Reading Corner

Links related to the weekly posts.

 

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This week, we wrote about a new way to look at differences in relationships. Here are some earlier posts of ours on differences.

How To Deal With Differences In Your Relationships “I am a firm believer that we can change the world by spreading peace one relationship at a time. The reason I am so sure that this works is because I have personal experience that it does. The kind of living peace that Phil and I enjoy has changed the way I relate to everyone else. Not only do I find myself acting differently in all my relationships, but there is a feedback loop that occurs where those who are treated more lovingly, more respectfully and more appropriately, change and start to do the same. ”

How to Create Peaceful Relationships by Balancing Your Differences “I suggested that we write about the sense of equality between us, but Maude said that she sees equality as a measuring word, a counting up of who has done what, so she doesn’t relate to it, and it’s not a word that she uses. It needs to be described in a different way, so let’s start with differences, which sound like the opposite of equality. Here, I’m looking at how we are different, not having differences; that’s a whole other conversation. We have different skills, strengths, capabilities, and interests; they can’t be tallied up like Olympic scoring. How do you value the ability to soothe a grazed knee against balancing a checkbook?”

How Can Relationship Differences Lead to Peace, not Anger or Resentment? “In our book, individuality and acceptance have different chapters, but as we came to put together a course, we found that the two are so intertwined that we needed to put them together into a single session. So today I’d like to explore how the two are connected. Coming to terms with the fact that your partner is different from you can be a challenge. It’s not just your partner but anyone. It’s fine when you agree, but when you don’t, how can anybody be so stupid? Obviously you have the right answer, know the correct route, stack the dishwasher properly, can see the couch is the wrong color, and know the best way to handle a tantrum in a supermarket. You’re right and everybody else is…less right.”

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This week, we wrote about how it is possible to practice acceptance in your relationships. Here are some articles on differences and how to navigate them and find a place of acceptance.

Rebuilding Emotional Safety: How to Accept Differences in a Relationship “In addition to using soft start-ups and practicing fair fighting, another effective tool to establish a healthy emotional environment and safety within a relationship is accepting your partner for who they are.  When stress is high or conflict is prominent, it can be easy to criticize your partner or point out their flaws.  However, for long-term relationship success, the practice of acceptance and accepting your partner for all that they are promotes understanding, respect, and relationship success.”

Accepting Other People’s Differences “Respecting both similarities and differences in others opens doors to many opportunities. You’ll learn new things and make better decisions, which in turn will help your career and improve your self-confidence. Others notice our openness, which can lead to new friendships,exciting travel opportunities, or simply makes us more interesting because of our broader worldview. In intimate relationships, differences are often a source of conflict, but they can just as easily be a blessing. Each partner’s unique perspective helps eliminate blind spots for the other one; their distinct skills can compliment weakness of the other. I lean on my wife for advice when I need to be diplomatic; she counts on me to navigate when we travel together.”

Exploring Similarities and Differences in Relationships! “Again, similarities are great, but the truth is we all naturally have differences as well. Having dislikes about random things your spouse does or differences in areas of life that are important to you but not to them does not necessarily mean a relationship is doomed.  What it boils down to is a willingness to work toward acceptance and appreciation of these differences. Am I able to truly accept this difference in value, spirituality, life goal, and way of operating, OR, does accepting this difference in my partner extinguish a piece of my soul and dim my own individuality in any way?”

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This week, we wrote about how to remove tension and find peace in your relationships. These writers offer a number of ways (Eleven! Seven!)  to do just that.

Signs that Stress May Be Affecting Your Relationship “The effects of stress on your relationship can be easily overlooked, allowing larger problems to arise. Knowing the warning signs can help keep you and your relationship healthy. Stress is an unavoidable part of life and can come from many sources. Work, finances, and family are all common areas for stress to arise. In times of emotional stress, we try to find ways to cope and move on. But coping with stress doesn’t mean eliminating it. Learning to effectively manage stress is important. Over time, stress can impact several aspects of your life and health, including your relationship.”

Love, factually: 11 tips to reduce relationship stress “You might know your love language, but do you know your ‘stress language’? Upward of 93% of human communication is nonverbal. Body language, facial expressions, auditory sounds and written communication methods can all convey stress without a word having been spoken. ‘If I come home after a long, stressful day of work and I am avoiding conversation and am not able to verbalize that stress, I am still communicating my stress in other ways,’ Randall said. The key is understanding how you communicate your stress and how your partner communicates their stress to facilitate effective communication despite any differences between these ‘stress languages’.”

7 ways to manage relationship stress “When you have a disagreement with someone, what do you do? Do you tend to ignore the problem or avoid the person? Do you confront them right away? Do you look for compromise? Everyone approaches conflict differently. When addressing conflict, it can be helpful to know your own style as well as your roommate or family member’s style. Knowing how you both address conflict can help you find common ground and navigate where your styles may clash.”

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This week, we wrote about how to embrace differences, not trip over them. Here are a few articles with thoughts on this topic.

How Can You Delight in the Differences in Your Relationships? “An important way to treat differences is to see their benefits. They bring diversity and broaden the possibilities available to you. They add to what you have, rather than taking away. They bring other ways to do things, see things, think about things. When you can relax and appreciate and enjoy those differences, you are expanding your view of what is possible and how to be in the world…”

Conflict in Relationships: Help Make Peace, Not War “As we grow into understanding ourselves—what triggers us and how we deal with our own difficulties—we make way for a more peaceful relationship. Think about this, there’s a fight, and instead of worrying about the next thing you are going to say to your partner, you think about how you got your feelings hurt.”

One Critical Rule to Having Peaceful Relationships “That brings us to the second element in this rule: the relationship agreement. Every relationship operates with some explicit and/or implicit agreements. In society, between people who live amongst each other, the relationship agreement consists of explicit laws and implicit cultural rules. In the workplace, the agreement consists of the codes of conduct and role expectations. In families or romantic relationships, sometimes there are explicit ground rules in addition to various implicit expectations. Understanding and adapting to how these rules and agreements, explicit or implicit, change across contexts is imperative for successful, healthy relationships. For peaceful relationships, in any context or dynamic, we must start with clarity about what is expected of each person to make sure everyone has agreed to and is willing to participate in the relationship under this agreement. We cannot expect others to read our minds or adhere to non-explicit or non-agreed-upon rules. If you believe some rules or expectations are implied, and the other individual(s) is not living up to those expectations, then perhaps you need to make the agreement more explicit. The clearer we are about what is expected of everyone, the better. And then, we all must agree to such expectations of our own will and volition. Once the rules are set and everyone has agreed, we cannot expect someone to behave above, beyond, or outside of that structure. We should not force, constrain, or judge others to be or do something other than what they have agreed to.”

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This week, we said that it’s important to know you can choose peaceful relationships. Here are some articles on different aspects of this choice.

Reality as a Social Construct “Just as socialization is mostly determined by the world and culture around us, our perception of the world is also influenced by external forces. Consider your own society, for example. A society describes a group of people who live in a defined geographical area, interact with one another, and share a common culture. How do you think your society was “constructed”? Who decided upon the appropriate social norms and behaviors that shape your reality and experience? Sociologists understand that reality is socially constructed, meaning that people shape their experiences through social interaction.”

The Secret to Peaceful Relationships “So here is the dilemma: We develop an expectation about someone else’s future behavior; then, if the expectation isn’t met, we experience an emotional reaction. The way out of this dilemma is to get in touch with one of life’s big questions, which is, “What do you really want?” Do you want to set yourself up to experience internal stress and bring struggle into your relationships – or do you want to feel a sense of internal – and interpersonal – ease and well-being?”

Cultivating peaceful relationships “…The above examples relate to peace as an end goal, as something to achieve. There is, however, another context for understanding the term peace. This context refers to a personal inner orientation that shapes our relationships and actions. Within such a context peace is experienced as the inner freedom to live and act in our world in accord with a value of nonviolence.”

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