Reading Corner

Links related to the weekly posts.

 

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In this week’s blog, we wrote about how to balance structure and flow in your relationship. Here are two articles that make a good case for being flexible in your life and relationships, and one about how to set joint goals.

Why We Should All Give Up On Goals Already “To be successful or fulfilled, we all know you need to have specific goals. To achieve them, you should visualise, plan your steps there and attach deadlines and incentives. Work hard, even if you hate the work. And never stray from the path. But that outlook, say a growing number of academic researchers, career coaches and thought leaders, isn’t only flawed; it may also, ironically, be keeping us from success.”

Optimize your life for productivity and flexibility “I’m talking about flexibility of course, and in this article I will focus on how to develop and keep flexibility in personal life as the ultimate competitive advantage. If you aren’t flexible by nature, this article is a must read. Think about what happened to the dinosaurs only because they weren’t flexible enough.”

The guide to relationship goal setting “When it comes to New Year goals and your relationship there are two considerations. Firstly, setting personal goals often involves considering your romantic partner and whether your goal is going to require any involvement or support from them. Secondly, it can be worthwhile to use the New Year period to set some shared goals as well. Here are some tips for discussing and setting goals as a couple.”

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In this week’s blog, we wrote about how truth transforms arguments in your relationship. Here are some articles that cover this from various viewpoints.

How Secrets and Lies Destroy Relationships “…in an intimate relationship, emotional honesty includes allowing our partner to know who we are. Honesty is more than simply not lying. Deception includes making ambiguous or vague statements, telling half-truths, manipulating information through emphasis, exaggeration, or minimization, and withholding feelings or information that is important to someone who has a right to know, because it affects the relationship and deprives that person of freedom of choice and informed action.”

The 1 Question That Can Save Your Relationship “Sometimes fights with your partner are about core issues in the relationship that need to be hashed out, and these types of arguments can be productive. But other times fights are the result of people trying desperately to get their point across, while failing to understand the other person’s point. These types of fights are far less productive. Luckily, there’s one question that can shift the dynamic of these fights almost instantly. That question is… ‘What do you need from me?'”

9 Steps to Better Communication Today “Relationships don’t exist in a vacuum. They exist between two emotional human beings who bring their own past experiences, history, and expectations into it. Two different people also have different levels of skill when it comes to communication. But better communication, because it is a skill, can also be learned.”

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In this week’s blog, we discussed why touch is so important in your relationships. There is so much to say to this topic that we chose to pick four articles this week that cover different aspects.

Why Physical Touch Is So Important in Relationships “Scientific studies have shown that touch can be decoded as a form of nonverbal communication across a diversity of developed countries. Touch can communicate tenderness, compassion, anger, love, gratitude, happiness and fear within mere seconds. … We feel more connected to someone if they touch us. Just the physical act of a kind and warm touch lowers one’s blood pressure and releases the ‘love hormone,’ oxytocin.”

The Power of Touch “Yet until recently, the idea that people can impart and interpret emotional content via another nonverbal modality—touch—seemed iffy, even to researchers … [who] demonstrated that we have an innate ability to decode emotions via touch alone.”

The Importance of Physical Touch Why some of us need cuddle therapy “After Laura’s 30 year marriage ended, she realized that she too was touch deprived. This is what led her to train as a cuddle professional at the Cuddle Sanctuary in Los Angeles. The training gave her language in areas around contact, boundaries, consent, and being able to say ‘no’ and ‘yes’ to different kinds of contact.”

Physical Contact in Different Cultures “…many of us travel to foreign countries and suddenly find out that even the smallest habits they are accustomed to might not be recognized for what they are. The meaning of actions, body language, expressions or the boundaries of personal space change from culture to culture and the impact of our interactions goes beyond our intentions.”

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In this week’s blog, we discussed how to find mutuality in your relationship. Here are some articles discussing mutuality from a variety of viewpoints.

When Love Is Kind: Mutuality In Relationships (Tina Tessina is one of our favorite relationship writers; see our Friday feature.) “Many people ask me, “How will I know if I’m in love?” Answer: Anyone who’s in love usually knows it; the real question should be are we mutually in love, or am I wasting my time? If you want to be secure in your primary relationship, knowing how to create mutuality and work together greatly increases the chance that you’ll make it as a couple. When I’m counseling couples on the verge of divorce, it’s amazing how establishing mutuality allows the love to come back.”

Moving Toward A Mutual Vulnerability In Your Relationship! “When thinking about couples in conflict, one can imagine one or both partners feeling hurt and vulnerable. This can at times result in one or both partners wanting to close up and protect themselves from further hurt…the furthest thing from surrendering power. Each partner may have thoughts such as, “I am not letting my guard down” or may be suspicious of what their partner will do next. Sometimes this position of defensiveness may not even be conscious.”

4 Essential Ways to Build Mutuality in Marriage “Have you been flipping through the pages of your wedding photo book, feeling nostalgic about your classic, romantic wedding poses and the sweet moments you had during your big day several years ago? Are you starting to wish things were as rosy as the early years of your marriage? If your marriage is on the rocks, observe your partnership first before you consult a counselor—you may just need to work on mutuality.”

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In this week’s blog, we discussed the experience of being on the same side, how to recognize it weakening, and what to do about it. We found hardly any articles that focused on that experience; most write about how to return to that state, rather than how to avoid losing it.

The Fine Art of Deciding Together “Contract thinking begins with the self-absorbed idea that life owes us something — happiness, comfort, ease, whatever — and that relationships shouldn’t get in the way of us achieving these things. … By contrast, covenantal thinking begins with the idea that the bond means everything, beginning with a thankful heart and an eagerness to work with others, not around them. Covenantal thinkers don’t begin with “you and me,” but rather “we,” and they build togetherness by promising to be loyal, to work through issues, and perhaps most of all — to make decisions together.”

Solve Your Relationship Problems Once and for All “Does it seem like you have the same fights, over and over? You’re not alone. Learning to rethink how you view conflict can help couples grow closer. Then, the next step is having the right strategies in place for dealing with your problems. Here are three different ways of solving your relationship problems:”

The 7 Best Tips for Handling Anger and Resentment in Relationships “So what is the solution to dealing with resentment against your spouse and its possible escalation to anger? The solution is to channel the shock at your spouse’s behavior into empathy, to try and understand them, and to come at the situation trying to see their perspective. It’s trite to say, but that’s because it is advice which is perennial. If it were easy, no one would need to talk about it much.”

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