Reading Corner

Links related to the weekly posts.

 

By Posted on Posted in Our Process, Reading, Relationships, Successful Relating Tagged with ,

This week, we discussed how to respect each other’s separateness while being together. Here are some of our previous posts on this topic.

Why Respect is Important for a Happy, Loving Relationship “Respect is almost an old fashioned word. We don’t speak of it often. And yet, it is one of the cornerstones of happy loving relationships. It is what we offer when we accept another’s individuality. Not just accepting, but honoring their uniqueness. We show respect by the way we treat each other: by our tone of voice, our willingness to listen, to accept the inevitable differences of personality and behavior. We show it by our love and our kindness; by the empathy we feel and the warmth, safety and comfort we give. Respect starts with empathy – from being able to put ourselves in another’s shoes. The more we can identify with them, the more this can happen. The further away from our family, the less we identify with people, and the further away from our own species, the less we identify. Polar bears beat snail darters, and we identify with plants and rocks even less.”

Why Respect is the Small Word With Big Importance in Relationships “A less frequently talked about, but equally important aspect of peaceful harmonious relationships, is respect. Respect need not be based on accomplishments or be earned. It is something we offer arising from an awareness of our kindred nature. We offer respect for each other’s uniqueness, individuality, and commonality. It is easiest to practice respect within our deepest and most intimate relationships. This is the arena in which we learn how to do this; where we can feel assured of sharing the same values, and of feeling loved and safe, making respect easier to offer. As we learn to be respectful, and to come from that premise, we will slowly be able to spread this aspect of peaceful relating to those with whom we do not share meaning and value. Even when this is the case, we share all the most basic characteristics, even with those who have not yet learned to act in a respectful manner.”

Do You Show Love and Respect in Your Relationship? “We were at one of our groups discussing relationships with a woman who is in a happy marriage of 53 years. She shared her thoughts that it is the seemingly simple things that make a marriage work. She felt that often relationship success can come down to partners speaking with respect, love and kindness in their tone of voice, and that this creates an environment for loving interactions. She asked if we have noticed how some people speak with each other, and how disrespectful, even denigrating their approach to their partner is. It was her contention that this behavior leads to many of the problems people have. We have to agree. We have seen it too frequently. One partner will be dismissive and often critical in words and tone of voice. This seems to create a defensive posture in the partner being treated this way, and often sets up an argumentative tone in the relationship, or at the very least a passive-aggressive response in the partner. How does this happen with partners who love each other and have chosen to be together? And even more important, how can this be changed?”

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By Posted on Posted in Our Process, Reading, Relationships, Successful Relating Tagged with ,

This week we said that the secret to agreement is creating something neither of you imagined. You do this by finding a mutual solution. Here are some articles we’ve written on that topic.

How to Find Mutual Solutions and Avoid Conflict “Start out sharing what you desire in this situation, speaking from the ‘I’ and then listen while your partner does the same. Slowly, the wants and needs that are associated with this desire emerge. You go deeper, sharing again in turn what is underneath this image, each time reaching closer to what it is your core wants and needs are. The trick to working through disagreements without descending into conflict is to realize that, although you want something, there is usually an underlying desire behind that want, and there are several ways to satisfy that desire. Below that desire is a deeper want, which again can be sated in a number of different ways. You’re not generally conscious of these deeper needs until you look closely. Take turns speaking and listening to each other. Speak of what you want and why you want it. As you do this the most surprising thing occurs. You find out much more about what you actually want and you hear your partner doing the same. Knowing what the other person wants, you can propose other possibilities that might work for both of you. The original images of what would satisfy you have broadened and opened. By talking back and forth and exploring what you want and why you want it, you will find more and more crossover points that you both desire, and an image begins to emerge, a solution or activity that works for both of you.”

How to Find Peace and Harmony in Your Relationships Through Mutual Solutions “In thinking about this very common point in the development of a partnership, I realized that there is something a bit backwards about how this often occurs. Instead of making these larger mutual decisions without a developed process for finding mutuality, wouldn’t it yield better results to first apply a process and way to communicate and find resolutions that truly work for both concerned? We have often shared a process that we use that does just that. It not only helps to actually find out what decision and solution will work for both of you, but it creates a loving intimacy instead of what can be a time fraught with tension. Through this process you learn more about yourself, what underlies your wants and needs and simultaneously those of your partner. You each begin to truly know each other and start to find where that place of mutuality lies. Here are three of our past blogs that cover different aspects of the topic:
How to Work Through Disagreements to Reach a Mutual Solution
How to Reach Mutual Solutions in Your Relationship
How to Find Mutual Solutions With Your Partner Phil and I have worked with this process for so long that we do it naturally now, and often arrive at the solution without ever visiting any problem. The more often you do this, the more that resolution that fits both of you becomes clear and a part of how you make plans and decisions together. You can go straight to the solution/decision together because it is such familiar territory, you know what if feels like.”

How to Find Peaceful Solutions Without Giving Anything Up “Often, when people think about the issue of acceptance, they think it is about compromise. Compromise is the act of giving up something to get something else. It assumes that there are different sides, and that one must settle in order to avoid conflict. It does not allow for the possibility that a resolution can be found, a resolution where, instead of giving up or changing something, you can create a solution that was not originally imaginable to either person. Without putting down compromise or its benefits, we are discussing a different path – one that is not about giving up on some part of yourself, your wants and perhaps even needs, but rather a path that, by acting in union, allows you to find new mutual solutions.”

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This week, we suggested that you give your relationships the time they deserve. Here are some previous posts sharing ideas for that.

How Hanging Out Enhances and Strengthens Your Relationships “It is about giving our full attention to each other and the connection between us. It doesn’t really matter what we are involved in, as what we are really doing is reveling in being with each other, in sharing who we are and taking pleasure in the deep sense of connection we have. The feelings that arise from this experience are calming, nurturing and give us sustenance for our daily living. If work is the things that we all have to do (whether we enjoy that or not), play is the opposite: where we let go of our obligations, act on our desires, and cavort with the world. Play has been proven to be an important factor in well-being: by relieving stress, supercharging learning and strengthening our connections to each other and the world. Playing together is a powerful tool for creating peaceful relationships.”

How Balancing Work, Play and Hanging Out Benefits Your Relationship “It is frequently stated that having good relationships takes work. We have spoken and written about how it takes presence, intention, belief, acceptance and a desire to find solutions that create mutuality. A critical aspect which is less frequently mentioned is play: playing together, being playful, creating space for laughter and joy. I have been talking a lot lately about an element I find missing in so many of my intimate relationships – hanging out. People gather to meet and eat, meet and accomplish, meet and discuss, meet and produce. Meeting just to be together seems to have fallen off the list of things seen as having value. The culture is one of being busy, ever busier in a world demanding much involvement in keeping everything functioning and moving forward.”

How to Celebrate Your Relationship “Here we sit in a lovely cabin on the third night of our anniversary trip. We’ve taken some days off from all of life’s activities to be alone together celebrating our union. And right there I’d have to say is one of the main elements of our joyous and magical relationship: we take time to be together. Whether it be a special trip like the one we’re on right now, or our hanging out together each night, what is consistent is that we take the time to be together. We love being with each other and consciously choose to make that one of our priorities, regardless of what else is happening. We refer to this as our sacred space and treat it as such. We are renewed and supported by taking this time with each other.”

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This week, we wrote about what it feels like to experience peace in our relationships. We sit down each week and talk about how we are, or how our week has been and how we navigated it, and out of that comes a post. We look for a particular angle or a new way to express how we are, but in the end, it’s just us talking about what it is to experience peace.

Why Peaceful Relationships Start With This One Radical Choice “This describes a state of us being together without the need for defenses. The more Phil and I discussed this way of being together, the clearer we became that this is a core behavior of a peaceful relationship. Peaceful relationships are by their nature non-combative and are safe spaces where you know that you will not be attacked, sniped at, or any variant thereof. At first, I was going to say this is because we know for certain that we are always on the same side. This is most certainly true, and yet that does not fully describe this way of being. This is a state where a choice has been made both individually and for the relationship. It is a choice that goes to the very center of each of the individuals: a choice for living in peace. It is not a compromise of swallowing feelings and thoughts. It is not a mental activity alone. It is an alignment with a quiet inner connection to who you are, coupled with the ability to share that with another. This is a way of being in peace that you have found within yourself, and from that place, you are able to recognize the same place in the other person. Once you have found it within yourself, bring it into how you are in that relationship. When you do this consistently, it allows it to come forth in the other person as well.”

How to Recognize and Bring Peace Into Your Relationships “Phil and I recently attended a celebration of life that left a deep impression on me. The woman being celebrated had the ability to be of good cheer consistently, and taught and uplifted many from this place of profound joy. As I listened to the stories of how she impacted so many on her life’s path, I heard over and over how passionate she was in her life. She pursued her loves with great intensity, with the tenacity and discipline that arose from it. And I thought of peace and how peace is a state of being that is filled with passion. Often, people do not recognize the actuality of peace, even when they have it. And far too many do not have it at all in their lives. In their mind, peace exists as a conception of something. People imagine that peace is devoid of feeling; that it is a place of emptiness. They think of peace as an absence of a variety of things, not a state unto itself. Yet, peace is very real and becomes known through direct experience, combined with awareness.”

Connection is the Heart of Peace-filled Relationships “Phil and I recently visited with a dear friend at her home for a scrumptious dinner. The dinner wasn’t the only thing that was delectable that evening. We had a powerful experience of our connection. Through the many hours of the evening, we talked, ate together, and communed both verbally and in silence with each other.” We felt relaxed, heard, seen and appreciated. We were interested and enlightened by the conversations, thoughts and ideas as they poured forth. We sat together in silence, communicating and sharing the essence of peace that grew in the room around us. And that is one of the profound impressions that I had afterward. We, as in all three of us, were deeply connected, in one unit. It wasn’t only that she and Phil, or Phil and me, or she and I were each connected. No, this was quite different. The three of us were in one relationship with each other. It felt very special and rich because of this difference. There was a circle of warmth that engulfed us all. As we moved many leagues deeper in our connectedness, a joy and a lightness of being permeated that room. It didn’t matter really what the topic was, whether the state of the world or the dressing on the salad, it was the quality of relating that held so much value.”

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This week, we talked about why being in continuous connection is vital for peaceful relationships. Here are some previous writings of ours that share other aspects of this topic.

Why Constancy of Connection is Important in Your Relationships “But Maude said that even though I am sometimes unavailable, she never has a sense of disconnection. She said, “It’s you doing you. That doesn’t happen to be available to me, but it doesn’t feel like it’s about me either. That’s why that doesn’t feel there’s a disconnect, because that’s not what’s going on; whatever is happening, your unavailability doesn’t mean you’ve removed yourself. You’re just doing what you’re doing. There is no withdrawal involved; you’re just not available.” In order to have a feeling of peace and safety within a relationship, it is necessary that the connection remain unwavering regardless of what is externally happening. This does not, however, require continually being in each other’s presence or being in constant contact.”

What’s That Special Connection in Peaceful Relationships About? “Within this connection of trust and honesty, of support and caring, lies a driving desire for openness to know and be known. There, in the place of this third entity we know as us, dwells a solid, peaceful place of complete assurance and presence which never falters or changes. It expands, it deepens, it bolsters each of us. It is recognizable, and as we both point to it in precisely the same place, it is a reality. One that we share. There is a phrase called Anam Cara that describes this quite well: “Anam Cara is an Irish Gaelic term that translates to “soul friend”. It describes a deep and spiritual connection with another person, where souls can recognize and support each other without judgment. This bond allows for authentic self-expression and can exist in both platonic and romantic relationships.”

How Does Mutuality Lead to Peaceful Relationships? “MAUDE: We have written about the method to get to that place, and we call that Our Process. It is a methodology of getting to mutuality, of finding it on a particular topic. I’m interested in talking about the heart of it. What’s the experience of it? It’s very important to know how to get there. And that’s what Our Process describes, but what is there? What is mutuality?
PHIL: It’s a place of agreement.
MAUDE: Yes! And you can only get there together. This is a place that you exist in that is shared, and everything in it you create together. You cannot be there on your own. It’s a different kind of quality. It’s really a thing that takes a behavior between two people to create. It’s not like you can find it by yourself. You have to create it each time together. You cannot get there alone because this is about what happens when two people are able to recognize each other so much, and communicate to each other comfortably and openly what they need or who they are about any particular thing. There’s no charge. There’s a deep attraction that both people have learned to want and are moving toward together, so that they mesh.”

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