Reading Corner

Links related to the weekly posts.

 

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This week, we wrote about transforming your relationship, a theme we also taught in our workshop. Here are some authors sharing their thoughts on various aspects of transformation.

Can One Person Transform a Relationship? “It sounds impossible, right? After all, it takes two to tango. How can one person transform a relationship without the other one on board? Well, it does take two to tango, but if one dancer knows exactly what they’re doing and practices often, he/she can teach their partner how to be a better dancer without them even knowing it.”

Empathy: The Secret To Transforming Your Love Relationships “I will say that one thing I have seen work wonders in improving relationships and alleviating marital and personal hardship is empathy. I call it the “secret sauce” of a happy marriage. In fact, a Harvard research study from a few years ago showed that marriages were more successful when the man tried to demonstrate empathy in his interactions with his wife. Clearly, there’s something important and noteworthy about it.”

To love is to nurture: The secret to real relationship transformation “Stop saying ‘I love you.’ And start saying, ‘I will nurture you.’ Shocking right? Yet when you give this one a try; the results will speak for themselves. From the first session I invite couples to lay down the word ‘love’ and instead use the word ‘nurture’. When we say we want someone to love us, we actually mean we want someone to nurture us.”

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In this week’s blog we wrote about commitment. This week’s links discuss various aspects of this topic.

Committed Relationship – What Does That Really Mean? “Commitment also requires that each partner choose it themselves. I don’t believe anyone can force you to commit to something. You can certainly try, but ultimately a true commitment that comes from the heart has to come from each person of their own free will.”

Passion + Intimacy + Commitment = Consummate Love “Passion, intimacy, and commitment are the three pillars of couple-love, says psychologist, Robert Sternberg in his “triangular theory.” We may love based on intimacy, passion, or commitment, or any combination of the three.”

What Committed to a Relationship Means “A deeper level of commitment, the psychologists report, is a much better predictor of lower divorce rates and fewer problems in marriage.”

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This week, we discuss why you need to avoid keeping score in your relationship. This, unfortunately, is a very common behavior in many relationships. Here are some articles to help you avoid acting in this way.

Stop Keeping Score “Who does the most work in the office? Who gets the most attention? Who did most of the cleaning in the house? Who bought the most presents? Who called who the most? The answer is this: No one cares about the silly scorecards inside your brain. When people keep score, there’s only one outcome: Resentment.”

Do You Keep Score in Your Relationships? “You and your partner just argued for the umpteenth time about whose turn it is to walk the dog:
“I walked her twice yesterday,” you point out.
“And I walked her for three days last week,” your partner retorts.
“Well,” you counter, “I took the kids to the doctor on Tuesday.”
And so it goes.”

Keeping Score In Marriage: 7 Tips To Help You Not Keep Score “Are you keeping score in your marriage? If you are, stop! You might be keeping scores in your head, or written them down on a hidden piece of paper somewhere, or on your phone. Keeping score in your marriage will not only make you feel miserable and guilty…. It will keep you waiting like a Lion, ready to pounce on your predator (in this case your spouse) for any mistakes he/she makes.”

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This week, we wrote about how to make the differences in your relationship be assets. This is something that we experience all the time in our relationship, and we think it is a key factor to having a peaceful relationship. Here are some articles offering help on how to achieve this.

Is it better to be like your partner? “Among many monogamous species, from cockatiels to cichlid fish, studies have revealed a clear pattern: it helps to be more similar to your mate. When mating pairs are behaviourally similar, their reproductive success tends to be higher. In human terms, this would imply it’s better to be similar to your partner. Indeed, for a long time psychologists and others have argued that similarity is probably beneficial – after all, then we will be more likely to enjoy the same pursuits, values and outlook on life. But no matter how intuitive the idea seems, for decades nearly every study has failed to support it.”

Is There Space For Both Personalities In Your Relationship? “Most couples do not understand or appreciate the differences in both partners’ personalities. As a result, they fight over trying to change each other, rather than leveraging each partner’s unique personality to build a strong and healthy relationship.”

Understand and accept differences in your relationship “Just because we’re different, (communication) issues arise. Because we observe everything from our male or female (energy) perspective sometimes it seems that your partner has gone totally mad. Of course in the early stages of being in love, we don’t see the differences so clearly. However sooner or later the differences – in terms of irritation points – become more apparent. The tendency (your conditioning) then is to judge and condemn. The tendency is also strong to try to reshape your partner to your ideal partner image. But it doesn’t work that way! You can’t change your partner! You can only change the way you deal with the situation.”

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We wrote this week about how to have challenging conversations with your partner and shared some of our own challenges. Here are some other interesting comments on this topic.

We Have to Talk: A Step-By-Step Checklist for Difficult Conversations “Think of a conversation you’ve been putting off. Got it? Great. Then let’s go. What you have here is a brief synopsis of best practice strategies: a checklist of action items to think about before going into the conversation; some useful concepts to practice during the conversation; and some tips and suggestions to help you stay focused and flowing in general, including possible conversation openings.”

How to Have Difficult Marriage Conversations “Having a difficult talk shows you care enough about your spouse and your marriage to have the conversation. Here are tips and strategies when you have to have that difficult talk — THE talk.”

How To Make Difficult Conversations About Relationship Problems Easier On You Both “Talking about relationship problems with your partner can feel scary, but learning how to have difficult conversations with the person you love is essential if you want your relationship to last.”

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