Reading Corner

Links related to the weekly posts.

 

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This week, we wrote that the secret to a peaceful relationship is realizing you’re on the same side. We consider this a very basic aspect of peaceful relationships, and here are several other posts we’ve written on this topic.

How Being on the Same Side Strengthens Your Relationships “One of the joys of this approach is the sense that Maude is both different from me and also not a threat of any sort, and it is an extraordinary sense, somewhat like looking at a cat or a bird or a tree and marveling that they each have their own completely different life. But with Maude, we have our humanity in common. I see her different ways of doing and being, and this gives me an opportunity to look at how I’ve (re)acted and leads me to look deeper into who I am, and adds to the sense of myself. MAUDE: We don’t feel that tension around differences because we know we are on the same side and that we both want that best possible outcome for all. It is never “my way or the highway,” and even when handling bigger issues, we know we are going to find a way to handle things that will make both of us feel right about it.”

There’s Only One Side in Peaceful Relationships—the Same Side “Compromise is a word that has different meanings to many. It is often interpreted as a means of giving up something in order to get something else. It is used in this way in both bargaining and negotiating. A basic definition of these terms points out the nature of the issue: “Bargaining is often described as a ‘win-lose’ scenario, where one party gains at the expense of the other, whereas negotiation aims for a ‘win-win’ outcome where both parties benefit.” In each of these styles of reaching solutions, there is an implied separateness between the people. You are on one side, and the other person is on a different side. Peaceful paths require a foundational understanding that you are both on the same side. What does it mean to be on the same side? In the relationship between Phil and me, as well as my other deepest relationships, we know as a given that we always want the best for each other. We know that we share values and meanings. We may, and do, use different words to talk about the same thing. Yet there lies between us a sense of the “we” present at all times; not two sides, but our side. Always asking “what is the ‘we’ solution to this?” is the peaceful path.”

How it Helps to Remember You’re on the Same Side in Relationships “We share a process for working out differences and solving problems that creates mutual solutions; ones in which neither party gives up what is important to them and where tensions, anger or distance can dissolve. (Some links to blogs describing this process appear at the bottom.) A foundational aspect of this process is approaching each other with the firm understanding that you are on the same side. Sometimes, if distance or estrangement has occurred in your relationships, this simple recognition will change the whole nature of your exchanges. Often being on the same side involves sharing basic values: you want the best for each other, you both want to come from love not fear, you want an answer that leaves you both feeling good and getting the basics of what you want or need.”

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This week, we wrote about why being friends is such an important part of your relationships. Here are some articles from others on how vital friendship is to relationships.

Friendship: The Most Important Ingredient in a Relationship “One relationship psychologist, Dr. Gottman, said that ‘long-term vitality and connection is maintained through moments of intentional friendship.’ And research shows that this couldn’t be more true! Couples who have a strong friendship with one another are more likely to enjoy each other’s company, respect each other’s ideas, and be more forgiving of each other’s mistakes. They know so much about each other, and they still accept the other for who they are. It doesn’t matter if the friendship is formed before or after the romantic relationship begins. But it is incredibly common for romance to blossom from friendship. In fact, it’s estimated that roughly 40% of couples were friends before evolving into a romantic relationship.”

Building a Meaningful Friendship with Your Partner “Friendship love refers to a bond of affection and companionship toward another person based on dimensions of camaraderie, such as shared interests or similar ideals. It’s the love you have for another person when romantic feelings aren’t a factor (even if they’re present). Though friendship love is sometimes used interchangeably with “platonic” love, Lynn Zakeri, a licensed clinical social worker from Chicago, explained the two aren’t exactly identical. Zakeri said, “There are many similarities between friendship and platonic love.” She further explained that friendship love can coexist with romantic love and not be separated from it. In other words, friendship love can be a part of romantic love, but platonic love refers specifically to non-romantic relationships.”

The science of why friendships keep us healthy “Psychological research from around the world shows that having social connections is one of the most reliable predictors of a long, healthy, and satisfying life. A review of 38 studies found that adult friendships, especially high-quality ones that provide social support and companionship, significantly predict well-being and can protect against mental health issues such as depression and anxiety—and those benefits persist across the life span (Pezirkianidis, C., et al., Frontiers in Psychology, Vol. 14, 2023; Blieszner, R., et al., Innovation in Aging, Vol. 3, No. 1, 2019). People with no friends or poor-quality friendships are twice as likely to die prematurely, according to Holt-Lunstad’s meta-analysis of more than 308,000 people—a risk factor even greater than the effects of smoking 20 cigarettes per day (PLOS Medicine, Vol. 7, No. 7, 2010). ‘In the face of life’s challenges, having a close friend to turn to seems to be a buffer or protective factor against some of the negative outcomes we might otherwise see,’ said Catherine Bagwell, PhD, a professor of psychology at Davidson College in North Carolina.”

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This week, we wrote about the we that exists with the separate self. Here are some previous posts that further develop some of the ideas presented.

Why Being Positive is so Powerful in Relationships and in the World “This struck us both and reminded us how critical it is to hear each other’s voices proclaiming the importance of spreading peace and the reality of peace; of how much we all need this and how this is the way to strengthen and promote this very reality. Shout it out. Sing it as loud as you can, wherever you are, in whatever way you can. I sense that a massive effort of the majority is called for to act and live and breathe out the reality that love is the strongest force and that we are not divided, but rather that we are related in a familial way. We can and must act, each in our sphere and in our own unique way, to contribute to this loud, certain declaration of light as supreme, of hope, and the way of kindness.”

The Balance Between Self-Reflection and Connection in Relationships “Phil and I often write about how important it is to your relationships to get to know yourself and the truths that reflect who you are right now. We have emphasized the need for self-reflection so that you can make appropriate choices that represent your values, rather than just reacting from conditioning or outdated behavior. We support taking time to listen inside, and to become attuned to which of the thoughts and feelings that pass through you are the ones you want to express and act upon. Seeking self-knowledge and becoming overly self-involved are not the same thing. The first creates an opportunity for increased conscious connection, and the second reduces it considerably. Many who embark on the path of self-realization lose themselves in the seeking and in the self. Balance is that important ingredient. Anything done to the extreme becomes an impediment rather than an element of growth.”

What We Have Learned About Peace And Harmony Through Our Relationship “Which leads to the second aspect of our relationship: that I feel seen, accepted and not controlled. Controlled may be too strong a word. I am talking about all those expectations of how a partner should behave: words of love, how the kitchen is kept, how time is spent. With full acceptance, expectations do not exist. No, it is more that her expectations are deeper than that; they go to our wedding vows of openness, truth and positivity, and because those commitments were given by me, not taken from me, they are not a burden. They are how I want to live. The result is that no part of me is nibbled away; I have no sense of losing myself, because I can be completely myself in this relationship. This, if you haven’t picked up on it already, gives our relationship an extraordinary radical quality of peace. I continue to learn who I am, how to be myself, how to disentangle from a lifetime of injunctions and expectations. For this I am profoundly grateful. Thank you, Maude. Thank you, thank you, thank you.”

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This week, we wrote about why constancy of connection is important in your relationships. These previous articles discuss aspects of that topic.

How To Deal With The Bumps You Encounter In Your Relationships “If you desire true peace within yourself and in your relationships, you too can find such a path. Peaceful relationships cultivate openness and trust. A constancy develops from knowing where the values lie within you and between you. The sense of safety derives from the repeated experience that the two of you are always on the same side. You approach each other from this trust, not as adversaries. This sense of trust allows a different behavior when moments of apparent clashing occur. You are interested in how the other person feels without any thought of who is right or wrong. You also feel safe and able to communicate what you are feeling. These sharings are devoid of blame and accusation. When you share about your feelings, it is clear you are talking about just that, how you feel. When you are listening, it is clear that you are hearing what the other person feels. It’s not at that point about you.”

Why Trust is so Important in All Your Relationships “We may all have a different list of what elicits trust in the other person. There are different aspects we translate into trustworthiness. Yet, whatever these are, we all recognize this feeling, when it is there and when it is not. Constancy is a big part of it. Are they always the same person, or does a completely different personality appear at times? For us, an important factor was experiencing that each of us remained the same person every time we encountered each other. That may sound strange to point out, but we had both had the previous experience of being in a relationship where we never knew who we might be interacting with when coming together. The moods, and it seemed the person, were ever changing. This caused a state of insecurity and unease. In our relationship, there is a constancy of personality expression that brings with it a feeling of peace and calm.”

How You Can Choose to Have a Better Relationship Now “Do you want to have relationships full of joy and peace, lacking in fights and arguments? If you do, really do, then it is possible for you to have that experience. Every relationship you have can be permeated by love and peace. If you want this it takes a choice; a choice to let go of seeing things in terms of separate sides, of winning and losing, of holding on to being right. True, making this choice is not magic, and there is a process to getting there. The more you practice this step by step in your relationships, the more natural it will be and the less effort required. How do we know this? The constancy of our relationship. The pervasiveness of knowing we’re on the same side. It’s like walking through life and having a path constantly appear before us; in other words, no obstacles ever arise. It feels completely automatic; a form of grace that has been given to us, yet at the same time, we know that it is something we’re doing. We don’t even notice doing it, except maybe occasionally when we have the choice between being kind and being snippy.”

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This week, we wrote about why an inner sense of safety is vital to peaceful relationships. Here are some previous posts that speak to different aspects of this question.

Why Respect is Important for Creating Peaceful Relationships “There is a much more vital aspect to feeling and behaving with respect in our intimate and deepest relations, and in developing this behavior in a way that we can spread out into the larger community. It is one that is much needed now to deal with the times we find ourselves in. It is also a basic component of all peaceful connections. When we relate to another, we have to do so with a profound respect for their sacrosanct nature. This understanding brings about an unexpected result. It means that we accept and honor the boundaries between ourselves and those of others. And strangely, by the very fact that we do that, the boundaries slowly disappear, along with any sense of separation and distance. By treating the other person with honor and an awareness of their unique person, we establish a deep sense of calm, trust and safety in the relationship.”

How It’s Possible to Practice Acceptance in Your Relationships “The coming together and finding a rhythm of living with each other was smooth and easy. There was a deep understanding between us that brought out a gentle openness to each other. We listened and heard what each of our individual needs were and merged into a flow of acceptance. Many of you associate acceptance with giving in and/or giving up. This is not what we refer to. It was clear that we all wanted nothing but the best for each other. No one was holding on to having any given situation be a certain way, while at the same time, there were specific needs and desires that one or the other of us had, that needed to be honored. This acceptance was total from the beginning, but it also grew in its expression as the days went by. It was gratifying to live through the path of total acceptance with others, as it is an important part of creating peaceful relationships. Having this experience that Phil and I live with, in the context of four people doing it together, was delicious and confirming. This way of being, like many others, gets easier and smoother with practice. It brings with it an intense sense of relaxation and ease. The more you are unquestioningly accepted for who and how you are, the more freedom you have to be yourself. This exhibits itself most distinctly with those with whom you share living space, but it applies to all relationships, particularly the deep and intimate ones. It is best when a feeling of safety as well as ease is created through the way you relate.”

How Honesty Leads to Trust in Your Relationships “Close relationships are the forum where we can change this and show ourselves completely. How does that transition occur? It starts with taking a small risk by being honest and expressing something that might be ridiculed or laughed at, used to shame you, or used against you. When your listener does not take advantage of this, but instead hears and sees you, it increases your trust in how open you can be with them, and you can progressively share more of yourself. Trust is measured in actions more than words, and your intuition knows better than your head. Be sure to check that this is a true intuition rather than your inner fears from past experiences. At some point, you can make the leap to total trust and total openness. This is a place where you can find yourself, you can dig down through the cultural assumptions. It is a place of great peace and calm. You can relax because this is a relationship of cooperation, not competition. You are both on the same side. You are in tune with the deep sense that we need each other to survive and thrive.”

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