Reading Corner

This week, we shared an excerpt from our book on how to find peaceful solutions without giving anything up. Here are some other posts we’ve written on alternatives to compromise.

Compromise is Not the Way to Success in Relationships “The underlying principle of compromise is that you give something up in order to get something else. It is based on the belief that because each person in a relationship is different, that the partners will have to deny their wishes in order to make their partner happy and keep peace in the relationship.
This could not be further from the truth. Difference can be experienced as enrichment, as something that gets added, rather than something which presents problems that call for sacrifice. We have found another path, one which continually surprises us with its wonderful results.”

How to Reach Agreement Without Compromise “There are many methods for solving problems and making decisions that couples employ. One of the more popular ones is compromise. This can be a good technique for avoiding conflict for many relationships. Instead of digging your heels in and refusing to yield an inch, it works by trading off. Each party gives up certain positions in exchange for achieving other goals, with each side ideally giving up roughly the same amount. This balance may apply to an individual situation or, as is more often the case, average out over a longer period.”

This week, we wrote that there’s only one side in peaceful relationships—the same side. Here are some articles we’ve written on the topic of compromise in relationships.

How To Avoid Compromise in Your Relationship “‘Oh, what I do to keep peace in my relationship!’ This was the frequent refrain of a dear friend, and when asked further what he meant by that, he explained ‘Well it seems I’m always giving something up to keep my partner happy. Often, when we disagree on how or when or where to go or what changes to make, I seem to give up my point of view, or most of what I want, to keep her happy. To be fair, she does the same. It just seems to be a constant tug of war, with one of us the winner and one of us the loser.’ This experience of compromise is one that many people seem to have; they feel they must give up something to get something else.”

Is There a Better Way Than Compromise? “Compromise. Give a little, get a little. It’s the lubricant of relationships, the WD-40 that gets you unstuck. But let’s look at the price ticket. Someone lost out. There’s a feeling of deprivation, of being shorted. If the relationship is equitable, there’s an expectation that a favor is due on some future occasion. ‘You owe me one!’ And these favors have to be priced. Is fixing the car worth more than doing the tax returns? This is the difficulty with compromise; that you are always giving something up in order to get something else. Over time, this can build up and create a sense that you are not really ever getting what you want, leading to resentments, estrangement and a decrease in willingness to compromise.”

Why a Positive Attitude is Important to Reach a Successful Compromise “All too often, people practice ‘giving in’ to keep the peace. There are two aspects of this attitude that are important to realize. The first is that there is no true element of giving when ‘giving in’. I am reminded of a quote I often think of in viewing this kind of behavior, “There is no sacrifice in service.” The second aspect is that “giving in to keep the peace” does not create peace. In fact, it results, quite often, in the opposite. When one person in a relationship feels like they have to repeatedly give in and give up their wants or needs, it very often creates a sense of hardship. That person is left holding onto a feeling of loss. “I gave up on what I wanted to avoid arguments.” This can build up over time to a deep feeling of resentment and often results in an explosive and out of proportion response to a later situation.”