Reading Corner

Links related to the weekly posts.

 

By Posted on Posted in Reading, Relationships, Successful Relating Tagged with , ,

This week, we said that you should avoid making lists and keeping score in your relationships. Here are a few guides on how to do that.

Keeping Score in Your Relationship Makes You Lose “With all of these things competing for your time and attention, people often end up looking to their partner to save the day, help out and “pull their weight.” You start watching everything they do and comparing it to what you do. In effect, you start keeping score in your relationship. This inevitably leads to feelings of resentment, anxiety, frustration and disappointment. Not the feelings you want if you’re looking for a connected, happy and satisfying relationship. Whether you’ve been together 10 months or 10 years, keeping score and competing often becomes an unwelcome component of many relationships. How do you stop it? Well, first you have to realize what you’re doing and why.”

When Keeping Score Keeps Us Apart “All relationships require balance. When balance doesn’t exist, particularly in unhealthy relationships, one partner typically takes on more of the work in an effort to maintain the relationship. Usually, one or both partners are keeping score. Rather than maintaining a healthy relationship, they’re maintaining a list of both efforts made and wrongs done. It may provide a balance, but I don’t think it’s the sort of accounting that makes our relationships stronger.”

8 ways to stop scorekeeping in your relationship “None of us want to admit to being a scorekeeper in our relationships. Behaving that way would mean that we are petty, small-minded, immature, or self-centered, not to mention grudging or stingy — all the attributes that grate on the very soul of our more evolved, generous, gracious, gratitude-trained true selves. Ouch. It’s not how we want to see ourselves, and it is certainly not how we want our children to see us. But score keep we do.”

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This week, we wrote about how to nurture intimacy in your relationship. Here are some articles with a variety of suggestions on what you can do.

Nourishing the Different Types of Intimacy in Your Relationship “When we talk about being intimate in a romantic relationship, we often equate it to sexual intimacy. But sex is just one form of intimacy. ‘Intimacy is a process whereby we feel truly seen, known by and connected to our partner,’ said Jennifer Kogan, LICSW, a psychotherapist who provides individual and couples counseling in Washington, D.C. And this can manifest in many ways. Here are other types of intimacy and how you can nourish each one.”

The check-in: an exercise to nurture intimacy and the tolerance of deep connection “In my experience working with couples, it’s not uncommon to find that partners have a considerable difference in their need or tolerance for emotional contact and intimacy. One partner may be more emotionally expressive and generally talkative, while the other may be less emotionally expressive and less comfortable with one-to-one contact with their partner.”

How to build emotional intimacy with your partner — starting tonight “When we discuss intimacy in a romantic partnership, what usually comes to mind are physical acts, such as holding hands, cuddling, kissing and even sex. While physical intimacy is integral in any romantic partnership — it’s one of the primary factors that sets it apart from any other type of relationship — fostering emotional intimacy is just as, if not more, important.”

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By Posted on Posted in Reading, Relationships Tagged with ,

This week, we wrote that adapting to change is the skill we will need to cultivate. Here are some articles with ways to handle that.

Flexibility in the Midst of Crisis “In recent days, we’ve been inundated with recommendations for how to stay healthy in the midst of the COVID-19 coronavirus pandemic. … However, a large part of emergency preparedness has been entirely overlooked. Being prepared is not only about having enough water or medication to ride out several weeks of quarantine—we need to be prepared psychologically as well.”

3 ways the coronavirus pandemic is changing who we are “I am a psychologist who studies human motivation and its impact on what we feel, how we think and what we do. I see that little by little, the stressful external forces this pandemic unleashed are exerting a deep internal effect. Little by little, they are changing who we are and how we relate to people and the world. The pandemic affects our psyches three ways: It influences how we think, how we relate to others and what we value.”

The Value of Psychological Flexibility During a Pandemic “The COVID-19 pandemic, and our response to it, has foisted considerable uncertainty into the personal and professional lives of humans… Fortunately, a construct from the behavioural-change sciences with documented links to human health and well-being may prove useful in navigating the COVID-19 storm: psychological flexibility.”

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This week we wrote about the importance of balance in your relationships. It was difficult to find articles discussing the issue as we did, but these three look at it from some interesting viewpoints.

4 Things You Can Do To Build a More Balanced Relationship “I like to sit in the park and watch couples interact. I note who puts a blanket down, who says thank you, who acknowledges the other person before picking up a phone or putting their head into a book. I do this because I’m interested in observing healthy relationships or catching parts of interactions that I like and want to apply to my own relationship.”

How to Create Balance in Your Relationships “today, we want to talk about the importance of balance in your relationships, and how to create and maintain healthy, balanced relationship dynamics. Perhaps you’re trying to navigate a new relationship, support your partner through a hard time, or make more time for yourself and set boundaries. Regardless of if you’re feeling overwhelmed or underwhelmed in one of your relationships, here are some tips to help you feel like you can still be yourself and keep your relationships balanced with the rest of your life.”

Interpersonal Relationships “A number of theories have been formed to understand interpersonal relationships. There is merit to looking at relationships from the perspective of each of these theories. To believe exclusively in one theory and disregard the other theories would limit our understanding of social relationships.”

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By Posted on Posted in Core Values, Reading, Relationships, Successful Relating Tagged with , ,

In our blog this week, we asked what makes for a conflict-free relationship? Here are some articles supporting this view. A couple are fairly short, but we included them because they are so on point.

What Is Radical Acceptance? The 5 Steps I Took To Save My Relationship “I had to learn how to show radical acceptance. “Andrea, just love him.” These were the surprising, profound words a wise friend had for me when I called to consult her after having a particularly bad fight with my boyfriend (now husband), Sanjay.”

Total Acceptance of The People in Your Life “Total acceptance of the people in your life is truly liberating. This means accepting someone for exactly who they are—not trying to change them or desperately hoping they grow, but rather accepting them for who they are right now. If you constantly try to change or pressure a person into becoming someone they currently aren’t, then even if they do change in the direction you desire, they probably won’t do it very well, they likely won’t do it for very long, and they will almost certainly resent you for it.”

Unconditional acceptance and limitless space for total honesty – can relationships be this simple? “Love is the energy of life, but it is an energy that can only flow through relationships that are based on unconditional acceptance and total honesty about everything. The thought system of perfect love enables you to easily accept everything and hide nothing. If you can do this, then you have transcended ego. Whether you call it enlightenment, awakening, or salvation, what is required is a total escape from ego.”

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