Reading Corner

Links related to the weekly posts.

 

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This week, we wrote about how to avoid contention in your relationships. Here are some posts looking at different aspects of this topic.

How to Avoid Arguments and Resolve Disagreements in Relationships “An argument carries with it the sense of opposition and separation. It usually generates an overall negative energy, with emotions and behaviors that push people apart: anger, raised voices, irritation, impatience, and snippy responses like eye rolling. The stance of two people arguing is filled with a sense of needing to be right; with the belief that there are different sides and yours should be the winner in the exchange. Sadly, when arguing, nobody truly wins and the problem is never fully resolved. Arguments are inherently divisive and have their own escalation built into them. Disagreements, on the other hand, don’t degenerate into arguments when two factors are present: each of you know you’re on the same side, and you share core values that underlie your life’s decisions. When these two factors are present, disagreements can be seen for what they are: differing viewpoints or different desired actions, perhaps different wants or needs. Nothing more and nothing less.”

How Mutual Solutions Help You to Solve Disagreements and Avoid Arguments “Are you having disagreements that turn into arguments in your relationships? Are your different ideas about how to do things causing separation and distance between you and your partner, friend, relative? This can be changed! Disagreements come in different degrees. They range from the practical to the emotional, and can feel like a sheer 100 ft. cliff in your way. You can’t possibly imagine what a resolution could be. But here’s the thing. There will always be one, barring the rare cases where you break up or that this is a recurring argument that never gets resolved. There is a solution out there somewhere, even though you can’t imagine it in the face of that daunting 100 ft. cliff, and your current position probably isn’t it, so quit trying to defend it and go exploring instead. Here’s where the fun comes in. You can find a path toward mutual solutions: a place where both of you are happy, satisfied and even enriched beyond your original version of the solution. To do this, two factors are necessary: belief and intention. You need to believe that there is a place where the two of you can come together on an issue without either one of you feeling you are giving something up or deferring just to have peace. This is nothing like what is often referred to as compromise; that involves one or both parties giving something up to find a place that works for both of you. Compromise is quite different from finding a mutual solution.”

A New Way to Look at Differences in Relationships “PHIL: This is what happens with differences. The other person does (or doesn’t) do something. You get irritated, resentful, impatient, whatever. There are two obvious paths to fixing this. The other person changes, or you let go of that annoyance. The first isn’t full acceptance; the second one is. But there are also situations where you cannot put it aside. You’ve been hurt, or a commitment wasn’t met, or something else rankled. Speak about it, making it completely about your state, your feelings, your reactions; in other words, not about the other person. They will learn where you are at, and you may gain clarity by verbalizing them, too. This initiates a dialogue where the other person may make a change, or explain what they did (or why they did what they did) in a way that you had not previously seen.
MAUDE: After all, we’re all unique, so everyone is truly different. We’ve written about accepting differences and even celebrating them. But there’s another quality of interacting peacefully with others. That quality is a deep interest in and fascination with getting to know the other person. In other words, it’s not just accepting, it’s not even just celebrating; it’s the joy in learning and growing in the understanding of the other that is the key.
PHIL: And that surprise and pleasure is never-ending. it’s not like you get to know them and you end up knowing all about them to a degree that they become predictable. The otherness (which does not preclude the many agreements and similarities) will always be there to fascinate.”

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This week, we wrote about how to grow trust in your relationships. It is an important topic, and we have explored various aspects of it in previous posts.

The Secret to Deep, Peaceful Relationships is Quiet but Powerful Trust “Trust is an essential part of good relationships. The first thing I want to say about trusting someone is that it is not what they say, it is what they do. What they say about themselves or how they promise to be is not a basis for trust; instead, it is how they actually act in the world, and it takes time to learn how they behave under various circumstances. Trust is something that builds up slowly over time. The other side is how you show yourself to be trustworthy, and that is by being open and honest. The two operate together. Honesty is paramount; if the other person cannot be sure what you say is actually the case, how can they ever fully trust you? So you demonstrate that by being open, by sharing your feelings and responses. That’s not something we do fully as a matter of course; we use social graces to fit in. But as we come to trust another person, we can drop our persona and reveal more, so we become more trustworthy to the other person.”

How Trust and Peace go Hand in Hand in Your Relationships “We’ve been talking about trust as one of the most basic aspects of a peaceful relationship: what it feels like, how you get there, what behavior engenders it. I wanted to write about my personal experience, so to do that, I looked at 6 close relationships where I feel deep trust in the people and in the relationship, and I know that it is mutual. These were with Phil, 3 women friends, and my two sons. It’s easy to feel trusting with Phil because he shares who he is openly and without defenses. Over time, I have learned from his actions as well as his words that he wishes me well and cares deeply, seeks fairness, and is a compassionate person. He relates from love, not fear. And that is the same for each of these 6 relationships, and all the others I have that bear the fruits of peace and fulfillment.In looking at all of these relationships, I see much the same qualities, all expressed differently by each of the unique personalities. The experience of this trust has built over time. It takes time to slowly open to another and let go of your defenses, bit by bit. All of these are also without certain responses, like suspicion, withholding, distance, or deception. We accept each other for who we are.”

How Honesty Leads to Trust in Your Relationships “We humans are social animals who need each other to thrive. We need other people to smelt steel, grow wheat, bake pizza, print books, build pianos, and make toaster ovens. People have to work together and agree on how things are done. Along with that, we have to work out how to live together. For society to run smoothly, we copy each other in many ways: we all drive on the same side of the road, stop at red lights, exchange pieces of paper for meals, and dress similarly. At the same time, we’re individuals with our own ideas of how things should be, yet to live together, we need to moderate ourselves to fit in with other people. We have to hide a part of ourselves; we are not fully seen. Close relationships are the forum where we can change this and show ourselves completely. How does that transition occur?It starts with taking a small risk by being honest and expressing something that might be ridiculed or laughed at, used to shame you, or used against you. When your listener does not take advantage of this, but instead hears and sees you, it increases your trust in how open you can be with them, and you can progressively share more of yourself.”

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This week, we wrote that acceptance involves listening to more than the words in your relationships. Acceptance is a crucial part of relationships, and we’ve often written about it. Here are some of our posts.

How to Transform Your Relationship by Reaching Total Acceptance “The road that leads to truly peaceful relationships starts with becoming open and honest about yourself to yourself. The more you know who you are and accept yourself with all your foibles and strengths, the more you will be able to bring that to your relationships. Openness and honesty with others create a feedback loop that encourages the same kind of behavior from those you share this way of being with. It is self-reinforcing, as well as calming and reassuring. The sense that a person is sharing openly with you and is unafraid to disclose who they are is a powerful message to enter that relationship without fear. This engenders a feeling of trust. There is a sense of ever-growing relaxation, as well as a sense of growing closeness to these kinds of connections. When you can trust who you are with someone, and know that you do not have to be defended or on alert, it creates a deep and profound sense of peace. Over time, as you learn that the words are also carried over into actions, trust builds.”

Embracing Acceptance: How to Let Go of Annoyances in Relationships “So let’s assume that you wish to have peaceful relationships, where your exchanges support and stimulate each other. You may not achieve this all the time, but that is your basic intent. Then, it is worthwhile to examine and realize that you have a choice. The path toward picking a meaningful response is to be thoughtful rather than reactive. In another post on this issue, we suggested stopping and asking yourself, “What is important here?”. When I find myself ready to react with a snarky tone of voice or a provocative retort, I like to think about what is of meaning and value to me. Just venting doesn’t do anything for me, it usually makes me feel worse. And as Phil suggested, I’ll only have to go back and fix it later. This is a good opportunity for me to reflect upon what the value is for me in the exchange, and what is going on inside me that leads me to react so differently. So many challenging conversations can be turned into loving interactions by going for the value rather than the flash reaction. That kind of response usually serves no purpose other than to disturb the peace. I’m not talking about “keeping the peace at all costs”, but rather being peaceful within, as well as in my interactions”

How It’s Possible to Practice Acceptance in Your Relationships “This way of being, like many others, gets easier and smoother with practice. It brings with it an intense sense of relaxation and ease. The more you are unquestioningly accepted for who and how you are, the more freedom you have to be yourself. This exhibits itself most distinctly with those with whom you share living space, but it applies to all relationships, particularly the deep and intimate ones. It is best when a feeling of safety as well as ease is created through the way you relate. I want to include one other very important factor. Joy. It is an exquisite pleasure to be with people with whom you can share this way of being together. It feels so right and so natural. We long for the day when this practice spreads from the few to the many, and we can see that kinship between us all becomes a living reality.”

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This week, we wrote about how balance and peace are intertwined in your relationships. Here are some other articles that discuss various aspects of balance.

Why is Balance Important in Your Relationships? “To get past this definition of balance as trying to juggle a fair division of obligations, think about the nature of fairness. It comes about because you care about the other person, and caring arises from empathy, the ability to imagine yourself in their position. Fairness is saying that the other person is your equal, and deserves as much as you. This, of course, only works when both people hold this belief. Looked at in this way, balance is not about equality, it is about being in harmony with another, about recognizing that you are partners working together, not competitors. This is the source of balance in your relationships.”

Why is Balance Important for Peaceful Relationships? “We often talk about successful relationships in terms of the peace they bring. We have been discussing this extraordinary experience of peace within our relationship and wondering what goes into making it so. We are not the same and act very differently in many areas. Yet, in terms of our choices, decisions and solutions, both on a superficial as well as a more meaningful level, they match so frequently as to cause us to ask, what are we doing, what is going on? In examining this mutual resonance, I realized that there is a deep similarity in what we are both attracted to, what we value. We both naturally seek balance. This is not done consciously, but rather in response to an inner pull. This is not keeping score or counting up who does what and trying to keep it all even. Rather, there is a sense of balance in how we each act and feel and relate. There is an equilibrium from which our choices emerge, and so, the unlikely becomes reality, and we frequently find ourselves easily on the same page. We do, of course, have areas where we start out at two different places. When this occurs, we can apply Our Process to find solutions, points of agreement and mutual satisfaction. More often than not though, the attraction toward balance pulls us toward peace in our exchanges without the need to search for agreement. We find ourselves choosing very similar solutions often because they are the ones that come from this place within each of us. There is a sense of fairness, of justice, of equality, of rightness in balance. It is a place of respect, of gentleness, of kindness.”

The Balance Between Self-Reflection and Connection in Relationships “Phil and I often write about how important it is to your relationships to get to know yourself and the truths that reflect who you are right now. We have emphasized the need for self-reflection so that you can make appropriate choices that represent your values, rather than just reacting from conditioning or outdated behavior. We support taking time to listen inside, and to become attuned to which of the thoughts and feelings that pass through you are the ones you want to express and act upon. Seeking self-knowledge and becoming overly self-involved are not the same thing. The first creates an opportunity for increased conscious connection, and the second reduces it considerably. Many who embark on the path of self-realization lose themselves in the seeking and in the self. Balance is that important ingredient. Anything done to the extreme becomes an impediment rather than an element of growth. As you come to know yourself better, and you find ease and calm within, you do not need to be as busy with yourself, and can be more available for relating to others. You move into the present with increased awareness. When you are coming from a place of balance between involvement with yourself and connection to another, there is much more room to make contact. This is, of course, never a finished process. So, as you traverse it, remember to seek balance and watch out for any isolating patterns.”

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This week, we wrote about how free will and choice enhance your relationships. Here are three more articles on how important intention is in your relationships.

How to Make Positive Choices in Your Relationships “MAUDE: I think what you’re saying matches what we’ve been talking about recently. When something happens that feels wrong, we turn inward and examine what’s going on inside us. It’s a way of owning our own feelings, rather than putting them outward onto someone or something else. Like, it’s that person or it’s this thing that’s causing me to feel what I’m feeling. PHIL: I’ve got an observation on it that didn’t come to me as I was describing it. With the recognition of how I was feeling, I also had a choice of what to do, whether to let that continue, or to stop, look for a different angle, whatever, change it in some way. If I’m not comfortable, I make a change to make me more comfortable, whatever that is, and it’s the choice; it’s the intentionality part of that which I’m emphasizing here. MAUDE: Yes. I think that you only gain the ability to do that when you turn toward yourself and go inward. That’s when you gain the ability to do what you just described – make a choice.”

How to Apply Your Intention Toward Peace in All Your Relationships “To move toward such an intent, begin wherever you are in understanding what it might look like in practice. First, look inside at your images of that kind of peace. What do you see? We all associate this with different ideas and actual experiences. Some see it as an absence of elements: discord, division, unease, anger, being triggered, misunderstanding, separation, distance. Some of us see it as the presence of a deep sense of calm, balance, naturalness, contentedness, presence, trust, safety, ease.
Whatever comes up for you, reach into it, picture it, become familiar with how it feels to you; taste it, smell it, bring it to life within yourself. When you select this as your intent, you make a choice. This is what you want; this is the place where you want your relationships to dwell. That choice becomes a core value, residing centrally within you. Such an intention toward peace is powerful and grows ever stronger as you feed it. You feed it with that choice, and turn to it whenever there is a disturbance in the force. When you are confronted with interactions that don’t fit with that sense of peace, or that trigger reactions within you that disturb it, Pause, with a capital P. You are seeking to respond to the choice you have made, not react to old stuff or fears. You are going to bring your intention into action by responding from that place of peace that you have chosen. This does not apply to situations that are an actual threat or require a different kind of response. In either case, you want to take enough time to assess and make a choice of how to respond, not be driven by instincts or old stories. It is best to practice this within your deep and developed relationships first.”

How To Avoid Relationship Conflicts With One Little Word ” I was in a Zoom women’s group and was sharing about a technique that was discussed in a class I attended. This technique was designed to be used in situations where you are feeling responses like irritation, impatience, or anger in your relationships. The simple, yet very effective technique, is to ask yourself in such a situation, “What is important here?” This helps you to calm down and to think about where you want to put your emphasis in responding to a situation you are finding challenging. When I recounted this story, I unconsciously added a word to it. I said. “Stop, and ask yourself what is important here.” One of the women shared that hearing me say stop gave her something she could understand working with when things were getting heated in a relationship. If you stop, what are you stopping? You are stepping away from being reactive in the situation. When you stop, the very first thing you will often find is that you can breathe. In these situations, people often start holding their breath without realizing it. Stopping pulls you into the present and gives you a moment to step back from being drawn into conflict, if that’s where your mind or the other person’s behavior is going. Most people have a variety of responses at the same time to any given situation, especially those that are challenging. Stopping enables you to make a choice of which of your responses represents the value which you want to give your energy to. It is not always possible to do this in the moment, but when you stop before reacting or responding, you get that moment to see what is going on, to breathe, and to bring your thoughts and feelings into the present.”

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