Reading Corner

Links related to the weekly posts.

 

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This week, we wrote that it’s important to avoid assumptions in your relationship. Here are three good articles about assumptions and their negative effects, and a delightful video to boot.

Making Assumptions RUINS Relationships “Making assumptions can cause undue stress and drama, as well as destroy our relationships and even prevent us from having the kind of loving relationships we desire. Whether you are searching for someone special, have been dating a few months, or been married for years, you can improve your life and relationships by not making assumptions.”

5 Misunderstandings That Will Cause Problems In Your Closest Relationships “While every relationship encounters a misunderstanding from time to time, there are some relationships that are plagued by them. Misunderstandings, simply defined, are when these two people’s perceptions collide. Your partner thinks of the situation in one way, and you see it in another. As a couples therapist, my job is to help couples communicate, and to teach effective strategies on how to navigate through these miscommunications. Here are the five most common reasons couples, or those in relationship, misunderstand each other.”

8 Causes of Miscommunication and Misunderstanding “Ever since our ancestors uttered their first grunts, miscommunication has been a part of our daily lives. A customer misreads a policy; a colleague misinterprets a to-do; a couple clashes over a misunderstanding of who was supposed to pick up the kid. One would have thought that miscommunication would drop with the advancement of technology. Alas, this hasn’t been the case. We’re more connected than ever, yet we seem to stray only further from mutual understanding. The first step is to understand where things are going wrong. Here are eight common causes of miscommunication and misunderstanding.”

Lastly, here’s a charming video about assumptions.

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This week, we wrote about the powerful value of play in a relationship. Many studies bear this out. Here are some details and statistics about how play affects us all.

The Power of Play “…play’s value among adults is too often vastly underrated. We would all agree that play lifts stress from us. It refreshes us and recharges us. It restores our optimism. It changes our perspective, stimulating creativity. It renews our ability to accomplish the work of the world. By anyone’s reckoning, those are remarkably worthy achievements. But there is also evidence that play does much more.”

The Importance of Play for Adults “Our society tends to dismiss play for adults. Play is perceived as unproductive, petty or even a guilty pleasure. The notion is that once we reach adulthood, it’s time to get serious. And between personal and professional responsibilities, there’s no time to play. ‘The only kind [of play] we honor is competitive play,'”

Have Fun! The Importance of Play in Couple Relationships (pdf) “Playing together increases bonding, communication, conflict resolution, and relationship satisfaction (Baxter, 1992; Betcher, 1977; Kopecky, 1996; Vanderbleek, 2005). Play can also promote spontaneity when life seems routine, serve as a reminder of positive relationship history, and promote intimacy (Baxter, 1992; Lauer & Lauer, 2002). Having fun together can help couples feel positive emotions, which can increase relationship satisfaction, help couples to unite in order to overcome differences and give hope when working through difficult challenges”

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This week, we wrote that neediness is not good for you and your relationship. Here are some articles with suggestions on how to handle this issue.

5 Ways to Become Less Emotionally Needy In Relationships “Most of us feel ’emotionally needy’ at times in relationships – meaning that during a difficult or challenging time in our life, we need more emotional support than usual. I get it. Its pretty common. We all long to be understood, supported, loved, and accepted. And it’s ok to feel this way – periodically. Yet, being overly emotionally needy – too demanding, clingy, annoying, fragile – can spell disaster for your relationship. Being a healthy person means standing on your own, being able to tolerate aloneness, and manage their own ‘sh*t. That’s how healthy relationships thrive and grow.”

The Problem With Neediness (Or: The Anti-Sex Equation) “There’s a recurring thread I’ve seen lately online, whether it’s in the comments here or in a few of the other forae where I lurk: an increasing sense of desperation for a relationship. As we’re running headlong into the holiday season, it’s only natural for the singletons amongst us to look around at all of the happy couples with a certain level of bitterness and envy. When you’re single and alone in a season that celebrates relationships and togetherness1 it’s hard not to feel an empty hole in your life that can only be filled with the sort of love that’s only found in coffee commercials.”

How to overcome neediness, grasping and withdrawal in relationships “We’re wired for attachment – that’s why babies cry when separated from their mothers. Depending especially on our mother’s behaviour, as well as later experiences, we develop a style of attaching that affects our behaviour in close relationships. We seek or avoid intimacy along a continuum, but generally we fall into one of the following three attachment styles whether we’re dating or in a long term relationship. (We all have an element of each of these styles too.) The question is, what is your predominant attachment style? That’s where majority of your work, your GOLD will be. “

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This week, we wrote about supporting the growth of the other person in your relationship. This sounds obvious but proves to be a challenge for many people. Here are some articles that may help with this.

Partner Power: Supportive Relationships Linked To Personal Development “Your romantic partner can be a source of encouragement or discouragement and whether they uplift you or deflate you can determine what you achieve in life. New research also suggests that if you have a partner that is supportive, you are more likely to take advantage of opportunities for personal growth that come your way (Feeney et al. 2017). On the other hand, if your partner is not so supportive of you in your relationship, you are more likely to forgo opportunities for personal growth.”

11 Ways To Be Independent In A Romantic Relationship, No Matter What “It’s very important to have independence in a relationship. Successful, healthy relationships allow for the both people to form a bond which lets them to not only grow together but also to grow independently as people. It’s essential to have your own sense of autonomy while feeling you can depend on each other.”

How to Build a Relationship Based on Interdependence “Interdependence suggests that partners recognize and value the importance of the emotional bond they share while maintaining a solid sense of self within the relationship dynamic. An interdependent person recognizes the value of vulnerability, being able to turn to their partner in meaningful ways to create emotional intimacy. They also value a sense of self that allows them and their partner to be themselves without any need to compromise who they are or their values system.”

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This week, we wrote about how to stop irritation poisoning your relationship. Here are a number of writers discussing how to keep your relationship free from squabbles.

Why You Pick Fights With Your Partner — and How to Stop “Many of us are more open and vulnerable with our partner than almost anyone else, so it makes sense that we’d be more reactive to them and more affected by their responses. However, what we’re reacting to often goes deeper than what’s going on at the surface. We all have impactful experiences and unique attachment histories that shape our behavior, as well as our expectations about how relationships work.”

11 Hints for Resolving Relationship Irritations “…while we’re taught not to sweat the small stuff and to pick our battles, it’s these tiny transgressions that can build and become big stumbling blocks in a relationship. (For instance, a longitudinal study of 373 married couples found that happy couples do sweat the small stuff and work to resolve these issues right away.) So how do you resolve relationship annoyances without nitpicking, nagging or tiptoeing around your partner (and fuming on the inside)?”

5 Things to Do When You Are So Annoyed With Your Partner “Unfortunately, as you settle into a life together, you may discover that your true selves can be quite annoying. What used to seem exciting, enchanting, or intriguing now drives you nuts—sloppy habits, irrational perspectives, unreasonable standards, unskilled communication, bad fashion choices. The kindness, patience, and forgiveness that once ran thick now run thin.”

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