How to Transform Your Relationship and Make it Conflict-free

Phil and Maude presentationLast week we gave a workshop on transforming your relationship. Our work involves creating and re-framing relationships as peaceful conflict-free ones. In order to do that a change in perception is critical – a change in how you see relationships. What is the nature of that transformation? It consists of several points.

Firstly, how does transformation take place? Is it something that happens over a period of time, like ice melting, or suddenly, like a twig breaking?

We are all interpreting our senses in terms of what we have learned before and come to expect; in other words, our ideas. A new idea changes everything, like seeing the answer to a crossword clue. Once you’ve seen it, you can’t unsee it.

Transforming your relationship is like that. It’s a reframing of the way the two of you relate. It’s essentially a new idea, a different way of seeing the interactions between you.

Secondly, what is the transformation? It’s actually a number of interlocking ideas.

  • Your partner is a unique individual as much as you are, and just like you, appreciates autonomy, the sense of being free and in charge of their life.
  • The two of you are on the same side, that life is a partnership, not a competition. It’s not a zero-sum game.
  • Your current desires are just one way to get your needs met, and there are many other ways that you and your partner can find together.

What are the conditions for this to be able to happen? One of them lies within you. You have to know yourself. This isn’t a yes/no answer; it’s always a work in progress. It requires being reflective and distinguishing what you want from what other people expect of you.

The other condition is, of course, the other person. Relationships need to be based on trust, and this takes a while to develop. This doesn’t just apply to a personal relationship, but with everyone: friends, your car mechanic, your coworkers. Basic to developing this kind of trust is exploring your core values and seeing that they match.

Reframe your relationship and transform it into a conflict-free one #relationships #quote Click To TweetWhat steps can you take to achieve this transformation?

A powerful beginning toward such a big shift in viewpoint comes with what we refer to as belief and intention. Since you are basically venturing into new and uncharted territory, a suspension of disbelief is necessary. You have to give up what is known and comfortable, and allow yourself to believe that something else is actually possible.

That is why we describe, again and again, the nature of our relationship. It does exist. There is nothing magical about what we do that you can’t do, too.

And then a further step is required. You must apply the intention to find and have this experience. Since this is a mutual adventure, the participants have to commit to this exploration together.

The place where you can discover this different way of connecting, of relating, is not in the joy – most people can find that – but in the struggle.

In our writings, we describe something we call Our Process, which outlines a method that leads you through finding mutual solutions and decisions. This occurs through the act of co-creating together, and through repetition, builds up the awareness that you are not in opposition to each other. This is the place where transformation can occur. You know you are together and on the same side – not that you think it is so, you know it is so. This very experiential knowledge opens the door to a peaceful relationship.

This kind of change is very powerful and can not only alter the individuals involved but can effect great change in the world around them. This is how peace is spread: one relationship at a time.


Photo credit: Lynelle Paulick

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2 comments on “How to Transform Your Relationship and Make it Conflict-free
  1. iris says:

    It’s all about the language one chooses to use. It’s a leap of faith to go into one’s own mind and reprogram how one views a challenge! Clearly, if one chooses to step away from what feels uncomfortable and”reframe” it with different words; there’s a good chance to get a different result. Then one has this choice each time a feeling of discomfort arises to change the words into something more valuable We are programmed to salivate when we smell something delicious and to arch our back when something feels uncomfortable. Learning to soften our posture and use words that have more possibilities can help in each situation.

    • Maude says:

      Dear Iris,
      Thank you for sharing your wise words. A leap is always both daunting and at the same time transcendent!
      with love
      Maude

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