Reading Corner

Links related to the weekly posts.

 

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In this week’s blog, we wrote that gratefulness expands your relationship and your world. These articles have some interesting research results about gratitude.

Is Gratitude the Antidote to Relationship Failure? “I had one goal when I started graduate school five years ago – to understand why some romantic relationships thrive while others fail. I also had one primary hypothesis – relationships fail when partners begin to take each other for granted. And I thought: if taking each other for granted is the poison, maybe gratitude is the antidote.”

This Is How A Little Gratitude Can Save Your Relationship “When both partners focus on what the other isn’t doing and take each other for granted, the relationship is filled with resentment, frustration, and bitterness. The truth is, a good relationship starts with you. When you bring positivity and happiness into the relationship, your partner will rise up to match and then your relationship will flourish.”

How to Build a Strong Relationship: Express Gratitude “Expressing gratitude has captured the interest of many social psychologists, and they’ve shown its powerful effects across a range of studies and types of relationships. In essence, gratitude is when you acknowledge and appreciate the things that are valuable and meaningful to you. In general, gratitude is good for you. Research has shown that feeling grateful is related to optimism, physical health, positive mood, better sleep, and feeling more connected to other people. Gratitude is also related to reduced materialism and overall satisfaction with life.”

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In this week’s blog, we wrote about balancing togetherness and individuality in a relationship. These articles echo our position, and have some interesting stories.

The Importance of Thinking Separately in Your Relationships ““We have to be on the same page.” “You’ll never 100 percent agree with me.” “We’ll never see eye to eye.” How many times have you heard things like that from the people you love? Many of us believe that in order to get along with the people we care about, we need to have similar ideas, opinions, religions, and political affiliations.”

Individuality And Togetherness “… Before all of this started, I had thought that my husband and I had one of the healthiest, happiest relationships that I knew of. And maybe we do. But I was able to see some emotional fusion that I had not before. He was breaking out of our normal relationship pattern by following his own directive, as Schnarch might say. This change scared me. What if I started doing everything I wanted without consider his feelings and needs? Surely we would split up. This was fear talking.”

Balancing Togetherness and Individuality “Mutuality is one of the most important aspects of marriage success. But how do you become part of a couple while maintaining a strong sense of yourself? How do you manage your need for time together and time apart? And what do you do if you and your partner have different ideas of how much time to spend together? How much time together is enough? Is there such a thing as too much togetherness? Is there a way to maintain closeness even when your work life is especially demanding of your time and attention, perhaps including prolonged separations?”

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In this week’s blog, we wrote about maintaining presence in the face of adversity. Here are some articles on different aspects of presence.

Living in the Moment of Your Relationship “First off, forgive yourself for failing to live in the Now now and again (or often). We all do it. Next, talk to your partner about this and see if you can make a shared decision to try to live in the moment and appreciate the gifts of your relationship more often. Do this without stress or urgency or blame (the Now is peaceful and blame-free…stress and blame are by-products of past/future thinking). Try to see this as something to be, rather than something to do.”

6 Simple Ways To Be More Present In Your Relationships “Life can pass by at a dizzying pace. If we aren’t conscious of being present, we can miss a lot in the moment. Mindfulness dictates we do the opposite. By being present, we see opportunity. Mindfulness also allows us to enjoy sacred moments with our loved ones, and results in less stress and more rejuvenation. But how do you slow down in a world that urges you to keep up with its disorienting speed? Here are six suggestions to practice more presence.”

Tara Brach & Jack Kornfield on Space for Adversity “Dr. Jack Kornfield and Dr. Tara Brach show how to use Mindful Presence to help fill up The Hole in Me. In fact this is key to emotional health for everyone, no matter how well we feel (or think we feel).”

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In this week’s blog, we wrote about how to solve differences from a place of mutuality. Here are a number of articles on listening and being heard.

Listen Up: Why You Don’t Feel Heard in Your Relationship “Solid, healthy communication is essential in any relationship because it’s the pathway to intimacy. When we talk and share our feelings, we feel closer to others and often get our needs met. However, talking is only half of the equation when it comes to good communication. The other half is listening.”

Simple Ways to Make Your Partner Feel Heard and Understood “When you make your partner feel heard and (better) understood, then you will live in a space with a lot more peace. On the other hand, there’s the dark side. If your partner feels like she’s not getting through, the friction is endless. The unheard spouse repeats herself, “nags,” lowers expectations, or eventually shuts down. If a spouse feels like nothing they say sticks, then why bother talking at all?”

Response Options to Someone Who Doesn’t Hear You “From this, feeling heard well enough means “I perceive that (a) you understand what I think, feel, and need right now, and (b) you respect both of us equally.” Anything less than this is listening. Does this help to explain why people frustrate each other by saying “You’re not listening to (hearing) me!” “Yes I AM!” How many average adults and kids do you think are aware of what you just read?”

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In this week’s blog, we wrote about the actual experience of peace in relationships. Here are two articles and a video that shed light on this topic.

What Does Peace Mean? Peace means different things to different people and cultures. Columbian College faculty members from a cross section of disciplines were asked to define what peace means to them. Here’s how they responded.

Peace, True Love…. and Cryptography (Video) Turing Award winner Martin Hellman, along with his wife Dorothie, discuss their book, “A New Map for Relationships: Creating True Love at Home & Peace on the Planet,” and how they went from being madly in love at first, to heading for divorce, then madly in love again–explaining how the same lessons they had to learn in their marriage can help avert worldwide catastrophes such as global warming and nuclear war. We have this book and recommend it, and will be doing a Friday Feature on it.

Meditate and Experience Wholeness “Through superconscious meditation, we are able to guide our attention and awareness to consciously rest in our essential, unbounded, spiritual nature—that which is full, whole, and complete. The experience we have of our essential nature is the experience of inner peace. This inner peace is the peace of the soul, which is whole; it is sufficient unto itself.”