Reading Corner

Links related to the weekly posts.

 

By Posted on Posted in Our Process, Reading, Relationships, Successful Relating

In this week’s blog, we asked if you have thumbtacks in your relationship, where thumbtacks represent the lack of total acceptance. Here are some articles discussing different aspects of this issue.

Be the Change You Wish to See in Your Relationship “If you want your partner to change, start by accepting them for who they are. In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr. John Gottman says, “People can change only if they feel that they are basically liked and accepted the way they are. When people feel criticized, disliked, and unappreciated they are unable to change. Instead, they feel under siege and dig in to protect themselves.””

How to Communicate Your Needs in a Relationship “As we’ve discussed before, many men these days have trouble being assertive. One of the things these “Nice Guys” struggle with is communicating their needs to others. Because they shy away from conflict, and don’t want to trouble or inconvenience others, they constantly let other people’s needs supersede their own, and they find it difficult to articulate their personal goals and desires. Instead, they rely on “mind-reading,” believing their partners should intuitively know what they need without them having to say anything.”

8 Ways to Practice Compassion for a Healthier and Stronger Relationship “Let’s consider basic human needs, as taught by psychologist Abraham Maslow. All of our behaviors are driven by our needs, and our needs are derived from our emotional states. After our needs of food and shelter have been met, each of us have very important basic needs—four of which are the need for attention, affection, appreciation, and acceptance. The ways in which we seek these things is dependent upon our level of emotional intelligence, our beliefs, and our core values.”

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In this week’s blog, we wrote about how to defuse drama in your relationship. Here are some articles looking at this from several different points of view.

How I Broke My Wife and Turned Her Against Me “As I write this, I’m worried my wife is broken. Our relationship is in great peril, because of the things that I have done to her since the start of our marriage. You see, I used to be one of those men who always enjoyed pointing out faults in others. I just couldn’t help it; my mind was on autopilot”

7 Crucial Steps to Minimize Drama in Your Life “For a long time, I lamented all the damaging relationships I’d been in, as if I was some kind of victim who always got the short end of the stick. Then one day I realized there was a reason I always found myself in dramatic relationships: I was attracted to drama like a moth to a flame. … The things I said and did contradicted because it was easier to blame the world and stay the same than it would be to really see myself and make a change.”

3 Ways to Speak Up Without Starting a Fight “The importance of expressing your feelings in an intimate relationship shouldn’t be underestimated. Being honest about how you feel allows for bonding and emotional closeness, which improves every aspect of your relationship; withholding how you feel creates distance and disconnection. But even knowing how important emotional expression is, many people fear and avoid expressing their emotions—especially when they are upset. The most commonly cited reason: “I don’t want to cause a fight.””

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In this week’s blog, we wrote about how we started on a trip with different ideas and quickly resolved the differences. Here are some articles on how you can turn things around by changing your viewpoint.

Transform Your Relationship by Assuming the Best Intentions “I used to think he was out to get me. The man of my dreams was continually plotting to undermine my happiness in countless ways, all for some mysterious reason I couldn’t comprehend.”

5 Steps to Relationship Transformation “Nothing brings more joy and contentment than a good, healthy relationship. And nothing brings more frustration and stress than a bad relationship. Unfortunately, most people have never been taught how to make their relationships work. The good news is you can learn how to build any personal or professional relationship … if you apply one or more of these five strategies.”

Transforming Your Relationship: The Authenticity Trap “If you want a MAGNIFICENT love affair… an unshakable love and unleashed passion that lasts a lifetime….do not fall into the “I got to be ME” crap! Another fundamental truth to creating an unshakable foundation in your relationship is, you must stop making it about you! Sounds contradictory to being your authentic self doesn’t it? Let me ask you two questions that will give you some insight into how we reconcile these two fundamental relationship truths.”

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In this week’s blog, we said be grateful and don’t take things for granted. Here’s a bumper crop of articles on this topic. Enjoy!

Gratitude is for Lovers “I had one goal when I started graduate school five years ago—to understand why some romantic relationships thrive while others fail. I also had one primary hypothesis—that relationships fail when partners begin to take each other for granted. And I thought: If taking each other for granted is the poison, then gratitude might be the antidote.”

Do You Take It for Granted? “Are you grateful for the life that you have? Or do you take things for granted? Maybe you haven’t thought about it for a while. Did you ever fail to appreciate someone you care about? Was that because you were too busy putting out fires or focusing on other things? Or perhaps you assumed they’d just hang around forever.”

Why and How to Stop Taking So Much In Your Life For Granted “The week before last, my brother and I visited our Uncle up (up from us Southerners a least) in the Midlands as he has been poorly following a cancer diagnosis. He happened to say something that really resonated with me. He is currently experiencing ongoing pain and discomfort due to his illness. He said to us, “never underestimate how good it is to feel normal.” We spoke about this for a while, and he spoke of not taking “normal” for granted.”

The Perils (and Benefits) of Taking Each Other for Granted “Few things are more comforting than having a partner you can take for granted. On the other hand, there are potential—though generally hidden—dangers in being “blessed” with such a person, including risks to the other person, the relationship, and ultimately yourself. So what are the pros and cons of such a secure (seemingly immune) relationship?”

The Importance of Appreciation in a Relationship “Appreciation happens to be one of the 3 A’s in any healthy relationship: * Acceptance, * Appreciation, * Acknowledgement. As a keen observer, a common thing I happen to notice among many couples is appreciation. Or, to be more precise, the lack thereof. And it appears to be an increasingly common problem with couples who have been together for a while.”

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In this week’s blog, we celebrated the International Day of Peace and gave a number of links to peace organizations. We’re shaking it up here with a variety of different links.

Negative versus Positive Peace A short but insightful way of thinking about peace: “Negative peace refers to the absence of violence. … Positive peace is filled with positive content such as restoration of relationships, the creation of social systems that serve the needs of the whole population and the constructive resolution of conflict.”

Imagine (UNICEF: World Version) video “The World version of the iconic song ‘Imagine’, by the legendary John Lennon. Featuring Sonu Nigam, Katy Perry, Priyanka Chopra, will.i.am, and many more.”

Dictionary Definitions Many different dictionary definitions of peace.

The Peace Treaty Thich Nhat Hanh writes about an agreement on how to resolve anger between two people.

In The Better Angels of our Nature, Steven Pinker argued that violence has actually been in decline over long stretches of history. Here’s an article and a TEDx talk by him.