Speaking directly doesn’t happen naturally because we all create a persona for the outside world. It’s easy to take that feeling into a relationship, but here’s why that is a bad idea: it’s a limitation on feeling our full self; we cannot sit comfortably at the center of our being.
You don’t need to feel tension around differences when you are on the same side and both want the best possible outcome. Even when handling bigger issues, know you can find a way to handle things that will make both of you feel right about it.
We do well with deep listening and lack of interruptions when consciously working to solve something. And yet in day to day conversations we encounter a different behavior. Not only do we burst into each other’s talking, but we each point out the other is doing it and feel irritated.
When you have an initial negative reaction to other people, move closer to an attitude of embracing them as a first response. This is the way of acceptance, non-judgment and the joyful appreciation of what others have to say and how they express it.
Understanding core values and learning what yours are is foundational to creating peaceful harmonious relationships. We differentiate values from wants and needs on a spectrum of ever-increasing importance. This scale starts with wants which are the most ephemeral, moves through needs, and then to values which rarely change.
We are completely undefended with each other because we both know that neither of us is ever going to attack the other. We are not in competition. There is never any energy emanating from a desire for power or dominance.
PHIL: Use your voice. You have to say it, not just think it. You have to say what you need, not just what you think other people want to hear or what you think will keep you safe. You have …
Use Your Voice and Say What You Want and Need in Your Relationships Read more »
PHIL: I wrote this reply to a comment on last week’s blog: I have for some time been fascinated with the idea that language is a recent addition to our understanding of the world and has been so successful that …
It’s Important to Look at Your Feelings and Find Words for Them Read more »
Maude was talking with a dear friend who is in a harmonious long term relationship, and was relating an incident that had occurred between her and her husband earlier. It seems that they have their phones synced so that when …
Why Sitting on Your Hurt Feelings Only Makes it Worse Read more »
PHIL: Do you know that feeling of satisfaction that comes from working with someone on a project? It might be sweeping leaves or planning an event. Perhaps it’s cooking together or being on a sports team. Working with other people …
Remember the Shared Purpose at the Heart of Your Relationship Read more »