Reading Corner

Links related to the weekly posts.

 

By Posted on Posted in Core Values, Reading, Relationships, Spectrum of Acceptance, Successful Relating

In this week’s blog, we discussed the underlying values behind what we want. Here are some useful articles looking at different aspects of this topic.

Understanding Your Core Values in Relationships (No They’re Not Your Common Interests) “One of the things that people are most confused about and that I get asked a lot of questions about, is the issue of ‘common interests’ and letting superficial things inadvertently get mixed in with your ‘core’ values. Over the past few days I’ve been talking about value and values in relationships, and in this post, I put a clear division between the nice to have stuff that doesn’t actually cause your relationship to endure unless you have the ‘core’ values covered off.”

Needs or Values? “Needs are filled; values are fulfilled. Furthermore needs are filled for me; values are fulfilled by me. The overarching goal of all of the various approaches to psychology is to fill a need. In contrast the overarching goal of logotherapy is to discover meaning, and along with that to fulfill values and to be response-able.”

Dating: Values vs. Preferences “Dating has gotten complex to say the least. And while there’s never a simple solution to complex issues, I’ll propose a starting place: I’d like to clarify Values vs. Preferences. Especially in Western society, it’s culturally validated to treat dates, relationships, and marriages according to desired preferences as opposed to inherent values.
Value (n): the regard that something is held to deserve; the importance, worth, or usefulness of something.
Preference (n): a greater liking for one alternative over another or others.”

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This week, we wrote about our differing personal journeys toward being in a peaceful relationship. Here are some articles that discuss different aspects of approaching such a relationship.

How to Find Peace in Challenging Relationships “Practice Acceptance – there is nothing more freeing than being who you are. There is nothing more peaceful than accepting people for exactly who they are. Peace exists in acceptance of the moment, the person, the circumstance. Perhaps there is a relationship that you are currently struggling with. Are you wishing things were different? Are you trying to control an outcome or change something about the person? What would happen if you created space for acceptance in that relationship?”

The Secret to Peaceful Relationships “There was a time when it was very easy for me to be disappointed by other people. I can’t tell you how many times I would feel angry or let down when someone failed to do what I wanted them to do or what they agreed they would do. I would sometimes be filled with strong, uncomfortable feelings in these situations. In addition, as you might imagine, this propensity brought friction into my friendships and other relationships as I even complained to these unwitting perpetrators that they shouldn’t have done what they did.”

13 Steps to Better Relationships…and Peace of Mind “Sometimes you need to know that good people have your back when things go wrong. Good relationships can bring peace of mind, not to mention longer life, companionship, health, happiness, and a host of other benefits. At our core, we are social creatures who need each other. Even meditating monks do it—congregate in communities, that is.”

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We wrote about seeing differences as assets rather than something to struggle over. Here are some articles that give advice on how to reframe differences as strengths.

How The Differences Keep A Relationship Together “When it comes to relationships, it’s easy to feel that like goes with like: people with similar interests, careers, backgrounds and life views are attracted to one another and stick together. Wrong. In fact, more often than not, it’s been argued that our differences make us stronger. Think about it: if we end up with people just like us, we won’t be exposed to new activities or ways of overcoming challenges. Our relationship won’t have quite so many nuances. And we won’t have to get out of our comfort zone.”

Accepting Other People’s Differences “Respecting both similarities and differences in others opens doors to many opportunities. You’ll learn new things and make better decisions, which in turn will help your career and improve your self-confidence. Others notice our openness, which can lead to new friendships,exciting travel opportunities, or simply makes us more interesting because of our broader worldview. In intimate relationships, differences are often a source of conflict, but they can just as easily be a blessing. Each partner’s unique perspective helps eliminate blind spots for the other one; their distinct skills can compliment weakness of the other. I lean on my wife for advice when I need to be diplomatic; she counts on me to navigate when we travel together.”

20 Things You Must Accept If You Want Your Relationship To Succeed “Love in fact, does not conquer all. It’s a common misconception that if you love someone, everything else will work itself out, but love alone is not enough. Acceptance is what will get you through to the other side. Acceptance doesn’t mean resignation; it means understanding that something is what it is and that you can choose it for exactly what it is. Because when you do choose it for what it is and what it isn’t, it brings something entirely new into your world.”

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We wrote about the increasing importance of relationships one year into the pandemic. Here are some articles reflecting on that year and what might have changed for people.

1 Year Into The Pandemic, These Are The Moments We Realized Everything Had Changed “The 1st anniversary of lockdowns, shutdowns, and shortages is upon us. To mark it, we’ve asked people to share their memories of when they realized how much life in the U.S. was about to change.”

The Pandemic Anniversary Is Coming. Here’s How to Cope “The pandemic is a unique stressor because we are still in it even though a year has passed. It’s hard to make sense of something while we’re still experiencing it, Elana Newman, Ph.D., McFarlin professor of psychology at the University of Tulsa, tells SELF. So if you’ve found it particularly tough to cope, reflecting on the year can bring all of those more difficult events to the surface.”

What will the new post-pandemic normal look like? “Will the wearing of bowties ever rebound with the once-fashion-conscious who’ve grown used to every day being pandemic casual? How about the dollar bill, now that so much spending has gone online and onto plastic? What about doctors’ visits, when the recent past showed that virtual appointments — minus traffic, parking, and schedule juggling — very often do the trick?”

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Last week we wrote about the increasing importance of relationships one year into the pandemic, and this week, four people share intimately how the year was for them. Here are some articles that also share insights into this past year.

One year after the COVID-19 pandemic turned us upside down, how has life changed? “We were thrust into a whole new unfamiliar and terrifying world. What we learned one day (wipe down your groceries! You don’t need to wear masks!) would no longer be best practice the next. It’s been one long, bumpy ride. And while we are not yet out of the woods, there is light at the end of the tunnel with three vaccines and distribution that is about to be significantly ramped up for the general public. So, how has this pandemic changed us individually and as a whole?”

Has a year of living with Covid-19 rewired our brains? “Whether you have experienced illness, relocated, lost a loved one or a job, got a kitten or got divorced, eaten more or exercised more, spent longer showering each morning or reached every day for the same clothes, it is an inescapable truth that the pandemic alters us all. But how? And when will we have answers to these questions – because surely there will be a time when we can scan our personal balance sheets and see in the credit column something more than grey hairs, a thicker waist and a kitten? (Actually, the kitten is pretty rewarding.) What might be the psychological impact of living through a pandemic? Will it change us for ever?”

Even if You Feel Like This Was a Lost Year, That Might Not Be True “Yet this year may not have been as lost as we fear. While researching a book on reinvention, I’ve interviewed dozens of experts on transformation in all its forms. I’ve spoken to neuroscientists who study creativity, psychologists who work with trauma survivors, cognitive scientists who study “aha” moments and business-school professors focused on innovation and career reinvention. The types of transformations they study vary. Yet I’ve been struck by the one step that every type of reinvention has in common: it’s preceded by an in-between time, a seemingly fallow period much like the one we find ourselves in now.”

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