Reading Corner

Links related to the weekly posts.

 

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In this week’s blog, we discussed how to find mutuality in your relationship. Here are some articles discussing mutuality from a variety of viewpoints.

When Love Is Kind: Mutuality In Relationships (Tina Tessina is one of our favorite relationship writers; see our Friday feature.) “Many people ask me, “How will I know if I’m in love?” Answer: Anyone who’s in love usually knows it; the real question should be are we mutually in love, or am I wasting my time? If you want to be secure in your primary relationship, knowing how to create mutuality and work together greatly increases the chance that you’ll make it as a couple. When I’m counseling couples on the verge of divorce, it’s amazing how establishing mutuality allows the love to come back.”

Moving Toward A Mutual Vulnerability In Your Relationship! “When thinking about couples in conflict, one can imagine one or both partners feeling hurt and vulnerable. This can at times result in one or both partners wanting to close up and protect themselves from further hurt…the furthest thing from surrendering power. Each partner may have thoughts such as, “I am not letting my guard down” or may be suspicious of what their partner will do next. Sometimes this position of defensiveness may not even be conscious.”

4 Essential Ways to Build Mutuality in Marriage “Have you been flipping through the pages of your wedding photo book, feeling nostalgic about your classic, romantic wedding poses and the sweet moments you had during your big day several years ago? Are you starting to wish things were as rosy as the early years of your marriage? If your marriage is on the rocks, observe your partnership first before you consult a counselor—you may just need to work on mutuality.”

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In this week’s blog, we discussed the experience of being on the same side, how to recognize it weakening, and what to do about it. We found hardly any articles that focused on that experience; most write about how to return to that state, rather than how to avoid losing it.

The Fine Art of Deciding Together “Contract thinking begins with the self-absorbed idea that life owes us something — happiness, comfort, ease, whatever — and that relationships shouldn’t get in the way of us achieving these things. … By contrast, covenantal thinking begins with the idea that the bond means everything, beginning with a thankful heart and an eagerness to work with others, not around them. Covenantal thinkers don’t begin with “you and me,” but rather “we,” and they build togetherness by promising to be loyal, to work through issues, and perhaps most of all — to make decisions together.”

Solve Your Relationship Problems Once and for All “Does it seem like you have the same fights, over and over? You’re not alone. Learning to rethink how you view conflict can help couples grow closer. Then, the next step is having the right strategies in place for dealing with your problems. Here are three different ways of solving your relationship problems:”

The 7 Best Tips for Handling Anger and Resentment in Relationships “So what is the solution to dealing with resentment against your spouse and its possible escalation to anger? The solution is to channel the shock at your spouse’s behavior into empathy, to try and understand them, and to come at the situation trying to see their perspective. It’s trite to say, but that’s because it is advice which is perennial. If it were easy, no one would need to talk about it much.”

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In this week’s blog, we discussed what commitment really means in a relationship. Here are some interesting articles and studies different aspects of this.

How committed your relationship is goes hand in hand with happiness and well-being, study discovers “The bottom line, say the researchers, is that having a romantic relationship makes both men and women happier — and the stronger the relationship’s commitment, the greater the happiness and sense of well-being of the partners.”

What Happens When Partners Aren’t Equally Committed “In some couples, one partner is substantially more committed than the other. We call these Asymmetrically Committed Relationships (ACRs). No one who is looking for lasting love wants to find themselves in an ACR, but we suspect it has become increasingly easy to land in one. It doesn’t have to be this way.”

A fear of getting dumped kills romance and commitment “Can the fear of a relationship ending actually lessen love and cause a break-up? If yes, how does it happen? These were the questions that Simona Sciara and Giuseppe Pantaleo of the Vita-Salute San Raffaele University in Italy set out to answer in an article…”

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In this week’s blog, we wrote about making a fresh start in your year and life. Here are a variety of articles on that topic.

September Is Your Second-Chance January “This notion of new beginnings, incidentally, was the subject of an insightful 2014 paper by a trio of researchers at the University of Pennsylvania’s Wharton School. In it, they found evidence of something they called the “fresh start effect” — that is, that people are much more likely to think of the bigger picture of their lives, and set goals accordingly, just after beginning some new era. These could be, and often were, big milestones: a new job, a new marriage, a new school year. But, just as often, they were much smaller than that: the start of a new month (or even of a new week or day), or the first day back at work after a vacation.”

14 Ways To Create The Best Relationship Of Your Life “After 30 years of working with couples and researching how people repaired their relationships, I suddenly realized that we had really reached a pivotal moment; all our studies, stories, and the science had come together, and we were in the midst of a revolution—a new way of truly understanding romantic love. Finally we can grasp the laws of love—and they make sense!”

Give A Fresh Start To Your Personal Life “Life is 5% what happens to you and 95% what you do with that. Although life doesn’t come with a re-set button, you can give your personal life a fresh start anytime you choose. Why not declare that “This year is going to be a fresh start”? I believe that what we do every day is important because we are exchanging a day of our life for it. If you aren’t happy with the life you are living, then make a commitment today to get on track to a joyful, productive life. How do you kick-start your personal life?”

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In this week’s blog, we discussed how to reconcile individuality and union in your relationships. Here are some insightful articles on that topic.

The Importance of Maintaining Your Individuality in Relationships “‘You complete me.’ Who doesn’t love this seminal line from Tom Cruise’s character in the movie Jerry McGuire? It melts the heart of any romantic and makes them long for a love like that. A union with their ‘missing piece’ – someone who makes them feel whole and complete. … However, this glamorous portrayal of true love gives us false expectations. While making certain compromises is necessary to make any partnership work, losing ourselves in the process isn’t. Escalating divorce rates of over 50% and infidelity rates of over 40% is a clear sign that we’re missing an essential piece of the relationship game.”

Giving in Relationships Without Losing Yourself or Sacrificing Your Needs “‘Relationships are about two individuals who maintain their own lives and create another one together.’ ~Unknown. … I have observed that I have a strong desire to merge with my partner because it feels blissful to be connected. I crave union, being one with the person who means most to me. … Relationships require a delicate balance between having clear boundaries and yet not becoming too closed off from the other person.”

How to Be With Someone But Still Be Yourself “Where do you end and where does your partner begin? … But that feeling of merging may contribute to you feeling like you’re losing your identity—or losing yourself in the relationship. When two become one, there’s beauty to that. A reciprocal relationship celebrates and encourages your unique sense of self within it. But that process usually doesn’t happen cleanly, and you may start to fear that your independent self will be annihilated.”

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