Reading Corner

Links related to the weekly posts.

 

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In this week’s blog, we suggested that you reframe your feelings and change your relationship. These articles cover the research, some excellent techniques, and a clear discussion of boundaries.

You’re Excited, Not Nervous. You Just Keep Telling Yourself That. “When you are nervous, people like to tell you to calm down, despite the fact that telling someone to calm down rarely, if ever, results in anyone actually calming down. Anyway, as Olga Khazan notes today in the Atlantic, the research shows that we are likely getting this backward — instead of attempting to tamp down your nerves, it may be better to keep them revved up.”

A Practical Guide To Reframing Your Thoughts And Making Yourself Happier “Our minds are constantly bombarded with negative thoughts, visions of horrible things that may happen to us, and terrifying reasons not to do the things we want to do. And yet in the end, these horrible things rarely happen. The thoughts cause pain by twisting yourself into thinking that things are not “kol beseder” (everything is ok, or s’all good, in Hebrew). The worst part is that these thoughts disturb us for so long and we never do anything about them! Well, that’s about to change.”

Why Healthy Relationships Always Have Boundaries & How to Set Boundaries in Yours “In romantic relationships we often think of boundaries as a bad thing or simply unnecessary. Isn’t our partner supposed to anticipate our wants and needs? Isn’t that part of being in love? Aren’t boundaries callous? Don’t they interfere with the romance and spontaneity of a relationship? Many of Ryan Howes’s clients assume that having boundaries means not having loving feelings toward their partner. But it’s actually the opposite.”

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In this week’s blog, we wrote about the paradox of union and separateness in a relationship. Here are some excellent articles on this subject.

The Central Paradox of Love: Esther Perel on Reconciling the Closeness Needed for Intimacy with the Psychological Distance That Fuels Desire “How to live with those paradoxes, rather than succumbing to the self-defeating urge to treat them as problems to be solved, is what Belgian psychotherapist and writer Esther Perel explores in Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence (public library). Drawing on decades of her own work with couples and a vast body of psychological literature, Perel offers an illuminating and consolatory perspective on intimate relationships and our conflicting needs for security and freedom, warmth and wildness.”

How to Not Lose the “Me” When Becoming a “We” “The question is: how to be in a relationship and not lose yourself; how to be part of a We without losing Me. What makes being in a relationship tricky is that it provides the opportunity for two completely different experiences. On the one hand, it is an opportunity for two individuals to be supported by each other’s appreciation and love for the person their partner is. Both partners are enhanced by such an association, and flourish and grow as people.”

Relationship Success: Balancing Togetherness and Individuality “Maintaining individuality is critical to establishing a long-lasting, healthy partnership. Therefore, equal efforts between attending to oneself and making the relationship work are necessary. Personal boundaries are the limits we set for ourselves as individuals in relationships. They protect our sense of personal identity and help guard against being overwhelmed by the demands of others.”

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In this week’s blog, we wrote about honesty in your relationship, and we’ve found some great articles on this topic.

Love and honesty: what we hide and why we lie “I want to talk about honesty and dishonesty and how it comes into play in relationships…. This is about emotional honesty – the habits and ways of being that seem small, but actually create who you are and how you form bonds with others. Because the simple act of being honest can change your life in awesome earth-shattering ways. What I’m talking about is kind of like emotional lying – it’s subtler and therefore insidious in how it hurts your life – and it’s tied a struggle with acceptance. What I hope to offer is insight into why either you are “shielding” others from the truth or why others are doing this to you. I’d also like to sell you on the amazing and powerful benefits of being honest and letting go of control. Because that practice has amazing benefits in your life. Without further ado – three parts: what why and how!”

Do You Have an Honest Relationship? “For all the great things we say about being honest – that it’s the best policy or that the truth shall set us free – research tells us that we aren’t all that great at it. According to studies by Dr. Bella DePaulo, people lie in one in five of their interactions. These lies aren’t only to strangers or peripheral figures in our lives. Couples deceive each other all the time. DePaulo’s research showed that dating couples lie to each other about a third of the time, while married couples do so in about one in 10 interactions. While people seem to tell fewer of the “little” or “everyday” lies to loved ones, 64 percent of serious lies (“deep betrayals of trust”) involve people’s closest relationship partners.”

What Do We Mean By Honesty in a Relationship? “I have worked with many individuals who come into therapy because they are unhappy in their relationship. They share with me what makes them unhappy about their loved one, meaning what that person does or doesn’t bring to the relationship. When I ask the question, “Does your partner know how you feel?” the answer is almost always, “No.” There are many reasons they haven’t shared how they feel. Some don’t want to hurt their partner, while others worry about the reaction they will receive. Some express, “What’s the point? It won’t make a difference anyway.” However, sharing your true feelings is an important aspect of honesty in a relationship and deserves your attention.”

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In this week’s blog, we asked how do differences in your relationship strengthen it? Here are some other articles covering aspects of that.

Relationship advice: five experts reveal the secrets to long-term love “One of the more ridiculous myths about “true love” is the idea of the soulmate – that there is someone out there who is your perfect match. A good relationship is about navigating the numerous differences between you – over politics, food, money, how to raise children. It’s those differences that make life more interesting, as our lover opens up a whole new way of seeing or understanding the world. Enjoy what others have to offer rather than trying to change them to fit your own template of how life and love should be.”

10 Ways Overcome Conflicts in Relationships and Grow Together “About six months into a serious relationship with my boyfriend, we started experiencing major conflict. Fighting over small things, flipping out over misunderstandings, we just couldn’t seem to get on the same page about anything. This caused me to think about relationship conflict in general, what causes it, and how to deal with it.”

Relationships and how to manage them well “Human relationships are infinitely complex and problems can manifest from many different sources. It can be helpful to take time to explore and unpick the mixture of these influences.”

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In this week’s blog, we write about the fundamental requirement for finding mutual decisions and solving problems in relationships. These links are about how couples can deal with relationship problems.

Equal Partnerships: What Do They Really Consist Of? “When you see some couples that seem happier, more balanced and equitable than others, do you ever wonder: What do they know that I don’t? Is it chemistry, destiny, or luck that creates such stability between them?”

14 Ways to Resolve Conflicts and Solve Relationship Problems “When problem-solving everyday issues becomes a tug-of-war over who’s right and who’s wrong, then settling even the smallest of discussions becomes a battle. “A better alternative is what I call the win-win waltz,” says marriage expert Susan Heitler, Ph.D., author of The Power of Two. “We toss information back and forth, we have an ‘aha!’ moment, and we come up with solutions that work very well for both of us.””

The Art of Solving Relationship Problems “Unsettled problems are a major source of stress, stress that can not only undermine your relationship, but your diabetes management as well. Research has shown that successful relationships are not those that necessarily have fewer problems, but those that have found effective means of solving the problems that come up. Here is a 6-step process for tackling and solving those problems in your relationships.”