Reading Corner

Links related to the weekly posts.

 

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In this week’s blog, we wrote about how to solve differences from a place of mutuality. Here are a number of articles on listening and being heard.

Listen Up: Why You Don’t Feel Heard in Your Relationship “Solid, healthy communication is essential in any relationship because it’s the pathway to intimacy. When we talk and share our feelings, we feel closer to others and often get our needs met. However, talking is only half of the equation when it comes to good communication. The other half is listening.”

Simple Ways to Make Your Partner Feel Heard and Understood “When you make your partner feel heard and (better) understood, then you will live in a space with a lot more peace. On the other hand, there’s the dark side. If your partner feels like she’s not getting through, the friction is endless. The unheard spouse repeats herself, “nags,” lowers expectations, or eventually shuts down. If a spouse feels like nothing they say sticks, then why bother talking at all?”

Response Options to Someone Who Doesn’t Hear You “From this, feeling heard well enough means “I perceive that (a) you understand what I think, feel, and need right now, and (b) you respect both of us equally.” Anything less than this is listening. Does this help to explain why people frustrate each other by saying “You’re not listening to (hearing) me!” “Yes I AM!” How many average adults and kids do you think are aware of what you just read?”

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In this week’s blog, we wrote about the actual experience of peace in relationships. Here are two articles and a video that shed light on this topic.

What Does Peace Mean? Peace means different things to different people and cultures. Columbian College faculty members from a cross section of disciplines were asked to define what peace means to them. Here’s how they responded.

Peace, True Love…. and Cryptography (Video) Turing Award winner Martin Hellman, along with his wife Dorothie, discuss their book, “A New Map for Relationships: Creating True Love at Home & Peace on the Planet,” and how they went from being madly in love at first, to heading for divorce, then madly in love again–explaining how the same lessons they had to learn in their marriage can help avert worldwide catastrophes such as global warming and nuclear war. We have this book and recommend it, and will be doing a Friday Feature on it.

Meditate and Experience Wholeness “Through superconscious meditation, we are able to guide our attention and awareness to consciously rest in our essential, unbounded, spiritual nature—that which is full, whole, and complete. The experience we have of our essential nature is the experience of inner peace. This inner peace is the peace of the soul, which is whole; it is sufficient unto itself.”

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In this week’s blog, we asked how commitment and presence affect your relationship. Here are two articles and a poem that we liked.

38 Ways To Really Show Up In Your Relationship “Do you show up in your relationships? Are you really, truly there for your partner, with full presence and commitment? Or do you show up simply by being physically available? If so, you may think you are “there” for your partner, though you’re missing in spirit. Odds are, you’re giving the relationship as much as you have time and energy for, but are treating your relationship as another “to-do” item in your life. Or maybe you’re just there because you don’t want to be alone.”

Love’s Deeper Commitment This is a poem by Jeff Foster that resonated for us.

The Power of Presence and How You Relate – Love or Fear? (a 2-part article) “Presence is pure power as it also holds limitless possibilities for personal and relational healing and transformation. It is present moments that offer opportunities in which you can, if you choose, stretch out of old comfortable places.”

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In this week’s blog, we suggested that you reframe your feelings and change your relationship. These articles cover the research, some excellent techniques, and a clear discussion of boundaries.

You’re Excited, Not Nervous. You Just Keep Telling Yourself That. “When you are nervous, people like to tell you to calm down, despite the fact that telling someone to calm down rarely, if ever, results in anyone actually calming down. Anyway, as Olga Khazan notes today in the Atlantic, the research shows that we are likely getting this backward — instead of attempting to tamp down your nerves, it may be better to keep them revved up.”

A Practical Guide To Reframing Your Thoughts And Making Yourself Happier “Our minds are constantly bombarded with negative thoughts, visions of horrible things that may happen to us, and terrifying reasons not to do the things we want to do. And yet in the end, these horrible things rarely happen. The thoughts cause pain by twisting yourself into thinking that things are not “kol beseder” (everything is ok, or s’all good, in Hebrew). The worst part is that these thoughts disturb us for so long and we never do anything about them! Well, that’s about to change.”

Why Healthy Relationships Always Have Boundaries & How to Set Boundaries in Yours “In romantic relationships we often think of boundaries as a bad thing or simply unnecessary. Isn’t our partner supposed to anticipate our wants and needs? Isn’t that part of being in love? Aren’t boundaries callous? Don’t they interfere with the romance and spontaneity of a relationship? Many of Ryan Howes’s clients assume that having boundaries means not having loving feelings toward their partner. But it’s actually the opposite.”

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In this week’s blog, we wrote about the paradox of union and separateness in a relationship. Here are some excellent articles on this subject.

The Central Paradox of Love: Esther Perel on Reconciling the Closeness Needed for Intimacy with the Psychological Distance That Fuels Desire “How to live with those paradoxes, rather than succumbing to the self-defeating urge to treat them as problems to be solved, is what Belgian psychotherapist and writer Esther Perel explores in Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence (public library). Drawing on decades of her own work with couples and a vast body of psychological literature, Perel offers an illuminating and consolatory perspective on intimate relationships and our conflicting needs for security and freedom, warmth and wildness.”

How to Not Lose the “Me” When Becoming a “We” “The question is: how to be in a relationship and not lose yourself; how to be part of a We without losing Me. What makes being in a relationship tricky is that it provides the opportunity for two completely different experiences. On the one hand, it is an opportunity for two individuals to be supported by each other’s appreciation and love for the person their partner is. Both partners are enhanced by such an association, and flourish and grow as people.”

Relationship Success: Balancing Togetherness and Individuality “Maintaining individuality is critical to establishing a long-lasting, healthy partnership. Therefore, equal efforts between attending to oneself and making the relationship work are necessary. Personal boundaries are the limits we set for ourselves as individuals in relationships. They protect our sense of personal identity and help guard against being overwhelmed by the demands of others.”

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