Reading Corner

Links related to the weekly posts.

 

By Posted on Posted in Core Values, Reading, Relationship differences Tagged with

In this week’s blog we wrote about whether differences are a strength or a weakness in a relationship, and concluded that, except for major differences, they are a positive. This week’s links write about that, including one that is about the benefits of diversity in groups.

The Myth of Irreconcilable Differences “In a court of law, if both partners of a married couple claim they have irreconcilable differences, the court will grant them a legal divorce – without even asking what the differences are! Joyce and I, on the other hand, having worked with thousands of couples over the last 37 years, challenge that there is no such thing as irreconcilable differences. We have seen that ANY difference can be not only tolerated, but even appreciated. But that takes real understanding and a commitment to love.”

How the Differences in Your Relationship Can Be Gifts “It’s in our nature as humans to gravitate towards those who have interests similar to our own. And in many ways, this serves us well. On the other hand, it doesn’t leave much room for experiencing all that life has to offer. By opening ourselves up to another way of living and being, we can make more educated decisions about what we want our own lives to look like. These varied life experiences allow us to express ourselves more fully and be more authentically present in the world.”

How Diversity Makes Us Smarter is about differences in organizations, not between two people, but it offers an interesting different perspective on the same issue. “Decades of research by organizational scientists, psychologists, sociologists, economists and demographers show that socially diverse groups (that is, those with a diversity of race, ethnicity, gender and sexual orientation) are more innovative than homogeneous groups. It seems obvious that a group of people with diverse individual expertise would be better than a homogeneous group at solving complex, nonroutine problems. It is less obvious that social diversity should work in the same way—yet the science shows that it does. This is not only because people with different backgrounds bring new information. Simply interacting with individuals who are different forces group members to prepare better, to anticipate alternative viewpoints and to expect that reaching consensus will take effort.”

Tagged with:

By Posted on Posted in Reading Tagged with

In this week’s blog we wrote about growth and change in the new year. These articles offer resolutions for the new year and observations on personal growth.

New Year’s Resolution for Your Relationship: More Kissing “What’s a fast way to stay more connected with your partner in the new year? How about more kissing? Daily kissing. Not just a peck, but real contact. What does a kiss do? Well, it may just do more than you think and everything you need.”

New Year’s resolutions for your relationship “Lots of people make a New Year’s resolution, but how many have resolved to improve their relationship this January? While you might take the annual vow to lose weight, save money or stop biting your finger nails, it’s easy to forget the resolutions that could improve things not just for you, but your partner and children too.”

How To Use Your Relationship For Spiritual Growth “Intimate relationships present us with one of our best opportunities for growth. They often trigger our deepest, oldest wounds. They’re supposed to do this. Why? So we can heal. Ideally, the relationship becomes a safe container and a crucible for transformation for each of you individually, and for the relationship as a whole. In order to use it as such, you need one major thing: Radical honesty. Bring all your issues with you to your relationship. Share them.”

 

Tagged with:

By Posted on Posted in Reading Tagged with ,

In this week’s blog we wrote about the only way that works: the Golden Rule. These articles have some wonderful discussions on this topic.

The Golden Rule is a post from the author of “Ethics and the Golden Rule” “Let’s consider an example of how the rule is used. President Kennedy in 1963 appealed to the golden rule in an anti-segregation speech at the time of the first black enrollment at the University of Alabama. He asked whites to consider what it would be like to be treated as second-class citizens because of skin color. Whites were to imagine themselves being black — and being told that they couldn’t vote, or go to the best public schools, or eat at most public restaurants, or sit in the front of the bus. Would whites be content to be treated that way? He was sure that they wouldn’t — and yet this is how they treated others. He said the ‘heart of the question is … whether we are going to treat our fellow Americans as we want to be treated.'”
He also has a great chronology.

Living the Golden Rule/Applied Ethics “Applied ethics studies moral issues (like lying and stealing), or moral questions in specific areas (like business or medicine). People who study applied ethics, while searching for ideas to help live better lives, are often relativistic—arguing that values vary depending on the point of view of the observer. The golden rule answers both concerns. The golden rule is a useful tool for moral living that also counters the relativism (since it’s a globally accepted norm that can be defended rationally).”

Philosophical reflections on the golden rule “The Golden Rule serves the needs of educated and uneducated people alike, and stimulates philosophers to codify its meanings in new formulations. Given the equal, basic worth of each individual, the rule implies a requirement of consistency; as Samuel Clarke put it, “Whatever I judge reasonable or unreasonable for another to do for me; that, by the same judgment, I declare reasonable or unreasonable, that I in the like case should do for him.” In addition, the Rule carries implications for social, economic, and political matters. In one form or another, with interpretations that differ and overlap, the Rule is a precious word in the shared language of our world”

 

Tagged with: ,

By Posted on Posted in Core Values, Reading, Relationships, Successful Relating Tagged with

In this week’s blog we wrote about making lists and keeping score. These articles have some amusing anecdotes about this.

Do You Keep Score in Your Relationships? “You and your partner just argued for the umpteenth time about whose turn it is to walk the dog:
“I walked her twice yesterday,” you point out.
“And I walked her for three days last week,” your partner retorts.
“Well,” you counter, “I took the kids to the doctor on Tuesday.”
And so it goes. You and your partner seem to be endlessly keeping a tally on who did what for whom, when, and at what cost of time and effort.”

Kindness and Keeping Score “A few years ago, seated around a luncheon table at a business meeting, I tuned into a conversation among my table-mates. A woman whom I knew only barely was describing with unconcealed pride the electronic filing system she had created some years before to track Christmas cards. She described an elaborate program which maintained both a database of names and addresses, and a spreadsheet.”

Why ‘Keeping Score’ Ruins Relationships (And How To Stop NOW) “‘Some view relationships as a bank account. It is an interesting analogy, but it is inherently flawed as it is hard to quantify deposits and withdrawals,’ says…Laurel House. How do you value and therefore quantify the difference between deposits that are financial, emotional, or time and effort-oriented? ‘If this in in fact the measure that both partners in the relationship agree on, yet the weight of each type of deposit or withdrawal is not defined, it’s easy to feel like there is an imbalance as one person in inevitably always going to feel as though they are the one making the greater contribution,’ says House. Obviously, this causes resentment.”

Tagged with:

By Posted on Posted in Core Values, Reading, Relationships, Successful Relating Tagged with

 

In this week’s blog we continued our discussion of core values; here are some different articles on this topic. We think you’ll enjoy them.

What Core Values Mean to Love “Core values form the foundation on which we live and conduct ourselves. When we’re in alignment with our core values, we know the direction our life is heading and what’s important to us. We experience more peace, self confidence and well-being. Without core values, we find ourselves drifting from relationship to relationship or staying in unhealthy relationships and never really feeling fulfilled.”

Personal core values help focus and align your life choices “Choosing your personal core values is one of the critical focusing decisions that can make an amazing difference in how you live your life. As a person, they reflect the fundamental choices of who we want to be. In our network of connected decisions, they provide the goals and criteria that should influence all our other personal decisions. We derive a sense of fulfillment when living our personal values because our motivations and actions are aligned with the aspirations of who we want to be.”

What Are Your Values? Desires? Dealbreakers? “One of the things that people are most confused about and that I get asked a lot of questions about, is the issue of ‘common interests’ and letting superficial things inadvertently get mixed in with your ‘core’ values. Over the past few days I’ve been talking about value and values in relationships, and in this post, I put a clear division between the nice to have stuff that doesn’t actually cause your relationship to endure unless you have the ‘core’ values covered off.”

Tagged with: