Struggle to Get To The Place of No Struggle
Podcast: Download
Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | RSS
One of our readers was sharing our blog with a friend and wrote, “Love their blogs, though they make it seem easier than it is.” This is something we have heard before, and we would like to address it.
What we offer is a transformation, a reframing of how you see your partner and your expectations of them, so that the two of you can be together peacefully without conflict. Having the kind of relationship that we describe, one devoid of conflict, distance and estrangement, requires an often radical change in viewpoint, understanding and behavior.
Like all larger changes, this can be quite daunting. It may take a while to grasp this different way of relating because it wasn’t that way in your past relationships or your family. You’re used to seeing conflict in your friends’ relationships and in TV and movie portrayals.
The status quo is a strong pull, yet our message is that it doesn’t have to be like that. A peaceful way of relating is real and you can move toward it as a result of this knowledge. The vision of what it can be is very powerful and can give you a strong incentive to change.
It may take a while to alter old habits. What will help make this happen is to know and believe that an alternative exists and that you want to live that way.
Awareness of what is possible and intention to be that way are the tools for a peaceful relationship Share on XWhen you are aware of how a conflict-free peaceful way of relating looks and can feel, then you can also recognize the behaviors that are stopping you from relating in this manner. Just the fact of applying awareness to the situation changes it.
Instead of replaying scenes and having the same behaviors and responses, you will notice your own actions. “Wow, there I am reacting with anger again!” “I’m not in the present accepting my partner for who they are, I’m in my head projecting what is and acting out of fear of what was!”
It takes two to have an argument. If your partner gets angry, scared or whatever, you don’t have to join in. Change occurs by breaking old patterns (though it’ll feel strange, different, uncomfortable at first), and when you make it different for you, you also make it different for your partner. Hopefully they will be able to change, too. Ultimately, you and your partner have to end up in the same place, though you might not travel at the same pace en route.
If you and your partner are committed to having a loving peaceful relationship and working together towards it, you will surely walk through those difficulties and emerge in a place that better fits your mutual desires.
While you are working and moving toward that goal, it may seem hard and there may be struggle. It may take a while to get to the kind of relationship we describe.
The amazing thing is that once you take that step of transformation, it will become as easy as it is for us! Awareness of what is possible and intention to be that way are the tools to take you there.
Photo credit: Maude Mayes
shared via email to newsletter:
Virginia Johnson:
Thank you so much!
You are so welcome! We are happy the blog resonated with you!
all the best
Maude
Steve Figler wrote: For me the key piece in this Sunday’s post is the idea that if “A” gets mad, “B” doesn’t have to get mad too. That’s a tough one,
especially if the mad one (“A”) doesn’t accept responsibility. What
is B to do? Well, you’re right, also getting mad doesn’t have to be
the primary option, or perhaps any option. Thanks.
I was once in a fiery relationship where I developed the image of being a rock in a stream. All her emotions flooded past me, but I remained unmoved. There were times when I didn’t sustain it, though. The Reddit relationships group uses the term “grey rock” to describe remaining unaffected by chaotic event X.