Reading Corner

Links related to the weekly posts.

 

By Posted on Posted in Peace, Reading, Relationships, Successful Relating Tagged with ,

This week, we wrote about how to create truly peaceful relationships. Here are a few of our posts on that theme.

How to Remove Tension and Find Peace in Your Relationships “To meet another person in this way requires that each party feels safe from attack or power trips. There has to be the assurance of meeting as co-conspirators rather than adversaries. The give and take has to have balance and be expressive of genuine caring. Often in relationships, people feel this way but react unconsciously and more out of habit. It is important to pay attention to tone of voice and to make clear you are speaking from your own feelings and perspective, rather than absolute statements that leave no room for including the other person’s needs. This path is not difficult or out of reach for most people. It requires a belief in the possibility and a commitment to grow in the practice. The more you do it, the more attractive it becomes and the easier it is to go there. Peace is always a choice, and one you can make and practice in your deep relationships!”

What We Have Learned About Peace And Harmony Through Our Relationship “This comes in part from the experience of being totally accepted for who I am, of feeling seen, heard and acknowledged. The critical component is of acceptance of me as a separate and unique person. We have learned and continue to learn what it means to be together and connected, while not thinking that you have to have agreement with each other all the time. There is a deep sense of trust in each other that has developed; trust that we will be honest with each other, that we want goodness for each other, and that we come from a place of always thinking the best of each other. This involves being willing to look inside myself for the causes of any disagreement and being willing to see unnecessary defensiveness or any needing to be right that may be at play. Interacting with this kind of trust and honesty brings an indescribable pleasure with it; the sense of true peace and harmony. It creates an atmosphere of relaxation and calm that allows clarity to respond lovingly without anything being held back or causing distance between us. It opens a quiet space to all the positive advantages in the differences between us without any need to create sameness.”

How to Experience Peace in Your Relationships “One source of peace comes from the knowledge that we are always on the same side. You might think that we would sometimes tussle on which way to go, how to spend (or not spend) money, or any of the hundreds of things that people clash over, but we don’t. Think of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Let’s group them into physical, social, and self; for a satisfying life, people need all three. The social need is to feel connected to others, and that connection is strongest in close relationships. That is what our relationship provides for me, and it is not at odds with the other needs. My physical needs are made easier by being in a partnership, and my self-actualization needs are not in conflict with the relationship because we practice total acceptance – we recognize each other as independent people, and we move through the world both together and separately. The knowledge of being on the same side can be a sense and is also boosted by experience. Maybe you meet someone and get a good vibe from them; maybe you see over time how they behave. Whatever the route, it creates a sense of comfort, a sense of ease, a sense of security, a sense of trust.”

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By Posted on Posted in Presence, Reading, Relationships, Successful Relating Tagged with ,

This week, we wrote about how to see and be seen in your relationships. Here are some of our posts on establishing a close connection with another person.

Why it is Important to be Real With Each Other in Your Relationships “At their core, all deep relationships are an opportunity to be real with each other; both with the other person, and with yourself. You get a wonderful feeling from connections that have this as their basis. Equally, you are aware when it is lacking and feel something is missing in the relationship. How can you help create this seemingly easy, yet often complicated way of being together? What makes for that feeling? For me, this is most recognizable when I sense the other person has an actual interest in me. This includes both wanting to know what I’m experiencing and in sharing the same about themselves; specifically when they share how they are feeling rather than just what is going on.”

Why Respect and Equality are so Important in Your Relationships “When we treat each other with “due regard”, we grow toward a Golden Rule of relating. This calls for honoring others with our presence and attention, and offering them that which we most desire ourselves. The very simple interactions we all crave lie in being heard, being seen and being acknowledged as we see ourselves. And most of all, being accepted for who we are without feeling we are being asked to be who or what we are not.”

You Honor Your Relationships When You Listen With Your Heart “She spoke about being of service and knowing yourself, but the part that struck us so strongly was where she talked about the thousands of interviews she has done and that afterwards, everybody asked “How was that? How did I do?”. Even famous people like Barack Obama, George Bush and Beyoncé asked this. She concluded that everybody wants to be seen, heard, and know that they make a contribution. Once she realized this, she started listening with it in mind. Listening to each other is one of the most critical aspects of successful harmonious relationships. The concept of listening while asking yourself “What is this person sharing of importance and value to them – what is it they want to contribute?” and “How can I best let them know that I see them and hear them?” sets a very different style of listening where you are truly involved with the other person and their communication.”

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This week, we asked what is peace in a relationship actually like? Here are some other posts of ours where we write about the importance and power of peace in relationships.

Let’s Create Peace in the World, One Relationship at a Time “We experience this in a number of our connections, most deeply between the two of us. We live harmoniously with humor, kindness, presence and love. Our relating is not about power or dominance. It is about support, acknowledgment, growth, pleasure and gentle communication. We have, as a result, a living experience of peace. There are many areas of behavior that promote living in peace. You must have the intention toward this kind of relating and the belief that it is possible. Once you practice these forms of acceptance and presence, peace becomes part of the fabric of your interactions. You become ever more peaceful yourself, as much of this kind of interaction involves looking inward and learning about yourself.”

It’s Important to Know You Can Choose Peaceful Relationships “We received feedback clearly indicating that many people could identify with this description of tension and struggle from their own lives. Many people believe that conflict is inevitable. This is not surprising given the state of the world and the apparent divisions between people. It is our experience that when people are presented with stories of hardship, tragedy and difficulty, they often respond with recognition and a propensity to give them their full interest and attention. There is a willingness to discuss them at length and dwell on these negative challenges. Peace on the other hand, is just a concept or a word to many people. It has not yet become an experience, a visceral reality. It has the element of fantasy to some, or something that is far off and distant to others. And it will remain so if you do not make it a part of how you live and conduct your deep relationships. Phil and I know that this is possible, and what we want to share is that there is a choice to be made. There is nothing wrong with feeling bad, but when you are consciously or unconsciously attracted and prone to dwelling in negativity, that is a choice. You can choose peace, you can create peace in your own life. There are many aspects to how, and those are the topics of our posts. The real deciding factor is to make the choice to move in that direction, realize you can, and keep choosing it each time you are confronted with a decision.”

How Your Peaceful Relationships Are a Shelter From the Storm “Phil and I share an inner peacefulness that is beyond any of the effects of the changing world we live in. Through the practices we share with you every week, we experience a path of peace that never wavers and serves to strengthen our individual struggles. This is true of a number of my deep relationships where this peace we speak of is a living quality. I can turn to those in moments of distress to help me and strengthen me. These peaceful relationships provide the shelter from the storm that all of us need sometimes, while we renew and refresh ourselves.”

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By Posted on Posted in Presence, Reading, Relationships, Successful Relating

This week, we wrote about presence, and that you can’t love if you’re not there. Here are some of our previous posts on the importance of presence in your relationships.

How Do Presence and Acceptance Add to Your Relationships? “To be truly present you must acknowledge what is and accept what is. The moment you move into wanting something to be different, you are no longer experiencing what is. Any pushing or pulling away is stepping out of the present. Instead, you are trying to conjure something other; to defend against what is, to go backwards or forwards in time, to manifest a creation of your mind and your desires. The connection between presence and acceptance is a pivotal one. When you are able to embrace and accept what is, you become a part of the present moment and consequently, can contribute your Self to that moment. Presence is a state without anxiety or fear. When you are actually just being and not evaluating the moment of being, you enter a state where truth, beauty and goodness exist. Being present is a shift away from fear responses toward love responses.”

How to Find a Different Kind of Truth Beyond Words “Before language, we responded to the information from our senses with feelings and emotions. Now we have a verbal model of the world that sometimes contradicts that earlier understanding. We are receiving two suggestions at once; it is like listening to two radio stations. The verbal model of the world has been so successful that we use it almost exclusively, and as senses arise, they are mapped onto words.”

Why the Essence of Connection in Your Relationships is Being Present “One of the elements that permeates our relationship is that when we are together we are present with each other. We are not only there in the physical sense, but also mentally and emotionally. I’ve been thinking about how important it is to practice presence in all relating, and how this gets lost so very often in the way people interact with each other. What does this feel like when it is there and when it is missing? I have a good friend who seems almost to have disappeared from view. When we are together, I do not feel she is actually there. She seems to be on her way somewhere else: mentally, emotionally, and even physically a bit. The flavor of my friend is still there, but the feeling of her essence being present with me, with “us”, is not. I mention “us” because this is an important component of presence in relationship. When I sit here on the couch discussing the blog topic and content with Phil, we are both acutely involved in this moment. We are here with each other and also with the “we”, the “us” as well. As we have been doing this for decades, the mutual self is quite recognizable and is present along with each of our individual selves.”

Why is Being Present in Your Relationships So Powerful? “Being present is an essential aspect of enlightenment, and so it is easy to assume that being present is a similarly rare event that happens by grace. Not so. Usually, our mind chatters endlessly about the events of the past: what we should have said or done; how we were wronged or humiliated; the pleasures and people we loved. We plan for the future, too: what to say at the upcoming meeting; what to watch tonight; how to manage money. When we set these aside, we are left with the inputs of our senses, both external and somatic, and usually, we name these, too. But that diminishes the experience because we discard everything for which we do not have words. You can counter that in two ways. By examining closely what is happening and describing it, you can increase your vocabulary and awareness.”

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This week, we wrote about how attentive listening strengthens your relationships. Here are some other articles of ours illustrating various aspects of listening.

You Need to Balance Talking and Listening “We have written about the importance of active listening – of paying attention to what the other person is saying, rather than working on preparing a response. As we have written, “Actually listen, rather than waiting for the moment when you can talk again about why your opinion is the correct one.” Although this is ideal, the reality is that responses and ideas come up as the other person is speaking and it can be a considerable effort to both hold on to those thoughts and continue to follow the speaker. We all know what that feels like, and how much less we hear of what our partner says when we are holding on to our thoughts and waiting our turn to speak them. And yet, how can we avoid this situation? When we are actively seeking solutions, decisions or plans, we are excited. We get ideas from listening that are compelling and important to say. How do we keep the exchange going, and not step out of the important process of hearing our partner, while still being able to share the ideas as they come forth?”

How Listening Without Giving Advice is Good For Your Relationships “Much of this has to do with being present and offering your full attention and acceptance to the other person. When someone is sharing with you, it is a great gift to offer them your presence. We all crave that sense of connection and recognition. When you are truly with another, fully present, you are verifying their importance to you and letting them know you see them and hear them. In order to offer this form of presence, you must leave yourself out of the interaction in every way except as the listener. Listening that deepens connection and communication occurs when you are only bearing witness, you are there to hear what the other is sharing. We all tend (too often) to insert ourselves: our thoughts, our opinions, our suggestions, our solutions.”

Why Acknowledgment is Like a Magic Charm for Relationships “I have relationships that take place over distances via phone, email, text, and social media. These all afford opportunities to acknowledge a person and non-verbally say “I see you.” In my deep connection to a friend that occurs mostly on the phone, there is this constant flow as well, where we speak and listen to each other in the same way that lets each of us know that we are known for who we are and are being heard and appreciated. Feeling seen and heard for who you are is a balm to the soul. It brings joy and a quiet sense of peace. Relationships that incorporate this spread that peace outward, and tend to build an awareness of how to do this with other people, even in brief encounters. As we pass by in the world, we can do this for each other. There is nothing that breaks down the separation of ‘us’ and ‘them’ more than being acknowledged and knowing you are seen by someone.”

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