Reading Corner

Links related to the weekly posts.

 

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This week, Phil said that we’ve written about relationships every week for 15 years. Here are some articles about our writing.

What Does it Feel Like to Experience Peace in Your Relationships? “Hi, Phil and Maude here. We sit down each week and talk about how we are, or how our week has been and how we navigated it, and out of that comes a post. We look for a particular angle or a new way to express how we are, but in the end, it’s just us talking about what it is to experience peace.”

How the Play Between Words and Feelings Affects Your Relationships “Besides writing with Maude, I also write independently on Substack. Maude is away on a trip for a few weeks, so I want to describe some ideas of mine and explain how they apply to relationships. I’ve been thinking about language and how it has captured our attention. Many moons ago, we lived quite successfully without language, but once it was developed, we created ideas about the world far beyond what our senses could tell us. From the Greeks through the scientific revolution, we have come up with ideas about germs, atoms, electromagnetism and much more that we have used to construct society as we know it today. But let us be clear about language. Words are not the world; they are only labels for it, yet they are so powerful that our attention works almost exclusively with them. When we become aware of sensations or feelings, we find words to describe them, and in that way, we incorporate them into our verbal world.”

How Radical Non-Interference Makes Our Relationship Feel So Peaceful ” To write these posts, we hang out at night and jam on how we are and what we’ve been doing, and try to describe our connection in ways that we haven’t used before. It’s difficult because how we are is a sense before it becomes words. When we’re lucky, we come up with a description that goes beyond our common portrayal as peaceful and uses other words. Last night’s conversation went into an area that we don’t find other people writing about, so you might find it esoteric. I’ll put it out here in the hope that you might have a brief glimpse of what is possible. It started with the fact that Maude is going on a 2-week cruise with her brother and sister-in-law, and when she described this to other people, they all assumed I would be going, too. Nothing like that even crossed our minds. That is her trip, and it’s not my style at all. This led to a conversation about the peculiar sense we have of both being completely autonomous and also connected in a very deep way.”

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This week, we wrote about how your connections expand your world beyond yourself. Here are some previous posts on the topic of connections from different points of view.

How Relationships and Community Fulfill the Same Need for Connection “In this culture, there is a strong focus on the individual. It is your responsibility to take care of yourself, to stay alive, to plan for the future. And yet, we are not a solitary species; we are a social species who need each other to survive. This is an intrinsic part of our nature, and connecting with others fills a deep longing. Personal relationships also fulfill the same need for connection. Of course, you have to be open to sharing yourself and open to accepting the other person as they are, appreciating the shock of difference and enjoying the recognition of similarity. Easy to say, harder to do, as we all have our own ideas about how things should be. Letting go of that need to control is the key to being open and connecting. The more you can do that, the more that itch for connection gets scratched.”

Why Communicating Strengthens the Connection in Your Relationships “Last night Phil and I were sitting together, and we started talking about how each of us was feeling. The conversation wasn’t about anything big or life-changing. It turned out that neither of us was feeling really right, but it was a kind of diffuse, hard to locate and describe sensation. Both of us felt a bit at odds, off-center. These feelings had nothing to do with each other, except that each of us had similar feelings within ourselves. As we talked and shared, something different began to emerge. While each of us strove to put into words the experience we were having, something shifted for both of us. Reaching out and sharing with each other, as well as using words to catch the elusive sensations each of us had, transformed how we felt. It happened slowly, and almost without notice. It emphasized for both of us just how important talking with each other is, even when we are not trying to solve anything or make decisions.”

Why Being in Continuous Connection is Vital for Peaceful Relationships “What we are trying to do in these posts is to describe how we are in as much detail as possible so that you, dear readers, can share our experience of living in peace. We have said before that this happens because we are on the same side, and these words offer a vivid image, but how does that actually happen? It comes from our sense of connection, and this is very much a sense; something that I do not question any more than I question the fact that I am sitting here typing. Let’s talk about the Grand Canyon. Having seen it, you would not later confuse it with Bryce Canyon, and similarly, once you know someone, you do not confuse them with someone else; they are unique, just as the Grand Canyon is. This knowledge of another is a sense of who they are. My sense of Maude is of openness, caring, and sharing. It makes it easy to be with her. You may call this grace or luck, but there is also an intentionality about how we are together. We know what to avoid, and that is being rude, being short, being catty, being disconnected, out of reach, snippy. It is (relatively) easy to avoid those attitudes because I know her essential goodness; such criticism would not be justified. And how do I know? To repeat myself, I have a sense of who she is that comes from (or maybe is) our sense of connection.”

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This week, we wrote about how to turn your relationship into a creative adventure. Although none of the following posts are written solely about creativity, they all discuss it as part of the topic.

Play is How to Add Peace Within Your Relationships “The society we live in is one that pushes achievement and busyness over everything. The U.S. has the shortest amount of paid vacation time from work, and there are many jobs where there is none. People often feel a sense of guilt if they take time out to play, rest, and relax. Yet, it has been proven that play is vital to your health and well-being and your optimum brain function. Many of you are familiar with Julia Cameron’s work in The Artist’s Way series of books. She describes a path toward optimum creativity, which involves something called morning pages, and taking at least a two-hour play date every week. I have known many individuals and groups who have done this program, and in each of the cases, people have shared how difficult it was for them to find the time to do the play date with themselves. Only two hours a week, and people have difficulty finding the time! As with many things, you need to first apply this to yourself before you can take it into your relationships. Finding ways to have leisure time and to reach out for new experiences will open paths to growth and satisfaction. The more you allow this kind of time into your life and your experiences with yourself, the more you will be able to bring that into your relationships.”

What We Have Learned About Peace And Harmony Through Our Relationship “Interacting with this kind of trust and honesty brings an indescribable pleasure with it; the sense of true peace and harmony. It creates an atmosphere of relaxation and calm that allows clarity to respond lovingly without anything being held back or causing distance between us. It opens a quiet space to all the positive advantages in the differences between us without any need to create sameness. The ease of peace brings forth creativity and laughter. It pulls us into the present with each other rather than living in our thoughts and projections about the future. These experiences have provided me with a road map for all my relationships. The more I am at ease and connect with my own inner world, the more natural it becomes to accept others. Peace is something I carry around inside and it allows me the openness to respond with love toward others without unnecessary defensiveness or protections. (unnecessary is a key word here and this is something that must be assessed in every relationship.)”

Make Sure You Pay Attention to Your Relationships “These connections are the riches of your life. Appreciate them, savor them, and when you can, keep them current. As precious as your once-every-so-often relationships are, it is those that you interact with in the present that help you work out the problems of everyday living. It is with those that you share decisions, get advice, complain, rejoice, and grow. Strangely, there is a tendency to stop seeing and appreciating that which becomes familiar. With time, you might even stop feeling and valuing the connection within your relationships. To keep those connections in the present, you have to create shared experiences and take time to just be and to relate to one another. There are many ways to do this. To bring a relationship into your current experience, you must bring it into your present life. That sense of loving connection arises because in every close relationship, there are not two, but rather three entities; each of the individuals and the relationship itself. By paying close attention, you can be aware of this, that it is not you and not the other person, but exists as a fusion of what each of you brings. This is a thing to cherish and to nurture. Be active in feeding your relationships. Connections that are steeped in truth and the sharing of your inner spirit bring with them calm, joy, and strength to meet the challenges of everyday life.”

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This week, we wrote about why appreciation and acknowledgment are vital to joyful relationships. This is a topic that we find very important; here are some other posts describing the same topic in different words.

How Appreciation and Acknowledgment Open a Path to Peaceful Relationships “To appreciate another person takes a decision to approach them with awareness. It requires being conscious of the other person, and not just being wrapped up in yourself and what you are mentally busy with. You have to be observing with attention and be interested. Appreciation involves listening and being open to finding out more about what that person is feeling and thinking. What do they value? What special insight do they have? What brings them joy? This kind of awareness is colored by the intention of generosity; generosity of spirit. You look for the best with open eyes and heart. What’s important is that you are actually looking. By being present with this kind of awareness, you gain much from the connection. You enter another world and find the treasures therein. This is the kind of experience that appreciation for another gives to the ones doing the appreciating.”

How to Strengthen Your Relationships with Appreciation and Acknowledgment “I had an experience the other day that brought up for me just how meaningful it can be to let another person know that you see them and appreciate them. I was texting back and forth with a friend, when all of a sudden, right in the midst of a rather mundane text about little things we were sharing, she wrote “I just have to tell you how much I relish that you’re in my life.” It took my breath away for a moment to receive this comment. It stopped me and turned my mind to thinking about the importance of these kinds of acknowledgments. I know my friend feels this way without her saying it, but it still had a strong impact on me to hear her state it. You often presume that others know how you feel about them, especially those you are in deep intimate relationships with. And this is probably true a lot of the time. It is meaningful, regardless of this fact, to speak and show your appreciation, and never to take those you love for granted. Often you tend to become accustomed to those you share most deeply with, and you feel safe and comfortable with them. This can lead to a certain form of sleepwalking, rather than conscious recognition of the preciousness of those special connections.”

Find Joy And Peace through Appreciation And Acknowledgment ” A few days ago, we celebrated my favorite holiday, where we get together with loved ones and express our gratitude and thankfulness. The two intertwined paths that bring these feelings into a living reality are Appreciation and Acknowledgment. Flavoring your relationships with these two creates a soft, gentle energy of peace. Perhaps you say thank you for a simple act that is just a part of sharing living space, like washing the dishes, or you let a friend know that what they said helped you move forward. Regardless of how unnecessary it is to say, something very special occurs with these small acts. The other person knows that they are being seen. They feel acknowledged. Maybe your partner tells you they are so glad you are in their day, or a friend shares how much better they felt after talking with you. A warm feeling moves through you to your heart. You feel seen. You feel appreciated. There’s an inner joy you create when you tell your mother, father, sister, brother how much they mean to you, how important they have been for you. So simple, yet so profound.”

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This week, we wrote that it’s important to spend time in our relationships just enjoying being together, even when life is busy. Here are some of our writings on the importance of playing and hanging out together.

How Balancing Work, Play and Hanging Out Benefits Your Relationship “It is frequently stated that having good relationships takes work. We have spoken and written about how it takes presence, intention, belief, acceptance and a desire to find solutions that create mutuality. A critical aspect which is less frequently mentioned is play: playing together, being playful, creating space for laughter and joy. I have been talking a lot lately about an element I find missing in so many of my intimate relationships – hanging out. Some of this lack has come from the pandemic, and a pattern many of us have gotten into of connecting through online meetings or at a distance, all of which have to be scheduled to occur. We seem to have lost the art of just being with each other, the art of being together without a formalized structure. People gather to meet and eat, meet and accomplish, meet and discuss, meet and produce. Meeting just to be together seems to have fallen off the list of things seen as having value. The culture is one of being busy, ever busier in a world demanding much involvement in keeping everything functioning and moving forward.”

How Hanging Out Enhances and Strengthens Your Relationships “Phil and I have, since the very early days of our relationship, set aside a time every evening to be alone with each other. We do many different activities during this time: crossword puzzles, talking, reading aloud to each other, watching movies and series and all manner of other things we come up with. It’s a retreat from the world that we have come to call our sacred space. However stressful life, work and politics have been, we are able to put those aside. But the activities are not the main thing going on. That is not the purpose. It is about giving our full attention to each other and the connection between us. It doesn’t really matter what we are involved in, as what we are really doing is reveling in being with each other, in sharing who we are and taking pleasure in the deep sense of connection we have. The feelings that arise from this experience are calming, nurturing and give us sustenance for our daily living. If work is the things that we all have to do (whether we enjoy that or not), play is the opposite: where we let go of our obligations, act on our desires, and cavort with the world. Play has been proven to be an important factor in well-being: by relieving stress, supercharging learning and strengthening our connections to each other and the world. Playing together is a powerful tool for creating peaceful relationships.”

Why is Time for Play Important in Your Relationship? “Recently, Phil had been beating himself up for not accomplishing tasks; of wasting his time reading, relaxing, taking time out. True, it is important to watch for procrastination and all its little tricks that take us away from our important goals and accomplishments. Yet we also need to show respect for our bodies and our minds. They need time off, time out, or time in other pursuits. Individually and in our relationships we all need play time where we are not working on anything; not on progressing, not on taking care of business, and definitely not on achieving anything. We recently had a marvelous and rejuvenating few days. These were days where we stepped outside our usual patterns and day to day projects and were just together having an intimate and lovely time. We didn’t do anything big and important. We were very present with each other talking, laughing, sharing. We are not referring to date nights, trips, or other planned escapades together. Here we are referring to spontaneous, unplanned, unscheduled, open free time.”

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