Reading Corner

Links related to the weekly posts.

 

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This week we wrote that peaceful relationships really do exist, and you can make yours one of them. Here are some writers who agree and describe ways to achieve that peaceful state.

Peace in a Relationship “Peace in a relationship is characterized by a sense of comfort, trust, and emotional safety. It means that you can be your authentic self without fear of judgment or rejection. It’s a feeling of acceptance and understanding that comes from both partners being on the same page and working towards common goals. Communication is clear and respectful, and disagreements are handled in a constructive manner. There is a sense of balance and equality, with each partner contributing to the relationship in their own way. There is no anxiety, no need for jealousy, there’s trust and both your minds are calm.
In short, peace in a relationship is a state of mutual harmony and contentment.”

How to Have a Peace of Mind in a Relationship: The Ultimate Guide to Creating Peaceful Relationships With Your Partner “Let’s kick things off with a truth bomb: the bedrock of any peaceful relationship is clear, open, and honest dialogue. Imagine you’re trying to bake a cake, but you’ve decided to play a guessing game with the ingredients. Sounds disastrous, right? That’s exactly what happens when you’re not upfront about your feelings, needs, and expectations in a relationship.”

Relationship Peace “Peace is not a consequence that automatically occurs because two people choose to enter into a human relationship like marriage or friendship. Without consistent effort any preference for peace will probably be overcome by the prevalence of problems. Genuine peace must be pursued with diligence and devotion.”

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This week, we wrote about how trust and peace go hand in hand in your relationships. Here are some other writings on the topic.

Why Trust Matters in Relationships and Marriage “Trust is a valuable asset in every relationship. It is the cornerstone that shapes an individual’s ability to engage in a happy relationship. Trust provides the comfort in a relationship where two people can learn to count on each other.”

The Foundation of Trust: Why It Matters in a Relationship “Trust is about being able to be vulnerable with someone and feel safe, even when that vulnerability is uncomfortable. Trust means that I don’t need to act defensively to protect myself because, well, there is no attack. Trust spends a lot of time with that unconditional love we all hear so much about because trust means we are wholly accepted for who we are.”

Why Is Trust Important in a Relationship? “Trust is critical to a happy, healthy, romantic relationship. So, why is trust important in a relationship? It provides comfort and allows partners to count on each other. That’s because trust and other components of a relationship, such as honesty, vulnerability, and open communication, go hand in hand.”

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This week, we wrote about how to avoid relationship conflicts by using the word “stop”, and here are a number of writers offering their variants on the idea.

The Power of Pause: How Taking a Break Can Transform Relationship Conflicts “The power of the pause is simple: it’s a strategy that harnesses the strength of stepping back and taking a breather in the midst of heated moments. Breathing is simple, remembering to breathe is not easy. And the more escalated and indignant people become, the more they dig in their heels. The pace of the fight is accelerated, and basically the whole thing is out of control. There are very few people who find this to be easy or natural, but the good news is that anyone can develop this skill with practice and intention.”

How Mindfulness Can Help Couples Cool Down “One of my favorite interventions, which encourages attentional mindfulness, is simply to ask, “What are you noticing now?” I find that there can be tremendous benefits simply by shifting my clients’ attention to their own bodily sensations—clenched jaw or fists, tightness in their throat or chest, churning in the stomach—and by labeling their feelings as they arise and escalate: Anger, sadness, fear, and shame are the most common ones. Noting their patterns of thoughts and behaviors helps see them for what they are: habitual and automatic, well-grooved into the brain’s neural circuitry. And like any habit, these patterns don’t need to own or define us; they’re something we can change.”

A Powerful Tool to Stay Grounded in Conflict “…a simple mindfulness practice traditionally associated with Buddhism, shamatha, meaning calm presence. This practice is centred around concentration on your breathing as it is. If you are breathing, you are already halfway there to starting this practice! The simplicity of this practice allows it to be used anywhere you are, and as we become more familiar with it, it will become a tool used effortlessly to ground ourselves in the present.”

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This week, we said that conflict is not inevitable in your relationships. In our links this week, Dr. Heitler is prominent, and with good reason: she explains clearly why fighting in relationships is wrong and harmful.

Beware Of Mistaken Marriage Advice That “All Couples Fight” “Stressful situations that are becoming adversarial between loving partners can escalate into ever more stressful arguments. Alternatively, they can be handled with calm, productive, collaborative talking together that dissipates stress and yields the creation of mutually comfortable solutions. In this regard, one paragraph in psychologist Harriet Lerner’s otherwise excellent post, “My Partner and I Can’t Stop the Fighting,” troubles me. The offending paragraph about how to fix marriage problems states a conventional wisdom that is wrong and sets needlessly low and even harmful aspirations for people who believe it.”

Solve Tough Dilemmas With the Win-Win Waltz “The three steps of win-win waltzing help you to understand each other’s concerns instead of locking into adversarial positions. The more understanding you gain about both your and others’ deeply felt concerns, the more likely it becomes that you will be able to be nice to yourself and simultaneously nice also to others.
Based on the ideas first written about in Fisher and Ury’s book Getting to Yes, the win-win waltz can enable you to dance through collaborative problem-solving to resolve your differences like partners instead of becoming enemies. Conflicts occur often between folks. All duos, at home and at work, from time to time have different preferences. One wants to turn left and the other to turn right. Fortunately, differences needn’t lead either to fighting to establish who wins and who will lose, or to giving up on what you want. There’s no need to compromise either, or to get mad. Here’s further good news. The same strategy for talking through problems that works between two people works also within groups of any size.”

14 Ways to Resolve Conflicts and Solve Relationship Problems “Decide if you’ve got a problem or just a difference. If an issue isn’t threatening your health, safety, or financial security, doesn’t work against your shared vision for your marriage, and doesn’t put an unfair burden on you, then it may simply be a sign that the two of you are two different people. Perhaps you’re an extrovert and love parties, while your partner’s introvert personality makes him or her crave quiet nights at home. Perhaps you’re great at starting projects, while your partner’s terrific at sticking with it until every last detail is finished. Or maybe one of you is a morning person, the other a night owl. In that case, the solution is acceptance, not trying to change your partner. Look for the ways that your differences are marriage-strengthening assets.”

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This week, we said make sure you pay attention to your relationships. Here are three articles that explore various facets of this.

Why Relationships Matter (Maybe Now More Than Ever) “The quality of our relationships is the single biggest predictor of our happiness—more so than business success, physical health, wealth, status or fame. While we may be in the unique position of either spending a bit too much time with others lately, or striving to maintain connections with those we love from a safe distance, it does all of us good to focus on and prioritize our relationships to set the foundation of a happy, healthy life.”

The importance of relationships for our well-being “As humans, we feel the need to relate to others in order to feel worthy and to feel that we belong. We are social creatures. It doesn’t have to be a romantic relationship. All kinds of relationships play an essential role in our lives! This includes your family, friends, colleagues at work and even people you meet at the café or gym you attend.”

How Your Relationships Can Bring Out the Best in You “People who are thriving are usually doing so with the help of others. Peak athletes have coaches. Top executives have mentors. Great parents have parenting blogs and other great parents to bounce ideas off of. Even those contemplative Buddhist monks who seem to be at the pinnacle of self-transcendence are almost always surrounded by other transcendent monk friends. Research backs this up, suggesting that positive relationships can help us succeed, grow, and become better people.”

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