Reading Corner

Links related to the weekly posts.

 

By Posted on Posted in Reading, Relationships, Successful Relating 1 Comment Tagged with , ,

We wrote in this week’s blog on how to blend connection and separation in your relationship, and as usual, we’ve tracked down some other articles on this topic. Enjoy!

Balancing Togetherness and Individuality “Mutuality is one of the most important aspects of marriage success. But how do you become part of a couple while maintaining a strong sense of yourself? How do you manage your need for time together and time apart? And what do you do if you and your partner have different ideas of how much time to spend together? How much time together is enough? Is there such a thing as too much togetherness? Is there a way to maintain closeness even when your work life is especially demanding of your time and attention, perhaps including prolonged separations?”

Time Together vs. Time Apart: Which Is More Important? “How much time should a couple spend together? Apart? That’s the tug and pull of many couples. Too much time together could make one partner feel suffocated. Too much time apart could make one partner feel isolated. So how much time is best? There’s something most couples overlook that I’m going to share.”

Developing a healthy balance between separateness and togetherness in relationships “One family-of-origin theorist, Murray Bowen (1978), developed a theory called ‘differentiation of self’ that is helpful when looking at issues around closeness and separateness in relationships. Research (Skowron, 2000) has shown that couples who demonstrate a higher level of differentiation are more likely to be satisfied in their relationship. On an individual, internal level differentiation of self refers to a person’s ability to distinguish between self and other and between the more rationale and the more emotional parts of our self.”

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By Posted on Posted in compromise, Reading, Relationships, Successful Relating 1 Comment

This week’s blog is about how to avoid compromise in your relationship. Here are some other writers’ takes on this topic.

How Compromise Is Actually Hurting Your Relationship (And What To Do Instead) “Compromise implies that both people have to give up something they want in order to come up with a solution that is tolerable for both. While this all sounds noble and selfless, I think compromise as a solution may do more harm than good. Viewing compromise as your ideal solution requires that we enter a mindset of need rather than empowerment. We assume all we can get is the bare minimum rather than asking for what we really want. We settle rather than flourish.”

Want a great marriage? Don’t compromise—try this instead “‘Don’t compromise yourself. You’re all you’ve got.’ – Janis Joplin. Janis’s fierce dedication to herself is potent advice. And I can’t think of anyone in need of such fierce dedication more than parents. Speaking from my own personal experience and from the work I do with couples in my couple therapy practice, I can say that the struggle is real. It is so easy to compromise ourselves for our kids or our partners and convince ourselves we’re sacrificing for a greater good. Yet repeatedly doing this can create serious problems down the line.”

Create a Successful Marriage: Don’t Compromise! “‘Compromise—no matter how difficult—is a necessary part of any successful, enduring marriage.’ I emphatically disagree. Not only is compromise NOT a recipe for success in relationships, but compromise is exactly why so many marriages fail. It’s true that we are all very different and that conflict often occurs because of these differences. That’s not going to change—we will always be unique. However, honoring differences and learning to explore what’s important to each other is part of what makes a relationship so rich, exciting, and surprising—and that’s what makes compromise so unappealing.”

By Posted on Posted in Our Process, Reading, Relationships, Spectrum of Acceptance, Successful Relating No Comments

This week’s blog is about how to reach a mutual solution in your relationship. It’s the third of three posts on the spectrum of acceptance. Here are some articles covering how to resolve differences with your partner.

Solve Tough Dilemmas With the Win-Win Waltz This is by Susan Heitler, who we greatly respect for her position on conflicts. “Would you like to resolve all your conflicts without arguing? No more “My way!”, “No my way!” fights? Learn instead the three steps of the win-win waltz. The three steps of win-win waltzing help you to understand each other’s concerns instead of locking into adversarial positions.”

Our Conflict-Free Relationship This is a guest post from us. “Our view on conflict in relationships is radically different from the common one, which holds that conflicts are unavoidable, even important and necessary. In our experience, this is a fallacious assumption that sets up and perpetuates a negative mindset. Couples are primed to expect adversarial exchanges in which they take different sides, creating an illusory separation between them.”

Problem solving – 3 step guide “Don’t let problems tear you apart. Learn from them and use the solution process to help you create an even more intimate and satisfying marriage. While relationship problems are varied and complex, we believe that most relationship problems are by-products of ineffective or counterproductive communication within the relationship”

By Posted on Posted in Reading, Relationship differences, Relationships, Spectrum of Acceptance No Comments

In this week’s blog, we wrote about how to look at differences in your relationship. These articles cover various aspects of that.

Deep Acceptance In Relationships “For securely attached adults, differences between them are generally not threatening to the relationship. … For insecurely attached adults (on average one out of three, though people tend to hang out with like-kinds) it’s a whole different ballgame, and this is where things get way more complicated.”

Acceptance: The Foundation of Lasting Relationships “Research suggests that there are fundamentally five ways to deal with disappointment and disillusionment in a romantic partner, each with varying degrees of effectiveness:”

6 Ways to Manage the Differences in Your Relationship “Mary loves romantic comedies. Her boyfriend Sam likes action movies—the more violent, the better. She’s a vegetarian; he’s a carnivore. ‘I love him, but we seem totally mismatched,’ she says. ‘We can’t agree on a movie or a meal; how can we make important life choices, like where we’ll live or when we’ll start a family?’”

By Posted on Posted in Core Values, Presence, Reading, Relationships No Comments

In this week’s blog, we asked why are core values important in your relationship? Here are some articles that deal with core values, including an exercise to help determine them.

The key for a successful relationship: Aligned values “Aligned values are one the most important things in any relationship. Whether it is with your life partner or business partner, aligned or misaligned values will define the success or failure of a relationship from day one. I like to visualise this as a pyramid, where at the very top you have your values, and below that, you have your life vision, then your objectives, and then at the bottom, your interests.”

What Core Values Mean to Love “Core values form the foundation on which we live and conduct ourselves. When we’re in alignment with our core values, we know the direction our life is heading and what’s important to us. We experience more peace, self confidence and well-being. Without core values, we find ourselves drifting from relationship to relationship or staying in unhealthy relationships and never really feeling fulfilled.”

Live Your Core Values: 10 Minute Exercise to Increase Your Success “Our core values are the true representation of our authentic selves. Unfortunately, our authenticity is not always what we present to the world. The bright beacon of core values may dim under clouds other people and circumstances cast over them. That is why it is important to know and stand firm on what your core values are. … It doesn’t take years of soul searching and self-reflection to find your core values. The following exercise can help you start living your best life according to your core values in 30 minutes or less.”