Reading Corner

Links related to the weekly posts.

 

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People often spend lots of time and energy in finding a relationship. They will take courses, join online services, and read up on ways to meet and find partners. Much effort goes into deciding if this is the right match; there is discussion with friends and counselors, and lots of attention devoted to deciding yes or no to a particular relationship.

However, it is unfortunately the case that very often once a couple embarks on the path of having a relationship, their efforts, as well as the outside information, support and input seem to cease. The couple thinks that they are alone with the building and succoring of their relationship once it has begun. It is often the case that a couple will only seek outside support or information when their relationship is having a bumpy time and they feel they need help.

Maude used the phrase “feed your relationship” at breakfast, and it immediately clicked for both of us. We realized that in our partnership and those of other successful couples we have interviewed and talked to, continuous nourishment of the relationship makes a huge difference to its actual success.

We participate in many activities and interactions that we feel are really important to feeding our relationship on an ongoing basis, and we think that you too can find a host of fun and nourishing actions to add strength and support to your union.

Feed your relationship and keep it strong; read our blog & find out how #relationships #quote Click To TweetThrough the work on our book, we have interviewed, met and befriended many couples who believe in and support peaceful relating. Finding other people who you can share with and exchange ideas and experiences with is a deep adventure in learning. It is often eye-opening how similar experiences can be; even if they take different forms, the patterns and underlying basis of the actions and interactions is frequently the same.

We read many books and articles in the area of peaceful relating. As we do a weekly blog called Successful Relationship Reading Corner, we are always researching others who write on the same topics in their own style, and this brings much practical advice and information our way. We also do an occasional Friday Feature blog on people and couples working in the area of peaceful relating, and we have had the good fortune to meet with many of these peace workers and share our personal experiences.

We buy a year’s worth of books of stories, poems and erotica every year at the annual Planned Parenthood book sale in our community. Phil reads aloud most nights from this haul. Right now he’s re-reading an anniversary gift, the anthology “Twenty Poems to Bless Your Marriage And One to Save It” by Roger Housden. Roger writes wonderful commentaries on the poems, pulling out the essence in a style that rivals the poems themselves. Speaking of marriage, he writes:

…a marriage proposal is formed from a knowing. You just know, with a knowing of the heart, and not of the rational mind, that this is the person you want to spend your life with. It’s not so much that you make a commitment as you recognize and affirm that a commitment is already there in the quality and nature of your being together. To bring forth that recognition in words brings it down to earth, out of the realm of possibility and into actuality. This is an ennobling moment, because it promises to bring the spirit of the divine to dwell among the physical, moral and social constraints of being human. It is an act of courage on both people’s parts.

It is a joy to find ourselves reflected in his words.

For all that everyone likes to think of themselves as making their own way in life, we are all strongly influenced by the standards and behavior we see all around us, and “feed your relationship” helped us see that we regularly surround ourselves with inspiration. We follow writers and therapists who espouse peaceful relationships. We hang out with upbeat people who celebrate life. We treasure and cultivate the joy that our relationship brings us.

All of this is reminiscent of those inspirational quotes found on Facebook or your dentist’s waiting room. Every one of those feeds your life. What you let into your life is what you become.

Each partnership has to find their own way to feed their relationship with this kind of energy. One thing is for sure: finding input that succors your union and trying new ways to live and express ways to be together will keep your relationship new, alive and vital. Don’t wait till you need a counselor to repair what is not working. Stay active and feed your relationship now!

You can hear Phil reading our blogs on iTunes and narrating audio books on audible.com.

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In this week’s blog we looked at fear and love and how they affect relationships. There is some good writing here on those twin forces.

To Love or to Fear? “In my life, I have begun to realize that behind the veil of every feeling I have ever experienced since I was a little girl, there have always been only two core emotions which brought forth actions and reactions: love and fear. These two emotions are the directors behind every expression of thought. They are the drivers of the bus. They are the captains of the ship.”

Loving the Unknown “The voice of fear fills our minds with thoughts that project into the future and expect the worst. Should I or shouldn’t I? What if I do—or don’t? The imagination runs wild thinking of every negative scenario that could happen. And the effect of these projections? You feel stuck, you limit yourself, or you resign yourself to playing it safe. Your attention is captured in fear-infused thoughts, while you’re missing the beauty of what is real and alive right here and now.”

Five Clues That Your Decisions Are Based on Fear “Once you’re aware that certain types of fear are more likely to occur in relationship situations and you accept how insidious they can be. You can begin to watch for clues that your decisions are being based on fearful thinking (as opposed to clear thinking). Here are five things that are often signs of fear-based decisions.”

 

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In this week’s blog we looked at how important being positive is for your relationship. Here are some interesting articles on positivity and relationships.

How to Make Your Relationship More Positive “Most people think that you cannot create positivity—it’s either there or it’s not—but they’re wrong. You can definitely encourage yourself and your loved ones to be and feel more positive. You just have to learn how to do it, as many others have done. Think about the professional athlete who has lost a game and has to pump himself and his teammates up for the next one. Having a good coach—or a good therapist—may help, but pumping yourself up is something you can do on your own or even as a couple.”

3 Ways to Keep Your Relationship in the Positive Perspective “Dave has been married for 10 years. When he is away from his partner and thinks of her, he usually thinks about how she doesn’t help out around the house enough or about recent fights they’ve had. Sarah has been in a relationship for six years. When she is away from her partner and thinks of her, most of the time she thinks fondly about past vacations or other positive (and even neutral) memories. In both of these scenarios, the crucial difference between Dave and Sarah is how positively or negatively they view their partner.”

8 Tips for Developing Positive Relationships “One of the most profound experiences we can have in our lives is the connection we have with other human beings. Positive and supportive relationships will help us to feel healthier, happier, and more satisfied with our lives. So here are a few tips to help you to develop more positive and healthy relationships in all areas of your life.”

 

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In this week’s blog we looked at how to find a relationship when you’re older. The writers have a wide view of what “older dating” means, but the advice applies at any age.

He Asked 1500+ Elders For Advice On Living And Loving. Here’s What They Told Him “Karl Pillemer has spent the last several years systematically interviewing hundreds of older Americans to collect their lessons for living. He’s … a Ph.D. gerontologist at Cornell University. Some years ago, after turning 50, he wondered whether there is something about getting older that teaches you how to live better. “Could we look at the oldest Americans as experts on how to live our lives?” he asked. “And could we tap that wisdom to help us make the most of our lifetimes?” [He has written] “30 Lessons for Loving,” which features practical wisdom from over 700 older Americans with 25,000 collective years of marriage experience. One couple he profiles was married for 76 years. Another interviewee describes divorcing her husband, then remarrying him 64 years later.”

40 Tips for Finding Love After 40 “We’ve asked a panel of local experts to share their top tips for finding love after the age of 40. Their words of wisdom are designed to help you find the kind of relationship that meets your individual wishes and needs at this exciting point in your life. From professional matchmakers to experienced relationship coaches, we’ve gathered a group of love aficionados who understand what it takes for mature adults to identify what they want and how to achieve it.”

Romance and new relationships in later life “I recently asked some people between the ages of 20 and 45 what they thought about 70-year-old people hugging, touching, having sexual relations, living together. Some laughed, some just smiled. One person responded, “Aren’t people over 65 beyond all that?” Well… No.”

 

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In this week’s blog we looked at the importance of respect in your relationship. Many people think this is even more important than communication. Here are some articles on this topic.

What is Respect in a Healthy Relationship? “People have a lot of different ideas about what the word “respect” means. Sometimes, it is used to mean admiration for someone important or inspirational to us. Other times, respect refers to deference towards a figure of authority, like a parent, relative, teacher, boss or even a police officer. In this post, we’re talking about respect in the context of dating. In a healthy relationship, partners are equals, which means that neither partner has “authority” over the other. Each partner is free to live their own life, which can include deciding to share some aspects of their life with their partner. Respect also means that, while we may not always agree with our partner/s, we choose to trust them and put faith in their judgment.”

Relationships and the Importance of Respect “Relationship advice is everywhere and you often hear that the key is communicate – communicate – communicate… You will hear the importance of making clear agreements, having good boundaries and of course the importance of love. Respect however is often mentioned in passing and yet respect is paramount in successful happy relationships, romantic or otherwise.”

Why Is Respect Important In a Relationship? “Love and respect can never be separated in a relationship, especially in a romantic one. It is true that we can respect someone and not really love him, but we can never love anyone without also respecting them.”

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