Reading Corner

Links related to the weekly posts.

 

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This week, our topic is respect, one of the factors of peace in relationships. Here are some other posts we’ve written on this very important subject.

Why Respect is Important for Creating Peaceful Relationships “When we relate to another, we have to do so with a profound respect for their sacrosanct nature. This understanding brings about an unexpected result. It means that we accept and honor the boundaries between ourselves and those of others. And strangely, by the very fact that we do that, the boundaries slowly disappear, along with any sense of separation and distance. By treating the other person with honor and an awareness of their unique person, we establish a deep sense of calm, trust and safety in the relationship. Each of us is unique. Inherent in that statement is the truth that we are by our very nature always different. We experience the paradox of being both different and the same. We all share so much within our humanity, and yet we each bring different pieces of the puzzle to the party. When we approach others with this understanding, it does much to foster the kind of connection that those who value peace desire.”

Why Respect is Important for a Happy, Loving Relationship “Respect is almost an old fashioned word. We don’t speak of it often. And yet, it is one of the cornerstones of happy loving relationships. It is what we offer when we accept another’s individuality. Not just accepting, but honoring their uniqueness. We show respect by the way we treat each other: by our tone of voice, our willingness to listen, to accept the inevitable differences of personality and behavior. We show it by our love and our kindness; by the empathy we feel and the warmth, safety and comfort we give. Respect starts with empathy – from being able to put ourselves in another’s shoes. The more we can identify with them, the more this can happen.”

Why Respect is the Small Word With Big Importance in Relationships ” A less frequently talked about, but equally important aspect of peaceful harmonious relationships, is respect. Respect need not be based on accomplishments or be earned. It is something we offer arising from an awareness of our kindred nature. We offer respect for each other’s uniqueness, individuality, and commonality. It is easiest to practice respect within our deepest and most intimate relationships. This is the arena in which we learn how to do this; where we can feel assured of sharing the same values, and of feeling loved and safe, making respect easier to offer. As we learn to be respectful, and to come from that premise, we will slowly be able to spread this aspect of peaceful relating to those with whom we do not share meaning and value. Even when this is the case, we share all the most basic characteristics, even with those who have not yet learned to act in a respectful manner.”

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This week, we wrote about how to recognize and bring peace into your relationships. Peace is a foundational theme of ours; here is a diverse collection of articles we gave written about peace.

Do You Want a Peaceful Relationship? Yes, You Can Have One! “My parents’ relationship was a strong influence on my understanding of what it meant to be together. Theirs was a passionate and loving relationship. I still describe how they were as being “madly in love with one another.” There were disagreements but not really arguments. They believed in not holding onto anger, and were intensely committed and loyal to one another and to my brother and me. There was a deep acceptance and a strong trust in each of us.”

How to Practice Peace Within Your Relationships “How can we practice peace within our relationships? Delve into this question with us through these excerpts from How Two: Have a Successful Relationship: One of the most surprising aspects of our relationship is the direct experience of peace that it engenders. This follows naturally from the alternatives to conflict that we practice. For us, peace is not a void described by the absence of conflict, anger or war. Peace is an actual experience. It is filled with calm, assurance of goodness, acute awareness of presence, acceptance of what is, joy, and overflowing love. It is both intense passionate happiness and quiet, rock-solid reassurance. Peace permeates all of our interactions and is our underpinning, our foundation. We are convinced that this knowledge and the direct experience of actual peace can be available in every relationship.”

Peace in Your Relationship and the World “We have written many times about the extraordinary peaceful and passionate nature of our relationship, and in fact our primary goal in all our writings, books and blogs is to spread peace one relationship at a time.
In these very disturbing times, it seems a good moment to focus on this central part of our message. We have a direct experience of peace together that neither of us has known about previously, except as an image or goal. When we speak of this we are not referring simply to the absence of conflict. For us, peace is not a void described by the absence of conflict, anger or war. Peace is an actual experience. It is filled with calm, assurance of goodness, acute awareness of presence, acceptance of what is, joy and overflowing love.”

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This week, we wrote that connection is the heart of peace-filled relationships. Here are some posts we have previously written on connection within relationships.

A True Connection Between People Brings Peace and Joy “So, I didn’t recognize what you described to me in those terms, but I did have an experience that was different, and so I now know what it was coming from. It was just that everything felt softer. I think that’s because there was more connecting, as you described it. And that’s how we come together, because what I was feeling was the experience of when you really connect with another person, when what you’re doing together, and when you’re relating, is truly connecting. So, by you being responsive when I approached you, by giving me your attention, and not feeling resentful, or as though you were being interrupted—those were your words—what I experienced was something softer, like a gentleness, and a feeling of goodness. That sense was coming from the fact that there was more connection going on; noticeably more, although I didn’t think of it that way. I just thought this is very nice; this feels soft and gentle and connected. I didn’t feel disconnected before, but I’m talking about the actual experience of connection. Having nothing to do with any sense of disconnection.”

It’s Important to Feel the Connection in Your Relationships “A cautionary word for relationships: Pay attention, be alert, stay aware of the experience of your connection. All too often, people become so used to the contact and connection in their relationships that they start to take them for granted. You presume upon that sacred gift. You stop really noticing the experience of that connection; how it makes you feel, why you treasure it, why it’s so important. The less you are aware of it, the less you nurture it and the thinner that connection becomes. Yes, there are memories of the importance, yes, there is fondness and love for what has been. But the actual experience can begin to fade.”

Why the Essence of Connection in Your Relationships is Being Present “One of the elements that permeates our relationship is that when we are together we are present with each other. We are not only there in the physical sense, but also mentally and emotionally. I’ve been thinking about how important it is to practice presence in all relating, and how this gets lost so very often in the way people interact with each other. What does this feel like when it is there and when it is missing? I have a good friend who seems almost to have disappeared from view. When we are together, I do not feel she is actually there. She seems to be on her way somewhere else: mentally, emotionally, and even physically a bit. The flavor of my friend is still there, but the feeling of her essence being present with me, with “us”, is not. I mention “us” because this is an important component of presence in relationship. When I sit here on the couch discussing the blog topic and content with Phil, we are both acutely involved in this moment. We are here with each other and also with the “we”, the “us” as well. As we have been doing this for decades, the mutual self is quite recognizable and is present along with each of our individual selves.”

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This week, we wrote about how to deal with the bumps you encounter in your relationships. Here are some of our previous posts that touch on different aspects of this area.

How to Embrace Differences, Not Trip Over Them “In last week’s post, we wrote that having peaceful relationships is a choice. So, let’s say you have made that choice. What now? One of the biggest things to find a way to embrace within yourself is the fact that we are all unique; we are each one of a kind. Although we all share many similarities, we are all different. Many who write on the topic of relationships feel that this difference means that conflict is inevitable. From our own personal experience, we strongly disagree with this viewpoint. To change this propensity, it is necessary to learn to respond to the kind of differences our uniqueness creates in a way other than fear, conflict, feeling threatened, distancing, anger, or protectiveness.”

How to Deal With Decisions and Disagreements in Your Relationship “There are multiple ways to solve a problem, and by exploring, you can find a solution that works for both of you because it will fit with your shared values. There is a solution out there somewhere, even though you can’t imagine it in the face of that daunting 100 ft. cliff. Here’s where the fun comes in. You can find a path toward mutual solutions: a place where both of you are happy, satisfied, and even enriched beyond your original version of the solution. It is a co-creative process of listening, exploring, and searching for the values and important aspects of what underlies each others’ wants, and then finding a path to mutual satisfaction. To do this, two factors are necessary: belief and intention. You need to believe that there is a place where the two of you can come together on an issue without either one of you feeling you are giving something up or deferring just to have peace. This is nothing like what is often referred to as compromise; that involves one or both parties giving something up in order to move forward. Finding a mutual solution is quite different from compromise. In addition to all that is the intention to reach that place. Unlike wishing for a pony or a Ferrari, your desires can make it so. Check with your partner and make it a conscious agreement.”

Why Are Core Values Important in All Your Relationships? “What do you do when differences arise in relationships? Aren’t there always times when you are inevitably at odds? Here are some examples of the kinds of things people get hung up on:

  • My roommate is a slob; they leave dishes in the sink and clothes all over the place.
  • My friend never calls me; it’s always me reaching out to make contact.
  • I can’t stand it when my partner spends money without regard to the budget we’ve agreed on.

Some of these issues are material: where you live, what your physical needs are, how important possessions are to you. Others are emotional, to use the term broadly. What’s your balance of privacy and connection? What are your expectations of support? What do your religious beliefs call for? These can be thought of as wants, needs, and values, though they blend into each other somewhat. By looking at what yours are, and how they match with other people, you get a clearer view of your compatibility.”

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This week, we wrote about how relationships are your path toward growth. Here are some of our earlier posts about how to use this in your relationships.

How to Stop Irritation Poisoning Your Relationship “When Phil noticed yesterday that he had spoken in a manner that made him uncomfortable, he looked within himself to see what was happening. He chose a time when we were alone together and sitting in close contact to share what he felt and why he had spoken in the manner he did. Touch can be very helpful in these moments, if it is a comfortable choice for you. Instead of both feeling strange or hurt or distressed, we drew closer, and again had cause to realize that we both want the same things and that neither of us likes or feels good to be out of harmony with ourselves or each other.”

How To Avoid Relationship Conflicts With One Little Word “I was in a Zoom women’s group and was sharing about a technique that was discussed in a class I attended. This technique was designed to be used in situations where you are feeling responses like irritation, impatience, or anger in your relationships. The simple, yet very effective technique, is to ask yourself in such a situation, “What is important here?” This helps you to calm down and to think about where you want to put your emphasis in responding to a situation you are finding challenging. When I recounted this story, I unconsciously added a word to it. I said. “Stop, and ask yourself what is important here.” One of the women shared that hearing me say stop gave her something she could understand working with when things were getting heated in a relationship. If you stop, what are you stopping? You are stepping away from being reactive in the situation. When you stop, the very first thing you will often find is that you can breathe. In these situations, people often start holding their breath without realizing it. Stopping pulls you into the present and gives you a moment to step back from being drawn into conflict, if that’s where your mind or the other person’s behavior is going.”

How to Handle Discord in Your Relationship “As we were discussing what to share on how you can avoid this sense of separation in your relationships, this sense of disjointedness, I asked Phil what he would say to others about this, and he replied, “Don’t go there in the first place and if you’re in there, get out.” So, where is “there”? “There” is where you feel at odds with the other person, where you forget the we/us sense and lose sight of the fact of being on the same side. It’s where you stop functioning from that deep bond and instead flounder around in some confusion of the mind. This place is tinged with fear and defensiveness. How do you get out? It will be different for each person, but in every case, it involves not being attracted to this sensation of separateness. Return to your sense of surety in the connection and find your trust of that, even if you are not seeing it in the moment. It involves a practice of looking inside yourself to find out what is going on with you, rather than thinking it is about the other person.”

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