Reading Corner

Links related to the weekly posts.

 

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In this week’s blog, we wrote about how you can see differences in your relationships as welcome additions. Here are a few articles discussing how to handle differences in your relationships.

Me and my partner have very different values “Some people worry that having different values or ideas to their partner – on, say, things like religion, politics or morality – means it’s likely they’re going to run into problems further down the line. And while it’s true that having opposing opinions on big subjects can create friction, it’s by no means a sign that you can’t work as a couple. One thing counselling tries to help people understand is that differences aren’t usually the problem: it’s how you deal with them that matters!”

How The Differences Keep A Relationship Together “When it comes to relationships, it’s easy to feel that like goes with like: people with similar interests, careers, backgrounds and life views are attracted to one another and stick together. Wrong. In fact, more often than not, it’s been argued that our differences make us stronger. Think about it: if we end up with people just like us, we won’t be exposed to new activities or ways of overcoming challenges. Our relationship won’t have quite so many nuances. And we won’t have to get out of our comfort zone.”

How the Differences in Your Relationship Can Be Gifts “It’s in our nature as humans to gravitate towards those who have interests similar to our own. And in many ways, this serves us well. On the other hand, it doesn’t leave much room for experiencing all that life has to offer…. By opening ourselves up to another way of living and being, we can make more educated decisions about what we want our own lives to look like. These varied life experiences allow us to express ourselves more fully and be more authentically present in the world.”

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This week in our blog, we wrote about how to keep all your long-term relationships vital and fresh. Here are some articles that deal with partnership relationships, although we wrote from the perspective of all relationships.

Six Tips to Keep Long-Term Relationships Exciting “The idea that the excitement of a relationship is sentenced to only the first months or even years a couple is together is completely false. When it comes to a long-term relationship with a partner we ourselves chose, we can maintain the thrill of being in love, and deepen our feelings of passion and intimacy. However, to do this means avoiding certain behaviors, habits, and traps that couples commonly fall into the longer they stay together.”

Keeping the Spark Alive in Your Relationship “When loving feelings fade in a relationship, people say that they “just don’t feel the same way that they once did” towards their partner. They often attribute the demise of passion to some fault of their partner or believe that fondness and affection inevitably dwindle over time. However, neuroscience research shows that the brain regions associated with early-relationship passion can stay just as active 20 years later in a relationship. Passion doesn’t just die out.”

How to Keep a Relationship Alive, According to Experts “Long-term relationships, whether you’re married or not, can bring an element of stability and comfort to one’s life. What begins as the honeymoon stage where everything feels wonderful and potential red flags are ignored, naturally progresses to the stage where your true selves are revealed and commitment is formed. Relationships are continually evolving experiences that both parties are responsible for shaping and investing in. Along the way, however, life can seem to complicate maintaining and renewing that spark—from raising children to major or unexpected changes at work (such as a layoff or a promotion that means more travel) or a partner’s health, it may seem like the cards are stacked against you. Still, there’s a way to have the best of both worlds—the passion of new love and the benefits of a long-term relationship.”

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This week, we asked what kind of commitment each of you want in your relationship. We suggest that it’s good to talk about what your commitment is before discussing the specific decisions involved in making a life together. Here are some articles with different aspects of commitment.

10 Questions to Help You Tell If You’re Ready to Commit “How does anyone know what he or she will want 10 years from now, or whether a current commitment will morph into a lasting one? Of course, total security has always been an illusion, yet there must be some way to know when a potential relationship is worth the investment. Having spent over 100,000 intimate hours with clients over the last four decades, I believe there are still some solid criteria to help men and women decide between long-term partnering or short-term exploration.”

Here is what real commitment to your marriage means “What does being committed to your marriage really mean? UCLA psychologists answer this question in a new study based on their analysis of 172 married couples over the first 11 years of marriage.”

8 Real Ways to Keep a Committed Relationship Healthy “As you and your partner become more serious and transition from newly dating into a more long term committed relationship, your relationship will likely experience some changes. A more long term relationship comes with lots of benefits like becoming closer and more comfortable around each other, but it also comes with more difficulties as you navigate life as a couple. Keeping a committed relationship exciting and viable often involves work – but it doesn’t have to be complicated. Focusing on establishing healthy habits for yourself, encouraging these things in your partner and creating healthy standards for your relationship will keep your committed relationship going!”

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This week, we said that you have to believe in a peaceful relationship and intend to have one. Here are some other people on belief and intention, plus a post of our from some time ago with the same message in different words.

The 4 Qualities Of A Conscious Relationship, From A Marriage Therapist “Why do people struggle so hard to make relationships work? Part of the reason is because we’re entering into relationships for the wrong reasons. People find themselves unsatisfied in love because they lack a true purpose for being in it. The antidote? Moving toward what I like to call conscious relationships.”

How to Attract Peaceful & Nurturing Relationships “I remember being in one romantic relationship where the fighting seemed endless. It reflected everything I didn’t want in my life, but it also reflected my subconscious beliefs. Beliefs that relationships can’t ever feel easy, that they had to hurt, that they had to weaken us. Beliefs that I wasn’t good enough to expect something better. I knew it was those beliefs that brought that relationship into my life. Eventually, I just couldn’t take it anymore… I wanted peace. I wanted understanding. I wanted my relationships to feel calm, nurturing and, most of all, respectful.”

Why Are Intention and Belief Important in Relationships? This is a post of ours from 2015 “There are but two simple steps to having a wonderful relationship: believing such a relationship can exist, and intending to have one. It can’t be that simple, you say, or everyone would do it. Well, it is, yet they don’t. Let me explain in more detail.”

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In our blog this week, we wrote about why both comfort and novelty are important for all your relationships. This is a well researched area; here are some good takes on it.

Balancing Novelty And Comfort In Romantic Relationships “We expect a lot from our partners. On the one hand, we develop relationships based on love and romance. We yearn for attraction, excitement, a spark. On the other hand, when we’re forging lifelong partnerships, we also seek stability, reliability, and a predictable, comfortable status quo with a lot of emotional safety.”

Why Do We Seek Comfort in the Familiar? (also a podcast) “Okay, so now we’ll get to her question. She writes, “I’m squarely in my most productive years — I’m 39 — but I’ve noticed that whenever I feel particularly tired, I turn to the comfort of familiar things: the bands I love, the books and movies I’ve already read and seen, the poetry that I love, etc. I wonder if there is existing research that explains whether that is common and also whether the need to find comfort in the familiar increases with age, and conversely, whether the desire to try out new things requires both a positive outlook on life and the physical energy to do so.” So, let’s start there. Angie, what say you to that query?”

Seeking Novelty in Marriage? Don’t Forget Self-Expansion; 6 Things to Consider as You Shake Things Up “That lusty, unstoppable, boundless feeling of falling in love has a lot to do with novelty. It is no surprise that as we become familiar with one another novelty tapers off and perhaps some of that initial “effortless” love wanes as well. But what about self-expansion? Dr. Arthur Aron’s self-expansion model tells us two things; as humans we are forever motivated to expand and that we often achieve this expansion through our close relationships. Novelty in marriage (or any relationship) nourishes that desire for self-expansion. We feel better, confident, and more fulfilled in our relationships.”

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