Reading Corner

Links related to the weekly posts.

 

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In this week’s blog we wrote about celebrating the many forms of love on Valentines Day. Here are some articles you might enjoy.

The 4 Types of Love We Should All Experience “Love is so nuanced that the Ancient Greeks separated it into four different types. I firmly believe that experiencing all four types of love within someone’s life is important for spiritual growth and emotional happiness.”

Different Types of Love “Most of the times, love is mistaken to be linked romantically only. And when this happens, people often fail to comprehend that love has a myriad of hues than just that. There are different types of love that people experience in life and each time they experience a particular type of love, they realize its existence in the world.”

History of Valentine’s Day “The history of Valentine’s Day–and the story of its patron saint–is shrouded in mystery. We do know that February has long been celebrated as a month of romance, and that St. Valentine’s Day, as we know it today, contains vestiges of both Christian and ancient Roman tradition. But who was Saint Valentine, and how did he become associated with this ancient rite?”

 

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In this week’s blog we wrote about attention and why it is so important in all relationships. Here are some articles discussing that.

Pay Attention. Is This The Simplest Relationship Key? “Experts also point out that paying attention to your partner is not something that always comes naturally. Once the honeymoon period is over (and you no longer find everything they say absolutely fascinating!), it’s easy to substitute genuine interest for routine chit-chat.”

Marriage and Paying Attention “couples got so busy with the details of their hurly-burly lives that they forgot why they got together in the first place. The “we” got lost. Who has time for courting or fooling around or taking a walk or doing nothing when every hour and minute has been preempted by the unlimited details of the modern, upscale, child-centered suburban quest for a better lifestyle in a bigger house in a better neighborhood? You have so much to do that it’s hard to pay attention to your spouse, to be sensitive when he or she needs some downtime, some solitude with the soulmate, a little smooching or TLC.”

The Price of a Great Relationship? Paying Attention “Paul says she’s not the only one who feels that way. All he ever hears from her is that he’s supposed to remember to pick the kids up from school on Tuesday, or that it’s the night to take the trash to the curb, or not to forget that Nan’s recital is Friday night. What they both so desperately want from each other is simply some personal attention. It’s what we all want from each other, in all of our personal relationships.”

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In this week’s blog we wrote about why you need time apart in your relationship. We have some links about this for you.

Be Apart to Stay Together “New research shows that happy long-married couples often say their secret is, “We give each other space.” According to an unpublished study by Terri Orbuch, a psychologist and research professor at the University of Michigan’s Institute for Social Research, having enough space or privacy in a relationship is more important for a couple’s happiness than having a good sex life.”

10 Relationship benefits of spending time away from your partner “If you are part of a couple there are many benefits alone-time can bring to your relationship. Here are some tips for how to make the most of your time with yourself in order to benefit your partnership.”

Why spending time apart is super healthy for your relationship (pdf) “The fact that you are married or committed to each other does not mean that you have to spend all your time together. This is such a common misunderstanding in many couples. They tend to believe that the fact that you spend a week holidays apart or that you have a night out with your friends are signs that something is wrong with your relationship. Not at all!”

 

 

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Maude and I know from our direct experience that relationships without conflict are possible. This is an uncommon position to take, and many people are doubtful, so it is a pleasure to find similar writings.

I came across “How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free” by Tina Tessina and Riley Smith in our local library, and was delighted to find a sympathetic view. Chapter 1 starts out: “In 15 years of working with couples in private therapy and workshops, we have found that no matter how unsolvable a problem seems to the couple presenting it, when we help them apply Cooperative Problem Solving, a solution can always be found.”

How could I not be entranced?

They decry competition: “The belief that someone has to ‘win’ in a relationship encourages us to compete rather than to cooperate,” and offer a detailed procedure: “The unique aspect of Cooperative Problem Solving is that both parties attempting to resolve a conflict or make a decision can negotiate so that both get what they want.” They have, like many therapy books, formalized their approach and include many charts, guidelines and exercises. The Negotiation Tree is a multi-page flowchart guiding you through the steps. You might feel this structured approach to be a useful map or a limiting straitjacket.

Their focus is very much on The Negotiation Tree, which is similar to what we have described as Our Process, and they break it down into five steps:

  • Define and Communicate the Problem
  • Agree to Negotiate
  • Set the Stage
  • State Your Wants
  • Explore Your Options and Decide

I liked this book so much, I ordered a second-hand copy from Amazon, and what arrived was the 1987 2nd edition, with the authors’ names reversed. This is a very different book, and although the five steps are identical to the 3rd edition, the guidelines and exercises are not included. It still uses examples of couples working through problems to illustrate its points, and goes into less detail, which in a way makes it clearer.

Either of these editions will be a rewarding read, and they differ so much that you could start with the 2nd edition and then enjoy the more detailed breakdown in the 3rd edition. They are both out of print, but a new edition is planned for Valentine’s day. Their latest book is How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together, and Dr. Tessina is also the author of many other relationship books.

Riley K. Smith, M.A. and Tina B. Tessina, M.A., How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free. 2nd ed. North Hollywood, CA: Newcastle Publishing, 1987.
Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. and Riley K. Smith, M.A., How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free. 3rd ed. Franklin Lakes, NJ: New Page Books, 2002.
Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. and Riley K. Smith, M.A., How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together. Long Beach, CA: Muffinhaven Press, 2016.

You can find more about the authors at their web sites:
Riley K. Smith, MA, LMFT
Dr. Tina Tessina, PhD, LMFT

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In this week’s blog we wrote about commitment. This week’s links discuss various aspects of this topic.

Committed Relationship – What Does That Really Mean? “Commitment also requires that each partner choose it themselves. I don’t believe anyone can force you to commit to something. You can certainly try, but ultimately a true commitment that comes from the heart has to come from each person of their own free will.”

Passion + Intimacy + Commitment = Consummate Love “Passion, intimacy, and commitment are the three pillars of couple-love, says psychologist, Robert Sternberg in his “triangular theory.” We may love based on intimacy, passion, or commitment, or any combination of the three.”

What Committed to a Relationship Means “A deeper level of commitment, the psychologists report, is a much better predictor of lower divorce rates and fewer problems in marriage.”

 

 

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