Reading Corner

Links related to the weekly posts.

 

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This week, we wrote about how to replace blame with honesty in your relationships. Here are some of our previous posts on honesty.

How Honesty Leads to Trust in Your Relationships “A relationship that is grounded in the experience of peace is a powerful support for your growth and well-being. It is so far removed from the fears and blockages that interfere with your happiness and ability to actualize your potential that it seems almost magical. It feels both extraordinary and absolutely natural. It seems to require no effort to relate in that space, to feel the sense of the connection; to feel the other person and know where to meet them. There is a strong pull in that direction. Peace is very attractive, and peaceful connections are fulfilling and alluring.”

How Total Honesty Makes For Harmonious Relationships “Total honesty is a major part of a harmonious relationship. Holding back in the sense of not presenting yourself totally means that you are not quite yourself when you’re with the other person. That produces a force that makes you want to be away from the relationship and find 100% of yourself again, even if you don’t act on it. Everybody has that need, even if it is buried deeply. To be in a relationship with total honesty is to be free of needing to scratch that itch. That might sound scary and risky. Are you going to be criticized or thought less of? At first, that’s a distinct possibility; you have to reveal yourself progressively to see what happens. Not everybody wants or can handle honesty. You have to get to know their attitudes and level of acceptance.”

Why is Total Honesty Important in Your Relationship? “One aspect is clear. In order to practice total honesty in your relationship, you need to feel safe and secure. What are we referring to when we refer to total honesty? Let’s first clear up some of the things it is NOT. It is not spewing forth the total contents of your mind at your partner. It is not an accusation fest, where you settle blame for what you are feeling on your partner. It’s not sharing a long list of what your partner should do and can change to make you happy in the relationship. Total honesty arises from working on yourself. You have to know yourself in order to share that with your mate. It starts by recognizing that what you’re feeling is about you and should not to be projected on the other person. You must come to understand that resolving conflicts is not about changing the other person, but rather looking at what the resistance on your side is about. The more information you glean about yourself, and what you are feeling and why, the closer you will come to being able to communicate with total honesty.”

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This week, we wrote about a new way to look at differences in relationships. Here are some earlier posts of ours on differences.

How To Deal With Differences In Your Relationships “I am a firm believer that we can change the world by spreading peace one relationship at a time. The reason I am so sure that this works is because I have personal experience that it does. The kind of living peace that Phil and I enjoy has changed the way I relate to everyone else. Not only do I find myself acting differently in all my relationships, but there is a feedback loop that occurs where those who are treated more lovingly, more respectfully and more appropriately, change and start to do the same. ”

How to Create Peaceful Relationships by Balancing Your Differences “I suggested that we write about the sense of equality between us, but Maude said that she sees equality as a measuring word, a counting up of who has done what, so she doesn’t relate to it, and it’s not a word that she uses. It needs to be described in a different way, so let’s start with differences, which sound like the opposite of equality. Here, I’m looking at how we are different, not having differences; that’s a whole other conversation. We have different skills, strengths, capabilities, and interests; they can’t be tallied up like Olympic scoring. How do you value the ability to soothe a grazed knee against balancing a checkbook?”

How Can Relationship Differences Lead to Peace, not Anger or Resentment? “In our book, individuality and acceptance have different chapters, but as we came to put together a course, we found that the two are so intertwined that we needed to put them together into a single session. So today I’d like to explore how the two are connected. Coming to terms with the fact that your partner is different from you can be a challenge. It’s not just your partner but anyone. It’s fine when you agree, but when you don’t, how can anybody be so stupid? Obviously you have the right answer, know the correct route, stack the dishwasher properly, can see the couch is the wrong color, and know the best way to handle a tantrum in a supermarket. You’re right and everybody else is…less right.”

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This week, we wrote about how it is possible to practice acceptance in your relationships. Here are some articles on differences and how to navigate them and find a place of acceptance.

Rebuilding Emotional Safety: How to Accept Differences in a Relationship “In addition to using soft start-ups and practicing fair fighting, another effective tool to establish a healthy emotional environment and safety within a relationship is accepting your partner for who they are.  When stress is high or conflict is prominent, it can be easy to criticize your partner or point out their flaws.  However, for long-term relationship success, the practice of acceptance and accepting your partner for all that they are promotes understanding, respect, and relationship success.”

Accepting Other People’s Differences “Respecting both similarities and differences in others opens doors to many opportunities. You’ll learn new things and make better decisions, which in turn will help your career and improve your self-confidence. Others notice our openness, which can lead to new friendships,exciting travel opportunities, or simply makes us more interesting because of our broader worldview. In intimate relationships, differences are often a source of conflict, but they can just as easily be a blessing. Each partner’s unique perspective helps eliminate blind spots for the other one; their distinct skills can compliment weakness of the other. I lean on my wife for advice when I need to be diplomatic; she counts on me to navigate when we travel together.”

Exploring Similarities and Differences in Relationships! “Again, similarities are great, but the truth is we all naturally have differences as well. Having dislikes about random things your spouse does or differences in areas of life that are important to you but not to them does not necessarily mean a relationship is doomed.  What it boils down to is a willingness to work toward acceptance and appreciation of these differences. Am I able to truly accept this difference in value, spirituality, life goal, and way of operating, OR, does accepting this difference in my partner extinguish a piece of my soul and dim my own individuality in any way?”

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This week, we wrote about how to remove tension and find peace in your relationships. These writers offer a number of ways (Eleven! Seven!)  to do just that.

Signs that Stress May Be Affecting Your Relationship “The effects of stress on your relationship can be easily overlooked, allowing larger problems to arise. Knowing the warning signs can help keep you and your relationship healthy. Stress is an unavoidable part of life and can come from many sources. Work, finances, and family are all common areas for stress to arise. In times of emotional stress, we try to find ways to cope and move on. But coping with stress doesn’t mean eliminating it. Learning to effectively manage stress is important. Over time, stress can impact several aspects of your life and health, including your relationship.”

Love, factually: 11 tips to reduce relationship stress “You might know your love language, but do you know your ‘stress language’? Upward of 93% of human communication is nonverbal. Body language, facial expressions, auditory sounds and written communication methods can all convey stress without a word having been spoken. ‘If I come home after a long, stressful day of work and I am avoiding conversation and am not able to verbalize that stress, I am still communicating my stress in other ways,’ Randall said. The key is understanding how you communicate your stress and how your partner communicates their stress to facilitate effective communication despite any differences between these ‘stress languages’.”

7 ways to manage relationship stress “When you have a disagreement with someone, what do you do? Do you tend to ignore the problem or avoid the person? Do you confront them right away? Do you look for compromise? Everyone approaches conflict differently. When addressing conflict, it can be helpful to know your own style as well as your roommate or family member’s style. Knowing how you both address conflict can help you find common ground and navigate where your styles may clash.”

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This week, we wrote about how to embrace differences, not trip over them. Here are a few articles with thoughts on this topic.

How Can You Delight in the Differences in Your Relationships? “An important way to treat differences is to see their benefits. They bring diversity and broaden the possibilities available to you. They add to what you have, rather than taking away. They bring other ways to do things, see things, think about things. When you can relax and appreciate and enjoy those differences, you are expanding your view of what is possible and how to be in the world…”

Conflict in Relationships: Help Make Peace, Not War “As we grow into understanding ourselves—what triggers us and how we deal with our own difficulties—we make way for a more peaceful relationship. Think about this, there’s a fight, and instead of worrying about the next thing you are going to say to your partner, you think about how you got your feelings hurt.”

One Critical Rule to Having Peaceful Relationships “That brings us to the second element in this rule: the relationship agreement. Every relationship operates with some explicit and/or implicit agreements. In society, between people who live amongst each other, the relationship agreement consists of explicit laws and implicit cultural rules. In the workplace, the agreement consists of the codes of conduct and role expectations. In families or romantic relationships, sometimes there are explicit ground rules in addition to various implicit expectations. Understanding and adapting to how these rules and agreements, explicit or implicit, change across contexts is imperative for successful, healthy relationships. For peaceful relationships, in any context or dynamic, we must start with clarity about what is expected of each person to make sure everyone has agreed to and is willing to participate in the relationship under this agreement. We cannot expect others to read our minds or adhere to non-explicit or non-agreed-upon rules. If you believe some rules or expectations are implied, and the other individual(s) is not living up to those expectations, then perhaps you need to make the agreement more explicit. The clearer we are about what is expected of everyone, the better. And then, we all must agree to such expectations of our own will and volition. Once the rules are set and everyone has agreed, we cannot expect someone to behave above, beyond, or outside of that structure. We should not force, constrain, or judge others to be or do something other than what they have agreed to.”

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