Reading Corner

Links related to the weekly posts.

 

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This week we wrote about how our perception of a situation is based on the past more than the present, and how we can get past that by reframing. Here are some excellent articles to help you reframe your relationship and your life.

Reframing Your Marital Problem “I don’t care what kind of couples therapy you do, you will be eventually be invited by your therapist to start reframing your marital problem. Why is reframing your marital problem such a fundamental part of couples therapy? Because how you see your problem is directly related to how stuck you are in it.”

Cognitive reframing – it’s not about what happens to you, but how you frame it “All situations that happen to you in life have no inherent meaning. You are the one who signs a meaning, seeing a situation through a certain frame. With cognitive reframing, you can change the way you look at something and consequently change how you experience it.”

Visual Perception Theory A very clear description of two theories of perception and where the 90% figure comes from. “In order to receive information from the environment we are equipped with sense organs e.g. eye, ear, nose. Each sense organ is part of a sensory system which receives sensory inputs and transmits sensory information to the brain. A particular problem for psychologists is to explain the process by which the physical energy received by sense organs forms the basis of perceptual experience.”

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This week we wrote about cooperation being a cornerstone of our relationship, and found a number of really great articles about its benefits.

Why COOPERATION Could Be MORE Important Than LOVE! “Could cooperation, be the highest attainment that a couple could strive for in a romantic relationship? In fact, love is often considered almost a synonym for relationship! And I too thought that to attain the state of love was the highest attainment in a couple. I had never considered the ultimate importance of cooperation.”

Communication: Competitive vs Cooperative “We are taught from the earliest of ages that good communication is imperative. In both subtle, and direct ways, we are taught to be competitive when we communicate. Simultaneously, we are told to be cooperative. What an impossible task–to be cooperative and competitive at the same time.”

We’re Not Against Each Other: Choosing Cooperation Over Competition “In my own life, I have experienced the power of cooperation. I know how much better life feels when I choose to work with rather than against the people in my world. When I am willing to find ways to communicate, to release blame and criticism, to connect with the people I share this life with, I open myself to more joy and ease.”

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This week we wrote about improving your life and your relationship by setting your intentions. Here are some helpful articles on different aspects of this topic.

The Nature of Intentions in Relationships “How important is intention in the growth and development of healthy relationships? Does the good stuff just happen by itself? Can we make our goals, our dreams, our lives, our relationships happen out of sheer will? Is there always that chance for the development and healing that is required in healthy relationships? Are some people just lucky in relationships?”

Good Intentions? “I recently read an article about the effect of other people’s good intentions on us. Others’ good intentions have been shown to decrease our pain, increase our pleasure, and, yes, even make food taste better. It’s a delight to see a study done that articulates what we know from our own experience. Most of us have witnessed or felt the power of others’ good or unkind intentions on us and ours on them. But have we stopped to consider the power of our intentions, kind or unkind, on ourselves?”

Sample Intentions “Intentions are a critically important step in creating a dream life come true. But if you’ve never written them before, it can be daunting. Here are some sample intentions to inspire you to write your own:”

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This week, we wrote that it’s important to avoid assumptions in your relationship. Here are three good articles about assumptions and their negative effects, and a delightful video to boot.

Making Assumptions RUINS Relationships “Making assumptions can cause undue stress and drama, as well as destroy our relationships and even prevent us from having the kind of loving relationships we desire. Whether you are searching for someone special, have been dating a few months, or been married for years, you can improve your life and relationships by not making assumptions.”

5 Misunderstandings That Will Cause Problems In Your Closest Relationships “While every relationship encounters a misunderstanding from time to time, there are some relationships that are plagued by them. Misunderstandings, simply defined, are when these two people’s perceptions collide. Your partner thinks of the situation in one way, and you see it in another. As a couples therapist, my job is to help couples communicate, and to teach effective strategies on how to navigate through these miscommunications. Here are the five most common reasons couples, or those in relationship, misunderstand each other.”

8 Causes of Miscommunication and Misunderstanding “Ever since our ancestors uttered their first grunts, miscommunication has been a part of our daily lives. A customer misreads a policy; a colleague misinterprets a to-do; a couple clashes over a misunderstanding of who was supposed to pick up the kid. One would have thought that miscommunication would drop with the advancement of technology. Alas, this hasn’t been the case. We’re more connected than ever, yet we seem to stray only further from mutual understanding. The first step is to understand where things are going wrong. Here are eight common causes of miscommunication and misunderstanding.”

Lastly, here’s a charming video about assumptions.

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This week, we wrote about the powerful value of play in a relationship. Many studies bear this out. Here are some details and statistics about how play affects us all.

The Power of Play “…play’s value among adults is too often vastly underrated. We would all agree that play lifts stress from us. It refreshes us and recharges us. It restores our optimism. It changes our perspective, stimulating creativity. It renews our ability to accomplish the work of the world. By anyone’s reckoning, those are remarkably worthy achievements. But there is also evidence that play does much more.”

The Importance of Play for Adults “Our society tends to dismiss play for adults. Play is perceived as unproductive, petty or even a guilty pleasure. The notion is that once we reach adulthood, it’s time to get serious. And between personal and professional responsibilities, there’s no time to play. ‘The only kind [of play] we honor is competitive play,'”

Have Fun! The Importance of Play in Couple Relationships (pdf) “Playing together increases bonding, communication, conflict resolution, and relationship satisfaction (Baxter, 1992; Betcher, 1977; Kopecky, 1996; Vanderbleek, 2005). Play can also promote spontaneity when life seems routine, serve as a reminder of positive relationship history, and promote intimacy (Baxter, 1992; Lauer & Lauer, 2002). Having fun together can help couples feel positive emotions, which can increase relationship satisfaction, help couples to unite in order to overcome differences and give hope when working through difficult challenges”

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