Reading Corner

Links related to the weekly posts.

 

By Posted on Posted in Reading, Relationships, Successful Relating Tagged with ,

This week, we wrote about why it’s important to treasure each person’s uniqueness in relationships. Here are a few posts we’ve written on this topic.

How Recognizing and Celebrating Uniqueness Helps Your Relationships “I was amazed by this experience as the relationship between Phil and I grew. Our values were deeply aligned and yet our way of expressing them was often quite different. I found this profoundly enriching. Here was an opportunity to see how the very same meanings and values could be differently enacted in the world. This greatly expanded my world view and understanding of what is possible. Understanding core values and at the same time realizing that they will be expressed differently by each person even if they match deeply, is a key to a peaceful conflict-free relationship. You can celebrate this variety in how they are enacted by your partner, and be enriched by their unique way of bringing your values to realization. What a gift!”

How to Embrace Differences, Not Trip Over Them “One of the biggest things to find a way to embrace within yourself is the fact that we are all unique; we are each one of a kind. Although we all share many similarities, we are all different. Many who write on the topic of relationships feel that this difference means that conflict is inevitable. From our own personal experience, we strongly disagree with this viewpoint. To change this propensity, it is necessary to learn to respond to the kind of differences our uniqueness creates in a way other than fear, conflict, feeling threatened, distancing, anger, or protectiveness. Start with relationships that are, or that you want to be, deep and close: friendships, partners, relatives. It is easier to accept these differences in those we feel close to. As you develop the experiences with them, you can move out toward those with whom you have less and less similarity.”

How To Deal With Differences In Your Relationships “An important part of looking at differences is to see their benefits. They bring diversity and broaden the possibilities available to you. They add to what you have, rather than taking away. They bring other ways to do things, see things, think about things. When you can relax and appreciate and enjoy those differences, you are expanding your view of what is possible and how to be in the world, and you can see that the two of you are more effective together than either one of you alone. Another aspect of differences is the pleasure that they offer.”

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By Posted on Posted in Reading, Relationships, Successful Relating Tagged with

This week, we wrote about why honesty is so important in creating peace in your relationships. It’s a major factor, as evidenced by the number of times we have written about it.

How Honesty Leads to Trust in Your Relationships “A relationship that is grounded in the experience of peace is a powerful support for your growth and well-being. It is so far removed from the fears and blockages that interfere with your happiness and ability to actualize your potential that it seems almost magical. It feels both extraordinary and absolutely natural. It seems to require no effort to relate in that space, to feel the sense of the connection; to feel the other person and know where to meet them. There is a strong pull in that direction. Peace is very attractive, and peaceful connections are fulfilling and alluring.”

How Total Honesty Makes For Harmonious Relationships “Total honesty is a major part of a harmonious relationship. Holding back in the sense of not presenting yourself totally means that you are not quite yourself when you’re with the other person. That produces a force that makes you want to be away from the relationship and find 100% of yourself again, even if you don’t act on it. Everybody has that need, even if it is buried deeply. To be in a relationship with total honesty is to be free of needing to scratch that itch.
That might sound scary and risky. Are you going to be criticized or thought less of? At first, that’s a distinct possibility; you have to reveal yourself progressively to see what happens. Not everybody wants or can handle honesty. You have to get to know their attitudes and level of acceptance.”

The Importance of Sharing Your Truth in Relationships “Speaking honestly and telling your truth in your relationships can be tricky. It is not just about not lying, although that is certainly a good starting point. Lying always causes distance between you and the other person, even if you are the only one who knows it. It may be because you are also concealing it from yourself, or that you feel you won’t be heard if you speak it, or that it may hurt the other person. These are all real reasons that people tell themselves for lying, either directly or by omission. Regardless of the reason, it creates distance between you and the other person. You can avoid this kind of separation in your connections by first learning your truth. For some people that is clear, while for others it is a process that requires active inner work to find. Once you know it, you will need to find the proper time, language, and tone of voice to communicate that truth. You can just blurt it out without thinking about these things, but that is rarely successful.”

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By Posted on Posted in Core Values, Reading, Relationships, Successful Relating

This week, we wrote about why knowing your values is so important for all your relationships. Here are some posts we’ve written about core values.

Why You Need To Know Your Core Values “The point of view that you function from can act to further or hinder the peace that you experience with another. You can choose, for example, to come from the assumption of goodwill, that you and the other person are on the same side, and that there is a connection of support where each wants the best for the other. Or you can assume that you have to be on guard and ready to defend yourself and that you are both separate entities with competing needs and wants. Recently a reader of our blog shared this comment, “I really needed to get this message today because I was tempted to interpret someone’s actions as antagonistic. I was at a crossroad when I read your words and then I could see that I was just assuming the worst.” As you grow, you gain more skill in how you approach your relationships. It is very helpful if, when you start to get a feeling that something is off in a situation, to look inside yourself before pointing the finger at the other person. Ask yourself, “Is this the way I am looking at the situation or is there something there that doesn’t fit with my inner sense of the right path?”

How to Create Peace in Relationships and Life by Knowing Your Core Values “Understanding core values and learning what yours are is foundational to the process we teach for creating peaceful harmonious relationships. We differentiate values from wants and needs on a spectrum of ever-increasing importance. This scale starts with wants which are the most ephemeral, moves through needs which are sometimes difficult to differentiate from values, and then to values which rarely change, even when you formulate them in different words or images. Your core values are those upon which you base your life, your actions and decisions, even when you are not clearly aware of what they are. This can occur because values are often felt rather than thought, and as a result you may not have actually put them into words for yourself. And yet they are so critical to your life, inner peace, and all your relationships. A knowledge and understanding of what yours are can be a great tool for creating mutual solutions to disagreements and misunderstandings in your relationships, as well as finding a more fulfilling way of applying them to what you do and how you do it in your life. We recommend setting aside time to take a deep dive into what yours are and formulating them for yourself. When you have done this, it will give you the opportunity to reflect on whether and how you put them into action.”

What Important Core Values Underlie Your Relationship Wants And Needs? “We have often discussed core values and how they are critical to any successful relationships: partnerships, friendships, mates. If you understand what your basic and fundamental ones are, your deal breakers, and spend time exploring them, this will become your greatest tool for finding mutual decisions and solutions, and will even help you to relate to those who appear to have different values than you do. How can you do that?”

By Posted on Posted in Peace, Reading, Relationships, Successful Relating Tagged with ,

This week, we wrote about how to create truly peaceful relationships. Here are a few of our posts on that theme.

How to Remove Tension and Find Peace in Your Relationships “To meet another person in this way requires that each party feels safe from attack or power trips. There has to be the assurance of meeting as co-conspirators rather than adversaries. The give and take has to have balance and be expressive of genuine caring. Often in relationships, people feel this way but react unconsciously and more out of habit. It is important to pay attention to tone of voice and to make clear you are speaking from your own feelings and perspective, rather than absolute statements that leave no room for including the other person’s needs. This path is not difficult or out of reach for most people. It requires a belief in the possibility and a commitment to grow in the practice. The more you do it, the more attractive it becomes and the easier it is to go there. Peace is always a choice, and one you can make and practice in your deep relationships!”

What We Have Learned About Peace And Harmony Through Our Relationship “This comes in part from the experience of being totally accepted for who I am, of feeling seen, heard and acknowledged. The critical component is of acceptance of me as a separate and unique person. We have learned and continue to learn what it means to be together and connected, while not thinking that you have to have agreement with each other all the time. There is a deep sense of trust in each other that has developed; trust that we will be honest with each other, that we want goodness for each other, and that we come from a place of always thinking the best of each other. This involves being willing to look inside myself for the causes of any disagreement and being willing to see unnecessary defensiveness or any needing to be right that may be at play. Interacting with this kind of trust and honesty brings an indescribable pleasure with it; the sense of true peace and harmony. It creates an atmosphere of relaxation and calm that allows clarity to respond lovingly without anything being held back or causing distance between us. It opens a quiet space to all the positive advantages in the differences between us without any need to create sameness.”

How to Experience Peace in Your Relationships “One source of peace comes from the knowledge that we are always on the same side. You might think that we would sometimes tussle on which way to go, how to spend (or not spend) money, or any of the hundreds of things that people clash over, but we don’t. Think of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Let’s group them into physical, social, and self; for a satisfying life, people need all three. The social need is to feel connected to others, and that connection is strongest in close relationships. That is what our relationship provides for me, and it is not at odds with the other needs. My physical needs are made easier by being in a partnership, and my self-actualization needs are not in conflict with the relationship because we practice total acceptance – we recognize each other as independent people, and we move through the world both together and separately. The knowledge of being on the same side can be a sense and is also boosted by experience. Maybe you meet someone and get a good vibe from them; maybe you see over time how they behave. Whatever the route, it creates a sense of comfort, a sense of ease, a sense of security, a sense of trust.”

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By Posted on Posted in Presence, Reading, Relationships, Successful Relating Tagged with ,

This week, we wrote about how to see and be seen in your relationships. Here are some of our posts on establishing a close connection with another person.

Why it is Important to be Real With Each Other in Your Relationships “At their core, all deep relationships are an opportunity to be real with each other; both with the other person, and with yourself. You get a wonderful feeling from connections that have this as their basis. Equally, you are aware when it is lacking and feel something is missing in the relationship. How can you help create this seemingly easy, yet often complicated way of being together? What makes for that feeling? For me, this is most recognizable when I sense the other person has an actual interest in me. This includes both wanting to know what I’m experiencing and in sharing the same about themselves; specifically when they share how they are feeling rather than just what is going on.”

Why Respect and Equality are so Important in Your Relationships “When we treat each other with “due regard”, we grow toward a Golden Rule of relating. This calls for honoring others with our presence and attention, and offering them that which we most desire ourselves. The very simple interactions we all crave lie in being heard, being seen and being acknowledged as we see ourselves. And most of all, being accepted for who we are without feeling we are being asked to be who or what we are not.”

You Honor Your Relationships When You Listen With Your Heart “She spoke about being of service and knowing yourself, but the part that struck us so strongly was where she talked about the thousands of interviews she has done and that afterwards, everybody asked “How was that? How did I do?”. Even famous people like Barack Obama, George Bush and Beyoncé asked this. She concluded that everybody wants to be seen, heard, and know that they make a contribution. Once she realized this, she started listening with it in mind. Listening to each other is one of the most critical aspects of successful harmonious relationships. The concept of listening while asking yourself “What is this person sharing of importance and value to them – what is it they want to contribute?” and “How can I best let them know that I see them and hear them?” sets a very different style of listening where you are truly involved with the other person and their communication.”

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