Reading Corner

This week’s blog is about being present in your relationship. Here are some writings on that subject.

Are You Fully Present in Your Relationship or Marriage? “You know that feeling you get when you’re talking to your partner or spouse and they don’t seem to be “there there?” By that, I mean, a part of them is somewhere else, and it’s not with you. You might wonder where their mind is, or feel insulted or hurt that they’re not being fully present in your company.”

The Art of Now: Six Steps to Living in the Moment “Mindfulness boosts your awareness of how you interpret and react to what’s happening in your mind. It increases the gap between emotional impulse and action, allowing you to do what Buddhists call recognizing the spark before the flame. Focusing on the present reboots your mind so you can respond thoughtfully rather than automatically. Instead of lashing out in anger, backing down in fear, or mindlessly indulging a passing craving, you get the opportunity to say to yourself, ‘This is the emotion I’m feeling. How should I respond?'”

The Importance of Staying Present in a Relationship “In this way, we create a shared environment of presence. Even if your partner is not as present, you can create this space. Often if one person does it, the other will follow. But we must remember to cultivate this space even in the absence of conflict. This means we do our best to stay present, and invite our partner to share in it with openness and non-judgment.”

Relationship Resolution 4: Be Present “As a marriage therapist, I am often asked what are the problems that drive couples to my office. One of the most common and, in my view, saddest is when couples describe their relationship as being more like roommates than spouses. They frequently describe their life together as one of parallel existence with limited meaningful interaction, let alone any real intimacy.”

This week’s blog asks if there is a better way than compromise. Our approach is quite different than most on this issue, but after searching, we found some great links for you.

Compromise: Is there an Alternative? “I hear a lot in the news these days about compromise. It always sounds so grudging: people giving up things they cherish in tiny installments, holding on for dear life, fighting furiously to let go of as little as possible. What a difficult way to think about life, as a nonstop holding battle. If I do this I have so little energy left to welcome what else life has to bring me.”

Never Compromise: 3 Steps to Synergy in Your Relationship “Compromise sounds great, in theory. At first glance, it is a way for you and your partner to “meet in the middle” and to find a resolution that you both can be okay with. But, in reality, compromise can feel like you lost or gave in. When you compromise, you are giving up what feels important to you and this doesn’t always foster a sense of connection and cooperation in your relationship.”

The next link is from Susan Heitler Ph.D., for whom we have great respect. We’re reading one of her books, The Power of Two, and highly recommend it.

Solve Tough Dilemmas With the Win-Win Waltz “Would you like to resolve all your conflicts without arguing? No more “My way!”, “No my way!” fights? Learn instead the three steps of the win-win waltz. The three steps of win-win waltzing help you to understand each other’s concerns instead of locking into adversarial positions. The more understanding you gain about both your and others’ deeply felt concerns, the more likely it becomes that you will be able to be nice to yourself and simultaneously nice also to others.”

This week’s blog was on how to improve your relationship with active listening, and here are some interesting articles about that:

How To Get Heard In Your Relationships: The Power Of Active Listening “There is nothing worse than not feeling heard. You’ve probably encountered a bad listener at a party, at work, or even in your personal life. It’s the person who continues to talk without pausing for you to get a word in, and when you do finally get the chance they don’t ask any follow-up questions because they probably didn’t even hear what you said.”

Practicing Active Listening Can Improve Your Relationship “Often partners are convinced that they are excellent listeners. However, when asked, many partners are unable to give an adequate summary of what their partner was saying. Partners aren’t always conscious of their tendency to plan what they are going to say next.”

How to Relearn Listening to Your Spouse “When you have been married for a long time, you may start to wonder what happened to the strong, communicative relationship you used to have. Perhaps you have endured too many fights and accusations that you don’t listen anymore. There are steps you can take to regain your ability and desire to listen to your spouse.”

This week’s blog was on balancing intimacy and individual time, and we have some good articles on that this week:

Relationship Success: Balancing Togetherness and Individuality “A client of mine — during our initial consultation — said the following: “Here’s my issue. When I’m in a relationship, I invest so much of myself into maintaining romance and intimacy that I forget who I am as an individual. How can I balance my personal identity with my identity as a couple?”

Balancing Time Together vs. Apart “But if you think you want to try to have a happier, more satisfying experience of a relationship with another person, it might be worth considering: What kind of time do you need alone? What kind of time do you want together? How can you let the other person know what you need/want?”

Surprise! The REAL Secret To A Great Marriage … Is Time Alone “Stop the presses! We’ve discovered the most important ingredient of a successful marriage! And do you know what it is? The answer is . . . (drum roll, please) . . . alone time!”

This week’s blog was on alienation within your relationship, and what you can do about it. Some articles around that topic:

Rekindle Emotional Intimacy in Your Relationship “Emotional distance is one of the primary complaints of couples that come to my office for marriage counseling. While I think it’s normal for romantic love to wax and wane over time, it’s very uncomfortable to lose that loving feeling for your partner.”

Bridging Emotional Distance “Emotional distance in a relationship can feel like a descent into quicksand: slow and seemingly unstoppable…. Often, you can avoid sinkholes in your relationship merely by watching where you step. Know the communication styles that cause your partner to automatically tense up or withdraw.”

3 Signs Your Relationship is in Trouble “In all relationships there are ebbs and flows; times when you feel closer and times when you feel more distant. You may go through periods when things are going well, and then find yourselves stuck in conflicts and misunderstandings. Recognizing that there are problems is the first step toward finding out what you need to do “