Reading Corner

Links related to the weekly posts.

 

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Today we’re pleased to feature Karen Haddigan, author of  Secrets of Dating After Fifty: The Insider’s Guide to Finding Love Again.

Karen writes and does presentations on online dating for those just returning to the dating scene. She offers up-to-date information on its changes, and works with people in the area of reinventing themselves after crisis like loss or divorce of a partner.

Her book, Secrets of Dating After Fifty, takes readers on a wild ride in the search to find love later in life, where the dating landscape has completely changed, potential partners are served up online and there are no rules for how to behave.Book cover: Dating after Fifty

Humorous, insightful and blushingly candid, Secrets pulls no punches. It explores everything from the re-awakening of your inner teenager to sex with aging bodies, how to avoid dates from hell and why you should never ask your married friends for dating advice.

Karen Haddigan has been a TV comedy writer, amateur actor, tree-planter, real estate agent/investor, single mother and professional mediator. She was a senior instructor in a Conflict Resolution program at the Justice Institute of BC, Canada, for seventeen years, where she authored a training manual for mediators.

Are you recently single, over 50 and feeling like a dinosaur in the modern world of dating? Well, buckle up because Secrets of Dating After Fifty is here to help.

You can connect with Karen on Facebook or on her website.

 

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This week we blogged about how a successful relationship easily handles time apart. We wrote a very personal story, but here are some articles on the topic time together, time apart.

Be Apart to Stay Together “No one expected the typically close-mouthed Barbra Steisand to share something so personal on Katie last month, the new TV talk show. But when Katie Couric asked her about the secret to her happy 14-year marriage to James Brolin, Barbra revealed her secret, without hesitation. Barbra and James spend time apart.”

Time Together and Time Apart “In our last article we talked about how friends have a powerful effect on our marriage and our personal emotional health. Beyond providing emotional support in our time of need, spending time with others helps to strengthen our identification as a couple and make us feel connected to the world. Just as important for a successful marriage is the amount of time couples spend doing things with each other, without other couples.”

Why Time Is Important in Relationships “Often times people think that the solution to every problem in a relationship is to spend more time together, more closeness. That can actually do harm to a loving relationship. Can you truly desire what you never miss? Spend too much time together and contempt can block out any appreciation for your partner. I think of it as self-induced cabin fever. Making some time for your individual self allows you to practice self care as well as miss the people in your life that you love.”

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This week we blogged about total acceptance. Here are a few articles that discuss different aspects of this topic.

Is ‘Radical Acceptance’ the Key to a Lasting Relationship?  “I had been perpetuating the turmoil in our relationship by continuing to focus on Sanjay’s flaws. Instead, I needed to accept him as he was and commit to loving him. I needed to fully accept myself as well and not let the fear of rejection prevent me from being open and honest with my feelings.”

7 Ways to Be More Accepting of Your Partner—and Build a Stronger Relationship “The best relationships involve two individuals who feel they can function independently of one another. When one half of a partnership tries to control the other, the results can be disastrous for both sides. A healthy relationship includes trust, and an ability to let the other person be fully themselves, while also fully accepting and loving them.”

9 Differences Between Accepting & Tolerating Your Partner “Regarding romantic relationships, you may accept certain traits about your partner while only tolerating others. Of course, it helps to understand the differences between accepting and tolerating your partner in order to make the differentiation. ‘When we tolerate behavior, we are still angry, frustrated and resentful about it,’ Kim Olver, MS, LCPC, NCC, BCC, founder of The Relationship Center, and author of Secrets of Happy Couples, tells Bustle. ‘However, when we get to acceptance, all the negativity falls away — there is no frustration, anger, or resentment.'”

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This week we blogged on the truth of the “we” at the core of relationships. Here are some fascinating articles sharing studies about the use of “we” versus “I” in relationships.

How to Improve Your Relationship With One Simple Word “… check this out: Researcher Robert Levenson and colleagues at University of California, Berkeley, have been eavesdropping on our relationships and found couples who use the word “we” when talking, especially about difficult things, are happier, calmer, exhibit more positive emotional behavior, have less negative automatic arousal (i.e. heart pumping adrenaline and anxiety) and in general are more satisfied with their relationships (think: affection, respect, intimacy) than couples whose communication is more populated by the pronouns you, me and I. ”

“We” vs. “Me” Couples “The ‘we’ couples take themselves less seriously. They don’t imagine they can be perfect and are unsurprised when things don’t go swimmingly. Rather than a ‘here we go again, the universe hates me,’ when the car is stolen, a ‘we’ couple will quickly bemoan the fact that this happened to ‘us’ and move on. Of course cars get stolen, it happens every day. He files the police report, she arranges a rental. They get to work on time and the flow of life continues. ‘Me’ couples blame each other (I told you we shouldn’t have parked here. Why did you open an account in a bank here? It’s a crummy neighborhood). They storm off, they don’t resolve the issue quickly, they don’t get to work and they have more problems as the newest spiral downward commences.”

Love’s Language: Couples who say ‘we’ happier “Previous studies have indicated that use of inclusive pronouns that include ‘we,’ ‘our’ and ‘us’ — versus ‘I,’ ‘me’ and ‘you’ — are evidence of marital satisfaction in younger couples like Sievwright and hubby Dane, both of whom are 27. The latest work, in the September issue of the journal Psychology and Aging, carries the link forward to more established pairs when conflict bubbles, and reports evidence of more relaxed heart rates and blood pressure among those with the highest ‘we-ness’ quotients. ‘We found more ‘we’ language in older couples and in happier couples,’ said Robert Levenson, the study’s senior researcher at the University of California, Berkeley.”

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In this week’s blog, we wrote about seeing differences as an asset in your relationship. Since ours is a very uncommon point of view, we didn’t find articles talking to precisely what we shared, but these all offer useful information about differences in relationships.

Want a Lasting Marriage? Personality Match May Not Matter “Men and women in relationships need not be similar in personality in order to have a successful long-lasting marriage, a new study suggests. The study, which included couples who had been married for at least 40 years, found that neither personality similarities nor differences appeared to affect how happy the couples were.”

Do Your Personality Traits Affect Your Relationship? “So in your relationship is it a matter of “opposites attract” or “birds of a feather”? The question of whether similar or dissimilar personality traits are a source of romantic attraction and marital satisfaction has been debated for years.”

Why Partners Need Complementary Strengths “Your partnerships work on the same principle [of combination]. The best happen when you and someone who has strengths that complement yours join forces and focus on a single goal. Your strengths cancel out your partner’s weaknesses, and vice versa. You accomplish together what could not be done separately. Before you can forge a successful alliance, you must understand what you bring to the combination, and equally important, what you don’t.”

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