Reading Corner

Links related to the weekly posts.

 

By Posted on Posted in Reading, Relationships, Successful Relating Tagged with ,

This week, we wrote about a different approach to differences in relationships. We’ve touched on this before in various posts of ours. Here are a few of them.

A New Way to Look at Differences in Relationships “With joy, right? With fascination at the very least. It’s an exciting thing to embrace otherness. If you move towards embracing this, you know, with all these elements of exploration and attraction and interest and curiosity, then you become expanded by it. That’s why it feels so peaceful. It pulls you into that place where you kind of settle in, like this is the right place to be, sitting in that place with a person. This is an entirely different way of relating. It’s an amazing thing because what you discover is the real connection between people.”

How to Embrace Differences, Not Trip Over Them “There are some important areas that lay the groundwork for these kinds of connections. This has to come from your own inner exploration by practicing peace inside yourself and learning how to deal with your own inner differences between what you value and how you feel. This is, of course, an ongoing process. The more you achieve peace in the face of your inner anxieties and stressful situations, the more attracted to it you will be. When you reach out for peaceful relationships, look for shared core values: those meanings and values upon which you base your life and your interactions. You need to know and become familiar with what your core values are if you are to use these to create and support peaceful relationships. Take some time and reflect upon what those are for you, and look for them to be present in those with whom you build your deepest relationships.”

How Can You Delight in the Differences in Your Relationships? “Coming to terms with the fact that people are different from you can be a challenge. It might be your partner; it might be anyone. It’s fine when you agree, but when you don’t, how can anybody be so stupid? Obviously your way is right: you know the correct route, can stack the dishwasher properly, know how to fix the homeless problem, and know the best way to handle a tantrum in a supermarket. You’re right and everybody else is…less right. But everyone acts in the world as they choose, and maybe there is more than one approach to doing something, and maybe you never saw it before, and maybe they just like doing it that way. It might seem that some differences are irreconcilable. That is seldom the case; there are ways to find common ground. Most issues arise from how these differences are handled. By looking closely at your own response rather than just reacting, you can evaluate how real and important these differences are to you. Do they touch on your core values, or are they a matter of habit or preference? Is there another way to satisfy the same thing without emphasizing the difference, and instead finding a place that works for both of you? Are you truly listening to the other and hearing what they express? And if so, is it a real difference or just a different way of expressing the same thing by another individual? If it is really different, can you incorporate it or change it and still stay true to your values?”

Tagged with: ,

By Posted on Posted in Reading, Relationships, Successful Relating Tagged with , ,

This week, we wrote that you should base your relationships on connection, not competition. Here are some of our previous posts on different aspects of this topic.

Why It’s Important to Relate to Community as Well as Individuals “I have been reflecting since the recent event how deeply important it is to feel this type of connection and to have an awareness of not being isolated from it. None of us is alone. We live intertwined with one another, sharing services and depending on each other in a million tiny ways for our lives to function. As we foster peace within our individual relationships, we need to nurture the sense of community and our relationship to it as well. We have different options since the restrictions of Covid times brought us Zoom and the ability to meet up with each other without distance being an issue. As that way of being together evolved, it has created a whole new forum for us to become aware of each other and to share and support each other. This is also true of some social media, depending on how those avenues for interaction are used. In these current times, it is ever more important to foster these relationships and to find a sense of backing and support within community, as we each strive toward individual peaceful relationships.”

We Depend On Each Other, So Let’s Love One Another! “I have been thinking a lot about how society is structured. Everybody cooperates (literally “works together” from the Latin opus: work) by doing different activities and sharing the results. This is not obvious because cooperation is so much a part of what we are and so ubiquitous that it fades into the background. Instead, we see life in terms of competition and rugged individualism. Yet it is very difficult to live completely alone and have to do everything, like smelting iron, yourself. I’ve also been seeing more and more research showing that friends are good for your health. Putting the two together says to me that it is in our nature to value our connections with each other and be grateful for them, and this is what makes a community cohere. (An interesting word: it means both stick together and agree.)”

How We Create Peace in Our Relationship by Intending To Do So “Another source of our belief is the fact that people live in communities because they need each other to survive, both physically and emotionally. Relationships, from business to personal, are how we get those needs fulfilled. This is a cerebral argument, but it’s a useful idea that at base, you and your partner need the same things. Believing in a peaceful relationship is a challenge because of the prevailing common view that conflict is inevitable and even healthy. This idea is so easily accepted because we live in a capitalist society that reveres competition and free markets. You might say that couples also fight over limited resources, but a relationship is more about emotional needs which are not limited in the same way; when differences in a relationship arise, they are better handled with a mindset of community than competition.”

Tagged with: , ,

By Posted on Posted in Reading, Relationships, Successful Relating Tagged with , , ,

This week, we wrote about the power of seeing and being seen in your relationships. Here are some of the articles we’ve written on different aspects of this fascinating topic.

3 Things That Every Person Wants in Their Relationships “Acknowledgment is when you communicate to the other person that you see them, like the famous words in the film Avatar. You let them know that you truly see them and that who they are brings you joy and adds to who you are.”

Why Relationships Last: Acceptance, Acknowledgment, Appreciation “It is an amazing feeling when someone truly sees you, hears you, and celebrates who you are; when the feedback you receive is acknowledging, accepting, and appreciative. There is a sense of warmth and relief that comes over you and a calm relaxation that engulfs you when you are offered this gift. This is the actual experience of peace that descends upon you when interactions are devoid of criticism, rejection, or attempts to change you. There is a similar experience of peacefulness within you when you can accept, acknowledge and appreciate the uniqueness, the otherness of someone you are relating to. When you approach them with this attitude, it changes you. When you experience actions or statements that are different from the way you usually act and can still recognize the commonality, it is transformative.”

Beware of Criticism; It Can Poison Your Relationship “What helps me tremendously is that Maude is never a critic. She may offer critiques, but never criticism. She is sometimes so complimentary that I find it hard to accept. One trick when receiving a compliment in which you don’t recognize yourself is to simply say “Thank you.” The person is offering you a gift (assuming it’s sincere), so don’t insult them by refusing it. Accepting honest praise may feel so unnatural at first, but stick with it. Especially in our earlier years together, I scarcely recognized myself in Maude’s descriptions of me, but I was bold enough to accept those better visions of myself and change my self-perception. (This is the kind of reframing which Maude wrote about last week.)”

Tagged with: , , ,

By Posted on Posted in Reading, Relationships, Successful Relating Tagged with ,

This week, we wrote about the balance between self-reflection and connection in relationships. Here are some earlier posts on communication and connection.

How to Remove Tension and Find Peace in Your Relationships “We had a couple of heart-to-heart conversations this week; one about desires on my part, and one about the desires of Maude. I don’t want to describe them because they both involved other people, and the point of mentioning them is that they weren’t fraught. I had an expectation of push-back because that’s how negotiations usually work in life, but there was none. This is how it happens with us all the time, and it is a very magical process because there is no sense of compromise. It works because we each bring our full self to present to the other person. That requires self-reflection because I can seldom say why I want something without paying attention to what need is driving it, and there are usually deeper desires behind that, too.”

Why it is Important to be Honest and Share Your Truth in Relationships “To speak your truth takes self-reflection and requires knowing what your feelings, wants and even needs are, examining where any confusion lies, and then looking at how that applies to your relationships. No matter how open and connected those relationships are, if you aren’t aware of your own inner truth, the other person will have little chance of knowing what that is or how you feel. Fear of rejection, disapproval, or conflict often stops people from sharing honestly with loved ones. For this fear to be quieted, you have to feel safe in your relationships. Sharing the same core values and having relationships based on acceptance of your unique individuality promotes this sense of safety. Even when these critical factors are present, the method of presentation is pivotal in creating a loving uncharged exchange.”

Why It’s Important to Know Your Truth and Share it in Your Relationships “Yet, what is speaking one’s truth and how can you do it? This art must be developed through inner work and conscious behavior. To speak your truth you must first know what it is – that it comes from you, not from anyone else, and it represents your feelings and thoughts. It is not absolute, and can change as you look at a situation and your feelings and adjust accordingly. It takes self-reflection and a desire to know yourself so you can share openly. Finding that place resonates deeply and leaves you with a good feeling about yourself. Maude was recently feeling some tension between herself and a dear friend. Her first thoughts were all about her friend’s behavior, leaving her feeling critical and upset. Not wanting to maintain this feeling about her friend, she started searching within and looking at what she was feeling and why it caused such distress and a feeling of distance from her friend. After some inner reflection, she realized that what she wanted was really something quite simple that she hadn’t communicated at all, and yet she was feeling resentful that she wasn’t getting it from her friend. Once she knew her truth, she was able to communicate that very peacefully, with calm and a complete lack of tension. This led to a lovely interaction and a plan which was even better than what she had been looking for.”

Tagged with: ,

By Posted on Posted in Reading, Relationships, Successful Relating Tagged with

This week, our topic is respect, one of the factors of peace in relationships. Here are some other posts we’ve written on this very important subject.

Why Respect is Important for Creating Peaceful Relationships “When we relate to another, we have to do so with a profound respect for their sacrosanct nature. This understanding brings about an unexpected result. It means that we accept and honor the boundaries between ourselves and those of others. And strangely, by the very fact that we do that, the boundaries slowly disappear, along with any sense of separation and distance. By treating the other person with honor and an awareness of their unique person, we establish a deep sense of calm, trust and safety in the relationship. Each of us is unique. Inherent in that statement is the truth that we are by our very nature always different. We experience the paradox of being both different and the same. We all share so much within our humanity, and yet we each bring different pieces of the puzzle to the party. When we approach others with this understanding, it does much to foster the kind of connection that those who value peace desire.”

Why Respect is Important for a Happy, Loving Relationship “Respect is almost an old fashioned word. We don’t speak of it often. And yet, it is one of the cornerstones of happy loving relationships. It is what we offer when we accept another’s individuality. Not just accepting, but honoring their uniqueness. We show respect by the way we treat each other: by our tone of voice, our willingness to listen, to accept the inevitable differences of personality and behavior. We show it by our love and our kindness; by the empathy we feel and the warmth, safety and comfort we give. Respect starts with empathy – from being able to put ourselves in another’s shoes. The more we can identify with them, the more this can happen.”

Why Respect is the Small Word With Big Importance in Relationships ” A less frequently talked about, but equally important aspect of peaceful harmonious relationships, is respect. Respect need not be based on accomplishments or be earned. It is something we offer arising from an awareness of our kindred nature. We offer respect for each other’s uniqueness, individuality, and commonality. It is easiest to practice respect within our deepest and most intimate relationships. This is the arena in which we learn how to do this; where we can feel assured of sharing the same values, and of feeling loved and safe, making respect easier to offer. As we learn to be respectful, and to come from that premise, we will slowly be able to spread this aspect of peaceful relating to those with whom we do not share meaning and value. Even when this is the case, we share all the most basic characteristics, even with those who have not yet learned to act in a respectful manner.”

Tagged with: