Reading Corner

Links related to the weekly posts.

 

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This week, we wrote that you should stop looking for someone to complete you if you want real love. Here are a couple of posts that further discuss this topic.

Why Neediness is Bad for Your Relationship “To be able to know your core values and to ascertain whether or not your partner matches those requires spending time getting to know yourself and understanding your triggers and responses. In this aspect of self-learning, you are investigating yourself in terms of relationship and observing what is occurring within you when you are interacting intimately. This is an ongoing process that contains both shared and solitary aspects. Phil and I practice this form of total acceptance. We know that we share our deepest values, and at the same time, we are keenly aware that each of us is unique and that we both express these principles in different ways. One aspect that is very much the same however, is that each of us feels whole and complete within ourselves. Neither of us is looking for the other to fill a void or supply something we find missing inside. We are indeed enriched by each other. I marvel constantly at who Phil is and I find his unique perspective on how to live his values often inspirational, surprising and exciting.The kind of neediness that arises when a person does not feel whole in themselves is absent in our relationship and would prevent the type of active sharing we practice. This is not to say that we don’t both gain much from our shared life together, or that we would be just as happy without each other.”

Neediness is Not Good for You and Your Relationship “Some people are a pleasure to be with. You feel a warm glow after leaving them. In contrast, there are people who drain you; after spending time with them, you feel exhausted. They’re angry, defensive or self-absorbed. One way or another, they’re needy. We’ve probably all had both of these experiences. When someone is wrapped up in themselves and completely absorbed in their own needs, there is little room for actually relating as two individuals coming together to exchange and support each other. When people enter or maintain a relationship to fill a sense of lack about themselves, it creates an imbalance, and continues the sense of that very lack they seek to fill. That kind of uneven exchange isn’t sustainable and does not benefit either partner. To have a relationship that brings the kind of visceral experience of peace that we describe, it is necessary to have both partners fully present and able to recognize themselves as separate individuals. Each must be actively working on themselves, getting to know themselves, and learning to recognize self-generated concerns. Our true sense of self-worth comes from learning to accept ourselves through the work we do, and not viewing ourselves through someone else’s lens.

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This week, we wrote that the secret to peaceful relationships is balance, not a balance sheet. Here are some other posts of ours that investigate this topic.

He’s Making a List and Checking it Twice “Measuring and comparing leads people to ignore the very differences that bring richness to the relationship in favor of some unified scale that seeks to put each partner on the same level in each activity. This brings a false picture of sameness and devalues the unique qualities each contributes. When you measure fairness in your relationship this way, you are certain to find inequalities. You feel that your contributions are not valued enough, that your partner is failing in execution or being unnecessarily meticulous, and when this is brought up, a whole list of grievances bursts forth, and the best you can hope for is a better awareness and a renegotiation of contributions. What’s underneath this need for fairness? A sense that you might get used, cheated, taken advantage of.”

Avoid Making Lists and Keeping Score in Your Relationships ” We don’t have an internal accountant maintaining a balance sheet tracking what we have each done in order to maintain fairness. We just don’t do it at all; it doesn’t even come up. Let’s take a look at why, and how this can be avoided. We are strongly aware that we are both on the same side and are assured that we are both acting for the good of our whole at all times. This comes from the deep matching of our most basic core values and the trust that this engenders. We know in a deep way that each of us does our very best and gives our fullest toward our common good. We both make different contributions and have different skills, and this creates a rich, full balance of action. We relate as equals, lovers and friends always wanting the best for each other. If there is ever a sense of dissonance, frustration or overload, then we communicate about it with each other. Grievances don’t accumulate because when differences come up between us, we talk about them, and this is easy precisely because we are on the same side.”

Why You Need to Avoid Keeping Score in Your Relationship “…we looked at the style of relating where making lists and keeping score is a common part of the relationship, or one partner’s interactions. Sometimes people do not feel assured that both they and their partner are truly on the same side. They remain in a state of assessing the other in terms of the balance of give and take, willingness to be there with full presence, and the balance of power. Exchanges and contributions to the shared life are seen more like deals than give and take. In these partnerships, total acceptance is not yet practiced. In a condition like this, one response is to be saving up ammunition for a possible attack; and by that, we mean when you are making lists of your own contributions, as well as your partner’s lack thereof. These are saved up, usually with tinges of resentment attached, for that day when, confronted by a list of your weaknesses or unequal contributions, you can fight back with a list of your own. This is often done unconsciously, but that list still resides somewhere near the surface to be called on at a moment’s suspicion of attack. Beware! Bringing forth lists tends to engender your partner’s lists! Our relationship has a different character and our exchanges seem devoid of measuring and comparing. So, we asked ourselves, “What are the characteristics of our relationship that prevent this type of relating?” We have a commitment to both being all in, which creates a sense of trust in the balance between each of our contributions. We accept each other as equal although sometimes vastly different. We are fully present, each pulling our weight, albeit in different areas and in different ways. This plays itself out on all levels, spiritual, mental, material. And we have seen this characteristic in many long-lasting and successful relationships. There is deep respect for the difference and uniqueness that leads to total acceptance of the other. Each partner brings a bouquet of attributes to merge into the whole.”

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This week, we wrote about how to avoid contention in your relationships. Here are some posts looking at different aspects of this topic.

How to Avoid Arguments and Resolve Disagreements in Relationships “An argument carries with it the sense of opposition and separation. It usually generates an overall negative energy, with emotions and behaviors that push people apart: anger, raised voices, irritation, impatience, and snippy responses like eye rolling. The stance of two people arguing is filled with a sense of needing to be right; with the belief that there are different sides and yours should be the winner in the exchange. Sadly, when arguing, nobody truly wins and the problem is never fully resolved. Arguments are inherently divisive and have their own escalation built into them. Disagreements, on the other hand, don’t degenerate into arguments when two factors are present: each of you know you’re on the same side, and you share core values that underlie your life’s decisions. When these two factors are present, disagreements can be seen for what they are: differing viewpoints or different desired actions, perhaps different wants or needs. Nothing more and nothing less.”

How Mutual Solutions Help You to Solve Disagreements and Avoid Arguments “Are you having disagreements that turn into arguments in your relationships? Are your different ideas about how to do things causing separation and distance between you and your partner, friend, relative? This can be changed! Disagreements come in different degrees. They range from the practical to the emotional, and can feel like a sheer 100 ft. cliff in your way. You can’t possibly imagine what a resolution could be. But here’s the thing. There will always be one, barring the rare cases where you break up or that this is a recurring argument that never gets resolved. There is a solution out there somewhere, even though you can’t imagine it in the face of that daunting 100 ft. cliff, and your current position probably isn’t it, so quit trying to defend it and go exploring instead. Here’s where the fun comes in. You can find a path toward mutual solutions: a place where both of you are happy, satisfied and even enriched beyond your original version of the solution. To do this, two factors are necessary: belief and intention. You need to believe that there is a place where the two of you can come together on an issue without either one of you feeling you are giving something up or deferring just to have peace. This is nothing like what is often referred to as compromise; that involves one or both parties giving something up to find a place that works for both of you. Compromise is quite different from finding a mutual solution.”

A New Way to Look at Differences in Relationships “PHIL: This is what happens with differences. The other person does (or doesn’t) do something. You get irritated, resentful, impatient, whatever. There are two obvious paths to fixing this. The other person changes, or you let go of that annoyance. The first isn’t full acceptance; the second one is. But there are also situations where you cannot put it aside. You’ve been hurt, or a commitment wasn’t met, or something else rankled. Speak about it, making it completely about your state, your feelings, your reactions; in other words, not about the other person. They will learn where you are at, and you may gain clarity by verbalizing them, too. This initiates a dialogue where the other person may make a change, or explain what they did (or why they did what they did) in a way that you had not previously seen.
MAUDE: After all, we’re all unique, so everyone is truly different. We’ve written about accepting differences and even celebrating them. But there’s another quality of interacting peacefully with others. That quality is a deep interest in and fascination with getting to know the other person. In other words, it’s not just accepting, it’s not even just celebrating; it’s the joy in learning and growing in the understanding of the other that is the key.
PHIL: And that surprise and pleasure is never-ending. it’s not like you get to know them and you end up knowing all about them to a degree that they become predictable. The otherness (which does not preclude the many agreements and similarities) will always be there to fascinate.”

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This week, we wrote about how to grow trust in your relationships. It is an important topic, and we have explored various aspects of it in previous posts.

The Secret to Deep, Peaceful Relationships is Quiet but Powerful Trust “Trust is an essential part of good relationships. The first thing I want to say about trusting someone is that it is not what they say, it is what they do. What they say about themselves or how they promise to be is not a basis for trust; instead, it is how they actually act in the world, and it takes time to learn how they behave under various circumstances. Trust is something that builds up slowly over time. The other side is how you show yourself to be trustworthy, and that is by being open and honest. The two operate together. Honesty is paramount; if the other person cannot be sure what you say is actually the case, how can they ever fully trust you? So you demonstrate that by being open, by sharing your feelings and responses. That’s not something we do fully as a matter of course; we use social graces to fit in. But as we come to trust another person, we can drop our persona and reveal more, so we become more trustworthy to the other person.”

How Trust and Peace go Hand in Hand in Your Relationships “We’ve been talking about trust as one of the most basic aspects of a peaceful relationship: what it feels like, how you get there, what behavior engenders it. I wanted to write about my personal experience, so to do that, I looked at 6 close relationships where I feel deep trust in the people and in the relationship, and I know that it is mutual. These were with Phil, 3 women friends, and my two sons. It’s easy to feel trusting with Phil because he shares who he is openly and without defenses. Over time, I have learned from his actions as well as his words that he wishes me well and cares deeply, seeks fairness, and is a compassionate person. He relates from love, not fear. And that is the same for each of these 6 relationships, and all the others I have that bear the fruits of peace and fulfillment.In looking at all of these relationships, I see much the same qualities, all expressed differently by each of the unique personalities. The experience of this trust has built over time. It takes time to slowly open to another and let go of your defenses, bit by bit. All of these are also without certain responses, like suspicion, withholding, distance, or deception. We accept each other for who we are.”

How Honesty Leads to Trust in Your Relationships “We humans are social animals who need each other to thrive. We need other people to smelt steel, grow wheat, bake pizza, print books, build pianos, and make toaster ovens. People have to work together and agree on how things are done. Along with that, we have to work out how to live together. For society to run smoothly, we copy each other in many ways: we all drive on the same side of the road, stop at red lights, exchange pieces of paper for meals, and dress similarly. At the same time, we’re individuals with our own ideas of how things should be, yet to live together, we need to moderate ourselves to fit in with other people. We have to hide a part of ourselves; we are not fully seen. Close relationships are the forum where we can change this and show ourselves completely. How does that transition occur?It starts with taking a small risk by being honest and expressing something that might be ridiculed or laughed at, used to shame you, or used against you. When your listener does not take advantage of this, but instead hears and sees you, it increases your trust in how open you can be with them, and you can progressively share more of yourself.”

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This week, we wrote that acceptance involves listening to more than the words in your relationships. Acceptance is a crucial part of relationships, and we’ve often written about it. Here are some of our posts.

How to Transform Your Relationship by Reaching Total Acceptance “The road that leads to truly peaceful relationships starts with becoming open and honest about yourself to yourself. The more you know who you are and accept yourself with all your foibles and strengths, the more you will be able to bring that to your relationships. Openness and honesty with others create a feedback loop that encourages the same kind of behavior from those you share this way of being with. It is self-reinforcing, as well as calming and reassuring. The sense that a person is sharing openly with you and is unafraid to disclose who they are is a powerful message to enter that relationship without fear. This engenders a feeling of trust. There is a sense of ever-growing relaxation, as well as a sense of growing closeness to these kinds of connections. When you can trust who you are with someone, and know that you do not have to be defended or on alert, it creates a deep and profound sense of peace. Over time, as you learn that the words are also carried over into actions, trust builds.”

Embracing Acceptance: How to Let Go of Annoyances in Relationships “So let’s assume that you wish to have peaceful relationships, where your exchanges support and stimulate each other. You may not achieve this all the time, but that is your basic intent. Then, it is worthwhile to examine and realize that you have a choice. The path toward picking a meaningful response is to be thoughtful rather than reactive. In another post on this issue, we suggested stopping and asking yourself, “What is important here?”. When I find myself ready to react with a snarky tone of voice or a provocative retort, I like to think about what is of meaning and value to me. Just venting doesn’t do anything for me, it usually makes me feel worse. And as Phil suggested, I’ll only have to go back and fix it later. This is a good opportunity for me to reflect upon what the value is for me in the exchange, and what is going on inside me that leads me to react so differently. So many challenging conversations can be turned into loving interactions by going for the value rather than the flash reaction. That kind of response usually serves no purpose other than to disturb the peace. I’m not talking about “keeping the peace at all costs”, but rather being peaceful within, as well as in my interactions”

How It’s Possible to Practice Acceptance in Your Relationships “This way of being, like many others, gets easier and smoother with practice. It brings with it an intense sense of relaxation and ease. The more you are unquestioningly accepted for who and how you are, the more freedom you have to be yourself. This exhibits itself most distinctly with those with whom you share living space, but it applies to all relationships, particularly the deep and intimate ones. It is best when a feeling of safety as well as ease is created through the way you relate. I want to include one other very important factor. Joy. It is an exquisite pleasure to be with people with whom you can share this way of being together. It feels so right and so natural. We long for the day when this practice spreads from the few to the many, and we can see that kinship between us all becomes a living reality.”

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