Reading Corner

Links related to the weekly posts.

 

By Posted on Posted in Reading, Relationships, Successful Relating Tagged with ,

This week, we wrote that your relationship expectations make you miss what’s happening. Here are some posts that we wrote that touch on aspects of expectations.

It’s Important to Treasure Each Person’s Uniqueness in Relationships “Everybody is the same AND everybody is different. It’s hard to come to terms with such a contradiction. It’s like trying to look in two different directions at once. It means that in any relationship, there are always going to be differences. They might be achievements or failings: How do they manage to do that? Why do they think that way? Why don’t they do it like me? Are you going to let those differences bug you, or can you let go of expectations of how things ought to be. But there is a step beyond being neutral; those differences can be a source of curiosity and fascination. Isn’t it amazing that another human does things so differently? Looking at that can prompt questions that might not have otherwise occurred to you: why do you do things the way you do them?”

How Peaceful Relationships Create the Freedom to Be Yourself “For much of my life, I was called commitment-phobic across a number of relationships, and that was probably true, except that I got married once, and bought a house with someone once, so what was the source of my reluctance? Rather than lie on the couch and attempt to understand the past, it’s easier and more useful to describe the difference with Maude, and that is that she has no expectations, no demands. OK, it feels like that, but it’s not entirely true. Of course, we have expectations of each other, and we formalized those in our wedding vows, which were basically (top of my head recall here) to be open with each other. So the freedom lies within that constraint, which is no constraint at all, but a wonderful invitation, the freedom to speak and be myself. Add to that the knowledge that what Maude says is the truth; there is no hidden agenda, and these are what create a spacious place to live.”

How It’s Possible to Practice Acceptance in Your Relationships “I never survived in any other relationship for more than about three years, and yet with Maude, I’m about to hit 20 years. Much of that earlier dissatisfaction was of my own making; I had expectations about intelligence, looks, and interests that were unrealistic, but I now see there was another aspect. After those breakups, along with the loss I had a sense of finding myself again. What did I like, what did I want to do, questions that were always moderated by how they would fit with the relationship. With Maude, there is no sense of losing myself, and hence no need to make space in order to find myself again. I’m not saying that there is no caring, no doing things for or with each other; of course there is, but it is a giving, not a taking. This is a subtle point. We have tasks that we take on like changing the sheets and taking the trash out, but they never turn into expectations.”

Tagged with: ,

By Posted on Posted in Reading, Relationships, Successful Relating Tagged with , ,

This week, we wrote about why communicating strengthens the connection in your relationships. This may seem obvious, but it’s a really important point to think about. Here are some other posts we’ve written about this.

How Communicating From Your True Self Deepens Your Relationships “Although we often covered many topics, he wasn’t interested in long conversations filled with chitchat. He wanted to converse on our connection, who each of us was, and what was important to each of us. Don’t misunderstand; we laughed a lot, hiked, went out on the usual dates, and walked around our beautiful city. These all happened, and were crucial to our relationship building. Yet, what made the difference was finding out what was important to each of us, and that came through the emphasis within our communication on sharing ourselves with each other. We soon discovered that communicating on this level was a core value to both of us, and developing this style of connection was central to our movement toward one another. We were each strongly attracted to this way of being together. We bonded early over what was of meaning and value to each of us, and we built our relationship upon that foundation. This understanding was not always spoken. It was also shared through behavior and actions.”

Why Peaceful Relationships Start With This One Radical Choice “This kind of being together doesn’t work when one person is self-absorbed or withdrawn within themselves. Open communication is a prerequisite. You have to be able to bring a certain level of interest in another being: one that involves inner work and a developed consciousness that creates in you a fearless state of being present. You are able to be quietly there with your whole self, offering that presence to the other person. For those who choose to walk this path of peace, this core value will reside in both of you, even if it is not fully developed yet. The dance of learning how to live that within your relationship is a beautiful one; full of surprises, calm, gentleness, openness, and trust. It is freeing and precious.”

Communication and Individuality in a Relationship ” One such topic was respect, and another is regular contact and communication. When the relationship is filled with honoring and accepting each other, a special kind of trust and security is present. For this to exist, each partner must be willing to share their thoughts and feelings. It is important to stay in regular contact and for that contact to be intimate and totally open. When partners know their partner’s thoughts and feelings, they don’t have to make them up from their fears or insecurities. In our experiences with couples, we have found over and over that when this regular contact does not occur, the couple slowly becomes estranged, and the projections and misinterpretations that occur just deepen the rift that grows between them.”

Tagged with: , ,

By Posted on Posted in Peace, Reading, Relationships, Successful Relating Tagged with , ,

This week, Maude wrote that play is how to add peace within your relationships. Here are some of our previous posts on this topic.

How Being Playful and Just Being Together Affect Your Relationships “The need for play doesn’t change just because we “grow up”. We are all just bigger, older children. These basic needs, like the need to play, never diminish in importance for any of us, at any time in our lives. Similarly, play time is an essential part of peaceful, harmonious relationships. We need to recognize the importance of play in our relationships and find ways to incorporate it into our times together. It is important to recognize the value of time spent that’s not about achievement, but rather about just being and feeling and loving. Sharing experiences, laughing together and discovering how just being with each other feels, how just being feels, is an art we need to develop for a balanced happy life and balanced happy relationships.”

Why is Time for Play Important in Your Relationship? “Yet we also need to show respect for our bodies and our minds. They need time off, time out, or time in other pursuits. Individually and in our relationships we all need play time where we are not working on anything; not on progressing, not on taking care of business, and definitely not on achieving anything. We recently had a marvelous and rejuvenating few days. These were days where we stepped outside our usual patterns and day to day projects and were just together having an intimate and lovely time. We didn’t do anything big and important. We were very present with each other talking, laughing, sharing. We are not referring to date nights, trips, or other planned escapades together. Here we are referring to spontaneous, unplanned, unscheduled, open free time. It started when Maude suggested hanging out with each other with no goal other than that. We had each been so busy with our individual jobs and tasks or with mutual social events, that we hadn’t spent much time with each other just relaxing or having adventures. Those things that we enjoy doing separately can make us forget to spend time together, but time like that is important precisely because it doesn’t involve doing anything. It’s an opportunity to reconnect to ourselves and each other.”

The Powerful Value of Play in a Relationship “The late Dr. Karyn Purvis, Director of Texas Christian University’s Child Development Center stated, “scientists have recently determined that it takes approximately 400 repetitions to create a new synapse in the brain…unless it is done with play, in which case it takes between 10 and 20 repetitions.” Play is an experience where pleasure and learning are combined in a relatively stress-free environment. The benefits have been extolled by many scientists and educators. And yet, we are sorely put to create playtime within our lives and within our relationships. In modern society, priorities are fostered that emphasize responsibility, care-taking, accomplishment – taking care of business. We fill our time with earning a living, paying the bills, cleaning the house, shopping, taking the kids to school, picking up the grandkids. All important to our very existence. Playing has become an element that has all but disappeared from many people’s lives. Yes, people have taken up activities like regular exercise, sports, dinner dates with friends, gaming, travel. But are these the same as free-form spontaneous play?”

Tagged with: , ,

By Posted on Posted in Our Process, Reading, Relationships, Successful Relating Tagged with ,

This week, we discussed how to respect each other’s separateness while being together. Here are some of our previous posts on this topic.

Why Respect is Important for a Happy, Loving Relationship “Respect is almost an old fashioned word. We don’t speak of it often. And yet, it is one of the cornerstones of happy loving relationships. It is what we offer when we accept another’s individuality. Not just accepting, but honoring their uniqueness. We show respect by the way we treat each other: by our tone of voice, our willingness to listen, to accept the inevitable differences of personality and behavior. We show it by our love and our kindness; by the empathy we feel and the warmth, safety and comfort we give. Respect starts with empathy – from being able to put ourselves in another’s shoes. The more we can identify with them, the more this can happen. The further away from our family, the less we identify with people, and the further away from our own species, the less we identify. Polar bears beat snail darters, and we identify with plants and rocks even less.”

Why Respect is the Small Word With Big Importance in Relationships “A less frequently talked about, but equally important aspect of peaceful harmonious relationships, is respect. Respect need not be based on accomplishments or be earned. It is something we offer arising from an awareness of our kindred nature. We offer respect for each other’s uniqueness, individuality, and commonality. It is easiest to practice respect within our deepest and most intimate relationships. This is the arena in which we learn how to do this; where we can feel assured of sharing the same values, and of feeling loved and safe, making respect easier to offer. As we learn to be respectful, and to come from that premise, we will slowly be able to spread this aspect of peaceful relating to those with whom we do not share meaning and value. Even when this is the case, we share all the most basic characteristics, even with those who have not yet learned to act in a respectful manner.”

Do You Show Love and Respect in Your Relationship? “We were at one of our groups discussing relationships with a woman who is in a happy marriage of 53 years. She shared her thoughts that it is the seemingly simple things that make a marriage work. She felt that often relationship success can come down to partners speaking with respect, love and kindness in their tone of voice, and that this creates an environment for loving interactions. She asked if we have noticed how some people speak with each other, and how disrespectful, even denigrating their approach to their partner is. It was her contention that this behavior leads to many of the problems people have. We have to agree. We have seen it too frequently. One partner will be dismissive and often critical in words and tone of voice. This seems to create a defensive posture in the partner being treated this way, and often sets up an argumentative tone in the relationship, or at the very least a passive-aggressive response in the partner. How does this happen with partners who love each other and have chosen to be together? And even more important, how can this be changed?”

Tagged with: ,

By Posted on Posted in Our Process, Reading, Relationships, Successful Relating Tagged with ,

This week we said that the secret to agreement is creating something neither of you imagined. You do this by finding a mutual solution. Here are some articles we’ve written on that topic.

How to Find Mutual Solutions and Avoid Conflict “Start out sharing what you desire in this situation, speaking from the ‘I’ and then listen while your partner does the same. Slowly, the wants and needs that are associated with this desire emerge. You go deeper, sharing again in turn what is underneath this image, each time reaching closer to what it is your core wants and needs are. The trick to working through disagreements without descending into conflict is to realize that, although you want something, there is usually an underlying desire behind that want, and there are several ways to satisfy that desire. Below that desire is a deeper want, which again can be sated in a number of different ways. You’re not generally conscious of these deeper needs until you look closely. Take turns speaking and listening to each other. Speak of what you want and why you want it. As you do this the most surprising thing occurs. You find out much more about what you actually want and you hear your partner doing the same. Knowing what the other person wants, you can propose other possibilities that might work for both of you. The original images of what would satisfy you have broadened and opened. By talking back and forth and exploring what you want and why you want it, you will find more and more crossover points that you both desire, and an image begins to emerge, a solution or activity that works for both of you.”

How to Find Peace and Harmony in Your Relationships Through Mutual Solutions “In thinking about this very common point in the development of a partnership, I realized that there is something a bit backwards about how this often occurs. Instead of making these larger mutual decisions without a developed process for finding mutuality, wouldn’t it yield better results to first apply a process and way to communicate and find resolutions that truly work for both concerned? We have often shared a process that we use that does just that. It not only helps to actually find out what decision and solution will work for both of you, but it creates a loving intimacy instead of what can be a time fraught with tension. Through this process you learn more about yourself, what underlies your wants and needs and simultaneously those of your partner. You each begin to truly know each other and start to find where that place of mutuality lies. Here are three of our past blogs that cover different aspects of the topic:
How to Work Through Disagreements to Reach a Mutual Solution
How to Reach Mutual Solutions in Your Relationship
How to Find Mutual Solutions With Your Partner Phil and I have worked with this process for so long that we do it naturally now, and often arrive at the solution without ever visiting any problem. The more often you do this, the more that resolution that fits both of you becomes clear and a part of how you make plans and decisions together. You can go straight to the solution/decision together because it is such familiar territory, you know what if feels like.”

How to Find Peaceful Solutions Without Giving Anything Up “Often, when people think about the issue of acceptance, they think it is about compromise. Compromise is the act of giving up something to get something else. It assumes that there are different sides, and that one must settle in order to avoid conflict. It does not allow for the possibility that a resolution can be found, a resolution where, instead of giving up or changing something, you can create a solution that was not originally imaginable to either person. Without putting down compromise or its benefits, we are discussing a different path – one that is not about giving up on some part of yourself, your wants and perhaps even needs, but rather a path that, by acting in union, allows you to find new mutual solutions.”

Tagged with: ,