did it work out? Maybe there were occasions when you threw caution to the wind and let your emotions take the wheel, and all went well. But it’s likely there are at least as many times when your decision delivered the opposite outcome. Unfortunately, we tend to be bad statisticians when it comes to taking stock of our own prior experiences.”

Are You a Head Person or a Heart Person? “Imagine meeting a stranger and having a chance to learn what sort of person they are by asking just one question. You might try the obvious: “Are you an introvert or an extrovert?” Or you could probe their political leanings: “Are you Republican or Democrat?” In each case, you’d hope the answer would tell you a fair bit about the person’s psychology. Here’s a question you probably wouldn’t think of, but which new research suggests could be surprisingly informative: “Do you think your ‘self’ is located in your heart or in your brain?”

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This week in our blog, we discussed how important it is to see the other’s viewpoint in your relationship. Here are some articles written about different aspects of this topic.

Learning to See Things From Your Partner’s Point of View “What we really want is to be truly understood. And to be really seen by the person we care about. To find someone who can read our minds and meet our needs. To find true love and intimacy that lasts a lifetime…. But despite our deep longing to be connected with the one we choose to be with, Happy Ever After rarely happens. Most often, when one partner is angry, the other person becomes angry back or shuts down. During conflict, the two partners disconnect from each other. The relationship suffers as people become disillusioned with their partner.”

The Importance of Taking the Perspective of Others “In order to resolve conflict constructively, so that all parties are satisfied with the outcome, a person must be able to hold all the opposing ideas, positions, and perspectives in mind at the same time and still function effectively. Successful problem-solving and conflict resolution largely depends on a person’s ability to take the opponent’s cognitive and affective perspectives and understand how the conflict appears to the other person and how that person is reacting emotionally and attitudinally.”

Embracing the Perspective of Your Wife, Husband or Romantic Partner “Learning to understand and appreciate your wife, husband, or romantic partner’s perspective is an essential skill. Your mutual happiness depends on seeing and feeling what life is like from the perspective of your mate. Couples that fail to empathetically embrace their mate’s perspective, his or her way of perceiving the world, remain unhappy.”

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In this week’s blog, we wrote about how coming from love rather than fear changes your relationships. We find this one of the fundamental ways of looking at yourself and all relationships. Here are some articles on this very important topic.

Choosing Love Not Fear “The choice to reject fear and choose love can feel like something that only applies to moments of crisis, when we’re leaving a marriage, starting a new business, preparing to climb Mount Everest. But in truth, the opportunity to choose love and reject fear presents itself in the smallest moments of life, and specifically, in relationships with those closest to us. Love over fear is a choice every time someone tells us something about ourselves or has an experience of us that we don’t want to hear.”

How To Keep Choosing Love Over Fear “In these past few years, my monumental to-go quote is, “Love over fear, over and over again.” I cannot really pinpoint exactly that first specific moment in my life where love, over fear came up. But what I do know is, Love and Fear became a consistent, ever-evolving and flowing topic in my life. Even to this present day, and I hope it always will. Love and fear are two dominant, primal states of being. I largely believe that most emotions can either be categorized into the love or fear category. At any given situation in our lives, all of our decisions stem from our emotions; either consciously or unconsciously. My purpose here today is to invite awareness to your emotions.”

How Fear Can Impact Your Relationship And What You Can Do About It “Whether or not you are aware of it, fear is most likely impacting at least one aspect of your relationship. The likelihood is that you don’t even know it’s happening. Awareness, owning your own feelings and behaviors, understanding your triggers, not blaming each other, and talking about things are all antidotes to the symptoms of fear.”

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By Posted on Posted in Core Values, Reading, Relationships, Spectrum of Acceptance, Successful Relating No Comments

In this week’s blog, we discussed the underlying values behind what we want. Here are some useful articles looking at different aspects of this topic.

Understanding Your Core Values in Relationships (No They’re Not Your Common Interests) “One of the things that people are most confused about and that I get asked a lot of questions about, is the issue of ‘common interests’ and letting superficial things inadvertently get mixed in with your ‘core’ values. Over the past few days I’ve been talking about value and values in relationships, and in this post, I put a clear division between the nice to have stuff that doesn’t actually cause your relationship to endure unless you have the ‘core’ values covered off.”

Needs or Values? “Needs are filled; values are fulfilled. Furthermore needs are filled for me; values are fulfilled by me. The overarching goal of all of the various approaches to psychology is to fill a need. In contrast the overarching goal of logotherapy is to discover meaning, and along with that to fulfill values and to be response-able.”

Dating: Values vs. Preferences “Dating has gotten complex to say the least. And while there’s never a simple solution to complex issues, I’ll propose a starting place: I’d like to clarify Values vs. Preferences. Especially in Western society, it’s culturally validated to treat dates, relationships, and marriages according to desired preferences as opposed to inherent values.
Value (n): the regard that something is held to deserve; the importance, worth, or usefulness of something.
Preference (n): a greater liking for one alternative over another or others.”

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This week, we wrote about our differing personal journeys toward being in a peaceful relationship. Here are some articles that discuss different aspects of approaching such a relationship.

How to Find Peace in Challenging Relationships “Practice Acceptance – there is nothing more freeing than being who you are. There is nothing more peaceful than accepting people for exactly who they are. Peace exists in acceptance of the moment, the person, the circumstance. Perhaps there is a relationship that you are currently struggling with. Are you wishing things were different? Are you trying to control an outcome or change something about the person? What would happen if you created space for acceptance in that relationship?”

The Secret to Peaceful Relationships “There was a time when it was very easy for me to be disappointed by other people. I can’t tell you how many times I would feel angry or let down when someone failed to do what I wanted them to do or what they agreed they would do. I would sometimes be filled with strong, uncomfortable feelings in these situations. In addition, as you might imagine, this propensity brought friction into my friendships and other relationships as I even complained to these unwitting perpetrators that they shouldn’t have done what they did.”

13 Steps to Better Relationships…and Peace of Mind “Sometimes you need to know that good people have your back when things go wrong. Good relationships can bring peace of mind, not to mention longer life, companionship, health, happiness, and a host of other benefits. At our core, we are social creatures who need each other. Even meditating monks do it—congregate in communities, that is.”

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