Reading Corner

Links related to the weekly posts.

 

By Posted on Posted in Reading, Relationships, Successful Relating Tagged with ,

This week, we said that the secret to peaceful relationships is cooperative interaction. Here are some of our previous posts that illuminate various aspects of this form of connecting.

How To Avoid Relationship Conflicts With One Little Word “If you stop, what are you stopping? You are stepping away from being reactive in the situation. When you stop, the very first thing you will often find is that you can breathe. In these situations, people often start holding their breath without realizing it. Stopping pulls you into the present and gives you a moment to step back from being drawn into conflict, if that’s where your mind or the other person’s behavior is going. Most people have a variety of responses at the same time to any given situation, especially those that are challenging. Stopping enables you to make a choice of which of your responses represents the value which you want to give your energy to. It is not always possible to do this in the moment, but when you stop before reacting or responding, you get that moment to see what is going on, to breathe, and to bring your thoughts and feelings into the present. When you react with anger, fear, or hatred, you are coming from your deep-seated and strong survival instincts. They are very strong because they are defensive postures ingrained in us and resident in the earliest part of our primitive brain. When you stop, you gain time in the present to choose a different place to interact from. You can move into thoughts and feelings of a higher and more developed part of you.”

How Being Defended Stops You From Being Close in Your Relationships “What happens when you raise defenses between you and your partner, friends or relations? When you act to defend yourself, you erect a barrier to being close. And yet, there may be situations where you feel unwarranted criticism, blame, or a disrespectful tone being directed at you. What are productive ways of responding? A feeling that it is necessary to defend yourself within a relationship, often accompanied by a withdrawing from that person, even just a little bit, is important to address. It provides an area for lots of personal growth, as well as an area where more intimacy rather than more distance can be created. (I am not referring here to clearly abusive situations, which always warrant an immediate response.) I have a dear friend who, when responding to me, often exhibits a behavior which I find irritating and quite off putting. I have been reflecting about this recently. At first, I was going to approach her and talk about her behavior and its effect on me. Then I thought of my own reaction. What was that about? Why did I care and what could I do with my own feelings without demanding some change or alteration in her behavior?”

In a Relationship, Sometimes Just Being There is Everything “I had gotten myself to the point where I could take action and had set up the method of doing that. I still felt almost paralyzed by my anxiety. This was quite unusual for me, as I normally would just bite the bullet and go for it. There was so much swirling around inside me that I went into Phil’s office where he was working and shared what I was about to do. He turned to me with his full attention and listened quietly to me. Then he got up and hugged me, and said, “I’ll just come and sit next to you while you do it.” He didn’t offer to do it. He didn’t try to fix me or change what I was feeling. There was no judgment. He just offered me his presence, his calm, and the unspoken reassurance that I could do this, and I wasn’t alone with my feelings. This changed the entire situation. I felt listened to and heard, even though I was unaware of having communicated anything specific. I felt strangely calmed, although no words to my issue were spoken. He was present and paying attention enough to hear a need that I wasn’t even aware of, and to give it to me. In peaceful relationships, listening and being present become a way of being that is part of the fabric of those connections. The loving, kind response is the go-to choice. Sometimes just being there is everything.”

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By Posted on Posted in Reading, Relationships, Successful Relating Tagged with ,

This week, we wrote about how communicating from your true self deepens your relationships. Here are some of our other posts on different aspects of this topic.

Why Knowing Your Values is so Important for all Your Relationships “I’ve been thinking a lot about my deep relationships with friends, family, and my partner, Phil. What makes those relationships so full of support for my own personal growth, comfort, wisdom, laughter, and relaxation? What brings me the most peace from those interactions? One of the most important elements is the sharing of values, core values. Those are the values from which I make my life choices and guide my path forward. This ability to verbalize what your values are creates new opportunities in your relationships. As you look at and come to know what is of most meaning to you, it opens up a wonderful possibility for communication. Approaching this kind of exchange with a loved one can be rich and enable all kinds of new channels of understanding. It can be sweet and tender when approached as a chance for more open connections. So much of what is exchanged between people is about the day-to-day events and travails of one’s life. That is important and has its place, but sharing about what your values are and what another person means to you from that perspective can transcend the concerns of everyday life and elevate your connection immensely. I have recently had this experience with one of my children, which gave both of us great joy. I try to communicate a bit of this to each and every one of my dear ones.”

Why Is Your Truth So Important In Relationships? “For me, truth is a living, moving, growing experience, and it applies to what is going on inside me. Truth is not fact. Truth is dynamic, personal, and meaningful. My truth speaks of my personal values. When something occurs that is of meaning within a relationship with a friend, relative, or partner, it is important to me to stop and go inside to reflect on what I am feeling or thinking. The pause between my reaction and my response is a rich period for me to explore what my truth is in the given situation. I have a series of questions I put to myself, including what is going on here? What do I feel, and why is it meaningful to me? What do I want to convey to the person I’m relating to? Is there something of value for the person I am addressing that I can communicate?”

Why Peaceful Relationships Start With This One Radical Choice “This is a way of being in peace that you have found within yourself, and from that place, you are able to recognize the same place in the other person. Once you have found it within yourself, bring it into how you are in that relationship. When you do this consistently, it allows it to come forth in the other person as well. This kind of being together doesn’t work when one person is self-absorbed or withdrawn within themselves. Open communication is a prerequisite. You have to be able to bring a certain level of interest in another being: one that involves inner work and a developed consciousness that creates in you a fearless state of being present. You are able to be quietly there with your whole self, offering that presence to the other person. For those who choose to walk this path of peace, this core value will reside in both of you, even if it is not fully developed yet. The dance of learning how to live that within your relationship is a beautiful one; full of surprises, calm, gentleness, openness, and trust. It is freeing and precious.”

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By Posted on Posted in Reading, Relationships, Successful Relating Tagged with , , , ,

This week, we wrote about how to create a peaceful relationship in a world that says it’s impossible. Here are some of our previous articles that speak to some of the essentials to achieving this.

You Can’t Love If You’re Not There: Why Presence Matters “So when you are with someone, by all means, share with them what happened and plans for the future, but also take in the sense of being with another person, because this is a deep need that we all have. To do that, look or listen or feel for the stillness. Which doesn’t mean not allowing yourself to move; it means not doing anything, it means just hanging out. Being present like this with someone involves two things. One is paying attention to their words, their pauses, their tone, their body language, and not being distracted by what else is going on in the environment or what you have coming up later in the day. The other is paying attention to what is happening within yourself – your breath, tension, feelings, and thoughts. Just observe them rather than holding on to them. It’s about doing nothing, of just being on a fairground ride, letting it take you on its journey.”

Pay Attention – It’s How to Best Support Each Other “I decided to watch and listen for a clue as to what he really wanted. And here starts the story of a completely different journey than the one I had been pursuing. I had begun with what I wanted for him or imagined being a great way to celebrate. These ideas had very little to do with Phil. They were my creations. As the date drew closer, my observation and hearing of what Phil really wanted and needed became clearer. He would be happy and comfortable with a small intimate celebration with immediate family. I was able to think of just the right place, private enough, but beautiful, quiet enough for everyone to hear, with delicious food and not too much traveling. Phil had said to pass on the word that he wanted no gifts, just the company and cards. I passed the word on about only cards, and our granddaughter picked up the ball for the family, creating gorgeous cards for each family member to write on. Yet, I wanted to give him something that would acknowledge who he is and would bring him joy. Phil is deeply caring about the environment and it lays heavy on his heart at all times. He wants to contribute in this area. So I had a forest planted in his name (120 trees) to be planted in areas that badly need reforestation.”

Make Sure You Pay Attention to Your Relationships “That sense of loving connection arises because in every close relationship, there are not two, but rather three entities; each of the individuals and the relationship itself. By paying close attention, you can be aware of this, that it is not you and not the other person, but exists as a fusion of what each of you brings. This is a thing to cherish and to nurture. Be active in feeding your relationships. Connections that are steeped in truth and the sharing of your inner spirit bring with them calm, joy, and strength to meet the challenges of everyday life. These connections are the riches of your life. Appreciate them, savor them, and when you can, keep them current. As precious as your once-every-so-often relationships are, it is those that you interact with in the present that help you work out the problems of everyday living. It is with those that you share decisions, get advice, complain, rejoice, and grow.”

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This week, we wrote about finding joy and peace through appreciation and acknowledgment. This is a favorite topic of ours; here are a few of the other posts we’ve written on it.

How Appreciation and Acknowledgment Open a Path to Peaceful Relationships “On the path toward peaceful relationships, there are two areas we want to explore today: appreciation and acknowledgment. Both of these can be mighty contributors toward peaceful and loving relating. To appreciate another person takes a decision to approach them with awareness. It requires being conscious of the other person, and not just being wrapped up in yourself and what you are mentally busy with. You have to be observing with attention and be interested. Appreciation involves listening and being open to finding out more about what that person is feeling and thinking. What do they value? What special insight do they have? What brings them joy? This kind of awareness is colored by the intention of generosity; generosity of spirit. You look for the best with open eyes and heart. What’s important is that you are actually looking. By being present with this kind of awareness, you gain much from the connection. You enter another world and find the treasures therein. This is the kind of experience that appreciation for another gives to the ones doing the appreciating.”

How to Strengthen Your Relationships with Appreciation and Acknowledgment “Being appreciative changes you, but it is by expressing it that you do your small part in changing society. How many people made those jeans you are wearing? Who dug the ore for those copper rivets? How did that banana get from Latin America to your plate? Everything is a miracle of cooperation. You can’t thank everyone involved, but you can thank the people with whom you interact: the sales clerk, the bus driver, the help desk. Even if they are sullen, recognize their contribution and thank them. In that way, they will feel seen, appreciated, and part of society, not just a cog in the machine. When it comes to friends and family, beware of familiarity. We are wired to pay attention to novelty and overlook the unchanging, so do not let your appreciation fade. Look for the positive, be grateful for the goodness in your life, and say so. Giving thanks reinforces the connection between us all.”

The Power of Seeing and Being Seen in Your Relationships “There’s a very distinct sensation associated with truly being seen, and this can happen in two different ways. One is when a person acknowledges you for something about yourself that you value and treasure, perhaps even something you feel within you but do not talk about. It is a moment that stops time and focuses your attention on the other person in a very new way. The knowledge that they are really looking at you and giving you their presence and attention enough to ‘get you’ forms bonds that are well-nigh unbreakable. The other part of being seen is when someone shares with you that they see you having skills or behaviors that you have not observed in yourself. And yet, perhaps, it doesn’t sound totally strange or foreign to you. You can somehow identify with it or recognize it slightly, but you don’t really see it till you get it reflected back. After rolling it around for a bit, you may even be led to look at yourself that way. Or, you may be pulled to grow toward that image of you the other person has given you. “Hmm, is that really me? I hadn’t thought of myself that way, or ever heard that from someone about myself. But, I can see that may be true.”

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By Posted on Posted in Core Values, Reading, Relationships, Successful Relating Tagged with ,

This week, we asked why your core values are important for having peaceful relationships. This is a core aspect (groan) of relationships, and we have written about various aspects of this a number of times.

Why You Need To Know Your Core Values “The way you look at things is often reflective of your core values. Understanding core values and learning what yours are is foundational to creating peaceful harmonious relationships. The more you are aware of those values and can bring your approach to interactions in line with them, the truer you will be to yourself and the feeling of inner peace that brings. Your core values are those upon which you base your life, your actions and decisions, even when you are not clearly aware of what they are. This can occur because values are often felt rather than thought, and as a result, you may not have put them into words for yourself. And yet they are so critical to your life, inner peace, and all your relationships.”

Why Are Core Values Important in All Your Relationships? “Some of these values are so intrinsic to who you are and how you want to be that they underlie everything that you do and decide. They are your core values; how things should be in life. They affect how you feel and respond to other people. Core values are not beliefs; they underlie beliefs. They affect how you behave, the way you respond to others, and how you make decisions. They’re the areas that most represent who you are and what has true meaning for you in life. Core values, just like emotions, are felt, not thought. It’s a deep sense that you have, and then you find words to describe the feeling. It’s often hard to see core values because they’re difficult to distinguish from so many other values that we inherit from family, acquire through friends, adopt through society or buy into through advertising.”

How to Create Peace in Relationships and Life by Knowing Your Core Values “Understanding core values and learning what yours are is foundational to the process we teach for creating peaceful harmonious relationships. We differentiate values from wants and needs on a spectrum of ever-increasing importance. This scale starts with wants which are the most ephemeral, moves through needs which are sometimes difficult to differentiate from values, and then to values which rarely change, even when you formulate them in different words or images. Your core values are those upon which you base your life, your actions and decisions, even when you are not clearly aware of what they are. This can occur because values are often felt rather than thought, and as a result you may not have actually put them into words for yourself. And yet they are so critical to your life, inner peace, and all your relationships. A knowledge and understanding of what yours are can be a great tool for creating mutual solutions to disagreements and misunderstandings in your relationships, as well as finding a more fulfilling way of applying them to what you do and how you do it in your life. We recommend setting aside time to take a deep dive into what yours are and formulating them for yourself. When you have done this, it will give you the opportunity to reflect on whether and how you put them into action.”

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