Reading Corner

Links related to the weekly posts.

 

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This week, we discuss why you need to avoid keeping score in your relationship. This, unfortunately, is a very common behavior in many relationships. Here are some articles to help you avoid acting in this way.

Stop Keeping Score “Who does the most work in the office? Who gets the most attention? Who did most of the cleaning in the house? Who bought the most presents? Who called who the most? The answer is this: No one cares about the silly scorecards inside your brain. When people keep score, there’s only one outcome: Resentment.”

Do You Keep Score in Your Relationships? “You and your partner just argued for the umpteenth time about whose turn it is to walk the dog:
“I walked her twice yesterday,” you point out.
“And I walked her for three days last week,” your partner retorts.
“Well,” you counter, “I took the kids to the doctor on Tuesday.”
And so it goes.”

Keeping Score In Marriage: 7 Tips To Help You Not Keep Score “Are you keeping score in your marriage? If you are, stop! You might be keeping scores in your head, or written them down on a hidden piece of paper somewhere, or on your phone. Keeping score in your marriage will not only make you feel miserable and guilty…. It will keep you waiting like a Lion, ready to pounce on your predator (in this case your spouse) for any mistakes he/she makes.”

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This week, we wrote about how to make the differences in your relationship be assets. This is something that we experience all the time in our relationship, and we think it is a key factor to having a peaceful relationship. Here are some articles offering help on how to achieve this.

Is it better to be like your partner? “Among many monogamous species, from cockatiels to cichlid fish, studies have revealed a clear pattern: it helps to be more similar to your mate. When mating pairs are behaviourally similar, their reproductive success tends to be higher. In human terms, this would imply it’s better to be similar to your partner. Indeed, for a long time psychologists and others have argued that similarity is probably beneficial – after all, then we will be more likely to enjoy the same pursuits, values and outlook on life. But no matter how intuitive the idea seems, for decades nearly every study has failed to support it.”

Is There Space For Both Personalities In Your Relationship? “Most couples do not understand or appreciate the differences in both partners’ personalities. As a result, they fight over trying to change each other, rather than leveraging each partner’s unique personality to build a strong and healthy relationship.”

Understand and accept differences in your relationship “Just because we’re different, (communication) issues arise. Because we observe everything from our male or female (energy) perspective sometimes it seems that your partner has gone totally mad. Of course in the early stages of being in love, we don’t see the differences so clearly. However sooner or later the differences – in terms of irritation points – become more apparent. The tendency (your conditioning) then is to judge and condemn. The tendency is also strong to try to reshape your partner to your ideal partner image. But it doesn’t work that way! You can’t change your partner! You can only change the way you deal with the situation.”

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We wrote this week about how to have challenging conversations with your partner and shared some of our own challenges. Here are some other interesting comments on this topic.

We Have to Talk: A Step-By-Step Checklist for Difficult Conversations “Think of a conversation you’ve been putting off. Got it? Great. Then let’s go. What you have here is a brief synopsis of best practice strategies: a checklist of action items to think about before going into the conversation; some useful concepts to practice during the conversation; and some tips and suggestions to help you stay focused and flowing in general, including possible conversation openings.”

How to Have Difficult Marriage Conversations “Having a difficult talk shows you care enough about your spouse and your marriage to have the conversation. Here are tips and strategies when you have to have that difficult talk — THE talk.”

How To Make Difficult Conversations About Relationship Problems Easier On You Both “Talking about relationship problems with your partner can feel scary, but learning how to have difficult conversations with the person you love is essential if you want your relationship to last.”

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This week, we wrote about our anniversary trip where, as is our custom, we reviewed our year and talked about what we wanted for ourselves and for the relationship moving forward. This is not just an annual event; we connect on a daily basis (our Sacred Space.)
Checking in with each other is important to incorporate into a relationship on an ongoing basis. Here are a number of writers describing checking in with their partner.

Why Is Checking in so Important? “What is it that extraordinarily happy couples are doing? One of the important things is checking in. Checking in is taking a brief break from the many competing urgencies of our day to first check inside to see what we are experiencing and then to use that brief break to reveal to our partner what we are experiencing.”

Don’t Be a Stranger: Checking-In with Your Partner “I have had a number of first sessions with couples where one of them ends up saying some variation of “I didn’t know.” Whether that is “I didn’t know you were so unhappy,” or “I didn’t know we were in such a bad place” or even “I didn’t know I was so miserable.” … I would like to recommend one tool that can help to increase emotional connection and a couple’s ability to truly know each other: frequent check-ins.”

The Weekly Check-In: How One New Habit Transformed Our Relationship “How does one hour of alone time with your spouse completely change the dynamic of your relationship? I don’t really know, but that’s what has happened for my husband Alan and I. So, we decided one day that we were going to do a check-in once a week, on Sundays. What we couldn’t predict was how much of an impact the simple act of meeting over bubble tea with a sketchpad and a pen would have on our relationship, and not only that, but in our businesses as well.”

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This week, we wrote about treasuring the bond at the core of your relationship. These articles discuss how to find that bond and foster it.

Ten Elements of Effective Relationships “The other day, a friend pointed out that I very often write from the perspective of what people are doing wrong, as opposed to what they are doing right. Well, here are some things that I have found to be effective elements in a successful relationship; the right stuff.”

5 Boundaries That Actually Bolster Your Bond in Your Marriage “We think of boundaries as keeping us away from our spouses, as creating distance, as thinning and weakening our bond. But boundaries—healthy boundaries—can actually strengthen our connection and bolster our relationship with our partner.”

14 Secrets to a Great Relationship “Below I share 14 of the underlying behaviors of partners who not only stay together, but get closer and more committed to each other over time. Praise yourself if you already practice them in your relationship, but don’t disparage your own efforts even if some of these are missing.”

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