Reading Corner

Links related to the weekly posts.

 

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This week we blogged on the truth of the “we” at the core of relationships. Here are some fascinating articles sharing studies about the use of “we” versus “I” in relationships.

How to Improve Your Relationship With One Simple Word “… check this out: Researcher Robert Levenson and colleagues at University of California, Berkeley, have been eavesdropping on our relationships and found couples who use the word “we” when talking, especially about difficult things, are happier, calmer, exhibit more positive emotional behavior, have less negative automatic arousal (i.e. heart pumping adrenaline and anxiety) and in general are more satisfied with their relationships (think: affection, respect, intimacy) than couples whose communication is more populated by the pronouns you, me and I. ”

“We” vs. “Me” Couples “The ‘we’ couples take themselves less seriously. They don’t imagine they can be perfect and are unsurprised when things don’t go swimmingly. Rather than a ‘here we go again, the universe hates me,’ when the car is stolen, a ‘we’ couple will quickly bemoan the fact that this happened to ‘us’ and move on. Of course cars get stolen, it happens every day. He files the police report, she arranges a rental. They get to work on time and the flow of life continues. ‘Me’ couples blame each other (I told you we shouldn’t have parked here. Why did you open an account in a bank here? It’s a crummy neighborhood). They storm off, they don’t resolve the issue quickly, they don’t get to work and they have more problems as the newest spiral downward commences.”

Love’s Language: Couples who say ‘we’ happier “Previous studies have indicated that use of inclusive pronouns that include ‘we,’ ‘our’ and ‘us’ — versus ‘I,’ ‘me’ and ‘you’ — are evidence of marital satisfaction in younger couples like Sievwright and hubby Dane, both of whom are 27. The latest work, in the September issue of the journal Psychology and Aging, carries the link forward to more established pairs when conflict bubbles, and reports evidence of more relaxed heart rates and blood pressure among those with the highest ‘we-ness’ quotients. ‘We found more ‘we’ language in older couples and in happier couples,’ said Robert Levenson, the study’s senior researcher at the University of California, Berkeley.”

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In this week’s blog, we wrote about seeing differences as an asset in your relationship. Since ours is a very uncommon point of view, we didn’t find articles talking to precisely what we shared, but these all offer useful information about differences in relationships.

Want a Lasting Marriage? Personality Match May Not Matter “Men and women in relationships need not be similar in personality in order to have a successful long-lasting marriage, a new study suggests. The study, which included couples who had been married for at least 40 years, found that neither personality similarities nor differences appeared to affect how happy the couples were.”

Do Your Personality Traits Affect Your Relationship? “So in your relationship is it a matter of “opposites attract” or “birds of a feather”? The question of whether similar or dissimilar personality traits are a source of romantic attraction and marital satisfaction has been debated for years.”

Why Partners Need Complementary Strengths “Your partnerships work on the same principle [of combination]. The best happen when you and someone who has strengths that complement yours join forces and focus on a single goal. Your strengths cancel out your partner’s weaknesses, and vice versa. You accomplish together what could not be done separately. Before you can forge a successful alliance, you must understand what you bring to the combination, and equally important, what you don’t.”

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In this week’s blog, we wrote about reaching for mutual solutions in your relationship. No one else seems to be talking about this concept, and the closest we could find was articles talking about problem-solving and decision-making.

The Art of Solving Relationship Problems “Unsettled problems are a major source of stress, stress that can not only undermine your relationship, but your diabetes management as well. Research has shown that successful relationships are not those that necessarily have fewer problems, but those that have found effective means of solving the problems that come up. Here is a 6-step process for tackling and solving those problems in your relationships.”

Learning to Make Joint Decisions “Learning to make joint decisions is an important part of any long-term romantic relationship. While decisions start small, with tonight’s supper, they get bigger, through the colour of the bathroom to whether to have children, how to manage childcare, and whether to move abroad to support one partner’s career, for example. Developing a reliable basis for decision-making and discussion will provide a good foundation for a long-lasting relationship.”

7 Solutions That Can Save a Relationship “Even though every relationship has its ups and downs, successful couples have learned how to manage the bumps and keep their love life going, says marriage and family therapist Mitch Temple, author of The Marriage Turnaround. They hang in there, tackle problems, and learn how to work through the complex issues of everyday life.”

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In this week’s blog, we wrote about the need to balance talking and listening. We didn’t find any discussions about this balance, but here are some good links on active listening.

Active Listening: The Art of Empathetic Conversation “It is time to focus again and practise the skill of mindful listening. Not just because we owe our full attention to others when we converse, but because the positive emotions of a truly good conversation have the potential to make us happy!”

Active Listening: The Master Key to Effective Communication “The sense that we are not being listened to is one of the most frustrating feelings imaginable. Toddlers scream about it, teenagers move out, couples split up, companies breakdown. One of the main reasons this breakdown in communication occurs is that listening (like reading, thinking clearly and focusing) is a skill which we rarely consider to be something requiring knowledge and practice.”

How to Listen and Build Deeper Connections with People “We’ve never had more excuses to not listen. As technology advances and content explodes, we continue to spread our attention across multiple screens, problems, and people — often all at once. As a result, attention has become one of the scarcest resources — and one of the most valuable. People who can truly listen have a unique edge in a world fragmented by distraction.” (A new and updated version of the article is available here.)

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By Posted on Posted in Peace, Reading, Relationships, Successful Relating 2 Comments Tagged with , ,

In this week’s blog, we asked what lies at the core of successful relationships. Some authors get it! Here are three.

Beware Of Mistaken Marriage Advice That “All Couples Fight” “Stressful situations that are becoming adversarial between loving partners can escalate into ever more stressful arguments. Alternatively, they can be handled with calm, productive, collaborative talking together that dissipates stress and yields creation of mutually comfortable solutions.”

5 Ways To Create More Harmony In Your Relationships “If you want to create more peace in your relationships, it starts with your relationship with yourself. The relationship of your dreams, where there’s authentic connection and you feel loved, accepted, and honored just as you are is completely possible when you realize that it starts with YOU. … Here are a few practices that will help you tame the monkey mind and create more peace, harmony, and connection with yourself and in your relationships.”

5 Top Tips to Enhance Relationships and Find Inner Peace “We all have challenges in our relationships at some time or other. If you are having relationship problems, you wouldn’t be having them if you weren’t having them with yourself. It all starts with you, being at peace with yourself! You cannot expect to have peace with others, never mind even thinking of having a healthy relationship when you have turmoil inside of you.”

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