We recently had the honor of writing a guest article for together.guide, an interesting site aimed at supporting relationships. It has a very clean, well-designed look, and was founded by Erik Newton, an ex-divorce attorney who decided to shift his focus and help couples build healthy relationships.
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Have you ever placed one hand flat on the table and smashed it hard with a hammer? Thought not, and that was because you chose not to.
That is the same reason we never argue – because we choose not to.
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“I know you two have an amazingly peaceful relationship, but what about me?”
“I read Secrets of a Successful Relationship Revealed and it’s all very well for you two to be so happy, but how do we do it?”
“I can’t imagine having a relationship like you describe.”
These and many similar questions came our way after our first book was released.
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Maude is away this weekend being Nana (and loving it!), so I’m flying solo in this week’s blog. Time and time again we describe our relationship as peaceful and free of conflict and hear “That’s nice for you, but…,” so I’d like to address that here.
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The popularly held belief concerning relationships is that all of them have conflict, and that it is how you handle the conflict that is important. In fact it is put forth that if people claim not to have conflict in their relationship, they are suppressing or ignoring reality.
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Many people write about conflict in relationships: how it’s bound to happen, how it’s better than letting things stew, how to fight fairly, how you must counterbalance it with good aspects of the relationship.
But here’s the thing: we don’t experience this at all.
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It was a year after meeting that we noticed we hadn’t had any arguments, and 10 years on from that, it’s still true.
Let us clarify our terms here. We have disagreements – things where we have different points of view – but they never, ever, turn into arguments.
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One requirement for a successful relationship is that your core values match. What do we mean by core values? Well, they are what you value – duh – and you’re gonna have to name them for yourself. Not everybody holds the same values, because if they did, the issue of needing a match wouldn’t arise.
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When we tell people we never argue, they don’t call us liars to our face, but there is often a strong whiff of incredulity in the air. It’s not that we agree on everything, but these disagreements don’t descend into arguments.
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A topic that is basic to having a successful relationship is individuality: seeing your partner as a complete and separate individual, and honoring and celebrating them for that fact.
This one understanding leads to almost all the other elements of relating without conflict.
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With this book
you too can have a relationship without conflict.
Check out some of our interviews with Michael and Jacqueline, Lynelle Paulick on KCSB, Gail Brenner and Bill Weil.
