Reading Corner

Links related to the weekly posts.

 

By Posted on Posted in Reading, Relationships, Successful Relating Tagged with ,

This week, we wrote about finding joy and peace through appreciation and acknowledgment. This is a favorite topic of ours; here are a few of the other posts we’ve written on it.

How Appreciation and Acknowledgment Open a Path to Peaceful Relationships “On the path toward peaceful relationships, there are two areas we want to explore today: appreciation and acknowledgment. Both of these can be mighty contributors toward peaceful and loving relating. To appreciate another person takes a decision to approach them with awareness. It requires being conscious of the other person, and not just being wrapped up in yourself and what you are mentally busy with. You have to be observing with attention and be interested. Appreciation involves listening and being open to finding out more about what that person is feeling and thinking. What do they value? What special insight do they have? What brings them joy? This kind of awareness is colored by the intention of generosity; generosity of spirit. You look for the best with open eyes and heart. What’s important is that you are actually looking. By being present with this kind of awareness, you gain much from the connection. You enter another world and find the treasures therein. This is the kind of experience that appreciation for another gives to the ones doing the appreciating.”

How to Strengthen Your Relationships with Appreciation and Acknowledgment “Being appreciative changes you, but it is by expressing it that you do your small part in changing society. How many people made those jeans you are wearing? Who dug the ore for those copper rivets? How did that banana get from Latin America to your plate? Everything is a miracle of cooperation. You can’t thank everyone involved, but you can thank the people with whom you interact: the sales clerk, the bus driver, the help desk. Even if they are sullen, recognize their contribution and thank them. In that way, they will feel seen, appreciated, and part of society, not just a cog in the machine. When it comes to friends and family, beware of familiarity. We are wired to pay attention to novelty and overlook the unchanging, so do not let your appreciation fade. Look for the positive, be grateful for the goodness in your life, and say so. Giving thanks reinforces the connection between us all.”

The Power of Seeing and Being Seen in Your Relationships “There’s a very distinct sensation associated with truly being seen, and this can happen in two different ways. One is when a person acknowledges you for something about yourself that you value and treasure, perhaps even something you feel within you but do not talk about. It is a moment that stops time and focuses your attention on the other person in a very new way. The knowledge that they are really looking at you and giving you their presence and attention enough to ‘get you’ forms bonds that are well-nigh unbreakable. The other part of being seen is when someone shares with you that they see you having skills or behaviors that you have not observed in yourself. And yet, perhaps, it doesn’t sound totally strange or foreign to you. You can somehow identify with it or recognize it slightly, but you don’t really see it till you get it reflected back. After rolling it around for a bit, you may even be led to look at yourself that way. Or, you may be pulled to grow toward that image of you the other person has given you. “Hmm, is that really me? I hadn’t thought of myself that way, or ever heard that from someone about myself. But, I can see that may be true.”

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This week, we asked why your core values are important for having peaceful relationships. This is a core aspect (groan) of relationships, and we have written about various aspects of this a number of times.

Why You Need To Know Your Core Values “The way you look at things is often reflective of your core values. Understanding core values and learning what yours are is foundational to creating peaceful harmonious relationships. The more you are aware of those values and can bring your approach to interactions in line with them, the truer you will be to yourself and the feeling of inner peace that brings. Your core values are those upon which you base your life, your actions and decisions, even when you are not clearly aware of what they are. This can occur because values are often felt rather than thought, and as a result, you may not have put them into words for yourself. And yet they are so critical to your life, inner peace, and all your relationships.”

Why Are Core Values Important in All Your Relationships? “Some of these values are so intrinsic to who you are and how you want to be that they underlie everything that you do and decide. They are your core values; how things should be in life. They affect how you feel and respond to other people. Core values are not beliefs; they underlie beliefs. They affect how you behave, the way you respond to others, and how you make decisions. They’re the areas that most represent who you are and what has true meaning for you in life. Core values, just like emotions, are felt, not thought. It’s a deep sense that you have, and then you find words to describe the feeling. It’s often hard to see core values because they’re difficult to distinguish from so many other values that we inherit from family, acquire through friends, adopt through society or buy into through advertising.”

How to Create Peace in Relationships and Life by Knowing Your Core Values “Understanding core values and learning what yours are is foundational to the process we teach for creating peaceful harmonious relationships. We differentiate values from wants and needs on a spectrum of ever-increasing importance. This scale starts with wants which are the most ephemeral, moves through needs which are sometimes difficult to differentiate from values, and then to values which rarely change, even when you formulate them in different words or images. Your core values are those upon which you base your life, your actions and decisions, even when you are not clearly aware of what they are. This can occur because values are often felt rather than thought, and as a result you may not have actually put them into words for yourself. And yet they are so critical to your life, inner peace, and all your relationships. A knowledge and understanding of what yours are can be a great tool for creating mutual solutions to disagreements and misunderstandings in your relationships, as well as finding a more fulfilling way of applying them to what you do and how you do it in your life. We recommend setting aside time to take a deep dive into what yours are and formulating them for yourself. When you have done this, it will give you the opportunity to reflect on whether and how you put them into action.”

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This week, we said that you should replace “You’re wrong” with “I love you” and see what happens. It is about not judging people, but instead, accepting them. Here are some other posts on the importance of acknowledging how other people are.

How Acceptance is the Best Path to a Peaceful Relationship “As with most things that are important to practice in relationships, a true understanding of the importance and meaning of acceptance originates with inner examination. When you come to accept and work with your own imperfections, it leads you to have a greater understanding of those of others. At the same time, an honest, non-judgmental view of yourself, your uniqueness and the special potentials that you possess, help you to embrace others in the same manner. All peaceful relationships are based on a deep respect for and honoring of differences and methods of expression. This is a kind of peace you can apply in a general way to all brothers and sisters; to all of us who make up the human species. For many, it can be extended to all living things.”

How to Greet the Differences in Your Relationships as Blessings “I am feeling so blessed today marveling at the relationships I have where we share the same meanings and values while each of us is so unique. Our uniqueness leads us to find entirely different ways to express and activate those very core values.”

Embracing Acceptance: How to Let Go of Annoyances in Relationships “Differences can be a great enrichment to our lives. When you have deep relationships where love, trust and truth create a safe, nonthreatening and nonjudgmental environment, then both parties can feel free to show who they are in their full array of feelings, thoughts and intentions. It can be so inspiring to see your very same values manifested in ways you would never think of and that add so much to your world. It is like when someone has cataract surgery and all of a sudden they can see full color without the filmy sepia that is present before the surgery. We know our own way of living and spreading our values and meanings, and when others can fully share themselves and their way of living those same values freely, without any attempt on our part to alter or change them, we suddenly gain a rainbow of color that we cannot manifest on our own.” So let’s assume that you wish to have peaceful relationships, where your exchanges support and stimulate each other. You may not achieve this all the time, but that is your basic intent. Then, it is worthwhile to examine and realize that you have a choice. The path toward picking a meaningful response is to be thoughtful rather than reactive. In another post on this issue, we suggested stopping and asking yourself, “What is important here?”. When I find myself ready to react with a snarky tone of voice or a provocative retort, I like to think about what is of meaning and value to me. Just venting doesn’t do anything for me, it usually makes me feel worse. And as Phil suggested, I’ll only have to go back and fix it later. This is a good opportunity for me to reflect upon what the value is for me in the exchange, and what is going on inside me that leads me to react so differently. So many challenging conversations can be turned into loving interactions by going for the value rather than the flash reaction. That kind of response usually serves no purpose other than to disturb the peace. I’m not talking about “keeping the peace at all costs”, but rather being peaceful within, as well as in my interactions.”

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This week we wrote that in a relationship, sometimes just being there is everything. There are many aspects to being there for someone; here are some posts we’ve written about that.

You Can’t Love If You’re Not There: Why Presence Matters “So when you are with someone, by all means, share with them what happened and plans for the future, but also take in the sense of being with another person, because this is a deep need that we all have. To do that, look or listen or feel for the stillness. Which doesn’t mean not allowing yourself to move; it means not doing anything, it means just hanging out. Being present like this with someone involves two things. One is paying attention to their words, their pauses, their tone, their body language, and not being distracted by what else is going on in the environment or what you have coming up later in the day. The other is paying attention to what is happening within yourself – your breath, tension, feelings, and thoughts. Just observe them rather than holding on to them. It’s about doing nothing, of just being on a fairground ride, letting it take you on its journey.”

Why You Need a Balance of Being and Doing in Your Relationships “A relationship also consists of being and doing. The doing is obvious, from the walks on the beach that decorate online profiles to taking the kids to the dentist. But a relationship is more that that; it is a mystical connection between people, and when you set aside all that activity, the being is revealed, the sense of yourself and the other person. Just as the Artist Date grounds and revivifies us, so does paying attention to the experience of being with another person; it feeds our need for connection, it gives a sense of being that is greater than our island self. There is a balance between being and doing – you probably don’t want to be that person who never gets anything done. You need balance in your own life, and you need a similar balance of being and doing to make a thriving relationship.”

Why the Essence of Connection in Your Relationships is Being Present “This kind of presence has many aspects to it. It involves awareness, intention, purpose, willingness, peace, stillness, availability, openness. It is associated with not having a pre-planned agenda. We may have an outer description of what we are doing; writing, walking, eating, traveling, but once we are together it is an adventure into the unknown. Feeling connected to another is dependent on them being there, not necessarily physically, but with their core self. Physical presence and contact adds much to the sense of connection, but Covid has taught us that we can truly have deep relationships at a distance if we practice presence. I was in a Zoom class with a mid-size group this weekend and felt deeply connected to them all. It gave me quite a jolt to notice how much we felt together even though people were attending from around the world. Someone pointed this out and everyone agreed that after meeting for several weeks in both the larger group and in smaller breakout sessions, there was a noticeable sense of being connected – of being present with each other.”

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This week, we asked what’s that special connection in peaceful relationships about? It comes from a shared reality. Here are a few links to posts of the past that touch on this topic.

A True Connection Between People Brings Peace and Joy
PHIL: What I find interesting is that you have an experience of the event, the change, whatever. And I have a completely different description of it, but when I say it, you go, Oh I can see that. Am I right?
MAUDE: Yes, that’s what I’m saying. I wouldn’t have said it in those words, but it is what I felt, right?
PHIL: And when you describe what it was for you, it fits with what I am saying.
MAUDE: It’s a recognizable thing. So, even though these two stories sounded so different, they actually were the same thing; just my words and yours were different. I didn’t know your side; I just knew what I was experiencing. As you were describing your change in behavior, my thoughts were on the joy and pleasure that actual connection brings.
PHIL: Yeah, I’m struggling to put words on what the sense of this is. It’s a sense of being with you. That we are on the same page, that we’re grokking something and each other together. We’re in touch with the same sense of peace. Lots of phrases like that. I’m sorry to come up with only cliches. This feeling is so nonverbal because it is the experience of meeting you.”

Musings on the Anniversary of our Meeting “Phil created a private site online where we could write to each other, and for two years we examined the main ingredients that went into this strangely harmonious relationship. We were surprised to find over and over that we were both experiencing the same thing and could describe it in such similar terms. At the end of that time, we decided to put these writings together under a few major themes and share them in a little personal book. The idea was simply to say “This is happening with us and therefore we know it is possible. If it’s possible for us, it can be possible for others as well. Take a look and see if it might lead you to find your way to having a peaceful relationship.” And right there our project was born: spreading peace one relationship at a time.”

What Important Secrets Can We Learn From Animals About Relationships? “Animals sense our emotions and respond with love, comfort and acceptance. We receive a profound sense of being seen, felt, heard and even clearly acknowledged. They offer physical reassurance and freely given love, as well as the chance to care for them and to receive uncomplicated loyalty. To say it directly, they offer complete and unfettered loving presence. It is these aspects that have led me to want to write about this in our blog on peaceful harmonious relationships. We too can offer these things in all our relationships: love, comfort and acceptance, as well as hearing, seeing and acknowledging each other. Most of all we can give the gift of our presence; a presence that asks nothing and seeks nothing but the chance to be there for each other. We can offer the warmth of our physical presence, a silent shared witnessing of what each of us is experiencing and the willingness to be there with our full selves. In this, as in in many other areas, we can learn much from our animal friends.”

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