Reading Corner

Links related to the weekly posts.

 

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Our blog  discussed the need to accept each other and look for values without projections. We found some really interesting articles looking at your internal sense of self and how you often project that onto others.

The Tension Between Inner and Outer Self “The tension between the inner self and outer self is common in the modern world. Each of us is tugged in multiple directions every day and our actions and behaviors do not always align with our core values as a result. However, becoming aware of your inner self and how it balances with your outer self is the foundation for good mental, physical, and spiritual health. This is why it is an important aspect to consider when working on a good balance in your life.”

Projecting an “Idealized Other” “For better or for worse, most of us carry some kind of “romantic ideal partner” in our heads. This is the basic shape of the partner we wish to have, a perfect fit for all our needs and wants, the mold into which we then try to fit any human partners we acquire. Sometimes we do a reasonable job of adjusting our expectations down from that idealized, “perfect version” to fit the actual human we wake up to in the mornings, but sometimes we can’t let go of the ideals enough to fit ourselves in with this other imperfect human being.”

You have to stop projecting in your relationships “Do you see your partner as they are? Or do you build them up to be someone that they aren’t? Many of us fall victim to projection, a toxic habit which isolates us and drives our partners away. Rather than seeing the other person as they are, we insist on seeing them as we want them to be. This leads to endless disappointments and a number of frustrations that can be corrosive to our sense of self and self-esteem. Strong relationships aren’t those in which we change ourselves to fit the dreams of other people. They are those in which both partners are able to see one another as they really are, without judgement and without expectation of change.”

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This week we wrote about how you can best be supportive and help other people. These articles discuss this topic from various points of view.

How to Be Emotionally Supportive “It’s not enough to simply ask questions. Listening actively, or empathically, is another important part of providing emotional support. When you really listen to someone, you give them your full attention. Show interest in their words by: displaying open body language, like turning your body toward them, relaxing your face, or keeping your arms and legs uncrossed, avoiding distractions, like playing with your phone or thinking about other things you need to do, nodding along with their words or making noises of agreement instead of interrupting asking for clarification when you don’t understand something summarizing what they’ve said to show you have a good grasp of the situation. Using good listening skills shows others you care about what they’re going through. For someone who’s struggling, knowing that someone else has heard their pain can make a big difference.”

Formula for Providing Emotional Support “As someone who researches and teaches what makes emotional support effective, hands down the number one question people ask me is, “What do I say?” There are so many moments, large and small, when someone we love is in pain or upset and our natural desire is to help. Yet, for many of us, when someone comes to us, we pause, wondering how to best respond. Or, we go to what we know best—we offer advice. Unfortunately, advice as a go-to strategy for when a loved one is upset usually backfires. Research shows that while most people offer advice, men and women both overwhelmingly want emotional support. And although there isn’t one “right” message you can employ when someone is upset, there are behaviors you can use that will make your attempts much more successful.”

The Importance of Supporting Each Other in a Relationship “Being supportive does not mean doing anything for your partner that makes us uncomfortable. It doesn’t also necessarily mean that we need to try and solve other people’s issues. Part of being supportive is to be really present and a good listener, to not constantly stand in judgment and actually have a sincere and caring disposition. To really hear and understand what the other person is communicating and not allowing our own stuff to get in the way. When someone truly loves and supports you, they will challenge you, stand beside you when you need them and give you space to be yourself and grow as a person.”

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This week, we wrote about how to honor both closeness and space in your relationship. We feel that our view offers new insight into the nature of connection within relationships. These articles deal with the issue of connection from different perspectives.

3 Steps to Reconnect When You Feel Disconnected From Your Partner “In relationships people offer what Dr. John Gottman calls a “bid” for each other’s attention, affection, or support. This can be as insignificant as “please cut the carrots” to something as significant as helping a partner deal with the struggles of an aging parent. In these moments, we have a choice to turn towards our partner or away from them. If we turn towards our partner, we build trust, emotional connection, and a passionate sex life.”

Emotional Connection “Many of you have probably heard complaints from your partner about “not feeling connected.” If you have not spent some time considering your own emotional needs, you may have no idea of what s/he is talking about. Here I will address three basic questions: What does it mean to feel connected? How do two people get disconnected? What can be done to minimize the problem of disconnection?”

10 Ways to Connect with Your Partner “There are many reasons that partners become distant over time. The thrill of infatuation inevitably gives way to the regularity of daily routine. That is normal. The combination of work, family obligations, children, finances, and friends all conspire to drain a relationship’s vitality. So are all long-term relationships doomed? Do we submit and suffer in silence? The question is, with the demands of life, how do you keep relationships moving in tandem? In what ways can you connect with your partner?”

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In this week’s blog, we talked about putting peace at the heart of your relationships. There are many different aspects to peace, both personal and social. Here are some examples that range widely across the spectrum.

Relationship Peace “Peace is not a consequence that automatically occurs because two people choose to enter into a human relationship like marriage or friendship. Without consistent effort any preference for peace will probably be overcome by the prevalence of problems. Genuine peace must be pursued with diligence and devotion.”

Peace in Relationship — a video. “Why find peace some day? The ability to access peace has always been with you.”

Societies within peace systems avoid war and build positive intergroup relationships “A comparative anthropological perspective reveals not only that some human societies do not engage in war, but also that peaceful social systems exist…. The mere existence of peace systems is important because it demonstrates that creating peaceful intergroup relationships is possible whether the social units are tribal societies, nations, or actors within a regional system. Peace systems have received scant scientific attention despite holding potentially useful knowledge and principles about how to successfully cooperate to keep the peace.”

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In this week’s blog, we wrote about why it is important to speak your truth in relationships. Here are some other authors writing about this topic.

9 Easy Ways You Can Speak Your Truth Today “When your circumstances invite you to present your true self to others, do you accept the invitation? I think of authentic communication as sharing the unfiltered essence of ourselves with others, including our identities, feelings, needs, boundaries, and desires. It’s taken me many years to learn how to communicate this way. I’ve written in prior posts that speaking my truth once felt like an insurmountable challenge, like rolling an elephant up a hill or finding another living being who actually likes Nickelback. (Anyone? No?)”

The Value of Speaking Your Truth “When teaching effective communication, I usually find myself emphasizing the power of listening. It’s amazing how much you can accomplish just by showing another person that you care about their experience. But recently a number of interactions have reminded me about the fact that good communication begins with having the courage to speak up, say what you’re feeling and ask for what you need”

How to Speak Your Truth, Part 1 and Part 2 “Speaking your truth can be one of the most powerful ways to transform your relationship. It opens the door to greater authenticity, intimacy, connection, satisfaction, and security. How, you wonder? Consider: Being honest about who you are is the best way to get to be you who you are. It never feels good to hide or compromise your true self, and it’s a deeply felt human desire to be seen, known, accepted and loved.”

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