Reading Corner

Links related to the weekly posts.

 

By Posted on Posted in Reading, Relationships, Successful Relating Tagged with , ,

This week, we wrote about how relationships are your path toward growth. Here are some of our earlier posts about how to use this in your relationships.

How to Stop Irritation Poisoning Your Relationship “When Phil noticed yesterday that he had spoken in a manner that made him uncomfortable, he looked within himself to see what was happening. He chose a time when we were alone together and sitting in close contact to share what he felt and why he had spoken in the manner he did. Touch can be very helpful in these moments, if it is a comfortable choice for you. Instead of both feeling strange or hurt or distressed, we drew closer, and again had cause to realize that we both want the same things and that neither of us likes or feels good to be out of harmony with ourselves or each other.”

How To Avoid Relationship Conflicts With One Little Word “I was in a Zoom women’s group and was sharing about a technique that was discussed in a class I attended. This technique was designed to be used in situations where you are feeling responses like irritation, impatience, or anger in your relationships. The simple, yet very effective technique, is to ask yourself in such a situation, “What is important here?” This helps you to calm down and to think about where you want to put your emphasis in responding to a situation you are finding challenging. When I recounted this story, I unconsciously added a word to it. I said. “Stop, and ask yourself what is important here.” One of the women shared that hearing me say stop gave her something she could understand working with when things were getting heated in a relationship. If you stop, what are you stopping? You are stepping away from being reactive in the situation. When you stop, the very first thing you will often find is that you can breathe. In these situations, people often start holding their breath without realizing it. Stopping pulls you into the present and gives you a moment to step back from being drawn into conflict, if that’s where your mind or the other person’s behavior is going.”

How to Handle Discord in Your Relationship “As we were discussing what to share on how you can avoid this sense of separation in your relationships, this sense of disjointedness, I asked Phil what he would say to others about this, and he replied, “Don’t go there in the first place and if you’re in there, get out.” So, where is “there”? “There” is where you feel at odds with the other person, where you forget the we/us sense and lose sight of the fact of being on the same side. It’s where you stop functioning from that deep bond and instead flounder around in some confusion of the mind. This place is tinged with fear and defensiveness. How do you get out? It will be different for each person, but in every case, it involves not being attracted to this sensation of separateness. Return to your sense of surety in the connection and find your trust of that, even if you are not seeing it in the moment. It involves a practice of looking inside yourself to find out what is going on with you, rather than thinking it is about the other person.”

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By Posted on Posted in Presence, Reading, Relationships, Successful Relating Tagged with

This week, we wrote about how to keep your relationships alive through being present and aware. Here are some other posts we have written on different aspects of this topic.

Do You Give Enough Time and Attention to Your Close Relationships? “I am proposing to each person that we take some time during this next year, from now through my birthday next year, to spend some quality one-on-one time with each other. How, what and where are not important to me. What is important is that we spend the time, attention and awareness of experiencing our relationship together. No matter where we are or what we are doing, what we will be doing is stepping out of daily life just a bit to concentrate on the immediate and present experience of being together. I share this plan to make clear one of the things I have found most important in any truly deep and peaceful relationship. The key component is that you take the time to just revel in being together, in whatever form, as long as conscious presence and awareness are part of that sharing.”

Why the Essence of Connection in Your Relationships is Being Present “One of the elements that permeates our relationship is that when we are together we are present with each other. We are not only there in the physical sense, but also mentally and emotionally. I’ve been thinking about how important it is to practice presence in all relating, and how this gets lost so very often in the way people interact with each other. What does this feel like when it is there and when it is missing? I have a good friend who seems almost to have disappeared from view. When we are together, I do not feel she is actually there. She seems to be on her way somewhere else: mentally, emotionally, and even physically a bit. The flavor of my friend is still there, but the feeling of her essence being present with me, with “us”, is not. I mention “us” because this is an important component of presence in relationship. When I sit here on the couch discussing the blog topic and content with Phil, we are both acutely involved in this moment. We are here with each other and also with the “we”, the “us” as well. As we have been doing this for decades, the mutual self is quite recognizable and is present along with each of our individual selves.”

Why is Being Present in Your Relationships So Powerful? “Anchor your relationships in reality by experiencing them in the present, in the moment-to-moment interactions. When you focus on that, rather than what happened or what might happen, look at what is happening, let it in, give voice to it. This is especially useful when struggling. Stay in your body by saying “I,” and stay in the present by speaking in the present tense. Try not saying “you” at all. “I feel ignored” is so much stronger than “I felt that you ignored me” and gives you the best chance of finding the roots of the discord. If a relationship is not happening in the present, then it is only the memory of a relationship or the projection of one. Through sharing experiences, thoughts and feelings, relationships establish a sense of connection. This sense can exist in memory: “We went to Scotts Valley for our anniversary.” “We have been friends for a lifetime.” It can exist in projections of the future: “We are going to the Cliff House in November.” “We are hosting a zoom meeting on Friday.” “We are giving a pilot course early next year.” If the relationship has only a remembered past or a projected future then the sense of it exists only in your thoughts. It can be important, it can be sweet or painful or both. However, it is not something that exists outside of your mind.”

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By Posted on Posted in compromise, Reading, Relationships, Successful Relating

This week, we shared an excerpt from our book on how to find peaceful solutions without giving anything up. Here are some other posts we’ve written on alternatives to compromise.

Compromise is Not the Way to Success in Relationships “The underlying principle of compromise is that you give something up in order to get something else. It is based on the belief that because each person in a relationship is different, that the partners will have to deny their wishes in order to make their partner happy and keep peace in the relationship.
This could not be further from the truth. Difference can be experienced as enrichment, as something that gets added, rather than something which presents problems that call for sacrifice. We have found another path, one which continually surprises us with its wonderful results.”

How to Reach Agreement Without Compromise “There are many methods for solving problems and making decisions that couples employ. One of the more popular ones is compromise. This can be a good technique for avoiding conflict for many relationships. Instead of digging your heels in and refusing to yield an inch, it works by trading off. Each party gives up certain positions in exchange for achieving other goals, with each side ideally giving up roughly the same amount. This balance may apply to an individual situation or, as is more often the case, average out over a longer period.”

By Posted on Posted in compromise, Reading, Relationships, Successful Relating

This week, we wrote that there’s only one side in peaceful relationships—the same side. Here are some articles we’ve written on the topic of compromise in relationships.

How To Avoid Compromise in Your Relationship “‘Oh, what I do to keep peace in my relationship!’ This was the frequent refrain of a dear friend, and when asked further what he meant by that, he explained ‘Well it seems I’m always giving something up to keep my partner happy. Often, when we disagree on how or when or where to go or what changes to make, I seem to give up my point of view, or most of what I want, to keep her happy. To be fair, she does the same. It just seems to be a constant tug of war, with one of us the winner and one of us the loser.’ This experience of compromise is one that many people seem to have; they feel they must give up something to get something else.”

Is There a Better Way Than Compromise? “Compromise. Give a little, get a little. It’s the lubricant of relationships, the WD-40 that gets you unstuck. But let’s look at the price ticket. Someone lost out. There’s a feeling of deprivation, of being shorted. If the relationship is equitable, there’s an expectation that a favor is due on some future occasion. ‘You owe me one!’ And these favors have to be priced. Is fixing the car worth more than doing the tax returns? This is the difficulty with compromise; that you are always giving something up in order to get something else. Over time, this can build up and create a sense that you are not really ever getting what you want, leading to resentments, estrangement and a decrease in willingness to compromise.”

Why a Positive Attitude is Important to Reach a Successful Compromise “All too often, people practice ‘giving in’ to keep the peace. There are two aspects of this attitude that are important to realize. The first is that there is no true element of giving when ‘giving in’. I am reminded of a quote I often think of in viewing this kind of behavior, “There is no sacrifice in service.” The second aspect is that “giving in to keep the peace” does not create peace. In fact, it results, quite often, in the opposite. When one person in a relationship feels like they have to repeatedly give in and give up their wants or needs, it very often creates a sense of hardship. That person is left holding onto a feeling of loss. “I gave up on what I wanted to avoid arguments.” This can build up over time to a deep feeling of resentment and often results in an explosive and out of proportion response to a later situation.”

By Posted on Posted in Reading, Relationships, Successful Relating Tagged with ,

This week, we suggested that for peaceful relationships, you share your opinions but don’t be opinionated. Here are some articles we’ve written about finding solutions that work for both people.

How You Make Decisions and Find Mutual Solutions is a Pattern for Your Relationships “As you continue to apply this process to decision-making and finding solutions, the experience of how this feels and the knowledge you acquire accumulates. You recognize that place where you both feel heard, each of your wants and needs are being fulfilled, and you know the path to get there. This in turn engenders a feeling of profound peace and well-being, and a closeness of shared honesty and trust.”

Why Creating Mutual Solutions in Your Relationships Brings Peace and Joy “There is an incomparable pleasure to be found in seeking and creating mutual solutions. The very act of embarking down a path together where the adventure of mutuality awaits you, brings an experience of your connection to the forefront. This has a positive effect in and of itself. When making decisions and looking for answers to perceived problems, it is possible to find resolutions that work for both of you. It is possible to let go of having to be right, of having things your way, or of having to give something up to keep peace. In fact, these methods of separateness and denial bring anything but peace. Instead, they bring stress and a slow-building sense of distance between people.”

How to Find Peace and Harmony in Your Relationships Through Mutual Solutions “When we started looking at how we get along so well, we saw that we used a method, and we named it Our Process. It’s a way of exchanging positions and feelings that allow us to find a mutual solution – one that works for both of us.”

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