Reading Corner

Links related to the weekly posts.

 

By Posted on Posted in Core Values, Our Process, Reading, Relationships, Successful Relating Tagged with , ,

This week, we wrote about how to deal with the bumps you encounter in your relationships. Here are some of our previous posts that touch on different aspects of this area.

How to Embrace Differences, Not Trip Over Them “In last week’s post, we wrote that having peaceful relationships is a choice. So, let’s say you have made that choice. What now? One of the biggest things to find a way to embrace within yourself is the fact that we are all unique; we are each one of a kind. Although we all share many similarities, we are all different. Many who write on the topic of relationships feel that this difference means that conflict is inevitable. From our own personal experience, we strongly disagree with this viewpoint. To change this propensity, it is necessary to learn to respond to the kind of differences our uniqueness creates in a way other than fear, conflict, feeling threatened, distancing, anger, or protectiveness.”

How to Deal With Decisions and Disagreements in Your Relationship “There are multiple ways to solve a problem, and by exploring, you can find a solution that works for both of you because it will fit with your shared values. There is a solution out there somewhere, even though you can’t imagine it in the face of that daunting 100 ft. cliff. Here’s where the fun comes in. You can find a path toward mutual solutions: a place where both of you are happy, satisfied, and even enriched beyond your original version of the solution. It is a co-creative process of listening, exploring, and searching for the values and important aspects of what underlies each others’ wants, and then finding a path to mutual satisfaction. To do this, two factors are necessary: belief and intention. You need to believe that there is a place where the two of you can come together on an issue without either one of you feeling you are giving something up or deferring just to have peace. This is nothing like what is often referred to as compromise; that involves one or both parties giving something up in order to move forward. Finding a mutual solution is quite different from compromise. In addition to all that is the intention to reach that place. Unlike wishing for a pony or a Ferrari, your desires can make it so. Check with your partner and make it a conscious agreement.”

Why Are Core Values Important in All Your Relationships? “What do you do when differences arise in relationships? Aren’t there always times when you are inevitably at odds? Here are some examples of the kinds of things people get hung up on:

  • My roommate is a slob; they leave dishes in the sink and clothes all over the place.
  • My friend never calls me; it’s always me reaching out to make contact.
  • I can’t stand it when my partner spends money without regard to the budget we’ve agreed on.

Some of these issues are material: where you live, what your physical needs are, how important possessions are to you. Others are emotional, to use the term broadly. What’s your balance of privacy and connection? What are your expectations of support? What do your religious beliefs call for? These can be thought of as wants, needs, and values, though they blend into each other somewhat. By looking at what yours are, and how they match with other people, you get a clearer view of your compatibility.”

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By Posted on Posted in Reading, Relationships, Successful Relating Tagged with , ,

This week, we wrote about how relationships are your path toward growth. Here are some of our earlier posts about how to use this in your relationships.

How to Stop Irritation Poisoning Your Relationship “When Phil noticed yesterday that he had spoken in a manner that made him uncomfortable, he looked within himself to see what was happening. He chose a time when we were alone together and sitting in close contact to share what he felt and why he had spoken in the manner he did. Touch can be very helpful in these moments, if it is a comfortable choice for you. Instead of both feeling strange or hurt or distressed, we drew closer, and again had cause to realize that we both want the same things and that neither of us likes or feels good to be out of harmony with ourselves or each other.”

How To Avoid Relationship Conflicts With One Little Word “I was in a Zoom women’s group and was sharing about a technique that was discussed in a class I attended. This technique was designed to be used in situations where you are feeling responses like irritation, impatience, or anger in your relationships. The simple, yet very effective technique, is to ask yourself in such a situation, “What is important here?” This helps you to calm down and to think about where you want to put your emphasis in responding to a situation you are finding challenging. When I recounted this story, I unconsciously added a word to it. I said. “Stop, and ask yourself what is important here.” One of the women shared that hearing me say stop gave her something she could understand working with when things were getting heated in a relationship. If you stop, what are you stopping? You are stepping away from being reactive in the situation. When you stop, the very first thing you will often find is that you can breathe. In these situations, people often start holding their breath without realizing it. Stopping pulls you into the present and gives you a moment to step back from being drawn into conflict, if that’s where your mind or the other person’s behavior is going.”

How to Handle Discord in Your Relationship “As we were discussing what to share on how you can avoid this sense of separation in your relationships, this sense of disjointedness, I asked Phil what he would say to others about this, and he replied, “Don’t go there in the first place and if you’re in there, get out.” So, where is “there”? “There” is where you feel at odds with the other person, where you forget the we/us sense and lose sight of the fact of being on the same side. It’s where you stop functioning from that deep bond and instead flounder around in some confusion of the mind. This place is tinged with fear and defensiveness. How do you get out? It will be different for each person, but in every case, it involves not being attracted to this sensation of separateness. Return to your sense of surety in the connection and find your trust of that, even if you are not seeing it in the moment. It involves a practice of looking inside yourself to find out what is going on with you, rather than thinking it is about the other person.”

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By Posted on Posted in Presence, Reading, Relationships, Successful Relating Tagged with

This week, we wrote about how to keep your relationships alive through being present and aware. Here are some other posts we have written on different aspects of this topic.

Do You Give Enough Time and Attention to Your Close Relationships? “I am proposing to each person that we take some time during this next year, from now through my birthday next year, to spend some quality one-on-one time with each other. How, what and where are not important to me. What is important is that we spend the time, attention and awareness of experiencing our relationship together. No matter where we are or what we are doing, what we will be doing is stepping out of daily life just a bit to concentrate on the immediate and present experience of being together. I share this plan to make clear one of the things I have found most important in any truly deep and peaceful relationship. The key component is that you take the time to just revel in being together, in whatever form, as long as conscious presence and awareness are part of that sharing.”

Why the Essence of Connection in Your Relationships is Being Present “One of the elements that permeates our relationship is that when we are together we are present with each other. We are not only there in the physical sense, but also mentally and emotionally. I’ve been thinking about how important it is to practice presence in all relating, and how this gets lost so very often in the way people interact with each other. What does this feel like when it is there and when it is missing? I have a good friend who seems almost to have disappeared from view. When we are together, I do not feel she is actually there. She seems to be on her way somewhere else: mentally, emotionally, and even physically a bit. The flavor of my friend is still there, but the feeling of her essence being present with me, with “us”, is not. I mention “us” because this is an important component of presence in relationship. When I sit here on the couch discussing the blog topic and content with Phil, we are both acutely involved in this moment. We are here with each other and also with the “we”, the “us” as well. As we have been doing this for decades, the mutual self is quite recognizable and is present along with each of our individual selves.”

Why is Being Present in Your Relationships So Powerful? “Anchor your relationships in reality by experiencing them in the present, in the moment-to-moment interactions. When you focus on that, rather than what happened or what might happen, look at what is happening, let it in, give voice to it. This is especially useful when struggling. Stay in your body by saying “I,” and stay in the present by speaking in the present tense. Try not saying “you” at all. “I feel ignored” is so much stronger than “I felt that you ignored me” and gives you the best chance of finding the roots of the discord. If a relationship is not happening in the present, then it is only the memory of a relationship or the projection of one. Through sharing experiences, thoughts and feelings, relationships establish a sense of connection. This sense can exist in memory: “We went to Scotts Valley for our anniversary.” “We have been friends for a lifetime.” It can exist in projections of the future: “We are going to the Cliff House in November.” “We are hosting a zoom meeting on Friday.” “We are giving a pilot course early next year.” If the relationship has only a remembered past or a projected future then the sense of it exists only in your thoughts. It can be important, it can be sweet or painful or both. However, it is not something that exists outside of your mind.”

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By Posted on Posted in compromise, Reading, Relationships, Successful Relating

This week, we shared an excerpt from our book on how to find peaceful solutions without giving anything up. Here are some other posts we’ve written on alternatives to compromise.

Compromise is Not the Way to Success in Relationships “The underlying principle of compromise is that you give something up in order to get something else. It is based on the belief that because each person in a relationship is different, that the partners will have to deny their wishes in order to make their partner happy and keep peace in the relationship.
This could not be further from the truth. Difference can be experienced as enrichment, as something that gets added, rather than something which presents problems that call for sacrifice. We have found another path, one which continually surprises us with its wonderful results.”

How to Reach Agreement Without Compromise “There are many methods for solving problems and making decisions that couples employ. One of the more popular ones is compromise. This can be a good technique for avoiding conflict for many relationships. Instead of digging your heels in and refusing to yield an inch, it works by trading off. Each party gives up certain positions in exchange for achieving other goals, with each side ideally giving up roughly the same amount. This balance may apply to an individual situation or, as is more often the case, average out over a longer period.”

By Posted on Posted in compromise, Reading, Relationships, Successful Relating

This week, we wrote that there’s only one side in peaceful relationships—the same side. Here are some articles we’ve written on the topic of compromise in relationships.

How To Avoid Compromise in Your Relationship “‘Oh, what I do to keep peace in my relationship!’ This was the frequent refrain of a dear friend, and when asked further what he meant by that, he explained ‘Well it seems I’m always giving something up to keep my partner happy. Often, when we disagree on how or when or where to go or what changes to make, I seem to give up my point of view, or most of what I want, to keep her happy. To be fair, she does the same. It just seems to be a constant tug of war, with one of us the winner and one of us the loser.’ This experience of compromise is one that many people seem to have; they feel they must give up something to get something else.”

Is There a Better Way Than Compromise? “Compromise. Give a little, get a little. It’s the lubricant of relationships, the WD-40 that gets you unstuck. But let’s look at the price ticket. Someone lost out. There’s a feeling of deprivation, of being shorted. If the relationship is equitable, there’s an expectation that a favor is due on some future occasion. ‘You owe me one!’ And these favors have to be priced. Is fixing the car worth more than doing the tax returns? This is the difficulty with compromise; that you are always giving something up in order to get something else. Over time, this can build up and create a sense that you are not really ever getting what you want, leading to resentments, estrangement and a decrease in willingness to compromise.”

Why a Positive Attitude is Important to Reach a Successful Compromise “All too often, people practice ‘giving in’ to keep the peace. There are two aspects of this attitude that are important to realize. The first is that there is no true element of giving when ‘giving in’. I am reminded of a quote I often think of in viewing this kind of behavior, “There is no sacrifice in service.” The second aspect is that “giving in to keep the peace” does not create peace. In fact, it results, quite often, in the opposite. When one person in a relationship feels like they have to repeatedly give in and give up their wants or needs, it very often creates a sense of hardship. That person is left holding onto a feeling of loss. “I gave up on what I wanted to avoid arguments.” This can build up over time to a deep feeling of resentment and often results in an explosive and out of proportion response to a later situation.”