Reading Corner

Links related to the weekly posts.

 

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This week, we wrote about shifting attention from yourself to the other person. Here are some articles that highlight different aspects of doing this.

How Attentive Listening Strengthens Your Relationships “Pay attention! Listen! These seem like rather simple admonishments. And yet, so many of us find it very challenging to do so. Listening to others with an open heart and full attention seems to have become almost a lost art. I say art because it is indeed one. Many people struggle to empty their minds of all the input surrounding them daily. Screens abound, pouring forth information and challenges. In this flood of data, relationships can offer a deeply needed place for a different kind of being. Learning to listen to one another is an especially profound way of experiencing this opportunity. I recently had an encounter that reminded me of the riches to be harvested from the simple act of sitting in the stillness of listening to another person.”

How Hanging Out Enhances and Strengthens Your Relationships “It is about giving our full attention to each other and the connection between us. It doesn’t really matter what we are involved in, as what we are really doing is reveling in being with each other, in sharing who we are and taking pleasure in the deep sense of connection we have. The feelings that arise from this experience are calming, nurturing and give us sustenance for our daily living. Our evening times together are a form of play that is best described as “hanging out time.” It applies to all kinds of relationships. I find this is an art that got lost a bit during the early times of Covid and has been re-emerging for a few years through renewing in-person visiting, as well as other forms like long phone visits, Face-timing, and online hangouts. I have other relationships where we have found ways to share hangout times. I delight in my time with a few long-distance friends, where we have perfected hanging out on the phone and catching up and sharing our lives, crying, laughing and being with one another. I read a book aloud with my thirteen-year-old grandson on Facetime regularly. It’s a period when there is no one there but the two of us, and we enjoy the book, but also catch up on his life and concerns. One of my friends tells me she gets close to her grandson while driving him from one place to another when just the two of them are in the car, hanging out.”

Why It’s Important to Be Fully Present in Your Relationships “Every relationship feels entirely different when you are truly present in it. This difference can be recognized by both parties, whether consciously or unconsciously. When you have the experience of each person being present, many of the fears that people bring to relationships dissolve. The sense of having to be on your guard dissipates with mutual presence, as well as many misunderstandings, assumptions, and much of the fear of abandonment. Worries about the past as well as projections of the future do not live in this kind of shared presence. What are the qualities and behaviors of this way of being present with each other? A quality that rarely gets spoken of, and yet one that is felt keenly when it is not there, is being available; available with your whole person. This quality involves listening with interest and the intention to understand, as well as balancing that listening with sharing about yourself and your feelings. It calls for making the time to be with the relationship in this way.”

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This week, we wrote that the secret to a peaceful relationship is realizing you’re on the same side. We consider this a very basic aspect of peaceful relationships, and here are several other posts we’ve written on this topic.

How Being on the Same Side Strengthens Your Relationships “One of the joys of this approach is the sense that Maude is both different from me and also not a threat of any sort, and it is an extraordinary sense, somewhat like looking at a cat or a bird or a tree and marveling that they each have their own completely different life. But with Maude, we have our humanity in common. I see her different ways of doing and being, and this gives me an opportunity to look at how I’ve (re)acted and leads me to look deeper into who I am, and adds to the sense of myself. MAUDE: We don’t feel that tension around differences because we know we are on the same side and that we both want that best possible outcome for all. It is never “my way or the highway,” and even when handling bigger issues, we know we are going to find a way to handle things that will make both of us feel right about it.”

There’s Only One Side in Peaceful Relationships—the Same Side “Compromise is a word that has different meanings to many. It is often interpreted as a means of giving up something in order to get something else. It is used in this way in both bargaining and negotiating. A basic definition of these terms points out the nature of the issue: “Bargaining is often described as a ‘win-lose’ scenario, where one party gains at the expense of the other, whereas negotiation aims for a ‘win-win’ outcome where both parties benefit.” In each of these styles of reaching solutions, there is an implied separateness between the people. You are on one side, and the other person is on a different side. Peaceful paths require a foundational understanding that you are both on the same side. What does it mean to be on the same side? In the relationship between Phil and me, as well as my other deepest relationships, we know as a given that we always want the best for each other. We know that we share values and meanings. We may, and do, use different words to talk about the same thing. Yet there lies between us a sense of the “we” present at all times; not two sides, but our side. Always asking “what is the ‘we’ solution to this?” is the peaceful path.”

How it Helps to Remember You’re on the Same Side in Relationships “We share a process for working out differences and solving problems that creates mutual solutions; ones in which neither party gives up what is important to them and where tensions, anger or distance can dissolve. (Some links to blogs describing this process appear at the bottom.) A foundational aspect of this process is approaching each other with the firm understanding that you are on the same side. Sometimes, if distance or estrangement has occurred in your relationships, this simple recognition will change the whole nature of your exchanges. Often being on the same side involves sharing basic values: you want the best for each other, you both want to come from love not fear, you want an answer that leaves you both feeling good and getting the basics of what you want or need.”

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This week, we wrote about why being friends is such an important part of your relationships. Here are some articles from others on how vital friendship is to relationships.

Friendship: The Most Important Ingredient in a Relationship “One relationship psychologist, Dr. Gottman, said that ‘long-term vitality and connection is maintained through moments of intentional friendship.’ And research shows that this couldn’t be more true! Couples who have a strong friendship with one another are more likely to enjoy each other’s company, respect each other’s ideas, and be more forgiving of each other’s mistakes. They know so much about each other, and they still accept the other for who they are. It doesn’t matter if the friendship is formed before or after the romantic relationship begins. But it is incredibly common for romance to blossom from friendship. In fact, it’s estimated that roughly 40% of couples were friends before evolving into a romantic relationship.”

Building a Meaningful Friendship with Your Partner “Friendship love refers to a bond of affection and companionship toward another person based on dimensions of camaraderie, such as shared interests or similar ideals. It’s the love you have for another person when romantic feelings aren’t a factor (even if they’re present). Though friendship love is sometimes used interchangeably with “platonic” love, Lynn Zakeri, a licensed clinical social worker from Chicago, explained the two aren’t exactly identical. Zakeri said, “There are many similarities between friendship and platonic love.” She further explained that friendship love can coexist with romantic love and not be separated from it. In other words, friendship love can be a part of romantic love, but platonic love refers specifically to non-romantic relationships.”

The science of why friendships keep us healthy “Psychological research from around the world shows that having social connections is one of the most reliable predictors of a long, healthy, and satisfying life. A review of 38 studies found that adult friendships, especially high-quality ones that provide social support and companionship, significantly predict well-being and can protect against mental health issues such as depression and anxiety—and those benefits persist across the life span (Pezirkianidis, C., et al., Frontiers in Psychology, Vol. 14, 2023; Blieszner, R., et al., Innovation in Aging, Vol. 3, No. 1, 2019). People with no friends or poor-quality friendships are twice as likely to die prematurely, according to Holt-Lunstad’s meta-analysis of more than 308,000 people—a risk factor even greater than the effects of smoking 20 cigarettes per day (PLOS Medicine, Vol. 7, No. 7, 2010). ‘In the face of life’s challenges, having a close friend to turn to seems to be a buffer or protective factor against some of the negative outcomes we might otherwise see,’ said Catherine Bagwell, PhD, a professor of psychology at Davidson College in North Carolina.”

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This week, we wrote about the we that exists with the separate self. Here are some previous posts that further develop some of the ideas presented.

Why Being Positive is so Powerful in Relationships and in the World “This struck us both and reminded us how critical it is to hear each other’s voices proclaiming the importance of spreading peace and the reality of peace; of how much we all need this and how this is the way to strengthen and promote this very reality. Shout it out. Sing it as loud as you can, wherever you are, in whatever way you can. I sense that a massive effort of the majority is called for to act and live and breathe out the reality that love is the strongest force and that we are not divided, but rather that we are related in a familial way. We can and must act, each in our sphere and in our own unique way, to contribute to this loud, certain declaration of light as supreme, of hope, and the way of kindness.”

The Balance Between Self-Reflection and Connection in Relationships “Phil and I often write about how important it is to your relationships to get to know yourself and the truths that reflect who you are right now. We have emphasized the need for self-reflection so that you can make appropriate choices that represent your values, rather than just reacting from conditioning or outdated behavior. We support taking time to listen inside, and to become attuned to which of the thoughts and feelings that pass through you are the ones you want to express and act upon. Seeking self-knowledge and becoming overly self-involved are not the same thing. The first creates an opportunity for increased conscious connection, and the second reduces it considerably. Many who embark on the path of self-realization lose themselves in the seeking and in the self. Balance is that important ingredient. Anything done to the extreme becomes an impediment rather than an element of growth.”

What We Have Learned About Peace And Harmony Through Our Relationship “Which leads to the second aspect of our relationship: that I feel seen, accepted and not controlled. Controlled may be too strong a word. I am talking about all those expectations of how a partner should behave: words of love, how the kitchen is kept, how time is spent. With full acceptance, expectations do not exist. No, it is more that her expectations are deeper than that; they go to our wedding vows of openness, truth and positivity, and because those commitments were given by me, not taken from me, they are not a burden. They are how I want to live. The result is that no part of me is nibbled away; I have no sense of losing myself, because I can be completely myself in this relationship. This, if you haven’t picked up on it already, gives our relationship an extraordinary radical quality of peace. I continue to learn who I am, how to be myself, how to disentangle from a lifetime of injunctions and expectations. For this I am profoundly grateful. Thank you, Maude. Thank you, thank you, thank you.”

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This week, we wrote about why constancy of connection is important in your relationships. These previous articles discuss aspects of that topic.

How To Deal With The Bumps You Encounter In Your Relationships “If you desire true peace within yourself and in your relationships, you too can find such a path. Peaceful relationships cultivate openness and trust. A constancy develops from knowing where the values lie within you and between you. The sense of safety derives from the repeated experience that the two of you are always on the same side. You approach each other from this trust, not as adversaries. This sense of trust allows a different behavior when moments of apparent clashing occur. You are interested in how the other person feels without any thought of who is right or wrong. You also feel safe and able to communicate what you are feeling. These sharings are devoid of blame and accusation. When you share about your feelings, it is clear you are talking about just that, how you feel. When you are listening, it is clear that you are hearing what the other person feels. It’s not at that point about you.”

Why Trust is so Important in All Your Relationships “We may all have a different list of what elicits trust in the other person. There are different aspects we translate into trustworthiness. Yet, whatever these are, we all recognize this feeling, when it is there and when it is not. Constancy is a big part of it. Are they always the same person, or does a completely different personality appear at times? For us, an important factor was experiencing that each of us remained the same person every time we encountered each other. That may sound strange to point out, but we had both had the previous experience of being in a relationship where we never knew who we might be interacting with when coming together. The moods, and it seemed the person, were ever changing. This caused a state of insecurity and unease. In our relationship, there is a constancy of personality expression that brings with it a feeling of peace and calm.”

How You Can Choose to Have a Better Relationship Now “Do you want to have relationships full of joy and peace, lacking in fights and arguments? If you do, really do, then it is possible for you to have that experience. Every relationship you have can be permeated by love and peace. If you want this it takes a choice; a choice to let go of seeing things in terms of separate sides, of winning and losing, of holding on to being right. True, making this choice is not magic, and there is a process to getting there. The more you practice this step by step in your relationships, the more natural it will be and the less effort required. How do we know this? The constancy of our relationship. The pervasiveness of knowing we’re on the same side. It’s like walking through life and having a path constantly appear before us; in other words, no obstacles ever arise. It feels completely automatic; a form of grace that has been given to us, yet at the same time, we know that it is something we’re doing. We don’t even notice doing it, except maybe occasionally when we have the choice between being kind and being snippy.”

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