Reading Corner

Links related to the weekly posts.

 

By Posted on Posted in Reading, Relationship differences, Relationships, Successful Relating No Comments Tagged with ,

This week, we wrote about why it’s important to be open and share yourself in your relationships. Here are some articles that use different terms – vulnerability, opening up, self-disclosure – to discuss this issue.

Why Vulnerability in Relationships Is So Important “No matter what type of relationship we’re talking about—be it friendship, familial, or romantic—vulnerability is key to fostering a closer, deeper, and more authentic bond with another person. It keeps us honest with each other and ourselves, breaks down walls, eliminates the potential for miscommunication and misunderstandings, and allows us to be wholly ourselves.”

Opening Up Emotionally: Why Do I Struggle & How Can I Overcome My Fears? “Opening up is very difficult for many people. Letting your guard down, allowing yourself to become vulnerable for even a second can seem like too much to handle. Why deal with the potential consequences of a negative emotional aftermath and pain? It seems a lot easier to simply remain distant and detached for some.”

What Is Self Disclosure in Relationships – Benefits, Risk & Effects “Self-disclosure in relationships may make some people feel uncomfortable out of fear of sharing too much personal information. While this may be a valid concern, there are also benefits of self-disclosure, especially when it is done correctly. Learning what self-disclosure is and how it helps relationships is important.”

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This week, we wrote about how to work out solutions for differing needs in your relationship. Here are some other authors who have a variety of things to say on this subject.

What To Do If You and Your Partner Want Different Things “Even in the strongest relationships, getting on the same page about big questions can feel impossible at times. For instance, it’s common for partners to have different wishes, beliefs, or ideas about where to live, whether (and how!) to get married, how to balance work and personal commitments, whether to have children or not and how many, how to navigate other relationships with friends and family, and how to manage finances.”

How to Improve Your Relationships With Effective Communication Skills “Healthy communication is crucial for sustaining long-term relationships. One study found that effective communication increased relationship satisfaction for couples. Healthy communication can increase intimacy in relationships as well. The way you and your partner communicate with each other often determines how you resolve conflicts. If you use healthy methods of communicating, you are likely to find common ground even during a disagreement.”

How to Identify & Express Needs to Revive Connection in Your Relationship “We know that effective communication in relationships is essential for satisfaction and long-term connection, but you may feel like something is missing in your relationship. Communication in relationships is key, but to communicate effectively, you need to know what you need. By identifying, expressing and meeting each other’s relationship needs you foster friendship and intimacy.”

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This week, we wrote about how individuality and a sense of “we” can coexist in a relationship. Here are some interesting articles on different philosophies and therapy models on this topic.

The Meaning of “We-ness” “This formula of “we-ness” represents “two people who are balanced and individually strong”…but have in the process have created something else- the two has become three. and this third reality is the relationship between the two of them that they now share and nurture.”

What Is We-Ness Versus Enmeshment? “I first heard the term “we-ness” in graduate school. That was a while ago but well after Aristotle wrote things down. In talking with other research psychologists about relationships, the term would come up from time to time, denoting a relationship where two people had formed a depth of connection that supported a sense of shared identity. When I turned my focus to the study of commitment in 1983, I found supporting ideas consistently arising in that literature. Harold Kelley and John Thibaut described how two partners who were growing in interdependence would move from having only individual goals to developing a view of the future based on joint outcomes. [i] They called this “transformation of motivation.” Although they almost never used the word “commitment,” what they were describing was the psychological formation of it. Similarly, George Levinger noted that ‘‘as interpersonal involvement deepens, one’s partner’s satisfactions and dissatisfactions become more and more identified with one’s own.”[ii] Social exchange theorists such as Cook and Emerson discussed how the “transformation” from me to we changed a relationship from an exchange market where two individuals were competitors to a non-competitive relationship that could maximize joint outcomes.[iii] One is no longer seeking (only) individual gains from the other, but something for us as a team.”

Creating We-ness “What does me-ness look like? What does we-ness look like? What are the tools with which to move from me-ness to we-ness? In me-ness there is a sharp line separating me and you. I might say in response to a situation “What’s in it for me?” I might also decide to cooperate or be helpful. In any event what’s good for me has no relationship to what’s good for you. We are living two parallel lives. In enmeshment on the other hand there are no boundaries. I have no sense of self. I might take care of others needs at the expense of my own or I might think that what they want and need must be the same as what I want and need. We-ness is different from both me-ness and enmeshment. In we-ness the people involved feel themselves to be individuals with boundaries and they act accordingly, with behaviors that promote things like privacy and uniqueness of taste and style. However, my assumption, if I have a we-ness mentality, is that what’s good or bad for me has an impact for good or for bad on what’s good or bad for the other and vice versa.”

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This week, we said that it’s important to look at your feelings and find words for them. Here a re some articles that offer suggestions on how to articulate your feelings.

Putting Feelings Into Words: 3 Ways to Explain What You Feel “Have you ever had trouble finding the words for what you’re feeling or thinking? Most of us have encountered this difficulty at some time or another. It often happens just when we most need to be able to explain ourselves – when we’re feeling something particularly strongly or in a crisis or just want to communicate a strong feeling. If this happens to you more than it seems to happen to other people you know, you may suffer from a problem called ‘alexithymia.'”

Why It Helps to Put Your Feelings Into Words “Putting feelings into words can have attenuating effects on the actual experience of emotions. For example, when participants in one study were asked to label their emotional states as they looked at negative emotionally evocative images (e.g., snake, hospital scene), they reported feeling less distress than if they merely observed the images passively.”

How to Communicate Your Feelings “Being understood and accepted are universal human needs. So, when you share your inner experiences and feelings, you’re more likely to connect in deep and meaningful ways. You’re also more likely to get your needs met, leading to happier and healthier relationships. Sharing your feelings can be a daunting proposition. When you share your feelings you allow yourself to be vulnerable. This vulnerability can be scary; it leaves your open to the possibility of being hurt, but it can also lead to the deepest connections.”

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This week, we wrote about why it is important to learn what your core values are. Here are some other writers with lists of values and how to use them.

Understanding Our Core Values: An Exercise for Individuals and Teams “In Dare to Lead, Brené [Brown] presents a list of values. The list includes a diverse set of over 100 values, values like accountability, achievement, balance, competence, excellence, family, giving back, joy, legacy, order, patience, recognition, resourcefulness, travel, wealth, and wisdom. You can also add your own values. The exercise is to narrow this large list of values down to your two core values.”

How to Uncover Your Core Values “Whether you know explicitly or not, you all have a set of core values that determine almost everything in your life. You are at your best when your actions correspond to your values and your beliefs. But how can you rely on a value that you cannot name? How can you infuse your life with core values that you cannot understand.”

Core Values: Which Ones, How Many and What to Do With Them Once You Have Them “Core values are the heart of who you are and what you believe in; how you need to operate in the world to be true to yourself. Choosing your core values is a process, so give yourself time and space to find the ones that fit just right. These are going to be the grounding points of your business and your life. They will serve as your compass for how you want to show up as a business owner, leader, client and partner; in conflict, in change, in celebration. When you know who you are and what you stand for, you can rely on that day in and day out. You have a ballast, a guiding foundation for what to do in any situation.”