Reading Corner

Links related to the weekly posts.

 

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This week, we wrote about why differences don’t need to create problems in your relationships. Here are some of our many articles on differences and how to embrace them in your relationships. Use the search bar to find more.

How To Deal With Differences In Your Relationships “Because we are all unique, we have different skills, strengths, capabilities, and interests. It can be hard to see the strengths of other people clearly. It’s easy to see where they fall short: they forget to pay bills on time, don’t tidy up, or anything that, for you, is the obvious, efficient way to do things. But maybe you are overlooking their skills or giving them little credit. How do you value the ability to soothe a grazed knee against balancing a checkbook? Different contributions are not easily tallied up like Olympic scoring. Coming to terms with the fact that people are different from you can be a challenge. It might be your partner; it might be anyone. It’s fine when you agree, but when you don’t, how can anybody be so stupid? Obviously, your way is right: you know the correct route, can stack the dishwasher properly, know how to fix the homeless problem, and know the best way to handle a tantrum in a supermarket. You’re right and everybody else is…less right. Everyone acts in the world differently. Maybe there’s more than one approach to doing something, but you never saw it before, or maybe they just like doing it that way. When you can relax into that and appreciate and enjoy those differences, you expand your view of what is possible and how to be in the world, and you can see that the two of you are more effective together than either one of you alone.”

How to Embrace Differences, Not Trip Over Them “One of the biggest things to find a way to embrace within yourself is the fact that we are all unique; we are each one of a kind. Although we all share many similarities, we are all different. Many who write on the topic of relationships feel that this difference means that conflict is inevitable. From our own personal experience, we strongly disagree with this viewpoint. To change this propensity, it is necessary to learn to respond to the kind of differences our uniqueness creates in a way other than fear, conflict, feeling threatened, distancing, anger, or protectiveness. Start with relationships that are, or that you want to be, deep and close: friendships, partners, relatives. It is easier to accept these differences in those we feel close to. As you develop the experiences with them, you can move out toward those with whom you have less and less similarity.”

A New Way to Look at Differences in Relationships “we’re all unique, so everyone is truly different. We’ve written about accepting differences and even celebrating them. But there’s another quality of interacting peacefully with others. That quality is a deep interest in and fascination with getting to know the other person. In other words, it’s not just accepting, it’s not even just celebrating; it’s the joy in learning and growing in the understanding of the other that is the key. And that surprise and pleasure is never-ending. it’s not like you get to know them and you end up knowing all about them to a degree that they become predictable. The otherness (which does not preclude the many agreements and similarities) will always be there to fascinate.”

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This week, we wrote about how hanging out enhances and strengthens your relationships. Here are some other articles we’ve written that shed light on this topic.

How Balancing Work, Play and Hanging Out Benefits Your Relationship “People gather to meet and eat, meet and accomplish, meet and discuss, meet and produce. Meeting just to be together seems to have fallen off the list of things seen as having value. The culture is one of being busy, ever busier in a world demanding much involvement in keeping everything functioning and moving forward. A critical aspect which is less frequently mentioned is play: playing together, being playful, creating space for laughter and joy. I have been talking a lot lately about an element I find missing in so many of my intimate relationships – hanging out.”

Why is Time for Play Important in Your Relationship? “Individually and in our relationships we all need play time where we are not working on anything; not on progressing, not on taking care of business, and definitely not on achieving anything. We recently had a marvelous and rejuvenating few days. These were days where we stepped outside our usual patterns and day to day projects and were just together having an intimate and lovely time. We didn’t do anything big and important. We were very present with each other talking, laughing, sharing.”

How to Freshen Up Your Relationship “Recently, we needed some odds and ends for the household and went out to some garage sales to hunt for them. We hadn’t gone to any in a long time and we had so much fun together. We both felt really relaxed and just enjoyed the shining sun and the adventure of the hunt, while hanging out talking and sharing together. What was so special about this foray? Changing up the pattern seemed an important part of it. These times together create lasting memories: a play we saw, a meal out, a Netflix binge, but events that went beyond our usual routines also stand out: redwoods, a train trip, an Airbnb in Joshua Tree, and remind us of how much more is out there when we make the effort to reach out and grasp it.”

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This week, we wrote about why respect is important for creating peaceful relationships. Here are some earlier posts of ours that examine this very important aspect of successful relationships.

Why Respect is Important for a Happy, Loving Relationship “Respect is almost an old fashioned word. We don’t speak of it often. And yet, it is one of the cornerstones of happy loving relationships. It is what we offer when we accept another’s individuality. Not just accepting, but honoring their uniqueness. We show respect by the way we treat each other: by our tone of voice, our willingness to listen, to accept the inevitable differences of personality and behavior. We show it by our love and our kindness; by the empathy we feel and the warmth, safety and comfort we give.”

Why Respect and Equality are so Important in Your Relationships “Many of the qualities that we write and teach about that contribute to happy, peaceful relating have a common underpinning, and that is respect. When you accept the uniqueness of expression of another, you are showing respect. When you listen with the intention to truly hear and understand another person, you are being respectful. When you speak your truth to another, you are behaving with respect. When we treat each other with “due regard”, we grow toward a Golden Rule of relating. This calls for honoring others with our presence and attention, and offering them that which we most desire ourselves. The very simple interactions we all crave lie in being heard, being seen and being acknowledged as we see ourselves. And most of all, being accepted for who we are without feeling we are being asked to be who or what we are not.”

Why Respect is the Small Word With Big Importance in Relationships “A less frequently talked about, but equally important aspect of peaceful harmonious relationships, is respect. Respect need not be based on accomplishments or be earned. It is something we offer arising from an awareness of our kindred nature. We offer respect for each other’s uniqueness, individuality, and commonality. Respect encompasses honoring the other while feeling connected to them by the similarities of nature. It leads to an expression of acceptance and appreciation of their “otherness”. It has a basic understanding of the Golden Rule of “do unto others…” built into it. Respect for another leads to allowing for their will and their choices to be different than your own and an attitude of non-interference with those differences. As you grow in your practice of respect, you will find you are learning a lot about yourself from these close interactions with that “otherness”. It often engenders fascination with getting to know and understand how something so basically different can be the same.”

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This week, we wrote about how to find joy, peace and inner strength through your relationships. Here are a few other posts we wrote on gaining strength from your relationships.

How to Find Strength From Your Relationship “In these strange and divisive times, it behooves us to take a real look at all that is good, beautiful and loving in our lives, and to take comfort and joy from those things. The fabric of our intimate relationships can be a powerful force for peace and unity if we treat it consciously as a source of renewal and solace. People so often forget or take these very relationships for granted, and no longer draw on them for peaceful energy. In fact, when under tension, it is too often the tendency to act out with the very people one feels safest with.”

How Your Peaceful Relationships Are a Shelter From the Storm “Phil and I share an inner peacefulness that is beyond any of the effects of the changing world we live in. Through the practices we share with you every week, we experience a path of peace that never wavers and serves to strengthen our individual struggles. This is true of a number of my deep relationships where this peace we speak of is a living quality. I can turn to those in moments of distress to help me and strengthen me. These peaceful relationships provide the shelter from the storm that all of us need sometimes, while we renew and refresh ourselves.”

How to Find Peace and Hope Through Your Relationships “We found ourselves in a very special part of nature, far away from the deluge of projections, divisive storylines and media outpourings. One of the days we walked along the cliffs of Montana de Oro, a California State Park with over 6000 acres and over 7 miles of coastline. It was foggy and pretty empty of people. We’d been walking for quite some time, breathing in the air and the atmosphere, when I grabbed Phil’s hand and motioned for him to stop. I realized our footsteps were the only sound other than occasional bird noises. We stood there wrapped in stillness, in an intense sense of quiet. The peace that permeated both of us was profound. I felt my hope and a sense of belief in goodness and love flooding through me. It was palpable. It was okay. It was more than okay. It was wonderful. We were wonderful together.”

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This week, we wrote about why peaceful relationships depend on what you do and don’t do. Here are some other posts we’ve written where we talk about the choices you make.

Chance or Choice? This is a short piece written over a dozen years ago and yet the message is still the same! “But it’s not what we are, what lottery tickets we have drawn, so much as what we do. It’s not a found thing, it’s an intentional thing. If you want a passionate, peaceful relationship, you don’t find it by looking, you find it by bringing passion and peace to the table.”

It’s Important to Know You Can Choose Peaceful Relationships “Peace on the other hand, is just a concept or a word to many people. It has not yet become an experience, a visceral reality. It has the element of fantasy to some, or something that is far off and distant to others. And it will remain so if you do not make it a part of how you live and conduct your deep relationships. Phil and I know that this is possible, and what we want to share is that there is a choice to be made. There is nothing wrong with feeling bad, but when you are consciously or unconsciously attracted and prone to dwelling in negativity, that is a choice. You can choose peace, you can create peace in your own life. There are many aspects to how, and those are the topics of our posts. The real deciding factor is to make the choice to move in that direction, realize you can, and keep choosing it each time you are confronted with a decision.”

3 Things That Every Person Wants in Their Relationships “Conflicts start with differences. Everyone is different, and it can irk you like a mosquito bite. Why do they do it that way? Why aren’t they ready? How untidy! But alongside differences are similarities: we’re all human, we all eat and talk and yearn, and in these basic ways, we are all equal. So they have as much right to their choices of how to act as you do (axe murderers excepted), and, to use another “A” word, you should grant them autonomy in their conduct. And this is how you reach acceptance.”

The Importance of Sharing Your Truth in Relationships “You can avoid this kind of separation in your connections by first learning your truth. For some people that is clear, while for others it is a process that requires active inner work to find. Once you know it, you will need to find the proper time, language, and tone of voice to communicate that truth. You can just blurt it out without thinking about these things, but that is rarely successful.”

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