Reading Corner

Links related to the weekly posts.

 

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In this week’s blog, we wrote about intimacy in a relationship. Here are some accompanying articles. The first is unusually insightful about the structure of relationships.

Intimacy: The Art of Relationships This is a long but really impressive article on relationships; we encourage you to read it in its entirety. Some excerpts: “Most marriage partners don’t even know they expected something until they realize that they’re not getting it…. there are skills that have to be learned so that such interaction can be safe. Both partners need to learn how to listen without judging or giving unwanted advice…. Expressing your feelings about a given situation and asking for your partner’s honesty in return is the most significant way to discover truth in your relationship. Instead, most communication between intimates is nonverbal and leans heavily on mind reading…. One of the simple truths of relationships is that often enough, all we need to do to resolve a problem is to listen to our partner–not just passively listen but truly hear what is in the mind and in the heart…. All it requires is listening with empathy, and the experience becomes a source of pleasure for both of them.”

How to Feel Close and Connected in Your Relationship Again “When we’re feeling disconnected and unfulfilled in our relationships, we often believe that we need something more from the other person. We think that in order for us to be happy, the other person needs to be or do something different. While it may be true that sometimes there are some changes we need to make, oftentimes being happy and getting what we desire has more to do with our own awareness.”

The 5 Stages Of Intimacy (And Why You Need To Know Where YOU Are) “We’ve all heard of the five stages of grief according to the Kübler-Ross model: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Believe it or not, grief and intimacy mirror one another—the intensity, the dullness, the gains, and the loss.”

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In this week’s blog, we write about the myth that differences cause problems in a relationship. Here are some articles that also discuss this topic.

How the Differences in Your Relationship Can Be Gifts “It’s in our nature as humans to gravitate towards those who have interests similar to our own. And in many ways, this serves us well. On the other hand, it doesn’t leave much room for experiencing all that life has to offer…. By opening ourselves up to another way of living and being, we can make more educated decisions about what we want our own lives to look like. These varied life experiences allow us to express ourselves more fully and be more authentically present in the world.”

How To Understand Personality Differences… For Happier Relationships
“You are so disorganized.
No, I’m not. I’m flexible. You’re just being inflexible.
Which is it? Disorganized or flexible?
I’ve heard it both ways.
Here’s the thing. We’re always looking at the world through the lens of our personality style. And since people have this self-affirming bias, there is a tendency for them — a healthy one really — to value characteristics that they perceive in themselves. If I’m organized, I tend to view it as a valuable thing.”

Differences, incompatibilities and marriage success “What’s important is not so much the degree or type of difference. It’s how couples manage their areas of difference and incompatibility, and whether their relationship style is appropriate for the degree and type of differences and similarities that they have. It’s especially important that they take advantage of their areas of similarity to maintain a positive emotional tone. Couples must avoid becoming stuck in trying to convert their partner to adopt their viewpoint.”

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In this week’s blog, we say that compromise is not the way to success in relationships. Here are some articles about that, and our May 31, 2017 Reading Corner links on reaching mutual solutions also cover the topic of not compromising.

Should I Give Up Me to Not Lose You? “How far can you afford to bend your values to preserve your relationship? How far can you go in giving yourself up to avoid losing your partner? How much of yourself can you afford to sacrifice to not lose someone you love? How do we find the balance between maintaining our integrity and bending our values? Most relationships require us to bend to a certain extent, but how much can we bend without a loss of self?”

Are You Compromised In Your Relationships? “I look back at some of my past relationships and I compromised and was so compromised that I didn’t recognise myself. My boundaries would get battered, I’d forget about things that I valued, and I would morph to reduce the conflicts that were arising in my relationship, both between myself and the guy, and also within me. This was all in the hope that the payoff would be a happy relationship, however instead, I became so distanced from myself, it was like the real me was trapped inside begging to be let out.”

Good Compromise vs. Bad Compromise “About a decade ago, I dated a guy who … didn’t want me to attend my favorite morning yoga classes. He explained he did not want anything—other than himself—to bring me morning pleasure. So I stopped going (to make him happy and relaxed) and began drinking red wine (which made me happy and relaxed instead)”

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In this week’s blog, we say that having to work hard in a relationship is a myth. A funny thing happened when we looked for links. Almost all of the articles described the “myth” as being the other way around: that relationships actually do need work. Here are some rare exceptions that disagree.

Seven Reasons Why Relationship Feels So Hard Sometimes “Relationships are complex. In a partnership, you have two individuals, with different personalities, ways of relating, expectations, and desires; not to mention differences in family upbringing, gender, culture, class, and beliefs. The list of ways you and your partner can be different is lengthy, but the point is that there are going to be times when you and your partner have vastly different perspectives. When encountering such difference, it is natural and normal to experience discomfort and feel as though there is a problem. However, differences are not inherently bad. They do not have to result in power struggles, arguments, and threats to the relationship.”

The Biggest Relationship Myth “It’s hard to avoid it, the biggest relationship myth. Everyone tells it to us. Family, friends, chick flicks, books, magazines, music lyrics – heck, we even propagate this myth to ourselves.
Relationships are hard work.
Relationships aren’t supposed to be simple.
Relationships are messy.
Or, as Coldplay simply puts it, “Nobody said it was easy.”
Wait, you’re wondering, how is this a myth? Relationships are hard work. Good relationships aren’t supposed to be easy. My relationship is messy. Before you angrily close the page or write me an irritated comment, hear me out.”

An 81-year marriage is impressive, but it shouldn’t be fetishised “I find the ‘relationships are hard work’ mantra questionable at best, and harmful at worst. There are many with vested interests in keeping people, particularly women, in unhealthy relationships to preserve social order. Relationships shouldn’t be hard work. Relationships survive because of luck and happy willing effort. I have seen people work their guts out and grow apart, and others cruise along, happily growing around each other like trellised roses.”

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In this week’s blog, we wrote about how to stay connected by accepting your partner. These links give a variety of thoughts about this topic.

Marriage Help: Do You Accept Or Tolerate Your Partner? “When your partner tolerates you (or, more accurately, tolerates something about you), s/he has to continuously expend energy in order to suppress feelings of judgment and criticism. In short, when you tolerate your partner, you will find that you’re frequently biting your tongue and sooner or later, you’ll erupt in frustration or anger. Acceptance, on the other hand, implies an openness to the other person, an openness to the differences that exist between you and your partner. When you accept your partner, you see and appreciate his/her uniqueness, and there is no need for emotional resistance—there is no withholding, no need to emotionally hide from one another.”

A Lasting Romance Is Built on Flaws: 6 Tips for a Strong Relationship “It’s human nature to size up a potential partner by drawing from past experience. There are so many ways to catalog the possible flaws: He’s too short. She’s too tall. Too fat. Too thin. Not enough education. Too much education. Or you become judgmental about how much your date eats or drinks or how they interact with other people. The perceived flaws get in the way of making a connection. It’s like the three bears’ approach to dating, looking for that partner who is “just right.” Too often we make the mistake of looking for a mirror of ourselves in a partner.”

Emotional Connection: What it is and how to get it “What is emotional connection? It’s an overused term that means many things. In this context, emotional connection is not just affection, terms of endearment, or closeness in day-to-day living. Rather, it is the knowledge that your partner empathizes with you and will turn toward you when you need them. Emotional connection is the kind of primal safety you get from knowing that you are seen, valued, and comforted in your most vulnerable moments.”

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