Reading Corner

Links related to the weekly posts.

 

By Posted on Posted in Reading, Relationships, Successful Relating Tagged with ,

This week, we wrote about the we that exists with the separate self. Here are some previous posts that further develop some of the ideas presented.

Why Being Positive is so Powerful in Relationships and in the World “This struck us both and reminded us how critical it is to hear each other’s voices proclaiming the importance of spreading peace and the reality of peace; of how much we all need this and how this is the way to strengthen and promote this very reality. Shout it out. Sing it as loud as you can, wherever you are, in whatever way you can. I sense that a massive effort of the majority is called for to act and live and breathe out the reality that love is the strongest force and that we are not divided, but rather that we are related in a familial way. We can and must act, each in our sphere and in our own unique way, to contribute to this loud, certain declaration of light as supreme, of hope, and the way of kindness.”

The Balance Between Self-Reflection and Connection in Relationships “Phil and I often write about how important it is to your relationships to get to know yourself and the truths that reflect who you are right now. We have emphasized the need for self-reflection so that you can make appropriate choices that represent your values, rather than just reacting from conditioning or outdated behavior. We support taking time to listen inside, and to become attuned to which of the thoughts and feelings that pass through you are the ones you want to express and act upon. Seeking self-knowledge and becoming overly self-involved are not the same thing. The first creates an opportunity for increased conscious connection, and the second reduces it considerably. Many who embark on the path of self-realization lose themselves in the seeking and in the self. Balance is that important ingredient. Anything done to the extreme becomes an impediment rather than an element of growth.”

What We Have Learned About Peace And Harmony Through Our Relationship “Which leads to the second aspect of our relationship: that I feel seen, accepted and not controlled. Controlled may be too strong a word. I am talking about all those expectations of how a partner should behave: words of love, how the kitchen is kept, how time is spent. With full acceptance, expectations do not exist. No, it is more that her expectations are deeper than that; they go to our wedding vows of openness, truth and positivity, and because those commitments were given by me, not taken from me, they are not a burden. They are how I want to live. The result is that no part of me is nibbled away; I have no sense of losing myself, because I can be completely myself in this relationship. This, if you haven’t picked up on it already, gives our relationship an extraordinary radical quality of peace. I continue to learn who I am, how to be myself, how to disentangle from a lifetime of injunctions and expectations. For this I am profoundly grateful. Thank you, Maude. Thank you, thank you, thank you.”

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This week, we wrote about why constancy of connection is important in your relationships. These previous articles discuss aspects of that topic.

How To Deal With The Bumps You Encounter In Your Relationships “If you desire true peace within yourself and in your relationships, you too can find such a path. Peaceful relationships cultivate openness and trust. A constancy develops from knowing where the values lie within you and between you. The sense of safety derives from the repeated experience that the two of you are always on the same side. You approach each other from this trust, not as adversaries. This sense of trust allows a different behavior when moments of apparent clashing occur. You are interested in how the other person feels without any thought of who is right or wrong. You also feel safe and able to communicate what you are feeling. These sharings are devoid of blame and accusation. When you share about your feelings, it is clear you are talking about just that, how you feel. When you are listening, it is clear that you are hearing what the other person feels. It’s not at that point about you.”

Why Trust is so Important in All Your Relationships “We may all have a different list of what elicits trust in the other person. There are different aspects we translate into trustworthiness. Yet, whatever these are, we all recognize this feeling, when it is there and when it is not. Constancy is a big part of it. Are they always the same person, or does a completely different personality appear at times? For us, an important factor was experiencing that each of us remained the same person every time we encountered each other. That may sound strange to point out, but we had both had the previous experience of being in a relationship where we never knew who we might be interacting with when coming together. The moods, and it seemed the person, were ever changing. This caused a state of insecurity and unease. In our relationship, there is a constancy of personality expression that brings with it a feeling of peace and calm.”

How You Can Choose to Have a Better Relationship Now “Do you want to have relationships full of joy and peace, lacking in fights and arguments? If you do, really do, then it is possible for you to have that experience. Every relationship you have can be permeated by love and peace. If you want this it takes a choice; a choice to let go of seeing things in terms of separate sides, of winning and losing, of holding on to being right. True, making this choice is not magic, and there is a process to getting there. The more you practice this step by step in your relationships, the more natural it will be and the less effort required. How do we know this? The constancy of our relationship. The pervasiveness of knowing we’re on the same side. It’s like walking through life and having a path constantly appear before us; in other words, no obstacles ever arise. It feels completely automatic; a form of grace that has been given to us, yet at the same time, we know that it is something we’re doing. We don’t even notice doing it, except maybe occasionally when we have the choice between being kind and being snippy.”

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This week, we wrote about why an inner sense of safety is vital to peaceful relationships. Here are some previous posts that speak to different aspects of this question.

Why Respect is Important for Creating Peaceful Relationships “There is a much more vital aspect to feeling and behaving with respect in our intimate and deepest relations, and in developing this behavior in a way that we can spread out into the larger community. It is one that is much needed now to deal with the times we find ourselves in. It is also a basic component of all peaceful connections. When we relate to another, we have to do so with a profound respect for their sacrosanct nature. This understanding brings about an unexpected result. It means that we accept and honor the boundaries between ourselves and those of others. And strangely, by the very fact that we do that, the boundaries slowly disappear, along with any sense of separation and distance. By treating the other person with honor and an awareness of their unique person, we establish a deep sense of calm, trust and safety in the relationship.”

How It’s Possible to Practice Acceptance in Your Relationships “The coming together and finding a rhythm of living with each other was smooth and easy. There was a deep understanding between us that brought out a gentle openness to each other. We listened and heard what each of our individual needs were and merged into a flow of acceptance. Many of you associate acceptance with giving in and/or giving up. This is not what we refer to. It was clear that we all wanted nothing but the best for each other. No one was holding on to having any given situation be a certain way, while at the same time, there were specific needs and desires that one or the other of us had, that needed to be honored. This acceptance was total from the beginning, but it also grew in its expression as the days went by. It was gratifying to live through the path of total acceptance with others, as it is an important part of creating peaceful relationships. Having this experience that Phil and I live with, in the context of four people doing it together, was delicious and confirming. This way of being, like many others, gets easier and smoother with practice. It brings with it an intense sense of relaxation and ease. The more you are unquestioningly accepted for who and how you are, the more freedom you have to be yourself. This exhibits itself most distinctly with those with whom you share living space, but it applies to all relationships, particularly the deep and intimate ones. It is best when a feeling of safety as well as ease is created through the way you relate.”

How Honesty Leads to Trust in Your Relationships “Close relationships are the forum where we can change this and show ourselves completely. How does that transition occur? It starts with taking a small risk by being honest and expressing something that might be ridiculed or laughed at, used to shame you, or used against you. When your listener does not take advantage of this, but instead hears and sees you, it increases your trust in how open you can be with them, and you can progressively share more of yourself. Trust is measured in actions more than words, and your intuition knows better than your head. Be sure to check that this is a true intuition rather than your inner fears from past experiences. At some point, you can make the leap to total trust and total openness. This is a place where you can find yourself, you can dig down through the cultural assumptions. It is a place of great peace and calm. You can relax because this is a relationship of cooperation, not competition. You are both on the same side. You are in tune with the deep sense that we need each other to survive and thrive.”

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This week, we said that the secret to peaceful relationships is cooperative interaction. Here are some of our previous posts that illuminate various aspects of this form of connecting.

How To Avoid Relationship Conflicts With One Little Word “If you stop, what are you stopping? You are stepping away from being reactive in the situation. When you stop, the very first thing you will often find is that you can breathe. In these situations, people often start holding their breath without realizing it. Stopping pulls you into the present and gives you a moment to step back from being drawn into conflict, if that’s where your mind or the other person’s behavior is going. Most people have a variety of responses at the same time to any given situation, especially those that are challenging. Stopping enables you to make a choice of which of your responses represents the value which you want to give your energy to. It is not always possible to do this in the moment, but when you stop before reacting or responding, you get that moment to see what is going on, to breathe, and to bring your thoughts and feelings into the present. When you react with anger, fear, or hatred, you are coming from your deep-seated and strong survival instincts. They are very strong because they are defensive postures ingrained in us and resident in the earliest part of our primitive brain. When you stop, you gain time in the present to choose a different place to interact from. You can move into thoughts and feelings of a higher and more developed part of you.”

How Being Defended Stops You From Being Close in Your Relationships “What happens when you raise defenses between you and your partner, friends or relations? When you act to defend yourself, you erect a barrier to being close. And yet, there may be situations where you feel unwarranted criticism, blame, or a disrespectful tone being directed at you. What are productive ways of responding? A feeling that it is necessary to defend yourself within a relationship, often accompanied by a withdrawing from that person, even just a little bit, is important to address. It provides an area for lots of personal growth, as well as an area where more intimacy rather than more distance can be created. (I am not referring here to clearly abusive situations, which always warrant an immediate response.) I have a dear friend who, when responding to me, often exhibits a behavior which I find irritating and quite off putting. I have been reflecting about this recently. At first, I was going to approach her and talk about her behavior and its effect on me. Then I thought of my own reaction. What was that about? Why did I care and what could I do with my own feelings without demanding some change or alteration in her behavior?”

In a Relationship, Sometimes Just Being There is Everything “I had gotten myself to the point where I could take action and had set up the method of doing that. I still felt almost paralyzed by my anxiety. This was quite unusual for me, as I normally would just bite the bullet and go for it. There was so much swirling around inside me that I went into Phil’s office where he was working and shared what I was about to do. He turned to me with his full attention and listened quietly to me. Then he got up and hugged me, and said, “I’ll just come and sit next to you while you do it.” He didn’t offer to do it. He didn’t try to fix me or change what I was feeling. There was no judgment. He just offered me his presence, his calm, and the unspoken reassurance that I could do this, and I wasn’t alone with my feelings. This changed the entire situation. I felt listened to and heard, even though I was unaware of having communicated anything specific. I felt strangely calmed, although no words to my issue were spoken. He was present and paying attention enough to hear a need that I wasn’t even aware of, and to give it to me. In peaceful relationships, listening and being present become a way of being that is part of the fabric of those connections. The loving, kind response is the go-to choice. Sometimes just being there is everything.”

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This week, we wrote about how communicating from your true self deepens your relationships. Here are some of our other posts on different aspects of this topic.

Why Knowing Your Values is so Important for all Your Relationships “I’ve been thinking a lot about my deep relationships with friends, family, and my partner, Phil. What makes those relationships so full of support for my own personal growth, comfort, wisdom, laughter, and relaxation? What brings me the most peace from those interactions? One of the most important elements is the sharing of values, core values. Those are the values from which I make my life choices and guide my path forward. This ability to verbalize what your values are creates new opportunities in your relationships. As you look at and come to know what is of most meaning to you, it opens up a wonderful possibility for communication. Approaching this kind of exchange with a loved one can be rich and enable all kinds of new channels of understanding. It can be sweet and tender when approached as a chance for more open connections. So much of what is exchanged between people is about the day-to-day events and travails of one’s life. That is important and has its place, but sharing about what your values are and what another person means to you from that perspective can transcend the concerns of everyday life and elevate your connection immensely. I have recently had this experience with one of my children, which gave both of us great joy. I try to communicate a bit of this to each and every one of my dear ones.”

Why Is Your Truth So Important In Relationships? “For me, truth is a living, moving, growing experience, and it applies to what is going on inside me. Truth is not fact. Truth is dynamic, personal, and meaningful. My truth speaks of my personal values. When something occurs that is of meaning within a relationship with a friend, relative, or partner, it is important to me to stop and go inside to reflect on what I am feeling or thinking. The pause between my reaction and my response is a rich period for me to explore what my truth is in the given situation. I have a series of questions I put to myself, including what is going on here? What do I feel, and why is it meaningful to me? What do I want to convey to the person I’m relating to? Is there something of value for the person I am addressing that I can communicate?”

Why Peaceful Relationships Start With This One Radical Choice “This is a way of being in peace that you have found within yourself, and from that place, you are able to recognize the same place in the other person. Once you have found it within yourself, bring it into how you are in that relationship. When you do this consistently, it allows it to come forth in the other person as well. This kind of being together doesn’t work when one person is self-absorbed or withdrawn within themselves. Open communication is a prerequisite. You have to be able to bring a certain level of interest in another being: one that involves inner work and a developed consciousness that creates in you a fearless state of being present. You are able to be quietly there with your whole self, offering that presence to the other person. For those who choose to walk this path of peace, this core value will reside in both of you, even if it is not fully developed yet. The dance of learning how to live that within your relationship is a beautiful one; full of surprises, calm, gentleness, openness, and trust. It is freeing and precious.”

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