Reading Corner

Links related to the weekly posts.

 

By Posted on Posted in compromise, Reading, Relationships, Successful Relating

This week, we wrote that there’s only one side in peaceful relationships—the same side. Here are some articles we’ve written on the topic of compromise in relationships.

How To Avoid Compromise in Your Relationship “‘Oh, what I do to keep peace in my relationship!’ This was the frequent refrain of a dear friend, and when asked further what he meant by that, he explained ‘Well it seems I’m always giving something up to keep my partner happy. Often, when we disagree on how or when or where to go or what changes to make, I seem to give up my point of view, or most of what I want, to keep her happy. To be fair, she does the same. It just seems to be a constant tug of war, with one of us the winner and one of us the loser.’ This experience of compromise is one that many people seem to have; they feel they must give up something to get something else.”

Is There a Better Way Than Compromise? “Compromise. Give a little, get a little. It’s the lubricant of relationships, the WD-40 that gets you unstuck. But let’s look at the price ticket. Someone lost out. There’s a feeling of deprivation, of being shorted. If the relationship is equitable, there’s an expectation that a favor is due on some future occasion. ‘You owe me one!’ And these favors have to be priced. Is fixing the car worth more than doing the tax returns? This is the difficulty with compromise; that you are always giving something up in order to get something else. Over time, this can build up and create a sense that you are not really ever getting what you want, leading to resentments, estrangement and a decrease in willingness to compromise.”

Why a Positive Attitude is Important to Reach a Successful Compromise “All too often, people practice ‘giving in’ to keep the peace. There are two aspects of this attitude that are important to realize. The first is that there is no true element of giving when ‘giving in’. I am reminded of a quote I often think of in viewing this kind of behavior, “There is no sacrifice in service.” The second aspect is that “giving in to keep the peace” does not create peace. In fact, it results, quite often, in the opposite. When one person in a relationship feels like they have to repeatedly give in and give up their wants or needs, it very often creates a sense of hardship. That person is left holding onto a feeling of loss. “I gave up on what I wanted to avoid arguments.” This can build up over time to a deep feeling of resentment and often results in an explosive and out of proportion response to a later situation.”

By Posted on Posted in Reading, Relationships, Successful Relating Tagged with ,

This week, we suggested that for peaceful relationships, you share your opinions but don’t be opinionated. Here are some articles we’ve written about finding solutions that work for both people.

How You Make Decisions and Find Mutual Solutions is a Pattern for Your Relationships “As you continue to apply this process to decision-making and finding solutions, the experience of how this feels and the knowledge you acquire accumulates. You recognize that place where you both feel heard, each of your wants and needs are being fulfilled, and you know the path to get there. This in turn engenders a feeling of profound peace and well-being, and a closeness of shared honesty and trust.”

Why Creating Mutual Solutions in Your Relationships Brings Peace and Joy “There is an incomparable pleasure to be found in seeking and creating mutual solutions. The very act of embarking down a path together where the adventure of mutuality awaits you, brings an experience of your connection to the forefront. This has a positive effect in and of itself. When making decisions and looking for answers to perceived problems, it is possible to find resolutions that work for both of you. It is possible to let go of having to be right, of having things your way, or of having to give something up to keep peace. In fact, these methods of separateness and denial bring anything but peace. Instead, they bring stress and a slow-building sense of distance between people.”

How to Find Peace and Harmony in Your Relationships Through Mutual Solutions “When we started looking at how we get along so well, we saw that we used a method, and we named it Our Process. It’s a way of exchanging positions and feelings that allow us to find a mutual solution – one that works for both of us.”

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This week, we asked if you give enough time and attention to your close relationships. Here are some of the articles we’ve written before on the importance of relationships and their quality.

How Hanging Out Enhances and Strengthens Your Relationships “Phil and I have, since the very early days of our relationship, set aside a time every evening to be alone with each other. We do many different activities during this time: crossword puzzles, talking, reading aloud to each other, watching movies and series and all manner of other things we come up with. It’s a retreat from the world that we have come to call our sacred space. However stressful life, work and politics have been, we are able to put those aside. But the activities are not the main thing going on. That is not the purpose. It is about giving our full attention to each other and the connection between us. It doesn’t really matter what we are involved in, as what we are really doing is reveling in being with each other, in sharing who we are and taking pleasure in the deep sense of connection we have. The feelings that arise from this experience are calming, nurturing and give us sustenance for our daily living.”

Why Making Time for Sacred Space in Your Relationship is so Important “This sweet nougat of grace is there always between us. And on this journey we have undertaken to swim within it with consciousness. As we were talking about this very center of our relationship, of all deep relationships, we looked up the meaning of sacred. Some of my favorite definitions are: blessed, something treated with great respect, consecrated, revered, spiritual, numinous. The sense of being present with each other is as strong as ever. The palpable awareness of our connection is emphasized through stepping out of our daily routines and surroundings, opening up to an unknown adventure and the quiet peace of just being together.”

Are You Open to the Sacred in Your Relationship? “Our relationship has been filled with revelations for both of us. The largest of those has been its sacred nature. We use this phrase consciously, as we came to this truth through actual experience. We call it our sacred space, a time when we set aside our involvement with the world and come together to revel in each other’s presence. You’ll find advice like this in plenty of relationship articles, usually described as spending quality time with each other.”

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By Posted on Posted in Reading, Relationships, Successful Relating

This week, we wrote about how to cut out snippiness in your relationships. We’ve written a number of posts on the issue of irritations between people and how to deal with them.

Too Snippy in Your Relationship? Cut it Out! “Being snippy. Does it serve a purpose? Is it what we really want to communicate? Is it how we want to treat our loved ones, or be treated? Most likely, we would all answer no to the questions posed. And yet, not only does this behavior continue, but we tend to do it most often in our most intimate relationships.”

How Tone of Voice Creates Peace in Your Relationships “There are so many seemingly little things that go into creating peaceful relationships. One of those is tone of voice. Be aware of yours when you are communicating. Is it snippy or even snarky? Is it communicating what you want it to? What effect does it have on the person with whom you are interacting? Peaceful relationships can come down to whether or not you speak with respect, love, and kindness in your tone of voice and basic attitude. This kind of communication creates an environment of calm, openness, and comfort. Neither of us is attracted to dissonance in our relationship. As a result, we try not to speak with a tone of denigration or disregard. Often when people do this, they are just reacting from old patterns or responding hastily without noticing the feeling that this kind of tone conveys. This kind of behavior leads to many of the problems people have.”

How to Stop Irritation Poisoning Your Relationship “Feeling irritated with your partner or friend? Such a little thing, but is it? It can often be the pea that prevents the princess from sleeping. We had an exchange yesterday over several things that caused Phil to be irritated and respond in a snippy, rejecting manner. He didn’t seem himself, and so I asked what was up, and that created an opening for him to share what he was experiencing. I was taken by surprise at his view of what had transpired, as I had a totally different version of events. This was a perfect opportunity to sort things out using a version of Our Process to discuss this experience. Neither of us is interested in being or remaining at odds, so an occurrence of this nature often offers us an opportunity to grow closer, rather than further apart. This is because we don’t carry these experiences around. We address them and figure out what is going on. I never feel attacked by what Phil shares. He is open enough and trusting enough to let me know what he is feeling and thinking.”

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This week, we wrote about how appreciation and acknowledgment open a path to peaceful relationships. Here are a few of the posts we have written on this topic.

How to Strengthen Your Relationships with Appreciation and Acknowledgment “When it comes to friends and family, beware of familiarity. We are wired to pay attention to novelty and overlook the unchanging, so do not let your appreciation fade. Look for the positive, be grateful for the goodness in your life, and say so. Giving thanks reinforces the connection between us all.”

Why Relationships Last: Acceptance, Acknowledgment, Appreciation “It is an amazing feeling when someone truly sees you, hears you, and celebrates who you are; when the feedback you receive is acknowledging, accepting, and appreciative. There is a sense of warmth and relief that comes over you and a calm relaxation that engulfs you when you are offered this gift. This is the actual experience of peace that descends upon you when interactions are devoid of criticism, rejection, or attempts to change you. There is a similar experience of peacefulness within you when you can accept, acknowledge and appreciate the uniqueness, the otherness of someone you are relating to. When you approach them with this attitude, it changes you. When you experience actions or statements that are different from the way you usually act and can still recognize the commonality, it is transformative.”

3 Things That Every Person Wants in Their Relationships “In any relationship, it is important to be accepted for who we are, to be appreciated for who we are, and to be acknowledged for who we are. Most relationships will blossom when they have this group of responses as an underpinning. Let’s take a look at each one and what it means. Acceptance is the recognition of the uniqueness of the other person, that each of us is a totally different individual. Approach this difference as something good, not threatening, with the understanding that it is in fact enriching. Appreciation comes when you flip any negative association with difference and instead celebrate it. It contains the feeling that you treasure who the other person is, and that it widens your world to get to know them deeply. Acknowledgment is when you communicate to the other person that you see them, like the famous words in the film Avatar. You let them know that you truly see them and that who they are brings you joy and adds to who you are.”

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