Reading Corner

Links related to the weekly posts.

 

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This week, we wrote about how to stop playing the blame game and actually feel peaceful. Here are some previous posts on different aspects of how to deal with blame in your relationships.

How to Avoid Reacting With Blame and Anger in Your Relationships “Go within and look at your response. Look at the blame and the feelings attached to it. What are they telling you? Are they about you or the other person? This creates a special kind of honesty with yourself and consequently enables you to communicate about your thoughts and feelings more honestly; you can’t communicate what you don’t realize. This can be an act of self-discovery that leads you to a more peaceful way of relating in your close relationships. We recommend practicing with those you are close with before moving out further to less connected relationships. As you get better at the practice, stretch out a little more with that same view toward learning about what your responses to others are about. If you don’t do this, you are likely to be reactive, a victim of your own unexplored emotions. This often leads to anger, recriminations and blame. The result is to be preoccupied with the other person, and the uncomfortable feelings that you think they are responsible for.”

How to Replace Blame With Honesty in Your Relationships “What I have learned is that, when I have strong responses to interactions in our relationship, it is important for me to look inside myself. It is an opportunity for me to understand myself better and to find out what is happening within me. It gives me a chance to process my feelings and see what is moving me. It also makes it very clear that whatever I am feeling and thinking, it is about me and not about Phil. This stops me from focusing on him, his words or actions. This is true for any deep relationship. So often, when people have strong responses, they speak without this action of looking within. The results are fraught with the path to blame, anger, recrimination, and disappointment. The charge of the feelings gets shot at the other person, instead of providing fertile ground for self-inquiry and realization.”

The Secret to a Peaceful Relationship is Realizing You’re on the Same Side “It’s easy for us to say that and expect people to go, “Oh, that makes sense; from now on, we’ll be on the same side,” so I want to describe in as much detail as possible what makes for the feeling that you are on the same side. Firstly, you have to believe that peaceful relationships are possible. Don’t fall for the argument that they are only peaceful because problems are being avoided. This is a common viewpoint in society*. Then you have to want to be in a peaceful relationship, and for that to happen, you both need to understand that you are on the same side. How to do this? The first step is to recognize the moment of separation, the feel of struggle, and not let that happen. There are two parts to this: the first is to recognize that it is happening; that requires awareness of your reaction. Only with awareness do you have the opportunity to choose how you respond. I’m not saying suppress your reaction; I’m saying react differently. Language can help with this. Speak in the first person, say what is happening with you. This is very powerful; it avoids blame, accusations, counter-attacks, and it also exposes you, makes you visible, opens you up. Another language trick is to speak in the present tense. This avoids blame and expectations, and focuses on feelings – what is happening in your body right now.”

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This week, Phil wrote on how the play between words and feelings affects your relationships. Here are some posts that discuss some of the aspects of this topic.

Why Language is the Human Superpower “More than fire, more than the wheel, language has enabled humans to dominate the earth. Earlier life responded to the world with reflexes, then emotions, then thoughts, but it was the human invention of language that turned thinking into a superpower. It started by using words for things we could point at: objects like apples, actions like running, and interior experiences like sadness. These words were reused as metaphors to explain the world, and new words were coined for categories like fruit, color, and time.”

How Relationships are Your Path Toward Growth “In the last few years, I’ve been thinking about how language is a relatively recent invention, and its benefits have been so great that we use it for all our interactions with the world. Before language, we used senses, instincts, feelings, intuitions to survive in the world (and successfully so, or else we wouldn’t be here.) All of those responses still exist, but I (and most other people, I think) only pay attention to the verbal half. Isn’t this fascinating! There is a whole other part of me that influences my life that I don’t pay attention to. Sure, this is not an original insight; Freud, Kahneman, and others have written about this, but I find the verbal/nonverbal divide a useful way to think about it. To understand my other side, I must move my attention away from words, and what I find, I cannot (by definition) even speak about. The best I can do is use words to point.”

Rely on Relationships to Stay Sane in an Insane World “Another way to handle stress is through your relationships. I’d like to talk about this by starting with what may seem a strange subject: language. Humans used to survive quite well without it, thank you (or we wouldn’t be here.) Language gave us a way to capture our thinking and reach conclusions that did not always reflect our senses and emotions. It has been so effective that our consciousness operates almost completely in the verbal arena. Senses and emotions that arise are labeled and incorporated into that arena; if they are not labeled, they are effectively invisible to our normal verbal consciousness. In a relationship, any relationship, we connect through language. In a casual encounter, we hide a part of ourselves by saying what is socially acceptable; in closer relationships, we share ourselves, our ideas and our views. Just think how magical this is: an idea in my head can appear in your head through language. But a relationship is more than words; it is also how you feel about the other person. We are born to be social; there is a natural attraction to other people. And so the nature of relationships is both verbal and nonverbal, and being aware of the nonverbal side will serve you well in these worrying times because a relationship has a reality that the news doesn’t. The news is really just words and images floating out there. But a relationship, if you pay attention to how it feels as well as what you are talking about, is a visceral experience. It can be very calming because our connections with other people are such a basic need.”

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This week, we wrote about the pleasures and importance of shared experience in your relationships. Here are some posts we’ve written in the past on various aspects of this topic.

Do You Give Enough Time and Attention to Your Close Relationships? “Setting aside special time helps to achieve this. We are all so involved in projects and life’s challenges, plus the pressures in today’s fractured world, that if you don’t make a decision to set aside time for the simple pleasure of relating, it will be relegated to those quick moments in passing. Those incidental moments are often filled with hurry, impatience, lack of presence. Placing an emphasis on the value that relationships have in your life helps you shift them from passing encounters to a central position of importance. When you acknowledge the value you place on a particular relationship by your actions and the sharing of your time and attention, it creates a deep ease between you and the other person. It is in this awareness of the meaning of each other in your life that peace becomes a partner in that relationship; defenses come down, openness abides and a sweet pleasure of seeing and being seen warms the heart.”

How to Keep Your Relationships Alive “This has led me to reflect on another aspect of peaceful relationships, and that is maintaining your awareness of the value of those connections. People often fall into habit patterns within their longer and precious relationships. There is an unconscious sense of “I know this person, and I know how we interact and what there is to give and get from this connection.” As being present and aware are vital components of any valued relationship, there is an understanding that, when practiced consciously, ensures success. As is often the case, this is simple to apply once realized. Remain aware that each such connection is a continuing exploration. Life holds nothing but change, and we can constantly grow and open, learning more of ourselves and our dear ones. As we do this, many small and larger miracles occur; conflicts and strife tend to dissolve. They get replaced by the kind of attention and interest in the other person that keeps things alive and in the present, rather than being filled with projections and preconceptions. Your busyness with self gets moderated with an experience of the relationship and the value of the interactions taking place. When you keep in mind that you are exploring together, you focus on very different things.”

Are You Open to the Sacred in Your Relationship? “A true relationship with another evokes feelings of kinship, even love and the exchange of heart energy. The very act of bridging the gap between ourselves and another is a transcendent act. We move past ourselves to the recognition that there is a self that is not us; in fact, a separate and unique individual. This understanding is the path to a relationship with the divine.
In an intimate partnership relationship, the interactions become imbued with love, respect, appreciation and above all, presence. When we are with each other, we are both fully present. As a result, each encounter is filled with the unique, with the possibility of something new; we are co-creating our experience. We approach each other with the honor accorded the sacred, not because we have made it a priority (something on a list made important by our minds), but because it is special, holy, not of the mundane. Each time we set aside time, or just encounter each other in the passing of our lives, it brings the experience of this breathtaking phenomenon – we are not the only one here, we are with another, different, and beloved.”

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This week, we asked if you are emotionally present in your relationships or just not there? Here are some of our previous posts that address this issue.

Why the Essence of Connection in Your Relationships is Being Present “One of the elements that permeates our relationship is that when we are together we are present with each other. We are not only there in the physical sense, but also mentally and emotionally. I’ve been thinking about how important it is to practice presence in all relating, and how this gets lost so very often in the way people interact with each other. This kind of presence has many aspects to it. It involves awareness, intention, purpose, willingness, peace, stillness, availability, openness. It is associated with not having a pre-planned agenda. We may have an outer description of what we are doing; writing, walking, eating, traveling, but once we are together it is an adventure into the unknown.”

Why is Being Present in Your Relationships So Powerful? “Anchor your relationships in reality by experiencing them in the present, in the moment-to-moment interactions. When you focus on that, rather than what happened or what might happen, look at what is happening, let it in, give voice to it. This is especially useful when struggling. Stay in your body by saying “I,” and stay in the present by speaking in the present tense. Try not saying “you” at all. “I feel ignored” is so much stronger than “I felt that you ignored me” and gives you the best chance of finding the roots of the discord. If a relationship is not happening in the present, then it is only the memory of a relationship or the projection of one. Through sharing experiences, thoughts and feelings, relationships establish a sense of connection. This sense can exist in memory: “We went to Scotts Valley for our anniversary.” “We have been friends for a lifetime.” It can exist in projections of the future: “We are going to the Cliff House in November.” “We are hosting a zoom meeting on Friday.” “We are giving a pilot course early next year.” If the relationship has only a remembered past or a projected future then the sense of it exists only in your thoughts. It can be important, it can be sweet or painful or both. However, it is not something that exists outside of your mind.”

How Being Creative Helps You Be More Present in Your Relationships “When you love someone, the best thing you can offer is your presence. How can you love if you are not there? Thich Nhat Hanh
All relationships are more fruitful and more harmonious when you can feel the presence of the other as a palpable reality. Most of you know and recognize this, and yet it is too easy to fall into repeated patterns of interacting, where your consciousness is elsewhere and you are on autopilot. We have found that being creative and altering what or how we do things shakes up the patterns and brings us right into the present moment. This is because people pay attention to novelty, and paying attention is being in the present. It happens even when the change is a small one. Being fully present and available creates a heightened awareness of our connection and an even stronger appreciation of each other.”

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This week, we wrote about how radical non-interference makes our relationship feel so peaceful. Here are some posts we’ve written on being both separate and together at the same time.

How To Respect Each Other’s Separateness While Being Together “For Phil and me, one part of expressing that is respecting the other person’s separate life; their individual wants and needs, thoughts and feelings, comings and goings. I don’t try to alter him to be more like me, to see or do things the way I do. As we mentioned last week, we do look for mutuality of action, seeking to find something that fits what both of us want or need. And we find rich abundance in the differences we each bring, as well as being strengthened by the similarities. This peaceful way of interacting is also a matter of respect for the other person; a respect that has to be applied in any relationship: romantic ones, friendships, and family relations. All these connections are improved when you honor each other in this way. It requires that you don’t try to make the other person into your image of them. Don’t trespass inside them.”

The We That Exists With the Separate Self “The world seems filled with darkness these days, and yet, the light shines brighter through our very real connections to each other. It radiates forth and has greater strength than any transitory, no matter how horrible, aberrations. Phil and I share these weekly posts to add to that light by writing of the beauty and potential of peaceful relationships. We have been reflecting on an element of that sweet peace that we enjoy. Perhaps you can recognize some version of it in your relationships, or find a path toward it. Our wish is to spread the calm, loving presence of that peace. Phil and I each take care of our own inner self, making sure we are as whole as we can manage. We support each other in this ongoing practice. There is no sense of invasion of my person by Phil, or vice versa. Nor is there a bleed-over: a space where part of me is him, or taken up by him. And yet, at the same time that we both feel complete within ourselves, we are fully with each other. There is an us, a we, that has a total existence, but in no way impinges upon, nor overlaps onto my separate self. This seems somewhat impossible, but it is so.”

How to Be Both Together and Separate in Your Relationship “The key to this is the ABC of Acceptance, Balance and Communication.
Acceptance
For this sort of mutuality to exist there must be a kind of total acceptance, in which each partner rests secure in the other. When this acceptance is present you can rest in the knowledge that you will not be judged, attacked or manipulated. You know in fact that you will be celebrated and appreciated for who you are. This acceptance eliminates any fear of disapproval or any threat of withdrawal of affections. It offers support for your explorations of yourself and your path without any worries about agreement or explanations. One of the things that we marvel at is that although we both pursue our individual lives and their separate expression, we never feel disconnected or estranged. We have forged such a deep bond through this experience of support and trust, that it goes with us everywhere, whether we are physically in the same place or not.
Balance
A critical part of achieving this type of loving flow between together and apart is to reach a balance of these states. Pay attention to the balance between your need to find your own destiny and the need for connection. This will be different for each partnership and will change over time as well. This is part of the grand adventure of living this type of love: keep redefining your time together, evaluate each of your needs in the present, and honor your bond with time and attention. Take time to be together no matter how busy you become in your private journey. Take time to be apart no matter how enticing that shared intimacy is.
Communication
The way to avoid getting lost in either part of this balance between self and union is to stay in the present together and communicate what is happening. Offer your partner both the freedom to fly and the security of connection. The simple act of talking with each other regularly will eliminate many an avoidable misunderstanding. Never take your partner for granted because things are so good between you that you instead put your mind to what isn’t working in your life. This is a mistake that we can all make too easily. Rejoice in your relationship and let it be your nourishment for all the mountains you need to climb in your personal work. Me’, ‘you’ and ‘us’ are all parts of a successful relationship. Foster all the parts and the whole will be a bastion of renewal and life force.”

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