Reading Corner

Links related to the weekly posts.

 

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In this week’s blog we wrote about how you fix a needy relationship. These articles cover various aspects of that, including from the partner’s point of view.

How to Become Whole in a Relationship “A solid relationship is two whole (or at least, fairly whole) people coming together because they love each other’s company. They’re not coming together because they need someone to love them all the time, because they need someone’s company all the time, because they need to be shown that they’re loved. If one person is whole but the other person is needy, dependent, insecure … the whole person will do the best that he or she can to help the other, but over the long run will feel weary of all the neediness and insecurity, and will feel resentment.”

How to Overcome Neediness “As ill-defined as the experience of neediness seems to be, psychologists have made great strides in unpacking this complex state of mind. One line of research, which emerged from an attempt to better understand depression, sheds a good deal of light on what makes neediness so incredibly painful. Defining neediness, rather inelegantly, as “a generalized, undifferentiated dependence on others and feelings of helplessness and fears of desertion and abandonment, “ the investigators discovered that it has an important relationship to depression.”

How Neediness and Emotional Insecurity Destroy Relationships “Feeling insecure in a relationship is horrible for the one who is feeling the insecurity. The burden – of fear and obsessive thoughts, of feeling powerless, of awful awareness that all this insecurity may actually itself be destroying what you treasure most – can feel pretty unbearable. But it’s also tough for the person on the receiving end of all that insecurity. The truth is that being involved with a really insecure person can be hell.”

How To Stop Being Needy In 2 Easy Steps “Have you been told in the past or recently that you are needy? Have past relationships specifically ended because he said you were too needy? If so, keep on reading because I will try to give you some tips on how to stop being needy. I have actually been told I am needy in the past and can honestly say that I wasn’t aware of it until the guy I was dating at the time mentioned it. I didn’t want to be that person and so I quickly got to work on stopping this unattractive trait.”

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In this week’s blog we stated that no matter what you think, not all couples fight! It’s a radical view, but here are a few relationship experts who agree.

How Not to Fight “In my counseling practice, couples are often surprised to learn they can communicate and solve problems effectively without fighting; but sometimes you may find it’s not so easy to give up your struggles. You may have trouble letting go of the fighting habit because of two factors: social expectations (expectations the people around you have about marriage) and myths (common beliefs not based on fact.)There are many myths and expectations about fighting in marriage. Couples come into my office frequently believing that fighting is a necessary part of being a couple; that all married couples fight; and it’s a normal part of marriage. But the fact is that fighting accomplishes nothing, and it isn’t necessary for couples to argue, to yell, or to have heated discussions to get problems solved. Hanging on to these ideas makes it difficult to let go of fighting.”

The 7 Best Tips for Handling Anger and Resentment in Relationships “Empathy, it turns out, is the antidote to anger in relationships. As such, feelings of empathy also fuel natural anxiety reduction. Not only will you hopefully come to an understanding with your life partner, you will both feel calmer. Empathy, it turns out, is the antidote to anger in relationships. As such, feelings of empathy also fuel natural anxiety reduction. Not only will you hopefully come to an understanding with your life partner, you will both feel calmer. Making empathy a regular part of your relationship will have an impact not only on getting along better, but ultimately feeling more connected and less stressed, because it facilitates you getting out of your own head, and into your partner’s.”

We Can’t Talk Without Arguing: How to Stop Fighting All the Time “When people get defensive, anger grows even more intense. This makes it hard for you and your partner to work together. You want to join forces to solve a problem. Instead you’re fighting in a way that seems unavoidable and beyond anyone’s control.”

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In this week’s blog we wrote about choosing how you want your relationship to be. Here are a variety of articles that talk about this, often in the context of writing about the different kinds of relationships that people have.

Creating A Unique Relationship Template “I finally realized that becoming a viable partner would always elude me until I did the requisite emotional homework. I’d grown weary of short-term relationships and was eager to experience the real deal.”

Patterns of Relationships (The type in this article is very small; use Ctrl-Plus to enlarge it.) “Most of us have some kind of idea in our minds about how a “good” or “correct” relationship is supposed to be. We can cause ourselves needless distress by comparing our own relationships with such an idea of what a relationship “should be like” and then concluding that our own is defective by comparison. Psychologists may imply something of that sort when they formulate criteria for a “healthy relationship” which few real couples ever meet.”

Do You Create Your Own Relationship “Rules”? “…every relationship has its own personality, made up of two unique individuals, and the things that work for one may not work for another. Just like each person is able to give to the relationship in his own way. We can’t change them. And is that such a bad thing?”

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In this week’s blog we are discussing feeding and nourishing our relationships. Here are some articles we’ve selected for you on this topic.

10 Ways to Nourish Your Marriage “What’s the key to a successful relationship? Sometimes it’s the simple things that are taken for granted or we think are unimportant that hold the key to a healthy, loving and happy relationship. Here are ten tips on how to make your relationship last:”

Nourishing the Different Types of Intimacy in Your Relationship “When we talk about being intimate in a romantic relationship, we often equate it to sexual intimacy. But sex is just one form of intimacy. “Intimacy is a process whereby we feel truly seen, known by and connected to our partner,” said Jennifer Kogan, LICSW, a psychotherapist who provides individual and couples counseling in Washington, D.C. And this can manifest in many ways. Here are other types of intimacy and how you can nourish each one.”

The Magic of Nourishment “It is such a pleasure to be in this relationship, a relationship where the simple things in life – a greeting, a smile, an encouraging word, a hug – are common place. Having come from a relationship where the cold war was ongoing, where competition was the cornerstone, and words of encouragement were rare, I really appreciate the difference. I now love coming home and I look forward to being with my partner.”

 

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People often spend lots of time and energy in finding a relationship. They will take courses, join online services, and read up on ways to meet and find partners. Much effort goes into deciding if this is the right match; there is discussion with friends and counselors, and lots of attention devoted to deciding yes or no to a particular relationship.

However, it is unfortunately the case that very often once a couple embarks on the path of having a relationship, their efforts, as well as the outside information, support and input seem to cease. The couple thinks that they are alone with the building and succoring of their relationship once it has begun. It is often the case that a couple will only seek outside support or information when their relationship is having a bumpy time and they feel they need help.

Maude used the phrase “feed your relationship” at breakfast, and it immediately clicked for both of us. We realized that in our partnership and those of other successful couples we have interviewed and talked to, continuous nourishment of the relationship makes a huge difference to its actual success.

We participate in many activities and interactions that we feel are really important to feeding our relationship on an ongoing basis, and we think that you too can find a host of fun and nourishing actions to add strength and support to your union.

Feed your relationship and keep it strong; read our blog & find out how #relationships #quote Share on XThrough the work on our book, we have interviewed, met and befriended many couples who believe in and support peaceful relating. Finding other people who you can share with and exchange ideas and experiences with is a deep adventure in learning. It is often eye-opening how similar experiences can be; even if they take different forms, the patterns and underlying basis of the actions and interactions is frequently the same.

We read many books and articles in the area of peaceful relating. As we do a weekly blog called Successful Relationship Reading Corner, we are always researching others who write on the same topics in their own style, and this brings much practical advice and information our way. We also do an occasional Friday Feature blog on people and couples working in the area of peaceful relating, and we have had the good fortune to meet with many of these peace workers and share our personal experiences.

We buy a year’s worth of books of stories, poems and erotica every year at the annual Planned Parenthood book sale in our community. Phil reads aloud most nights from this haul. Right now he’s re-reading an anniversary gift, the anthology “Twenty Poems to Bless Your Marriage And One to Save It” by Roger Housden. Roger writes wonderful commentaries on the poems, pulling out the essence in a style that rivals the poems themselves. Speaking of marriage, he writes:

…a marriage proposal is formed from a knowing. You just know, with a knowing of the heart, and not of the rational mind, that this is the person you want to spend your life with. It’s not so much that you make a commitment as you recognize and affirm that a commitment is already there in the quality and nature of your being together. To bring forth that recognition in words brings it down to earth, out of the realm of possibility and into actuality. This is an ennobling moment, because it promises to bring the spirit of the divine to dwell among the physical, moral and social constraints of being human. It is an act of courage on both people’s parts.

It is a joy to find ourselves reflected in his words.

For all that everyone likes to think of themselves as making their own way in life, we are all strongly influenced by the standards and behavior we see all around us, and “feed your relationship” helped us see that we regularly surround ourselves with inspiration. We follow writers and therapists who espouse peaceful relationships. We hang out with upbeat people who celebrate life. We treasure and cultivate the joy that our relationship brings us.

All of this is reminiscent of those inspirational quotes found on Facebook or your dentist’s waiting room. Every one of those feeds your life. What you let into your life is what you become.

Each partnership has to find their own way to feed their relationship with this kind of energy. One thing is for sure: finding input that succors your union and trying new ways to live and express ways to be together will keep your relationship new, alive and vital. Don’t wait till you need a counselor to repair what is not working. Stay active and feed your relationship now!

You can hear Phil reading our blogs on iTunes and narrating audio books on audible.com.

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